Chapter 19 Full Throttle #2
“The water feels so good.” I stroke her hair. “Don’t you wanna take a dip?”
“No, no way. Plus the guys are here now and I’m hungry.”
“Yeah. Me too.” God, what a dumbass conversation. “Are you okay?”
“I have a headache…” She touches her temples. “Aroa brought me a beer, and I almost barfed just from looking at it. I swear I’m never gonna drink again in my life.”
“Or until tonight.”
“That’s possible too.” A smile unfurls across her face, and she pats my leg. “Coco…”
“What?”
“How are you?”
“Fine.” I smile.
“No, seriously… How are you?”
I swallow. “This is your bachelorette party, Blanca, and here we are in the middle of a shit storm… We’re ruining it for you, aren’t we?”
“What? No!” She whips off her sunglasses and drops them. “The gang?”
“Yes. Aroa with her obsession with getting back together with Marín, me with my…shit.”
“What are you talking about?” She laughs. “It’s exactly what I needed to get my head out of work. I love our shit! This bachelorette trip couldn’t be all alcohol and giggles. It wouldn’t work without a little drama, you know that.”
“Really?”
“I swear!” She holds up her right hand.
“Oh God, I’m so relieved! I thought you were avoiding me.”
“I was avoiding everyone! I thought I was the one ruining it!”
“You? Why?”
“I mean, because…I’m kind of out of it. I dunno.” She bites her lip. “And yesterday I got so ridiculously wasted…”
“What are you talking about, ridiculous? Ridiculous was when Aroa tried to look sexy downing a shot and she chipped a tooth.”
Blanca laughs, but she suddenly looks away. Something’s definitely bothering her.
“This trip is for you, so you can relax, have fun…” I insist.
“I don’t want to seem ungrateful.”
“You’re just a little stressed. We’re not exactly helping. In a few days, you’ll be making us steal a supermarket cart again. Tell me, what’s going on? Are you anxious about work or about the wedding?”
“I just don’t want you to worry.”
“I’m your best friend.” A pang of remorse trickles down my side.
“Ruben and I haven’t really been getting along lately.”
I knew it! “How come?”
“I don’t know.” She rubs her eyes and then hugs her legs. “Too much work maybe. We see each other all the time, but we never see each other. Maybe I’m the problem, you know? When I’m with him…I feel bored. I feel…like I’m disappearing in my own life, like I don’t have control over anything.”
“If anyone knows what they’re doing with their life, it’s you, Blanca.” I scoot next to her and put an arm around her shoulder.
“You know when you feel like you’re not doing anything right? Mediocre at home, mediocre as a woman, mediocre as a friend…”
“Don’t go there. That’s not true.”
“What if I’m not a good friend?” She looks at me gravely. “What if I’m not, Coco?”
Yeah, Coco. What if you aren’t either?
“I have to tell you something,” I blurt out. “But I’m scared you’re gonna be mad at me.”
“I’m not gonna be mad. I think I can guess. Loren says I’m paranoid, but…”
I raise one eyebrow. “What’s your guess?” I ask.
“The Gus thing.”
“You know?”
“Fuck, Coco… It’s kinda obvious.” Her expression changes, and she hardens again.
“It’s not like either of you is trying very hard to hide it.
And by the way, I’m not going to give you any lectures.
I told you a few days ago… If you want him, go for it.
But just be aware that this could just be a relapse and he…
well, Coco, you probably know this, but Gus has been in a lot more beds than—”
I smile and stop her. “Blanca,” I say. “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“What do you mean, I’m barking up the wrong tree?”
“I lied. I’ve been lying for months. I’m not in love with Gus.”
The reaction is immediate: Her shoulders relax, her eyes widen and shine, her lips fall open, she starts breathing faster. I’m in deep shit.
Her slap to my arm comes so fast I don’t even see it coming. It stings, but she goes straight for another blow. “What?”
“Shh. I’m not in love with Gus, fuck’s sake. But don’t hit me. I thought you’d be happy.”
“But…wait…” She shrinks a little more, rubs her face, pushes her hair away, takes another swipe at me, and puts her sunglasses on her head. “You couldn’t be a bigger dumbass if you tried. You’ve been lying to me for a year!”
“Yes.” I nod.
“Why? I’ve been so worried about you!”
“I mean, because…because…I’m in love with someone else and I didn’t want anyone to find out.”
“But Loren knows.”
I sit on the next chair over again and nod. “Yes. Loren knows.”
“Why?”
“Well, because…I don’t know! It’s that face he has.
It makes you trust him. I’ve been so close to telling you so many times, but I always end up thinking that I’m going to influence you and that if the group breaks up it’ll be all my fault, and…
I’m ashamed to admit that I’m such a shitty friend.
It was easier to agree when you asked me if I was upset about my breakup than to admit the truth. ”
“And what is the truth? And please don’t tell me that you’re actually in love with Loren because then I will have to climb the slide just so I can dive headfirst onto the concrete.”
“Seriously?” I raise one eyebrow. “You seriously can’t figure out who I’m actually hung up on?”
This time her expression changes slowly, in a silence that feels eternal. She doesn’t take long to close her eyes and scoff. You don’t have to be an expert in body language to know that she just said: This is so fucking messy.
“Marín,” she whispers.
“Marín.”
“Fuck.” She reaches out toward me, and I flinch because I think she’s going to hit me again, but she pulls me closer. She hugs me. She kisses me on the temple. Suddenly, she’s squeezing really hard, and I have to pull away with a smile.
“Are you trying to strangle me with love or what?” I defend myself.
“Since when have you been in love with Marín?”
“Since…oof. He was still with Aroa. As soon as it ended with Gus, I realized that…I was head over heels in love. It’s like…it was injected into me. When I tried to get it out of my head, it was already in my blood.”
“And you had to live with him while he was still with Aroa…in love with him?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“But you never said anything about the breakup, you were there for Aroa… You didn’t try anything? You didn’t talk to Marín? You didn’t…?”
“No.”
“But why not?”
“I always thought they’d get back together. I mean… I used to at least.”
“Why don’t you think so anymore?”
“Because Marín has turned the page.”
She stares at me anxiously and nods. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“Girl.” I wave my hands apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hid it from you. It’s just so messy.”
“Yeah, Coco, but spending a year swearing you’re hung up on Gus?”
“I know. I totally get it if you’re mad. If you told me you had been lying to me for a year about something like this… Fuck, it’d be really hard to forgive. Lies should only be for…for not hurting other people, but they never end well. Someone always ends up hurt.”
Blanca licks her lips and takes a deep breath.
“Look, Coco… We all lie. All of us. It makes sense you didn’t want to gush about how you feel about Marín because, on top of everything else, you’re probably scared.
That’s what happens when you fall in love, especially when you really fall in love.
But…we all lie. We all keep secrets. We all shove skeletons into our closets and think they’ll never be discovered. ”
“But they always are,” I say.
“Not always. Sometimes they’re found out, and other times, it rots you from the inside out. Does Gus know?”
“No. Well, yesterday Marín told me they had been talking and that Gus said he was sure I’m not in love with him. He also kinda snuck it in on the walk we took last night.”
“And does Marín know?”
“Apparently everyone suddenly thinks it’s obvious I’m lying, but no… He doesn’t know I’m in love with him. And…last night, well, really this morning…something happened.”
She looks grossed out. “Did you fool around?” She raises her eyebrows.
“No. It didn’t get to that. It was just…like when you’re crazy horny and you try to wake your boyfriend up by wiggling your ass…you know.”
“Oh, God…and have you two talked about it?”
“No.” I shake my head in a panic. “He made like he was sleeping, so…”
“So?”
“I don’t want to ruin it. Maybe it’s better if we act like it never happened.”
“But it did happen, and on top of that, for you, it means something. Believe me…shutting up is never, ever the best option. It’s like ignoring the pink elephant in the room: It’s still sitting there.”
“Marín, Aroa, Gus… It’s such a mess, Blanca. Such a fucking mess.”
“I don’t understand anything.” She shakes her head and pushes her hair out of her face.
I raise one eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
Blanca’s staring into space, but knowing her, she’s probably re-creating something in her mind’s eye… A memory, all the possibilities to take into account if you do or say something else, a fear…
Suddenly she discovers me there, like she wasn’t expecting me, but she smiles. “Coco…love is so complicated.”