Chapter 22 Hands Full of Problems #2
“Look, Aroa, we’ve already talked about this.
” I stand my ground. “I’m not going to run every time you snap your fingers, like you’re a princess.
Do you understand? It pissed me off enough when you did it when we were together.
So you can imagine how it makes me feel now, when the only thing binding us is politeness, more for everyone around us than for our own sake. ”
“I don’t think you understand. I want to talk to you now, but if you’d prefer we can wait until tomorrow with everyone around. I’m sure that a lot of these things I want to say to you will be pretty interesting to Coco.”
I shut up immediately.
“Don’t be so sanctimonious, Marín. We’ve all fucked up majorly.”
“I didn’t fuck up.” I say, defending myself. “Don’t take it out of context…”
“In ten minutes at the gate.” She cuts me off. “I’ll wait for you on the bench next to the bar.”
I go into the bar shaking my head. I hand Gus some cash and the room key.
“I have to go back to the campsite for a second.”
“Did something happen?”
“My ex is a fucking tyrannical moron. That’s what’s happening. Do you think you’ll be awake when I get back? We only have one key.”
“I’m nocturnal, dude.” He brings his glass to his lips and wets them. “I’ll be reading.”
“I’m going to pray a few Our Fathers that I don’t end up sleeping in the hall.” I turn around, but before I go, I look at him again. “Stop pretending you can stand that shit, Gus, please. You’re drinking gasoline.”
I must be right because he puts the glass down on the table without a word.
* * *
Aroa’s wearing a short dress…or at least that’s what I think before I realize she’s wearing one of my old shirts, with the sleeves rolled up and cinched at the waist with a brown belt.
Her hair is down, and her eyes look a little swollen, like they always do when she hasn’t slept much.
As soon as she sees me, she jumps up, walks toward me, and then breezes right past me.
She’s heading toward the car, which I click open with the key fob when I see her reach it.
I climb back inside and watch her toss her hair to one side.
“What’s going on?” I ask tensely.
“I could ask you the same question.”
I rub my face impatiently. For the love of God. “How many times are we going to talk about this, Aroa? We’re never getting back together. It’s broken.”
“Broken things can be fixed. Say what you mean: You don’t feel like fixing it.”
“Well, no.” I nod. “I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it. I don’t love you anymore.” I swallow so hard it feels like the whole campsite must have heard it.
“You don’t even believe that yourself.” She laughs bitterly. “Being such a hard-ass isn’t helping you at all, you know?”
“Look, I’m going to be honest, okay? I loved you a lot.
I loved you for three years, but it was destroyed.
I don’t even think it was that argument.
It happened gradually. And of course I still love you.
You don’t stop loving someone overnight, but I don’t want to love you, and I don’t love you in the same way. It’s over. I’ve turned the page.”
“Right,” she says sourly. “Well, fine. You’ve turned the page, okay. Listen to me: Either you stay away from Coco or—”
“What are you talking about?” I raise my voice. “Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Lost my mind? I’d have to lose my mind to not see it! You two are fooling around!”
“Paranoia. Great. Just what I needed.”
“Look, smart-ass, Coco is in the middle of a fucking mess with all that Gus stuff…”
“A mess you’ve been sticking your nose in, by the way.” I ignore the fact that Coco isn’t really in love with him because if Aroa didn’t say that, there must be a reason.
Aroa comes so close to me I’m practically breathing the air she’s exhaling. I smell her. I almost feel her and taste her. She’s panting, like she always does when she finally lets out the smoke billowing inside her the whole time she’s faking being happy.
“If I see you all over Coco again, I’ll tell her about Gema. That’s the last thing I’m going to say.”
She moves away and opens the door, but I catch her arm delicately. I want to say one more thing, not hurt her. She gives me a surprised look, and I get the feeling she almost believes I’m going to kiss her.
“Get one thing straight, Aroa. With Coco or without her, our thing is dead. Accept it. Let me live. Get over this obsession and be free. When I met you, you were incredible, and now…the only incredible thing about you is how obsessed you are and how toxic this has all become. Get out of the car.”
“What the actual fuck is going on with you?” she screams at me. “It’s Coco! What are you doing? What are you doing with her?”
“Now you’re gonna try to make me believe you’re doing this because you care about her and I might hurt her? It’s Coco, for the love of God! We’re the same as always, and we’re going to keep being like that because the only one who sees something bad here is you. Do you hear me? You!”
Aroa gapes at me, incredulous. “Marín…” she whispers, “I might be obsessed, but you’re blind.
Just the two of you taking midnight swims?
Whispering in the bunk with the lights off?
Since when has that been part of your relationship?
If you want to lie to yourself about that, amazing, but you can’t make me believe pigs can fly.
I know exactly what was going on. I’ve known since the first time you looked at her differently.
And you know what? This is not happening, especially not right in front of me. ”
“You’re paranoid, you know that?”
“Look, Marín. I thought we were going to fix this. I thought we would do it right, that you’d be sweet, that we’d see how that argument and the reasons behind it were actually just a grain of sand for us.
I really thought you’d realized how stupid it was to break up…
But now it’s so obvious you were just grasping at straws because this… ”
“Wasn’t working,” I finish for her. “It wasn’t working, Aroa.”
“Of course not. Your head has been somewhere else for a long time.”
The door slams so hard it makes the windows shake. I watch her storm away until she disappears into the darkness, turning into a white dot growing blurrier by the second.
I sit there for a while before I turn the engine on. This is unbelievable. Has everyone gone nuts? I don’t have feelings for Coco. I’m not in love with Coco. Coco is…Coco. My Coco.
It takes ten minutes for Gus to open the door. He fell asleep. When he finally lets me in, he throws himself back onto his bed, face down, without a word. And I appreciate it. If anyone mentions the possibility that I’m cuckoo for Coco again…I’ll scream.