Chapter 30 All Bad #2
I put my thumbs under my eyebrows, pressing my tear ducts. My head is starting to hurt. This always happens when I get angry. I’m not good at this stuff.
“I’m sorry, Coco, but I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting any of this from you. From Aroa…” I shrug and let my hands drop to my sides. “I would’ve expected it from Aroa.”
“So what I’m hearing is that you would’ve tolerated it from Aroa, but not from me. Is that it?”
“No. That’s not it. This isn’t a competition.
That’s not even how I feel. All I wanted was to spend the night with you.
I wanted to drop Aroa back here, make a few things clear to her, and then get back and kiss you.
And I didn’t care if anyone else saw us.
I just needed to close that door completely, to make her understand. ”
“And did she understand?”
I look at her. “Of course she understood, Coco, but she doesn’t want to close it.”
“And that’s my problem?”
“Is it my problem that you thought I was screwing my ex so you went and screwed yours?”
“I did not,” she says, dragging out the syllables. She starts crying again. “I feel like a piece of shit, Marín. Don’t talk to me like that.”
“How should I? Honestly?”
“I feel like a piece of shit,” she repeats slowly, holding in her sobs.
“That tracks.” I stand up. “I’d love to say something else to you, Coco, but it tracks that you feel like a piece of shit because we were like excited little kids and you…”
“I what?”
“Ruined it. You ruined it.”
I turn on my heel, but I can’t walk away.
Deep down, I regret everything I’m saying.
I regret being so hard, I regret not being able to tell her that I’ll get over it, that I don’t want to leave, that I’m not uncomfortable with her for the first time in my life.
But lies don’t work when it comes to Coco.
I push my hair off my forehead, feeling ridiculous. I can’t stay. I can’t leave.
“So that’s it then?” she asks. “Everything’s broken?”
“I don’t know. I’m going to leave. I don’t want… I don’t want to be here.”
Now I do turn around with the intention of leaving. One step farther, I start doing it. The little pebbles scattered over the sites crunch under my shoes, and the sound that up until now has always made me think of good things is driving me crazy. Memories.
Her fingers circle my wrist, and she tugs on me. I hear her whimper, but I want to leave.
“Let me go, Coco. We’re not going to fix anything tonight.”
She pulls on me harder, and I turn around. She hugs me. I can feel her hot tears seeping into my shirt, but I don’t return the hug. I feel…betrayed. Not her. It’s never like this with her.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Coco. That’s not it. I just feel wounded. It’s just…”
She doesn’t let me finish. Before I can react, her lips are on mine.
And it’s just… It’s just a kiss. Some lips pressing against mine, just like it was with Aroa earlier tonight.
When she did it, I didn’t feel anything.
I felt nothing when she told me that no one could compare to us when we were together, when she asked me to remember how good everything was before.
In spite of remembering, it’s like I wasn’t capable of transforming that action into an emotion.
Like these memories were someone else’s.
What makes this act different from that one? Nothing. Physically it’s the same. A woman’s lips pressing against mine and trying not to let anything pull us apart. But then…why is everything different?
The tingles come back. I feel every inch of my skin, I feel the warm breeze caressing the hair on my arms, I feel my breath hitching in my chest. It’s hot.
It’s a hot night, humid, but Coco is trembling.
I can’t help it. I wrap my arms around her and move in closer.
I feel her sigh of relief and breathe it in when her lips part. No, I’m not in charge here.
I catch her mouth with mine, and my hands run up and down her back. Coco tastes like tears and alcohol, but I like it. I like it a lot. I close my eyes and let her tongue timidly caress mine.
It’s her. It’s her. It’s her.
I put my left hand in her hair, at the nape of her neck, and my right clinches her waist. Coco clings on to me ferociously, and the kiss gets longer until our mouths can’t take it anymore.
It’s her, fuck. But not like this.
I pull away from her. Her eyes are still closed. My hands are still lingering in the same place, and I look at her. Black streaks of mascara down her face, her mouth, swollen from crying and kissing me, half open. Shaking. Begging through clenched teeth, “Please.”
“Not like this,” I say, letting her go slowly. “Not like this, Coco.”
I take a step back. She opens her eyes, and I take another, looking at her. She hugs herself, and I go a bit farther.
“Marín…” she says.
“What?”
“It doesn’t matter where you go… You and I will always, always be us.”
And I know it. But tonight all I can do is get out of here.
Far away…to somewhere I’ve never been with her, that doesn’t smell like her, that doesn’t remind me of her.
A place where I can think and figure out why even though I’m so angry, I’d still keep kissing her until I forget my own fucking name.