ten
The Uber drove down a series of boulevards. The streetlamps cast circles of light down on the pavement, flickering across
my lap as we passed beneath. Outside my window, the city glowed and the sky overhead was tinged a faint orange.
“You have the key?” I asked.
He patted his pocket. “Relax. It’s going to be fine. We’ll be back before they know it.”
I was not reassured. My reckless streak had passed.
The cooler part of my head was beginning to take back over.
I had second thoughts, but now it was too late.
We were already on the way to this fraternity, where I didn’t know anybody except Alan.
I had somehow deliberately put myself in a position of having to place my trust in the one person I had no reason to trust. Foolish, impulsive, I cursed myself.
I could hear Mama’s voice in my head. She would be aghast.
“It’ll be fun. You’ll see,” he said, observing, maybe, some of my inner turmoil.
We pulled up to a two-story house with white vinyl siding, an A-line roof with black shingles, and two slim columns on either
side of the front door. Above the door, the letters for Omega Phi Epsilon were nailed in. The house was lit up with lamps
pointed at the facade. Music wafted out from the windows. It was just nearing midnight.
I felt a nervous lurch in my stomach. “If we get in trouble, just know that I will throw you under the bus so fast that you
won’t see the wheels coming.”
He grinned. “Noted. Come on.”
We got out of the car. I watched the driver leave us at the curb. The front door was cracked open. I could see the light from
inside, across the smooth green lawn.
I stood there for a moment, until Alan nudged me.
“Let’s go.”
I followed behind him, trying not to seem intimidated.
Before we got to the door, a guy walked out. He was medium height, very built, and stocky, and he had a full sleeve tattoo
on his left arm. His hair was buzzed short on the sides with a long swoop on top, and he had stud earrings. He was wearing
a fitted white tee and black jeans. “Alan!” he shouted, and opened his arms. “What up, man?”
They hugged.
He turned to me and grinned. He had a nice smile, full of perfect white teeth. “Hey. Danny Kim,” he said, extending his hand,
which I shook. “And you are? Alan left out your name.”
“Stella Chen,” I said.
“Nice. Nice to meet you. Glad you could come around!” He gave Alan a raised eyebrow.
Alan frowned slightly and shook his head.
“Danny and I used to do debate together,” Alan said. “He was the team captain before me.” He turned to Danny, sizing him up.
“You look different, dude.”
“It’s the hair. And tattoos.”
“And the bodybuilding,” Alan said. “He used to be scrawny like me.”
“Naw, dude, I was always stronger than you.” Danny chuckled. “Anyway, let’s not keep standing out here. Want to come in?”
The front door opened to a staircase to the second floor. The hallway to the right of the stairs took us to the back, where
the kitchen was. It was older, with speckled stone counters and warm-stained wood cabinets that were looking pretty chipped.
The entire thing could’ve used a renovation, but I had to think a kitchen reno was not high on the list of budgetary priorities
for a college fraternity. The entire place smelled vaguely of warm beer and Lysol.
There were five guys milling around the living room, and I could see more in the backyard out the window. A few girls were in the back too.
“You hungry?” Danny asked. “There are snacks in the living room.”
I shook my head. “No, thanks.”
“Just got up to LA today,” Alan said. “Did Caltech. Officially, UCLA is tomorrow. But we thought we’d get a preview tonight.”
“That’s Gucci, that’s Gucci. Well, if you’re looking for endorsements, I think you should come here for sure.” Danny turned
up his bro voice. “Come to play at UCLA.”
I suppressed an outburst of uncomfortable laughter.
“Drinks?” Danny opened the giant stainless steel fridge, probably the nicest appliance in the entire place. “Beers in the
cooler by the back door. There’s jungle juice on the counter.”
Back at home, while there had been weekend parties, I was not an attendee. I had never been around such a prodigious amount
of alcohol. I hung back to see what Alan would do. He crossed the kitchen and picked out a beer from the cooler. I hesitated,
feeling unsure of what beverage I should pick. In my slight pause, Danny ladled a cup of whatever jungle juice was supposed
to be and handed it to me.
“Try it,” he said.
It occurred to me that you shouldn’t take open drinks from people you don’t know, but I had watched him pour it. I figured
he couldn’t have drugged the entire bowl that was out for general consumption, right? It felt rude to refuse.
I took a meager sip. It was sweet, with a slight edge of alcoholic bitter burn. It tasted innocent. I would only have a little anyway. “Thanks,” I said.
Alan rejoined us.
“So,” Danny said, “how’ve you been, dude? It’s been such a long time. How did the team hold up this year without my presence?
I can’t believe you applied early acceptance to Stanford. I thought the whole plan was for you to come here so you could join
me and the brotherhood. Hold on, I have someone I want you to meet.” He put his arm around Alan, the two of them heading toward
the sliding door, and disappeared out to the backyard.
Although I could’ve followed them, no one expressly included me, so I felt awkward trailing behind them. I had never been
good at inserting myself into conversations.
Another guy and girl came into the kitchen. The guy looked like he was probably one of the brothers who lived here. The girl
had her arm looped around his and a vape pen dangling from her fingers. She was Asian, but she had long dyed-blond hair and
a heavy smoky eye.
I moved aside so he could get to the fridge.
“Hey, who are you?” the guy asked, catching me off guard.
I thought he would simply grab a drink and ignore me.
“I’m Stella.”
“Never seen you around here before. Are you new?”
“Oh, um, I’m in high school. I’m on a college visit with Alan.
” I could hear my explanation coming out in the most convoluted way possible.
“I mean, my friend Alan is also in high school and I’m doing a college tour with him, but he’s friends with Danny Kim, who lives here. They’re in the backyard. I think.”
The girl stared at me, and I knew I sounded like a babbling idiot. She was impossibly beautiful and so dressed up it made
me feel like a little girl.
“Gotcha,” he said after a long pause. “I’m Kevin. And this is my girlfriend, Michelle.”
“Cool.” I took a deep gulp of my drink.
“I’m the president here. So, uh, hope you have a good time.”
“Yeah, will do.”
He gave me a mini salute. He and Michelle disappeared around the corner. I heard her laughing. She probably wasn’t laughing
at me, but I had this problem where whenever I saw people talking or giggling and I couldn’t hear what it was about, there
was no way to convince my brain that it wasn’t about me.
I couldn’t believe Alan had brought me to this party just to abandon me immediately. I was a fool for going along with it.
I thought about calling a car home, but I didn’t have the key. A more socially adept person would’ve been able to strike up
chats with new people or go tell Alan that she didn’t want to stay. But I wasn’t that person. Humiliation settled in like
a wool blanket, too itchy and warm.
I wandered around the living room for a while, on the periphery of conversations, too nervous to be noticed and too nervous
to join in.
There were other people beginning to filter in and heading over. Someone made eye contact with me and smiled as if he were going to come over and say hello.
Instead of waiting for him to get to me, I slipped away and found the first-floor bathroom tucked into the hallway behind
the pantry. It was small and cramped inside, barely enough room for a single sink and a toilet squished into the corner. I
slid to the ground, my back against the locked door. My tips of my shoes pushed against the base of the toilet.
I imagined the messages I might’ve texted a friend to keep me company in this dismal place if I still had any from before.
It could’ve been an amusing story to tell—how I had snuck out of my hosts’ house boldly, only to end up hiding from everyone
in a tiny bathroom, drenched in self-loathing and insecurity.
It would’ve been funny if it weren’t so pathetic.
I checked my phone and saw that my cell reception was nonexistent.
I sat there, while the minutes ticked away, wondering how long I could stay before Alan would notice I was gone. Maybe he
had already forgotten all about me. I drank heavily out of my cup.
Eventually, somebody twisted at the doorknob.
“Hello?” a woman’s voice said impatiently. She knocked.
“I’m almost done,” I said through the door. I rose to my feet. I inhaled deeply to prepare myself, unlocked the door, and
stepped out.
A girl pushed past me hard without any comment and slammed the door shut.
Back outside, the house had gotten dimmer, and the music was turned up.
I blinked in the low light after the brightness of the bathroom.
The air was humid. The hallway felt claustrophobic.
I thought maybe I should head toward the backyard to get some air and avoid the pulse of bodies pressing everywhere.
As I turned, a shoulder bumped into me, and I stumbled forward.
“Stella?” It was Danny. He grabbed my arm to keep me from falling over. He looked surprised.
“Oh, hi,” I said, mildly relieved to have run into at least one person I knew. I peered around him. “Where’s Alan?”
“He’s around somewhere. Don’t worry. He hasn’t left. Where’d you disappear to?”
“Nowhere. I was just, um, exploring. Talking to some people.”
“Meet anybody interesting?”
“Uh, Kevin,” I said. “I think he said he was president.”
“Right on. He’s a cool dude.” We were standing in a somewhat inconvenient position, bottlenecking people who were trying to