Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
PRESENT DAY
Josie
I’m back at the dress shop trying not to look in the half dozen mirrors that Serena has strategically placed around the space because then I’ll have to see the dark circles under my eyes.
After I kissed Ian last night, I stayed up tossing and turning, regretting everything that happened and longing for it to happen again.
Finally, I gave up on sleep and stared at the ceiling until I heard Ian leave for his run.
Luckily, I’d made plans for breakfast with Madeline before the final fitting of her wedding dress, so I got out of the house before Ian returned, sweaty and shirtless.
But now that Serena is with Madeline in the dressing room, adjusting the organza folds of her skirt and making a few final adjustments, I can’t seem to get him or that kiss off my mind.
I turn away from the mirrors and peek out the window, looking for Garrett’s car.
Like the amazing fiancé that he is, Garrett offered to pick Mom up from the airport while Madeline and I drank mimosas this morning.
They should be here at any moment, and I’m almost as nervous to see Mom as I was to face Ian when I arrived on Sandy Harbor a few days ago.
It’s been a decade since we were on this island together, and almost all of that time went by before we talked about what happened to make us leave. It took Mom a week to pack us up and move us away, and then another week after that to sweep the whole thing under the rug.
Garrett’s car pulls up in front of the shop, and Mom steps out, looking more like Madeline’s and my sister than our mom.
It seems that retirement agrees with her.
I’m glad to see it because her life wasn’t always easy.
She lost our dad when Madeline and I were babies, and then she had to flee our home and community when we were teenagers.
She deserves the kind of calm, worry-free life she’s found these past few years.
Sometimes I forget how traumatic it must have been for Mom to see her daughter in so much pain and know she hadn’t been able to protect her.
I feel a wave of compassion over the impossible decisions she had to make.
I watch her say goodbye to Garrett and head for the door of the shop.
I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be able to put the past behind me and find happiness like she always wanted for me.
I remember Ian proudly showing me my sailboat drawing hanging in his office, the intensity on his face when he told me to let him know if I ever encounter someone who makes me feel uncomfortable.
Our kiss by the staircase and the way I didn’t want to stop.
But Mom steps inside the door, and just her presence reminds me of all the reasons why Ian isn’t someone I’ll ever find happiness with. I need to shove my thoughts of him aside and focus on why I’m here.
“Josie,” Mom says, rushing over to throw her arms around me. “You look wonderful.”
“You too, Mom.” I hug her back.
She glances around the shop. “Where’s Madeline?”
“She’s in the back, trying on the dress. She should be out any minute to show us.”
Mom steps over to the dressing room to call hello to Madeline through the curtain, and then she meets me back by the front window. Lowering her voice, she murmurs, “How are you? How has it been to be back here?”
My thoughts drift to the feeling that I was being watched yesterday, and then despite myself, right back to Ian.
My heart swings wildly from a cold dread to a warm glow and back to dread all over again.
It’s been a complete and utter emotional rollercoaster.
But I can’t tell Mom any of that. “Fine. It’s been fine. ”
“You’re comfortable in the motel?” she asks. “I wish you could stay with me at Madeline and Garrett’s house. I don’t like you being on your own on this island.”
“Actually, I’m not on my own.” I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. “There was an issue with the motel, so I’ve been staying with Ian.”
Mom’s face goes pale and her breath hitches. “Ian Langley?” But of course it’s not really a question. What other Ian would I be talking about? What other Ian would make her look like I’ve mentioned a ghost from another lifetime? “Why would you be staying with him?”
Her tone sends a surge of anxiety through me. “Well, the motel fell through, and he offered me his guest room. I couldn’t really think of a good reason to say no.”
“You couldn’t have made an excuse and found another room somewhere?”
I sigh. “What kind of excuse could I make? This is Madeline’s wedding, and he’s the best man. He has a spare room, and I didn’t want to be weird about it. It’s not like he’s a stranger. We were close once.” But of course she knows that.
Mom sighs. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just nervous about you staying with him. I’m nervous about the whole week, to be honest. I just can’t help a sense of doom coming over me, like everything we worked to put behind us is all surfacing, and I have no way to stop it.”
She’s only saying exactly what I’ve been feeling since Madeline came back to Sandy Harbor and unknowingly opened up all my old wounds. “I know.” I mirror her sigh. “But Madeline lives here now. We can’t keep running and hiding from Sandy Harbor forever.”
“I’ll just be glad when you leave the island and go safely home to the other side of the country.
” Mom reaches over to brush a lock of hair from my face.
“Next Christmas, we’ll all try to meet in Arizona.
And then maybe we can convince Garrett and Madeline to come to the Bay Area next summer.
With a little bit of effort, you’ll hardly have to come here again.
And with any luck, you’ll never have to see Ian again. ”
A few days ago, these words would have comforted me. But now a heavy weight settles in my chest. Our kiss comes back to me, and I’m overwhelmed by how much I wish I didn’t have to pull away. I’m tired of running, tired of hiding. Tired of keeping secrets.
But I don’t know how to change it. It’s not only the fear of being found out and what that would do to ruin my life. How would Ian react if he knew what I did? Could he ever forgive me, or would he hate me forever?
“Well, I think you should skip Madeline’s tour of the island at least,” Mom says. “Maybe you could tell her you have a headache, or jet lag. Remember, lay low, like we said?”
Madeline is eager to give Mom a tour of the island, and she suggested we take her this evening to show her all the changes that have occurred since we lived here.
Like me, Mom avoided coming back to Sandy Harbor and thought this place was behind her forever.
I know Madeline suspects that Mom wasn’t honest about why we left all those years ago, but my sister has no idea what the truth really is.
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t believe I had anything to do with it.
I was heading for Berkeley and moving on anyway.
It was easy for me to feign indifference to leaving Sandy Harbor, while Madeline was wrenched away from her senior year of high school and forced to live in a small town where she didn’t know a soul.
I wonder if part of the reason for the tour is that Madeline is hoping to finally get some answers from Mom.
Madeline has asked lots of questions over the years, and her desire to know the truth has only increased since she moved back to Sandy Harbor.
So far, I’ve managed to avoid talking about that summer, but I don’t know how long I can keep it up.
Evenings like yesterday remind me that I don’t want to lie and hide every time I want to visit my sister.
But I don’t know what other choice I have. “Okay, I can skip it.”
The tension lines on Mom’s face smooth out. “I think it’s the right decision.”
At that moment, Madeline peeks out of the dressing room door. “Are you ready to see the dress?”
“Yes!” I say, shoving aside the problems piling up and spinning around to focus on my sister.
Serena pulls the curtain aside, and Madeline steps out in a floor-length silk organza gown.
It’s simple, lightweight, and perfect for a beach wedding, fitted through the bodice and hips and with a skirt that will flow in the ocean breeze.
A delicate pattern of beads adorns the neckline, catching the light and making my sister’s eyes shine brighter.
“Oh, honey.” My mom’s voice cracks with emotion, and I feel tears welling up.
While Mom rushes over to Madeline to straighten a fold in her skirt and talk to Serena about hair styles that will show the beading in the best light, I step back to take in the joy on my sister’s face.
She deserves to be happy more than anyone else I know.
My heart cracks open. I can’t ruin this for her.
Turning around, I face the store window so nobody will see the anguish on my face.
I need to get it together. I can’t cause any more pain to the people I love.
Staring out the window, I take deep breaths, and my heartrate is just beginning to slow when I sense a figure of a man standing out on the sidewalk.
I hope Garrett wasn’t running errands after he dropped Mom off and accidentally caught a glance of Madeline through the window.
She doesn’t want him to see her in the dress before the wedding, and I know he would never intentionally peek.
But when I look up, it’s not Garrett walking by.
It’s a stranger, tall and muscular in a green T-shirt and casual shorts.
His hair is the color of the sand on the beach and his beard looks recently trimmed.
Our eyes meet, and we both freeze.
It’s not a stranger. It’s him. The man from the sidewalk yesterday. I can see him clearly now, and I stare, taking in the lines around his eyes and the set of his jaw.
Is he the one from all those years ago? Is he the one who’s been following Madeline, and now me?
“Honey,” Mom calls. “Josie?” She steps into the window frame next to me.
The man quickly spins away and hurries down the block.
On impulse, I run for the door, swinging it open and stepping out onto the sidewalk.
The streets are crowded in the middle of the day, teeming with tourists shopping for Sandy Harbor T-shirts and boxes of saltwater taffy.
I scan the crowd, and on the next corner, I catch a flash of green shirt and sandy hair.
He’s crossing the street now, picking up his pace as he heads down the next block.
Should I chase him? But if I were to catch him, what would I even say?
Are you following me?
Who are you?
Were you the one who was there the day my life fell apart?
I glance back in the shop to find Mom staring at me through the window, her eyes wide.
Behind her, Madeline is standing by the mirror, talking to Serena about her dress, and she doesn’t seem to have noticed my flight out the door.
For the dozenth time, I remind myself that I can’t ruin this for Madeline.
I take a deep breath and head back into the shop.
“Is everything okay?” Mom hisses at me.
I force a smile. “Of course. I just spotted a woman with a dress I like. I wanted to get a better look.”
Mom looks at me sideways as if she doesn’t quite believe me.
But at that moment, Madeline calls us over to weigh in on her jewelry.
I smooth my face into a neutral expression and cross the room to talk to my sister about her something borrowed and something blue.
But I can’t shake the feeling that I know that man, and even more alarming…
He knows me.
I can’t shake the feeling he saw me that day at Ian’s house.
The day everything changed. The day I destroyed our lives.