Chapter 40
FORTY
PRESENT DAY
Madeline
I’m sitting on the couch of my rental house when Josie stumbles in, still half-asleep, the next morning. “Hey, is there coffee?” she mumbles.
I hitch my chin to the kitchen, where a fresh pot is brewing. She pours herself a cup and then comes back into the living room, stopping short in the doorway. Her gaze sweeps over me, concern all over her face.
I’m sure I look terrible. I haven’t slept at all, my hair is sticking up, and my eyes are red and puffy from crying.
Last night with Garrett was amazing in those fleeting moments where it was just the two of us and we could forget about the outside world.
But saying goodbye to him this morning, knowing I might be walking away forever, was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.
“Are you okay?” Josie asks.
I shake my head. “I’ve thought a lot about what you said. And you’re right. I need to go home. I can’t stay here all summer. I don’t know why I thought I could. ”
“Oh, honey.” Josie sinks down on the couch next to me, setting her mug on the coffee table. “I know you still feel the trauma of Adam’s loss every day, and you were hoping this would heal you. It may always hurt, but maybe this experience will help you finally find closure.”
I thought I was done crying, but my eyes well up again. I’m losing the man I love for the second time in my life. How am I going to go on, knowing Garrett is here and I can never come back?
“Listen,” Josie says, taking my hand, “I took this time off, so we can still have our girls’ trip together. Let’s go to New York. We’ll get a hotel room, see a Broadway show, eat at some great restaurants.” She leans forward to look past my tangled hair and into my eyes. “What do you say?”
Josie flew all this way. I can’t tell her the truth about Garrett, but I can let her hold my hand and comfort me when I cry.
And I wouldn’t mind putting off going back to Maple Ridge for a little while.
I dread being there in all the places I used to be with Adam.
I dread driving past the river and imagining him pushing his car over the side, terrified and alone.
I dread seeing Jason, knowing he put us all in this situation, even if he was just a dumb kid when he did.
Like I’ve summoned him, my phone rings, and Jason’s name appears on the screen. Josie goes back to the kitchen while I swipe to answer.
“Hi, Maddie. Can we talk?”
I’m feeling raw right now, I didn’t sleep, and my anger that he’s not giving me space when I asked for it threatens to overwhelm me.
I take a deep breath in and blow it out slowly.
He’s been through a lot, too. More than I realized.
I can’t imagine what it’s like living with the guilt that your best friend died to save you.
“I know you said not to,” he continues before I can answer, “but I think I should come there. ”
“No,” I blurt out. Josie looks up, eyebrows raised, from behind the kitchen counter. “Don’t come here,” I say in a calmer voice. “Josie and I are leaving.”
“Leaving? Where are you going?”
I fight the urge to tell him it’s none of his business.
We were engaged, and maybe he deserves more of an explanation than I’ve been able to give him about why I ended things, but I deserve the space he’s not giving me.
“We’ve decided the beach isn’t quite what we remember.
So, we’re going to New York for a few days. ”
“A few days? And then what?”
I peek out the side window at Garrett’s workshop. I haven’t seen him out there yet. We agreed that this morning was goodbye, so maybe he left the house. Maybe it’s easier this way.
“And then I’m coming home.”
“Home to Maple Ridge?”
“Yeah.” For now. But I keep that part to myself. Maybe it’s time to move on from Maple Ridge. If this time on Sandy Harbor has taught me anything, it’s that I need to decide what makes me happy. Being stuck is no longer an option.
“Will you come over for dinner when you get home? I know you said you need a break right now, but we have a lot of history. And we’re good together. Don’t just throw it all away.”
My heart clenches at the sadness in his voice. He’s been carrying even more guilt than I imagined for all these years. What would that do to a person?
“Please, Madeline?”
I know that I can’t be with Jason. But he was there for me for years, when I was falling apart, a complete wreck, when I didn’t think I’d make it through. I owe it to him to end this properly, and maybe we can be friends someday.
“Okay. Just dinner. I’ll let you know when I get home.”
We hang up, and I drop the phone in my lap with a sigh .
Josie slides back onto the couch cushion next to me. “You’re doing the right thing.”
“Am I?”
She nods. “Staying here is going backward. You need a fresh start. Maybe you should consider moving to the Bay Area. They’re desperate for teachers, and you could stay in my spare bedroom for as long as you want.”
I seriously consider her offer. Being here on Sandy Harbor didn’t feel like going backward, not when I was with Garrett.
And I can’t help but think of the friendships I was building with Chloe, Ian, everyone at Hudson’s.
Sandy Harbor felt like home, and it always has.
But none of that matters now. I’ll never come back here again.