Chapter 53
Kill me now , Tessa thought, this is the bargain coming due .
Giving up motherhood for money. That’s all it was, flat out, giving up motherhood and wifehood and family and home, whatever those things meant now, for fame and money.
Tessa nodded at the uniformed hotel doorman and pushed through the glass revolving doors, trying to make them go faster, but they had turned to molasses.
And your own dreams? Annabelle asked. How about that? Doesn’t that count? How is this your fault, and not Henry’s fault?
He’d left the kids alone. They had never done that. Not ever. Even when both of them had jobs, they’d had sitters. A big chunk of Tessa’s salary, to her frustration, had gone to that.
“Did your dad tell you specifically not to tell me something?” Tessa began, carefully. “Or are you talking theoretically? Like— if that ever happened.”
“I know what theoretically means, Mom.”
The glare of the hotel lobby and some supposedly inviting fragrance hit her, dark blue leather benches snaked across black-and-white marble floors, and in the center, a circular bar of black leather and burnished steel displayed racks of glittering bottles.
“I know you do, honey. So are you asking me theoretically? Your dad and I know the same things, we have no secrets from each other.” She lied outrageously now, but needed to reassure her son.
From three thousand miles away. “If it’s a good thing, like a surprise birthday party, or something you’d think I’d be happy about, or even a present your father is getting for me that he wants to be a special treat, then”—she paused, warming to her own argument—“well, secrets can be good things. But if it’s something scary, or bad, or that someone is trying to hide, for a bad reason? Zackie, are you awake?”
She’d watched his eyes flutter, it was way too late for him, and here she was making up parental guidelines. “Honey?” He had his head on his Minecraft pillow, and had put the laptop next to him in bed. She only saw half of his face, but that was enough. “Are you awake?”
“I’m awake, Mom, I’m awake. So if it’s a good thing I don’t tell you, if it’s a bad thing I tell you?”
Kids needed rules, and Zack had just created one, and she wasn’t sure if her son’s rule about secrets was even true.
“If it scares you, you tell me,” Tessa said, deciding as she did. “Or if it worries you.” She hoped this was right. How was she supposed to know? If she’d been home, none of this would have happened. Whatever it was.
“And then you won’t tell him I told you? You promise?”
This was dangerous territory, Tessa knew it. “If it’s scary or bad, honey, you can tell me. I promise. Your father and I will work it out. But our goal is to make sure you’re safe and secure. We love you, honey. You can tell us anything.”
But she could see Zack was asleep now, eyelashes against the pillow, and she had no idea if he’d heard one word she’d said. She could not bear to wake him up to grill him about secrets.
But now she knew there were secrets.
“Ms. Calloway?”
She heard her name, coming from behind her as she crossed the lobby, headed for the elevator bank, heels clacking on the marble floor.
She stopped, turned, inquisitive. An elegant woman, in a sprayed chignon and sensible flats, wore the severe dark uniform of the hotel’s desk clerks. Her name tag said Min Liao.
“I was going to leave a message on your phone, but I saw you walking across the lobby.” The woman paused, took a breath.
“I’m such a fan, Ms. Calloway. I wish I could have gone to the bookstore tonight.
But… anyway, there’s a message for you.
” She handed Tessa a sealed white envelope, blank except for the embossed return address of the hotel.
“Thank you.” Tessa held up her phone. “I’m on FaceTime with my son, but he’s sleeping.”
“That’s so adorable,” the woman whispered now, held a palm to her chest as if to keep her emotions inside. “You are such a good mom. How do you do it?”
“Oh dear,” Tessa said, glancing at her phone screen.
Zack was still asleep, eyes closed, motionless.
“We do the best we can, all of us, don’t we?
” She smiled in solidarity. “I’m sorry you had to work tonight, and thank you for giving me the message.
And for your kind words. I wish I had a signed book for you. ”
“That’s so sweet of you. And—Ms. Calloway? You’re exactly like I thought you would be.”
“Aw. And it’s Tessa.” Tessa checked the phone screen again. Out like a light. Then she held up the hotel envelope, heart pounding, trying to stay calm. At least, to appear so. She needed to open this. “May I ask, did someone drop off this message? And you put it in the envelope? Or…”
“She asked for the envelope. She sealed it.” A flare of concern crossed Min’s face. “Oh. Is there a problem?”
“Oh dear, no. No.” Tessa waved off her concern.
“I get notes all the time. I’m sure you understand.
But tonight I had a friend who was going to meet me…
” Tessa stopped. “About my height? My age? Chopped-off hair like this?” She gestured, demonstrating.
“Blond? Perfect hair?” Tessa tried to appear as if she were reminiscing. “She always had perfect hair.”
“I’m sorry,” Min said. “It could be, I guess, but I was kind of hurrying. I’m so sorry. I hope it doesn’t matter?”
“Not at all. Don’t give it another thought.”
“Mom?” The reedy voice came from the phone.
Min clasped her hands to her chest again. “So sweet,” she whispered, and fluttered a wave goodbye as she backed away.
“I’m here, honey.” The note could wait. It had to.
“I was resting my eyes.”
“I saw that,” Tessa said.
“It’s supposed to be a secret, Mom,” Zack said. “But if I tell you, then can I go to Maine with Tris and his mom? I really want to, Mom, I really do. And I saved the kitchen, didn’t I?”
“This is not a negotiation, Zackie.” This whole thing was out of hand, was what it was, but at least she knew there was a secret. And she did not need to pressure Zack to tell her. Not right now at least.
Tessa pushed the up button on the elevator. “So, does Tris have a dad? Have you met him?”
“He’s out of town, Tris says. He’s like always gone out of town. Tris doesn’t care. He says it’s easier to get stuff from his mom when his father is gone.”
Tessa hoped Zack did not hear the irony in his own statement. Then the sound in Zack’s bedroom changed. Footsteps.
“I heard you talking. Is Dad home?”
Linny’s voice.
“Where is he? Why didn’t he come to my room first?” Linny went on. “Why are you on FaceTime? I’m going to tell.”
“It’s Mom,” Zack said.
“This late?”
“It’s not late where she is, stupid.”
“Zachary. Linnea.” This was truly otherworldly, disciplining her children over FaceTime.
“You’re the stupid one,” Linny said, ignoring her.
“Hey!” Tessa called out. “Linny, come show me your adorable self, and stop tormenting your brother.”
“O- kay .”
The laptop video swished, and Linny had aimed the camera at herself.
“Hi, Mom.”
Her new haircut, even spikier after hours on a pillow, almost looked cute, Tessa had to admit. Her T-shirt, which she still wore, showed the splotch of yellow paint.
“Hi, swee—”
“Are you getting little soaps for me, Mom? I love those cute hotel soaps.”
“You are infinite-level dumb,” Zack said, off camera. “Soaps. So lame.”
“See, Mom?” Linny said. “Zack is the lame one. He’s super lame. You are infinite to infinity lame.”
“You two? Can we be civilized? I’m missing you like crazy, and I—”
“What are you two doing awake?” Henry’s angry voice came from down the hall, and Tessa heard his footsteps get closer. “And what happened to the dishwasher? The whole kitchen is—”
“It’s Mom on the phone,” Linny said.
And as Linny turned the screen toward him, Tessa saw the expression on Henry’s face.