Chapter 5
“Forever is never as long as you wish it to be.”
— A Seelie Guide to Happiness
Maddox has a pleasant laugh.
That single thought was enough to break whatever fantastical spell the water had cast over me. I don’t think I ever swam as fast as I did when escaping to the safety and sanity of the shore.
Nolan invited me here to try and salvage what’s left of our failing relationship, and what am I doing? Treading water and laughing with another man.
A man who seems to have changed his mind about joining the game of tag with those other women. With him chasing after them, he’s too busy to watch me in that unnerving way of his.
Thank goodness for that. There’s no telling what Nolan would have one if he caught Maddox staring.
Kerris and Everett hold hands on their blanket, but the heat in his gaze says he wishes they were doing something else.
Sometimes, watching the two of them together feels indecent.
I remember being that in love. The intoxication of it all.
The way your feet never quite touch the ground when your lover is near.
Now, my feet are firmly planted on the grass, and Nolan is missing from our blanket, as is his rucksack.
No doubt seeing all his former colleagues guarding the new king set him off.
Or maybe he saw me with Maddox . . .
My stomach sinks even lower.
Tucking the corner of my towel beneath my arm, I scour the crowd for any sign of my wayward lover. “Have you seen Nolan?”
Kerris glances around as if she didn’t even notice he was gone. The way she and Everett are, I wouldn’t be surprised. “Maybe he went for a walk?”
I doubt it. Nolan isn’t one for casual strolls. Still, he must be around here somewhere.
The guards open ranks to allow me past, some nodding, others ignoring me the way they’ve taken to ignoring Nolan.
I weave through blankets and towels and fae to the space where horses are tethered and carriages have parked.
The drivers play dice in the shade of a willow tree, its branches slowly swaying to nature’s song.
Beside them, Nolan waits on a bench for one of the public carriages to arrive.
When I call his name, his head snaps up. The dark gravel feels like hot coals beneath my feet as I carefully pick my way across, cursing myself for not having the foresight to throw on my slippers.
Shoving my damp curls back from my eyes, I glance from the rucksack by his feet to the frown on his face. “Where are you going?”
He drops his head, jaw flexing beneath a few days’ worth of stubble. Not even an afternoon in the sun has brought the color back to his pale cheeks. “Does it matter? You were too busy flirting with that monster to even realize I was gone.”
The slur boils my blood, leaving me gritting my teeth.
Pick your battles, Nia. Don’t make this worse.
“That’s not true,” I say. Maddox and I weren’t flirting; we were talking, and I should be allowed to talk to anyone I choose.
“It is, but I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to be around them, so I’m going home.”
I wasn’t keen on the Unseelie at first either, but my hesitation was born from fear. We’d been told such terrible lies about the Unseelie, and I didn’t know any better. Then I learned they are just like us. Larger and greener, sure, but ultimately wanting the same thing: to live in peace.
I tighten my towel before dropping onto the bench. “If you give them a chance—”
“They don’t deserve one.”
Does he really want to discuss what’s deserved? If that were the case, his arse would be in the dungeon for the way he treated our queen before she wore a crown.
“Look, Nia. This isn’t working. We want different things.”
Clearly. I want to do what’s right and leave the past behind us, and he wants to cling to it like it’s a life raft and not a boulder.
He’s the one who begged for a second chance. A chance I gave him.
For a few weeks, I almost convinced myself that nothing had changed, but that isn’t true.
I’ve changed.
My world has been expanded to include the lands and people from across The Divide. I’m not sure where that leaves us, but have a sinking feeling it isn’t where I hoped we would be at this stage in our lives.
Nolan cards a hand through his curls, a weighted sigh falling from his lips. “The truth is, I don’t even know if I want to get married.”
Wait. Did he just say— “Since when?”
“Heaven’s sake, Nia. Keep your voice down.”
I’ll keep my voice wherever the hell I want to keep it. Which is apparently silent because his little confession has rendered me speechless.
“I didn’t realize until recently, all right?” he goes on. “You and I have been together for so long, marriage seemed like the next logical step.”
The “next logical step” to that statement is my palm slamming into his no-good face. Wonder what he’d have to say about that.
“Now that I have a bit of clarity, it feels like we’re together for the wrong reasons.”
How is love the wrong reason?
“You only started seeing me to anger your mother.”
“That’s not true.” Not entirely. He was handsome and charming and knew exactly what to say to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.
Yes, his position as a royal guard irritated my mother, and she was incensed that I would “aim so low,” which thrilled me to no end.
Still, I refuse to let him reduce what we have to pettiness.
“And you clearly want to fuck that Unseelie prick.”
A red cloud descends over my vision, blurring his infuriating face. “How dare you speak to me like that.”
Nolan doesn’t even flinch. He just sits there letting his hatred and jealousy rot him from the inside out.
“Maddox and I are friends, nothing more.” And even that description of our relationship is an exaggeration.
Nolan holds up his hands, surrendering the conversation and his hold on us. “Look. I don’t want to argue anymore. It’s time I find someone who doesn’t make me feel the need to constantly apologize for who I am and how I feel. I need a fresh start.”
A fresh start with someone else. Anyone else, as long as she isn’t me.
This is just like Jonathan all over again.
An invisible fist squeezes my throat, making it damn near impossible to swallow. “I didn’t realize being with me was so difficult.”
He has the audacity to roll his eyes. “Don’t do that. Don’t play the victim.”
Play the victim? I am the victim of his bloody lies.
I’ll love you forever.
Apparently, our definitions of the word aren’t the same. For me, forever means until we are both dust. For him, it means until it stops being fun.
The carriage arrives on squeaky wheels, and I watch through watery eyes as the man I thought I was going to marry climbs inside without so much as a glance back in my direction.
What am I supposed to do now?
I’ll be twenty-five in three weeks, and I’ve wasted so many years on someone who ultimately didn’t deserve them.
I feel like such a bloody fool.
I swipe my fist over my eyes, clearing the moisture before it falls.
Suddenly, twenty-five doesn’t seem old enough to make such a life-altering decision. Why didn’t the lawmakers set the age to thirty?
By thirty, surely I’ll have things figured out.
I fill my lungs with sweet summer air and blow out a steady breath. Two. Three. Until the twisting in my chest is no more than a dull ache.
What’s worse than being dumped on a public bench?
Being caught crying about it.
Nolan didn’t deserve all the chances I gave him. He didn’t deserve my love, just like Jonathan.
I’m better off without him.
He’ll wake up tomorrow regretting his decision, and when he comes crawling back, I'll close the door right in his insufferable face.
He’s burned through his chances. Flaunted my forgiveness for the last time.
I stalk across the hot stones without flinching. When I reach the cool grass on the other side, I close my eyes, take one final deep breath—
And run straight into a solid green chest. Hands, bigger than they have any right to be, close around my shoulders, keeping me from falling flat on my arse.
Maddox’s sharp teeth flash with his smile. “Nia Quill.”
I wish he would stop adding my surname. I wish he would stop speaking to me at all.
My jagged edges want to slice him up. Make him bleed so he doesn’t notice the bloodstains left by my heart on the gravel. Hurt him before he can hurt me.
“Don’t do that,” I snap. “Don’t smile at me.”
His head tilts, his wet hair wavier than usual.
I hate that I notice.
I hate how my first instinct is to brush the pieces clinging to his forehead back from his face.
I hate that he’s strong and kind and holding me up when all I want is to crumple to the ground and scream.
You clearly want to fuck that Unseelie prick.
Bloody Nolan . . .
“Being in your presence makes my heart happy,” he says. “When my heart is happy, this happens.” He points to his mouth as his lips inch higher. “I do not know how to make it go away.”
Doesn’t he see?
I don’t want his heart to be happy. I don’t want him to feel anything at all when he looks at me. He is light and sunshine, and I am a wounded animal hiding under a bush, claws out, waiting to slash at anyone who dares to venture too close.
Maddox has crossed that line.
“For the last time, I’m not attracted to you, Maddox. I find your body vulgar and your face grotesque.”
His smile fades, and I instantly want to take it all back.
Every harsh word.
Every terrible lie—
He blinks his dark eyes, then huffs a laugh. The sound is so startling, so unexpected, that I stumble back a step, out of his embrace and onto the searing gravel.
“You think I wish to mate with you?” His nose wrinkles, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he looks disgusted by the idea.
Of course he wants to mate with me . . . doesn’t he?
His peal of laughter makes my stomach tighten, and not the way it normally does in his presence. “You are far too small for me, Nia Quill.”
Excuse me. I am not small; he’s unnaturally large. “Then why do you keep asking about my birthday?”
“You are cousin to my friend’s mate. Am I not meant to be friendly to you?”
Hold on just a moment. Is he saying that he’s only been teasing me to be nice and not because of some deep, unrequited feelings?
Have I been misunderstanding him this whole time?
He’s been flirting with me, sure, but I flirt with plenty of men I’m not interested in.
I feel like such a fool, especially when he follows the sentiment with a pat on my head, like I’m his bloomin’ goat.
I couldn’t have misread the signals that badly. Then again, I was wrong about Nolan, wasn’t I? Why wouldn’t I be wrong about Maddox as well?
“So, you don’t like me?” I ask, needing to be certain.
His broad shoulders lift and lower in a shrug. “You are fair for a Seelie. But there is a female in my village who holds my affection.”
Oh. Right. Of course. Just because Everett is head over heels for Kerris doesn’t mean all the Unseelie are looking for a Seelie bride. Hell, most of them don’t even bother crossing the bridge for more than water from our well.
“I’m so sorry, Maddox. I was worried about leading you on, but clearly, that isn’t the case.”
The muscles in his arms bunch and shift as he folds them over his chest. Something I should definitely not be noticing given the present situation. “Do you think you can withstand the presence of a grotesque-faced and vulgar-bodied male such as myself?”
After all the kindness he’s shown me, I had to spew those lies, didn’t I? What is wrong with me? Shame burns like wildfire up my throat. “I never should’ve said that. It was unfair.”
He shrugs once more, his good humor restored. “I am not so easily shaken. Many of the Seelie fae likely feel the same.”
Except for those women over there, staring at him like he’s a warm, flaky pastry smothered in butter and jam. If he wasn’t interested in them, how could I think he would possibly be interested in me?
“I’m sorry all the same, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“Think nothing of it.” With that, he trots over to the women from the lake, answering their smiles with one of his own.
Think nothing of it.
Easy for him to say.
Those words are going to haunt me for the rest of my days.