Chapter 39
“Nolan Graham is a delusional ass.”
— Nia Quill, An Observation
“What the hell is happening?” Nolan hisses, closing the distance between us with a few hobbles.
I step back, keeping him at arm’s length as I tuck Maddox’s blade into my sash. I could see Maddox’s heart breaking when he told me to go with Nolan. Could feel his pain in my own chest.
Does he honestly think I would trade the best man I’ve ever known for the most disappointing?
I will just have to prove him wrong.
Assuming we make it back in time.
What if we’re late and they refuse to let Maddox go? What if we’re on time and they still refuse?
Bloody Unseelie women . . .
“We have three days to reach Rosehill, find men willing to take the place of the hostages, and then bring them back here.” With the way the light is fading, I know we’d better get going.
Nolan glances around with a scoff. “Are they mad? No one would be willing to live in this hovel.”
“Let’s hope that’s not the case.” We need to remain positive. We will find enough volunteers. We must.
What if Maddox decides he’d rather be down here?
No. Slipping into despair won’t serve anyone. Maddox gave me a gift in exchange for the fish. He chose me, and I chose him. A few days stuck in a village full of women isn’t going to change that.
Raven is appointed as our guide, and she escorts us to the tallest ladder in the entire village, reaching part way up the cliff to where a rocky ledge awaits.
She cannot be serious.
It’s too high. It will probably snap before we reach the top.
Why can’t we climb a bunch of smaller ones? Not as efficient, sure, but at least it would give me time to come to terms with the fact that we’re about to scale a bloody cliff.
Nolan climbs up first, groaning and cursing, no doubt in extreme pain due to his ribs. When he’s close to the top, the Unseelie gestures with her blade for me to start.
I can do this.
Think of Maddox. I climbed higher than this the day of the flood, didn’t I? And there wasn’t a ladder. I can do this. I can—
Can’t.
Ten rungs in, my knees lock up, refusing to bend.
Raven growls something from below, but my eyes are screwed shut. She shoves my foot, but my muscles are too stiff. The fate of Maddox and those four other men rests solely on my shoulders, and I can’t even breathe.
Raven starts to shout, but her words are nothing more than a dull hum as I cling to the ladder.
I hear Nolan’s voice as well, but it’s faint. Like he’s already at the top of the ladder.
You can do this. Look at me.
Maddox’s voice. His dark eyes. His encouraging smile.
For Maddox . . .
The tension slowly leaves my muscles, enough for me to reach up and clasp the next rung. Carefully, I climb, one step at a time, higher and higher, until the ladder ends at the ledge. A dark cavern waits beyond, its mouth yawning like a wolf’s maw.
Nolan waits at its entrance. The moment my feet meet solid stone, he wraps his arms around me, telling me how brave I am.
I feel brave. I feel invincible. I feel—
His lips graze my temple.
I jerk out of his grasp, clinging to the cold stone instead. He clutches his side as he watches me, but just when he opens his mouth to speak, Raven appears at the top of the ladder, a blade clenched between her teeth and a scowl on her face.
I’ve never been so happy to see the woman.
She pushes past us and ducks into the cavern, muttering something in Unseelie.
As soon as this is over, I’m going to ask Maddox to teach me his language.
Darkness swallows us as we follow, and I end up having to cling to Nolan’s shirt to keep from losing them. Can the Unseelie see in the dark? Why doesn’t she use a torch?
Traversing the cavern is a slow, arduous process, but eventually, we emerge to find another path, thinner than the one before.
With my back pressed to the cliff, I keep my gaze fixed on the gray sky and not the deadly drop stretching forever below us.
Moving becomes a little easier once the fog descends.
I can almost convince myself that this is a cool autumn morning among the fields next door.
How many mornings did I sneak back to the cottage after spending the night with the man ahead of me? Too many to count.
Raven moves like a wraith, her leather boots silent. Meanwhile, my own bare feet, frozen and dirty, plod across grass and stones.
Night falls, and still we continue along thin trails, through another dark cavern. At some point, Nolan reaches back, and I let him take my hand to keep from feeling so alone.
We come upon another ladder, but it’s impossible to tell how tall it is in the dark.
I follow Nolan up twelve rungs, and then the ground flattens.
We did it. We made it back to Willowhaven.
I turn and wait for Raven’s dark head to emerge, but she has vanished with the mist.
A loud sob breaks from Nolan’s throat as he falls to his knees and buries his hands in the dusty earth. I understand exactly how he feels. If Maddox were here, I’d drag him to his wagon and lock us both inside so we could erase the horrors of this day by losing ourselves in each other.
But Maddox isn’t here. He’s at the bottom of the canyon.
And he’s going to be stuck there forever if we don’t get to the castle straightaway.
Stumbling to his feet, Nolan slips his arms around me once more. “We made it. We’re alive. I’m so bloody sorry, Nia. For everything. I lost myself to my own grief . . . and lost you in the process.”
“All’s well that ends well.” Or whatever it is they say. “You have Ivee now.”
My own grief and indignation over the end of our relationship have subsided, allowing me to say with absolute certainty that he and I are not suited.
Nolan’s mouth flattens, his hands framing my face as he stares into my eyes.
“You don’t understand. Being stuck in that terrible place gave me time to think.
” Thumbs sweep along my cheekbones. “I didn’t miss Ivee, Nia.
I missed you. The moment I saw you again, I knew what I’ve always known.
What I forgot.” His forehead falls to mine.
“That I love you. Tell me how to make this right. That you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
What we had was infatuation. Lust. Rebellion masquerading as love.
Now that I know what true love feels like—
Bloody hell.
I’m in love with Maddox Finch.
What we share is so much more intense and all-consuming than what I had with Nolan. Deeper. Stronger. Better in every way.
I want Maddox. I need him. I love him.
The realization is so distracting, I don’t even notice Nolan is going to hug me again until it’s too late. Wrapped in his arms, I don’t feel safe or cared for or loved.
I don’t feel anything at all.
“Let go of me. There’s nothing to make right.” What we once had is gone. Over. Done. I shake free to find him staring at me as if I’ve lost my mind.
“You don’t mean that,” he says with a grimace.
I mean those words with my whole heart. “Let’s just get back to Rosehill, find Kerris and Everett, and tell them what happened.” Together, we’ll figure out how to fix this mess we’re in.
Shaking his head, he cards a hand through his matted curls. “What’s the point in going back? They’re not going to let any of them go. The Unseelie cannot be trusted.”
“You’re not seriously suggesting we leave everyone behind.”
He reaches for me, but this time, I’m ready, sidestepping his hands.
“I’m just trying to keep you safe,” he insists.
Safe?
Heavens above.
Doesn’t he realize that love isn’t safe? It’s putting yourself out there, making the hard choices, letting yourself fall without knowing if you’re ever going to land.
“I don’t want to be safe, Nolan. I want to be happy.” The only way that’s going to happen is with Maddox by my side.