Chapter 5
Five
Enoch
Tick. Tick. Tick.
The sound of my watch counting the seconds as they passed reminded me that I was once again in silence. I raised my finger tapping my screen to press the play button.
“Hey, shitbird.” Your voice. I know I heard your voice today. I know it, Shiloh. I sighed, letting a tear fall down my face. “I guess you’re sleeping. I’m glad you didn’t answer actually. It’s better this way. I’ll get to savor the fact that the last time I’ll have heard your voice it was happy.”
My chest ached. My mind was running circles, trying desperately to make sense of what happened earlier today.
It was Shiloh. It was her. Her voice. Her eyes. Those were my Shiloh’s eyes. Those were my red, hazy, hazel eyes that I’d spent hours staring at and falling in love with.
But that wasn’t fucking possible.
Listen to her, Enoch! She’s dead. She’s gone. She left you this voicemail and that’s all that’s left of her now, dammit.
I choked on a sob, letting the sound of Shiloh’s voice fill my bedroom.
“But most of all…I hope that one day you’ll forgive me. Please. I’ll miss you. So much.”
Fuck, I miss you too. I forgive you. I do. I really do.
But fuck, this never-ending nightmare is torture.
I was scared to close my eyes, scared that if I did, I’d forget how it felt to hold Shiloh in my arms today. I knew it wasn’t reality. In what fucking reality was my dead girlfriend alive and living in the same city as me?
But if it wasn’t real, and I wasn’t dreaming, then what the fuck was wrong with me?
Ford and Graham both told me that I wasn’t hallucinating.
When I begged them to tell me whether or not she had been a figment of my imagination they had both attested that she was in fact real. So…a doppelganger? Insanity?
My phone buzzed again, vibrating the bed beside my head where my phone was lying, but I ignored it like I had been doing since Graham and Ford dropped me off at home.
I heard the faint sound of the garage rumbling open downstairs.
Jae. I didn’t want him to see me like this. Not again.
Yet I didn’t move. Just continued to stare at the wall.
Would I be able to confess what had happened? That I, once again, was falling apart and needed help?
I heard the garage entrance open and slam shut.
“Nox?!” Jae shouted from downstairs. “You home?!”
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Fuck, I just needed to move. I needed to get up, pull my shit together before I disappointed him.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
No. Dammit. No. I missed my favorite part.
I tapped the screen, scrubbing backwards to the exact minute mark that I knew she would say it. I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I had listened to that voicemail more times than would ever be considered healthy.
“I know that everything I’m feeling means that I love you and I’m so lucky that you were my first and only.”
My chest, there was a fucking iron plate on it.
“Nox?” His voice was louder now. He was somewhere upstairs. “Where the hell is he?”
I scrubbed backwards, a little farther to hear her say it again.
“I know we only spent a few months together, but I want you to know that I love you. And not just how I love you and—”
“Nox?”
My bedroom door was open, and I could just make out the shape of his body in my peripheral. I tried my best to ignore him, zeroing in on the sound of Shiloh’s voice.
“—never loved anyone before, but I know that everything I’m feeling means that I love you—”
The light to my room flicked on. “N—Oh! Jesus, you scared the shit out of me,” he huffed with a laugh. “What are you—Nox? Are you on the phone?”
A tear tracked down my nose, to the already damp spot on my bedding.
“—know that none of this is your fault and you couldn’t have stopped me. It was inevitable, so please—”
“Is that…” Jae trailed off. The bed sank with his weight, and he picked up my phone, Shiloh’s voice cutting off.
“Don’t!” I shouted, abruptly sitting upright to snatch my phone back. My stomach pitched with anxiety that he might have accidentally deleted the message. He let me have it, and I stared at the screen long enough to realize the message was still there, Jae had just paused it.
“Nox, why are you doing this to yourself?”
I swallowed, swiping at my face.
“I don’t know…I don’t…” my breath caught in my chest, and I met Jae’s worried gaze. “I saw her today. I saw her and I…” I sobbed, fighting to get the words out. I grabbed Jae’s forearm, “I held her, Jae. I held her. And she was real.”
Jae stared at me with confusion and what looked a little like fear.
“What? Who?” he asked.
“Shiloh!” I cried, shaking his arm with exasperation. “I saw Shiloh. But that’s not possible! That’s not possible! And I can’t wake up from—”
I gasped for breath. Fuck!
My chest was caving in. I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“Hey, hey. Hey! Look at me!” I obeyed, meeting Jae’s stare. “You need to calm down, Nox. Breathe.”
Nausea swirled in my gut and I shoved Jae aside, dashing for my ensuite. I made it to the toilet just in time to vomit.
The sobs were uncontrollable now. My whole body shaking with the force.
Jae’s hand landed on my shoulder, rubbing back and forth in a soothing motion. I spit into the toilet before leaning back against the wall, trying to gain an ounce of control. It felt like my whole world was spinning out.
“How much did you drink, Nox?”
“I didn’t! I swear,” I paused, sucking down air. “I swear. I don’t know what’s wrong. Something is wrong with me. I don’t know, I don’t know what to do, Jae. I’m scared.”
Fresh tears fell and I curled my legs into my chest, taking deep breaths.
“Did you…did you take something?” he asked hesitantly, scooting over to lean against the wall beside me.
I groaned, knocking my head against the wall.
“No. I didn’t take any drugs. I’m telling you, I saw her and I held her.
And it was her. It was her voice. It was her eyes.
” I paused to look at him. “I know her eyes, Jae. I know her autumn eyes. It was her, but she pushed me away and I don’t understand… This is just a nightmare, right?”
Jae stared at me for a long moment, lips pursed in thought.
“I…I’m sorry, Nox. I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say. You think you saw Shiloh today?”
I slammed my fist against the floor, impatience and fear making my pulse spike.
“Yes! Today. At the fucking rock-climbing gym.” I paused to wipe my runny nose. “Jae, I’m not making it up. Everyone saw her. Everyone. Saw. Her. You have to believe me,” I implored. Although, I didn’t even believe myself.
Jae shook his head, rubbing his eyes.
“Enoch, please,” he finally said, lifting his head. “Don’t lie to me. Did you take something? Are you drunk right now?”
“Fuck!” I shouted, slamming my head against the wall once again.
“I’m going insane. I am going insane. I must be going insane.
” I dragged my hands through my hair, pulling at the roots.
“I need to be in psych ward right now. I need to be locked up or something, because this isn’t real. I’m just hallucinating dead people in—”
“Alright, alright,” he placated, squeezing my shoulder. “Don’t get all worked up again. Just…let me get you some water and we’ll figure this out, okay? You’re gonna be okay, brother.”
I wiped my face, trying to pull myself together. “Yeah. O-okay.”
Jae nodded before standing up and leaving me alone in the bathroom.
The doorbell rang and my stomach dropped.
Fuck. Jae must have texted him.
No, no, no. I slammed my head against the wall in frustration. I could hear the faint sounds of them talking and I quickly pulled myself up off the floor, little white dots filling my vision. I pushed through the dizziness and rushed out of my room, ready to yell at Jae for bugging him.
Of course he didn’t believe me when I said I wasn’t drunk or high. And could I blame him? I didn’t fucking believe my own mind right now. I sounded like I was drunk or high.
Cheese and fucking rice.
I made it to the top of the stairs, stopping at the landing that would give me a view of the front door.
“I’m sorry, what exactly is this about?” Jae asked.
My brows bunched with confusion. That wasn’t Rick. Who the hell was he talking to?
The man at the door suddenly locked eyes with me and I swallowed nervously, hastily wiping at my face.
“Enoch Reznikovsky?”
Jae turned around to find me at the top of the stairs. “Don’t say anything, Enoch.”
“Hi, Mr. Reznikovsky,” the man greeted with a closed mouth smile. “I’m Deputy Bradley Shaw of the US Marshals Service. I’d like to come in and speak to you, privately.”
My head was spinning. This was a fucking nightmare, right? Another hallucination?
“Jae?” I asked hesitantly, not taking my eyes off the man. He was dressed plainly in a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt and a ballcap. “He’s real, right? Like, you see him too?”
Jae groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Yes. He’s real. And he’s not. Coming. In.”
“Enoch, I need to speak to you. Urgently. This is regarding the woman you ran into today.”
Oh fuck! She called the cops on me? Why the hell is a US Marshals Deputy here then?
“What do you mean?” Jae asked. “What woman?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name,” the deputy said, smiling at Jae.
“I’m his brother, and you’re not talking to him without me present.” Jae crossed his arms, blocking the deputy’s direct view of me. “Now, what woman are you talking about?”
“Emory Crawford,” the deputy said, although he was staring at me. “The woman from the climbing gym.”
I gripped the railing, slowly lowering myself to a seated position.
“Can I please come inside?”
“What the hell is going on here? Who is Emory Crawford?”
The man sighed, pursing his lips, finally breaking our eye contact to look at Jae. “I can’t exactly tell you that, unless you’re going to let me in to talk.”
Jae scoffed, “Fuck that. You need to leave before I call the actual police. Your little badge doesn’t mean shit to me. You probably made it yourself on Photoshop or something.”