Chapter 8
Eight
Enoch
Alive. Alive. Alive.
Every pulse of blood pumping through my body seemed to be screaming the words.
When the deputy left, I was in shock. More so than when I thought I’d run into her ghost or had been involuntarily participating in a sick nightmarish simulation of an alternate reality.
I had taken the deputy’s words to heart when he warned us to keep our distance, even though every strand of DNA in my body was set on a course straight back to her arms, building elaborate daydreams of our future together.
But protecting Shiloh took precedence over my selfish desires.
So, when Jae made me promise him that I would stay away from her, I had quickly agreed.
But as each hour passed, it became harder and harder to get her out of my head. Truthfully, she’d never left.
Was she okay?
What had happened in the days before she left me that had caused her to fake her own death?
Had she been hurt?
What signs had I missed that there was something deeply wrong?
Why Anchorage?
Why had we run into each other now?
Was she still in Anchorage?
How long had she been here for?
Where was she going to next?
Did she miss me?
Was the fear on her face when she saw me again, purely out of self-preservation, or did I read her wrong?
Did she even want to see me again? Or had I forced the whole encounter?
Was she happy now?
Was she in a relationship? Had she moved on? Had she forgotten about me?
The questions were endless. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t function at work, was barely even able to hold a conversation.
And everybody could tell that something was wrong after my whole shop had witnessed my psychotic break. Thankfully, they seemed to be avoiding mentioning it to my face. Except for Ford, who thanked me for getting him out of having to climb.
But when I couldn’t take the unending curiosity, I took off during my lunch break to find her.
I just wanted to confirm whether or not she was still in town, and that she was still real.
That she was alive. I hadn’t planned to even speak to her, but then I saw her walk outside with Jae and the confusion had me following them around the corner.
That was the start of this uncomfortable rift.
One we hadn’t felt in close to a year since we began rebuilding our brotherly bond.
But as much as Jae had argued, he wasn’t able to convince me to stay away.
Not when I was absolutely positive that this whole encounter was a gift from God.
There was no other explanation. I didn’t believe in coincidences, and even if I did, this was one hell of a fucking coincidence.
Alaska, of all places, at an event that wasn’t even originally planned to be at the location or on that day at that time.
It was God.
And I wasn’t going to take this opportunity He’d given us for granted.
But I’d already sent Jae into overprotective dad mode, and there was no going back.
Jae was hovering. He followed me everywhere, watched me eat, raided our house from top to bottom to check for alcohol and I couldn’t take a shit without him asking where I was going and why I was closing the door.
The guy was convinced that I was going to relapse.
What little trust I’d gained from him in the last ten months was crumbling.
Especially after I broke the promise I’d made and went to see her and gave the impression that I was intent on starting something.
Not that he had the right to dictate whether or not I pursued a relationship with her.
He’d even looped in my sponsor, Rick. Jae had called him behind my back, voicing his concerns that I had gotten in touch with an ex-girlfriend who’d been a catalyst for my drinking in the past. Rick had taken Jae’s side, and I’d been forced to tell Rick that we weren’t dating again. Although, I wished that we were.
I felt like everyone was waiting for me to screw up. The only reprieve I got was when I went to church this morning and finally found a moment of peace. At least my church friends were none the wiser and treated me like a sane person. Well, minus Rick and Jae, who always attended church with me.
I knew I should’ve just been grateful that I had people who cared so much about me, and I was, but it’d been a week of smothering concern, and I was sick of the lack of personal space.
Regardless of Jae’s opinion, I wasn’t going to throw my ten months of sobriety out the window when Shiloh was here, alive.
Even when I thought I was having a break from reality, I didn’t have the urge to drink.
I didn’t understand how or why Shiloh had to fake her own death.
And, yes, a large part of me was hurt that she left the way she did.
She said it wasn’t her idea, but the suicide nearly killed me.
It was hard to reconcile with the notion that she made me, made us all, believe that she had taken her own life.
And we had to find a way to keep living without her.
A nearly impossible task for a very long time.
And now…now she was here, she was alive, and my heart ached to pick up where we had left off. Nothing she told me would change the way my heart beat for her.
Nothing.
But I couldn’t exactly tell her I loved her still when she was right, to an extent.
I didn’t know much about her life now, but I wanted to.
If I had to deal with being in the friendzone for an undetermined amount of time, then so be it.
I could wait to tell her how I felt about her until she was ready to hear the words.
Shiloh could barely believe that I cared about her still, like time would erase her and everything she meant to me.
But she was dead set on leaving, and I didn’t even know if she had the option to stay here in town or not. It was killing me to think that this might actually be goodbye.
I felt the burn of Jae’s stare on my head.
“Can I not scroll social media?” I asked dryly as I looked up from my phone. Jae rolled his eyes from the other side of the kitchen island.
“I’m allowed to be concerned for your wellbeing. You were acting out of your damn mind. You scared the shit out of me. Freaking hell, man. Cut me some slack here.”
I sighed, locking my phone and setting it down on the counter.
“I get it. Okay? It was a low moment, but you can’t blame me for thinking I was hallucinating…or worse. You couldn’t believe it either, even when the deputy was telling you I wasn’t crazy, and I had seen Shiloh.”
Jae rolled his eyes again and focused his gaze back on the plate of food he was preparing himself.
“I don’t think getting involved with her is a good idea. And neither does Rick. Hell, even the damn deputy told you to stay away from her.”
“So, you’ve all said. Repeatedly.”
“And I don’t think you’re thinking through the consequences of when she leaves unannounced,” he shrugged, piling some chicken onto his plate that he’d just grilled on the deck.
“And what makes you think she’d just leave without saying goodbye?”
“Because I don’t trust her. We don’t even know this person.
We were friends for a few months almost five years ago.
And she seemed pretty damn content to just leave you in the dust after your breakdown.
She could have just told you then and there, but she chose to let you believe you were crazy.
And then, you were practically begging this girl to even consider speaking to you.
So, yeah, I think she will leave again. And I’m going to be the one to pick up the pieces when she’s gone. ”
I shook my head, not wanting to argue the same point over and over again.
If he wanted to hold a grudge against her, that was his prerogative.
It wasn’t going to stop me from meeting up with her this evening.
I’d given her our address because I wasn’t sure how the whole ‘keeping her identity a secret’ worked.
I didn’t know if we were allowed to be seen together in public or if I was being dramatic.
When I had asked Shiloh to come over for dinner tonight, I wasn’t thinking about Jae’s feelings or how he would react when she showed up.
I was just over-the-fucking-moon that she had agreed to see me at all.
Because, yeah, maybe I did have to beg a little to get her to want to talk to me, but unlike Jae, I did still know her.
And I knew that she wasn’t going to make this easy.
Not when she had said herself she was just trying to protect us.
And knowing that she was leaving again. I sweating just thinking about it.
Today, it was my fucking mission to get her to see how good this could be.
How staying here was an option, the best one, because not only would we not jeopardize her safety, I’d also be the best friend she could ever ask for.
And, eventually, if it worked out the way that I wanted, we’d become more one day.
I just needed to be patient. Have a little faith that God’s plan wasn’t just to give us a proper goodbye, but a second chance at forever.
“She’s coming here in a couple of hours, by the way.”
The metal tongs clattered against the counter, and he blinked up at me.
“Great. Well, I’ll just be holed up downstairs then,” he muttered with annoyance.
His bad attitude was getting on my nerves, and I didn’t want it to affect my mood, so I went to the fridge to start preparing our dinner.
I used the counter opposite Jae and set out my chopping board and a knife.
I grabbed the bag of potatoes from the pantry and got to work.
My mind was still buzzing in circles trying to accept my new reality.
I tried to shake off the unease that still lingered, the fear that I’d be shaken from this dream at any moment.
Jae took up a spot at the island that doubled as our kitchen table, and I could feel his eyes on my back. I sighed, pulling my earbuds from my pocket, and let music drown out his negativity as I focused on chopping.
I knew that Jae’s anger was just love and concern for me.
I knew that it had been difficult for him to see me at my worst, but I wished that he had a little bit more respect for my choices.
Shiloh wasn’t a bad person and whether or not she was in my life, she wouldn’t be the one at fault if I decided to pick up a bottle of beer. That would be all on me.
The shame that I had let myself develop a problematic relationship with alcohol was enough for me to never want to taste another drop of it.
I couldn’t bear the thought of Shiloh knowing that I had let myself get so low.
Let myself succumb to depression and immaturity.
Let myself be so world-shatteringly struck down by her death that I’d rather drown in blackout-drunk waters than live in a world where I let someone I loved believe they had to permanently disappear.
And now…knowing that she hadn’t actually taken her own life. I was still reeling. Still struggling to comprehend the relief I felt, the weight of guilt that had crushed me for years suddenly lifted.
Protection. That’s what she said was her reason for leaving us to believe she’d died. She’d always valued others’ wellbeing over her own. I prayed that in the last five years she had finally realized that she deserved to be safe and happy as much as she had hoped I would be one day.
Was she happy now? Was she living life to its fullest? Was I just another memory, fading and blurry at the edges?
Or had she held onto me like I had to her?
There were so many answers I wanted. But I had no clue what she was going to be willing to share. It had always been that way—like pulling teeth just to get a fraction of the truth. Would I ever be able to get her to finally spill all her secrets?