Chapter 9 #3
“I think you’ve asked your three questions,” I finally managed to say. I was sweating and the panic inside me was swirling to a dangerous height. “Can I check out that bathroom you mentioned?”
My stomach churned and I quickly stood.
He shook out of his stupor and stood as well. “Of course. I’m sorry. That was way more than three questions. The open door in the hallway, straight ahead.”
I didn’t hesitate as I crossed the room and found the bathroom. Locking the door behind me, the breath in my lungs seemed to feel heavier and heavier. I turned on the cold faucet, quick to cup my hands beneath the flowing icy water and splash my face with it.
My heart was pounding fiercely as the panic set in and my whole body shook. I sucked in an unsteady breath, holding it and releasing it slowly.
It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
My eyes pricked with tears, and I clenched my jaw. With shaky hands, I ripped off my sweatshirt and unbuttoned my jeans to uncover the freshest cut on my hip, peeling back the bloody Band-Aid.
Dread flooded my nervous system like a drug I just injected into my veins. The overwhelming and all-consuming sense that something terrible was going to happen had me collapsing to the floor. I pressed my head between my knees and silently screamed.
Stop. Stop. Stop.
What if they find me?
I dug my nails into the fresh cut on my hip and tried to narrow my focus on the stinging sensation.
In.
You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.
Out.
What if they hurt my friends? What if they kill them?
No. God, please. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease…
I dug deeper, gasping. Fighting the panic. I knew it was irrational. Logically, I knew it. There was no reason to believe I was in immediate danger. But I couldn’t stop the barrage of fear that had overtaken me.
I begged and pleaded, gouging myself in the process, until my heart finally slowed, the air started to reach my lungs, and the sense of doom had mostly run its course.
I jolted at the knock on the door.
“Shil-Emory? Everything okay?”
I took a shaky breath, trying to steady my voice. “Fine. Be out in a minute.”
“Alright. I’ll be on the deck. I’m going to get the food started.”
I held my breath until the sound of his footsteps faded.
I glanced down at myself and gaped at the blood.
I’d made a mess of myself. A mess of the linoleum.
My nails were stained red. I gingerly stood, reaching for the roll of toilet paper.
I pressed a wad against my bleeding hip, and, with my free hand, I awkwardly grabbed more to wipe up the floor.
With a little water from the sink, I was able to rid the floor of my mess, but my hip and hem of my underwear were a different story.
With a soft grunt I kneeled down and opened the cabinet below the sink.
I rifled through the contents until I found a box of Band-Aids.
It was already open and missing several bandages, but I managed to sift through and find the largest option.
I grabbed two and made quick work of putting them over the gashes I had made.
I tossed the wrappers and the old band-aid in the trashcan under the sink before flushing the bloody tissues. I splashed some more water on my pale and clammy face before straightening up.
Hell, there’s no way he’s not going to realize I freaked out in the bathroom.
I huffed, using the towel hanging on the wall to pat my face dry before deciding I’d have to leave the room. I threw my sweatshirt back on and adjusted my clothes.
Enoch was where he said he’d be, on the back deck standing in front of an open grill. I opened the slider and paused. Enoch had put on a pair of slides, but I was still only in a pair of socks.
Enoch spun to face me at the sound of the door opening.
The deck was East facing, and the sun was no longer shining on this side of the house leaving a chill in the air.
I settled against the doorframe, standing inside the threshold, and crossed my arms over my chest. I thought he was going to ignore the state of me as he turned back towards the grill and shut the lid.
“Was it too much?” He asked, turning his body to face me again. I noticed he’d put on a lightweight jacket.
“What?”
“Did I cross a line back there? I can tell it shook you up. I’m sorry. I got carried away with the questions.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. I hate to break it to you, but girls shit too, you know? And you should really have some air freshener in that bathroom for guests so they’re not afraid to take a shit when they gotta go.”
Enoch wasn’t fazed by my attempt at deflecting his question. His stare was penetrating, and I worried for a moment he’d somehow heard or seen what had happened in the bathroom.
After a long pause of enduring his stare, he finally shrugged and grabbed the tongs from beside the grill.
“I’ll have to remember that next time I go to the store. Wouldn’t want my guests to be afraid to use the bathroom,” he chuckled under his breath.
I let loose a sigh of relief that he was dropping the topic and took a moment to admire the view. The yard was overgrown, filled with piles of decayed leaves from seasons past. In the distance, I could make out the mountains.
“So…what’s next? You did the living room, the kitchen, and…the deck?” I glanced over at him with a raised brow.
“Yeah, the deck was rotting, and it was stipulation of the sale that it be repaired before we moved in. I think I’m going to update the guest bathroom next.”
Enoch retrieved the cooked chicken off the grill and placed everything onto a clean platter.
“Let’s eat,” he smiled, switching off the grill and motioning for me to move.
The thought of food going into my belly made me want to throw up, but I wasn’t about to tell Enoch after he had just cooked a meal for us.
I took a seat at the island, and he pulled out potato salad and a platter with sliced vegetables and hummus from the fridge.
I watched in silence while he plated us both and then moved to take the seat beside me.
“Would it be weird if I blessed the food?” He asked, his face scrunched up with something akin to nervousness.
“Um, no. That’s fine.”
I tried to focus on his short prayer of thanks and blessing of the food, but the last time I prayed before a meal was in Eden.
As if I needed any more reminders of how much had fucking happened since we last saw each other.
The prayer ended and Enoch shot me a smile before digging in.
I picked at the chicken, seemingly the safest option for my unsettled stomach.
“So, what about you? What’s new?”
I was hoping that getting him to talk about himself would keep his attention off of me and the fact that I wasn’t really eating anything.
“Uh, well, nothing really. I mean, my life isn’t that exciting. If I’m not working, I’m at the gym or working on the house. Still settling in here, so I haven’t really been out much.”
“And is Jae living here permanently or…?”
“Oh,” he paused to chew and swallow before continuing. “Yeah, he’s living here as long as I’m stationed here, or longer I guess if he decides he wants to stay. Um, he’s opening up an MMA gym actually.”
“Wow. When’s that happening?”
“The contractor says six weeks. It was supposed to be open July first, but they’ve had issues with some shipments of materials.”
I nodded, nibbling on another bite of chicken.
“And what about the rest of your family. How’s everything with them?”
Enoch paused for a moment, leaning back in his chair as he looked at me.
“They’re good. Really good,” he said with more of a sad than happy smile. “Esty starts her senior year of high school in the fall. Eden and Sebastian are good. They’ve had another kid. A little boy—Benjamin, or Benji for short. He’s almost three now. And Ruthie will be six this fall.”
My heart ached for everything I missed and how I wished I could have been there for those happy moments with Sebastian.
“My parents sold the house and moved back East near my grandparents. Actually, our entire family, Jae’s family, Sebastian and his mom and stepdad too…they all moved to Pennsylvania.”
“Were you in Florida by then?”
Enoch nodded slowly. “Yeah, I was in Florida. I didn’t even know that my family was moving until they had already sold the house. It sucked not being involved when they packed up the house and left, but I guess that’s the price you pay when you join the military.”
“Did Jae live with you in Florida, too?”
Enoch sighed, leaning back over his plate and moving his food around absentmindedly.
“Uh, not until the last few months. And then he decided to move with me when I got my next assignment, Anchorage.”
I hummed in thought, sipping my soda before speaking. “I guess we had that in common. Moving around without much control.”
“Where were you before Anchorage?”
“Tulsa. It was just temporary, long enough to…”
“To what?”
I licked my lips. “I had gotten sick, and I stayed there to finish healing. And then I made it to Anchorage.”
“Sick?”
I crossed my legs, vague memories of the helicopter ride to the hospital flashing in my mind.
I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to ever figure out that it was in fact the FBI who had come to get me.
I didn’t remember any of my time in the ICU, other than Carlos died and they wanted me out of Texas.
I stayed in Tulsa for three weeks recovering from the hemorrhage.
After losing nearly all of the blood in my body, I was too weak to do anything myself and Bradley took on the role of caretaker.
It was the start of a bond that should have never happened, because it led him to going against protocol and giving me choices for my relocation.
Something that had resulted in the very situation I found myself in.
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“Sorry,” he reached out and gave my arm a light squeeze. “I know I said I’d only ask you three questions.”
“I get it,” I forced a smile, shaking off the memories.
“But I have one more.”
I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to ask. There was a moment of silence, and I braced myself for what else I was going to have to divulge.
“What happened in the bathroom?”
I blinked, completely surprised by the question.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
My heart skipped a beat and, for a second, I wondered if he’d somehow found evidence of what I’d done. But I knew that he hadn’t been in the bathroom to find any.
“Seriously, what are you talking about?”
He licked his lips and flicked his gaze to my hand that was holding my fork.
“You’ve got dried blood under your fingernails.”
I looked down at my hand, my fork clattering against the counter. Fuck me.
“It’s not—”
“Shiloh, I know you. I pushed you with all the questions, and when you get upset or panicky, you hurt yourself.”
I gave Enoch a ‘bullshit’ look, and he tapped his finger on the sleeve covering my forearm.
“I remember that day like it was yesterday. And I’ve seen you several times since you’ve gotten here digging your nails into your skin.
” My heart was fluttering against my ribcage.
Fucking observant prickface. “And with the blood under your nails, that wasn’t there before you went to the bathroom, it’s obvious something happened. Something like you hurting yourself.”
The urge to flee was unavoidable and I slipped off the chair, taking several steps away from him.
“This isn’t a judgement, Shiloh—dammit, I mean Emory. I promise. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
“Fucking judge me all you want,” I shrugged, trying and failing to maintain a calm facade. “I don’t give a fuck. And I don’t have to explain myself to you.” My breath was choppy as I reached for my purse from the counter.
“And you don’t need to, Emory. I just want to make sure whatever you did in the bathroom isn’t going to do you serious harm.”
I swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth.
“No, fuck this. Goodbye, Enoch.”
I was already halfway down the stairs, running with a renewed sense of energy as adrenaline began to kick in. But at the bottom of the stairs, blocking my exit, was Jae.
“Great. This is just fucking great. Move, Jae,” I spat, stopping several steps from the bottom of the staircase.
I noticed his gaze stray behind me and realized Enoch was blocking me in from the top of the stairs. The fuckers had me trapped.
“If you don’t move and let me leave right fucking now, I’m going to put you on your fucking ass you fucking cumwipe.”
Jae smirked and crossed his arms over chest. He cocked his head, giving me a once over from head to toe. “Are you now? That’s hilarious. I’d really like to see you try.”
I ground my teeth and huffed with exasperation. This fucking bag of sweaty dick tips.
I gave him a sarcastic smile and descended until I was standing on the step above him. “Have it your way, shit stain.”
I raised my leg as if to knee him in the balls and he instinctively blocked himself with a hand. It was enough of a distraction that he didn’t have time to stop my fist when I landed a jab straight to the throat.
He choked, wheezing as he clutched his throat, eyes wide and watering. I shoved him aside.
“Shiloh, wait!” Enoch shouted after me, but I was already out the door and running straight for my car on the curb.
I managed to get my keys and unlock it before he could reach me, sliding into the driver’s seat and slamming the door behind me. I locked the doors and threw it into drive without looking back.
It was stupid and mean to hurt Jae, but I’d cut off my own fucking arm with a plastic knife before I let someone trap me again.
That fucker would learn his lesson.