Chapter 15 #3
“So, does this mean you’re not coming on the boat today?” Cole asked, glancing at Enoch before focusing on me.
“What?” I mumbled with confusion.
“That’s right, you’ve been AWOL in the group chat all week. We’re out on Lottie’s parents’ boat for the Fourth celebration.”
I curled my fingers around the hem of my shirt as a distraction from the guilty feelings in my chest.
“I didn’t mean to ignore everyone. I’ve just been busy is all.”
Cole looked like he didn’t believe me but didn’t comment on it.
“Well, send us a text when you decide if you’re coming, yeah? Lottie sent me out here because everyone else had already left town for the lake. She was hoping I could convince you to come out. She’s worried about you. You didn’t respond to anyone’s messages or calls yesterday.”
I nodded unsure what to say without sounding like a terrible friend. I knew she was worried, knew I should have been reading and responding to all the text messages I’d received. But when planning my demise, I hadn’t given myself any room for maintaining relationships that were about to end.
“Well, I’m going to get on the road before it gets any later. I’ll come by on Monday to check the bike.” Cole stood to face Enoch with his hand outstretched. “It was nice meeting you, Nox.”
“Yeah, you too, man.”
Cole gave me a wave on his way to the door, and we both watched him leave. I moved to quickly lock the door and when I spun around to face Enoch he was giving me a concerned look.
“What?” I shrugged, stepping into the kitchen to get the gun. I removed the magazine and reloaded the last bullet.
“You have a gun?”
I licked my lips, focused on my task. “Yeah. Don’t worry. I know how to use it safely.”
I replaced the magazine in the gun, making sure it was loaded like Bradley insisted on, and passed Enoch as I walked to my bedroom. I placed the gun back inside its usual home, my bedside table drawer.
“Do you conceal carry, too?”
I turned to find Enoch watching me from the doorway.
“Uh, no.”
When he held my stare, my armpits started to sweat. Fuck. Had he looked inside my backpack yesterday? I could tell he had more questions.
“Does that bother you? That I own a gun.”
He folded his arms across his chest, drawing my attention to his muscles. I flicked my gaze back to his and he smirked. Shitbird.
“I think it bothers me that you feel the need to own a weapon to keep yourself safe,” he said his smiling turning sad.
My eyes narrowed. “It’s not just to feel safe. It’s the only chance I have at surviving if they find me.”
“Right. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just the whole situation is…I’m just sorry you’re in this position at all.”
I shrugged, closing the drawer and taking a seat on the edge of my bed.
“It is what it is.”
He nodded solemnly. A beat of silence passed before he spoke. “Two weeks ago. Like, two weeks ago Saturday? The day we met?”
“Yeah.”
“What happened? Why didn’t you wear your gear?”
I sighed. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was just in a rush to get out of the gym. Probably in a little bit of shock and someone cut in front of me on the highway. I lost control and slid off the road.”
Enoch grimaced. “That sounds bad. Did you go to the hospital?”
I shook my head and his eyes bugged. “Shiloh that’s insane. How bad is the road rash?”
“It’s fine.”
“Can I see it?” He asked with a pleading gaze.
I wasn’t about to argue with him about it, so I rolled up the sleeves to my shirt to my elbows.
He hissed and knelt in front of me, gently turning my arm to get a closer look. “You really did a number on yourself.”
I shrugged, glancing down at the healing scabbed skin.
Most of it was minor and already healed with fresh skin.
But there was a deeper section from my elbow to my wrist on my right arm that was still covered in thick scabs.
If he thought this was bad, he definitely didn’t want to see my knee and calf, or the purple and green bruising down my hip.
“Does it hurt?”
“Nah. It did the first couple of days, but I don’t even notice it now unless a scab gets caught on something.”
Enoch reached out, brushing the inked skin that thankfully didn’t appear to be impacted by the freshly healed scrapes. I shivered under his touch and pulled my sleeves down.
Enoch cleared his throat and moved to stand. “So, you going to join your friends?”
I blew out a long sigh, flopping my body back onto my mattress.
“I should. I’ve been ignoring them, and I don’t want them to be upset.”
I looked up at where Enoch was standing over me and watched him study me. “What?”
“Nothing. Just…can’t believe I’m here. In your apartment.” Enoch stepped between my legs and leaned his body over mine until his hands landed on either side of my head. “Meeting your friends. Learning that you ride a motorcycle. That you’ve got a bunch of tattoos.”
My breath caught in my chest as his eyes landed on my lips.
“I want to kiss you,” he murmured, brow eyes studying my own for my reaction.
“Then what are you waiting for?”
He chuckled softly, “For a sign that you won’t knee me in the balls if I do. I told you last night that I wasn’t going to, kiss you again, I mean. But…you’re pretty irresistible.”
“I won’t." I licked my lips. "Knee you in the balls.”
My stomach flipped as he waited another long moment before leaning forward and pressing his lips to mine. I wanted to cry tears of joy, frustration, shame, fear.
What did it mean that I was kissing him?
Why was I leading him on when I was planning to leave him again?
Why was I thinking about staying?
Why was I allowing him to force himself into my life again?
I placed my hands on his hips only for him to pull away. I frowned, opening my eyes to find him staring down at me with a worried expression. He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against mine.
“If I leave, are you still going to be here tomorrow?”
I swallowed, closing my eyes too. I could feel the tension in his body growing the longer I took to respond.
“Yes.”
Enoch pushed his body up and off the bed, making me open my eyes once again.
“Go get ready to see your friends, then. Go have fun. I’m sure you don’t get to do that often.” He chuckled, smoothing out the crease between my brows. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. You can see me anytime.”
“You sure about that?” I asked with uncertainty, shoving past him to walk to my closet.
I looked over my shoulder to find Enoch had positioned himself across my bed to watch me.
I tried to ignore his attention as I sorted through my clothes for a suitable boating outfit.
Even if it was hot enough to want to go swimming in the lake, I sure as hell wasn’t going to.
My body was never going to be able to be exposed in a swimsuit, let alone shorts and a tank top.
My stomach knotted as my question remained unanswered.
“Shy,” he called after a minute. “I forgive you. For lying. For leaving the way you did. And for anything they might have forced you to do while you worked for them. Do you understand why?”
I opted for a pair of thrifted cargo pants and a plain long-sleeved shirt. I decided to layer it with one of my favorite graphic tees and turned to face Enoch.
“No. No I don’t. I don’t understand how you could still want to be around me.
How you don’t hate me. Or hate my inability to not be selfish.
I’m still being selfish, Enoch. I shouldn’t have kissed you.
I shouldn’t have let you come up. I shouldn’t have slept beside you.
Just because I want something doesn’t mean that I should have it.
And you don’t deserve to be shackled to all this mess. ”
Enoch sat up. “Shy. I don’t hate you. Never could.
Never will. Even if you woke up one day and decided that you didn’t want this, I still couldn’t hate you.
You want me to believe what you think about yourself, but I won’t.
I’m sorry if that’s easier for you, but you don’t get to dictate how I feel about you.
I told you to be selfish, because I, honestly, don’t think you’re nearly as selfish as you should be.
You want to stay friends? I’ll be the best damn friend you could ever ask for.
You want more? I’m already yours. You don’t even have to ask, just take.
But please, stop trying to carry the weight of guilt for things that I’ve already forgiven you for.
My mind isn’t going to change how I feel about you, today, tomorrow, a year from now.
Shiloh, I will always love, regardless of how you feel about me, or the things that you decide to share with me about your past. Because they do not define who you are today. ”
I stared, teeth biting into my lip for a spark of pain to ground me.
“So, go. Have some fun with your friends, take a minute to think about what it is you really want, and I’ll still be here whatever you decide.
If I’m honest, Shiloh, I don’t think WITSEC is going to move you again, and I don’t think that you actually want to leave either.
Otherwise, why did you get into my car yesterday? And why did you stay?”
The urge to kick him out, to scream at him, to fight back against his demands, against his too keen deductions of my inner thoughts, was too strong. I shook my head, hands fisting in my clothes. My chest hurt and the words slipped out before I could take them back.
“I hate you.”
Enoch blinked, letting my words fall over the room like a weighted blanket. “I love you.”
My jaw clenched, annoyed that he didn’t believe me, even though I didn’t even believe the words myself.
“You ruined everything. I was happy before you showed up, and you’re sticking to me like a fucking cancer.
You’re delusional and you’re hurting me right now by refusing to let me go.
This hurts, Enoch! Please, if you actually love me, you’ll stop hurting me and let. Me. Go.”
He cleared his throat, fluffing the pillow behind him until he was laying more comfortably in my bed.