Chapter 17
Seventeen
Enoch
My heart pounded in my ears as I stared at my closed bedroom door. I could hear Jae in the kitchen, probably making coffee or breakfast. I was sweating and checked that I was wearing deodorant. Just get it over with, Nox.
I took a deep breath, pulling my door open and walked into the kitchen.
“Morning,” he called out over his shoulder. Jae did a double take, his body fully turning as he intensely scanned my body.
“What’s wrong?”
Damn his ability to read me.
I swallowed and he nodded slowly. I knew what he was thinking, and it hurt to see the disappointment in his expression.
“I didn’t drink.”
Jae’s mouth opened and shut. He blinked several times, and I could see the relief as his shoulders sagged. Jae leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.
“Okay. And if you did, we would have gotten through it together.” His proclamation was firm, and I smiled softly at his loyalty.
“Thank you. But, um, as you know,” I cleared my throat, the anxiety and shame swirling in my gut, “honesty is, like, the cornerstone of AA.” Jae’s eyes narrowed, unsure as to where I was going with this. “And, yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I thought about actually doing it.”
Jae licked his lips, nodding. “But you didn’t?”
I shook my head. “Called Rick and went to a meeting.”
Jae took a deep breath and smiled, “Good. Thank you for being honest with me. I, um, I’m assuming this has to do with Shiloh?”
I tensed, worried he was going to lecture me again about how she was bad for my sobriety.
“It was a lot for me, too. Hearing everything she went through. Trust me. I…I cried again as soon as I left you guys upstairs last night. I couldn’t fall asleep until after two.”
My face softened with sympathy, and I stepped into the kitchen. I pulled him into an embrace and relaxed as his arms clapped around my back.
“I’m proud of you for not drinking,” he said against my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “I just feel so…inadequate. Like, I can’t help her. You know? There’s nothing I can do to protect her. And it-it fucking sucks, bro.”
Jae squeezed me tighter, “I know. I wish we could go back in time. I just keep thinking about what we could have done differently. Like, if we had figured it out, or if she had said something…Maybe your dad could have helped. I don’t know, we could’ve smuggled her out or something, sent her to live back East with Baba. ”
“If my dad had intervened…I think, as shitty as it is, I think she really did protect us. We could’ve been killed. We could still be in danger.”
Jae pulled back, holding me at arm’s length by my shoulders.
“So, you finally understand why I was freaking out?”
I nodded, swallowing as yesterday played out in my mind again.
“She has a gun, Jae.”
His eyes widened as he stared at me.
“Like, a gun gun? Like a real weapon? With bullets and everything?”
“Yes. A Glock, with real bullets, that she keeps in her nightstand.”
“Fuck,” Jae whispered, dropping his hands to his sides. He sagged back against the counter, his eyes staring off into nothing.
“I know. I know. I…She looks like she's been trained how to use it properly. I mean, she clearly knew how to use the weapon yesterday.”
Jae flicked his gaze to mine. “What do you mean?”
I chuckled half-heartedly with a shake of my head. “I went into her apartment with her yesterday, and someone knocked on the door. She told me to hide and grabbed her gun, before checking to see who was there.”
Jae blinked in disbelief. “Damn.”
“I can’t even fathom what kind of fear she lives with daily. Always worrying that someone is coming to kill you…I mean, how the hell does she live like that? It’s no wonder she wants to leave.”
Jae shook his head with a frown. “I don’t know. Does that-does that mean we should have a gun? Wait, is she leaving?”
“She says they’re not going to move her, so…for now, she’s staying.”
I hopped onto the island, leaning on my palms as I thought about it.
Legally, there was no reason why we couldn’t own and keep a gun in our house.
My dad owned several guns, but they were always locked away in his gun safe.
My mom was always worried that us kids would get ahold of his weapons, and the compromise was that we would be trained how to use them safely to reduce the risk of one of us getting hurt.
When we moved to Texas my uncle and dad started taking Eden, Jae and I to the gun range.
From the age of thirteen, we’d go to the range every few months, but it was never with the idea that I would ever actually have to use a gun outside of the range.
They instilled a healthy level of fear in Eden, Jae, and I about the lethality of firearms. I had never considered owning a personal firearm as an adult, because I never had a reason to. I didn’t hunt and until recently I was living in a dorm that prohibited keeping firearms.
But now…
“I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea.”
Jae drummed his fingers against the counter. “Have you asked her about WITSEC? Like, how much danger she’s actually in?”
“It sounds like as long as she isn’t exposed, and the people from her past don’t find her, she’s safe here. Which means, me and you, us knowing about her, is a big fucking risk for her to have taken. And I understand why she’s pissed about me wanting to remain in contact.”
“We can’t just leave her though,” Jae said, eyeing me as if he actually thought I might disagree.
“Not after everything, not when she’s clearly blaming herself still for things that were out of her control.
We’re the only people that actually know about her past, and we have an opportunity here to help her. ”
“Of course. And I’ve told her as much. She’s just…
” I sighed, dragging a hand over the top of my head.
“She’s stubborn and needs us to knock some sense into her.
Prove to her that whatever lies she believes are just that—lies.
It’s like she’s punishing herself and by staying away from us, she thinks she’s doing the ‘right’ thing.
But, I dunno about you, but I’m not going to walk away from this.
I understand the risks and I’m making the decision to stay.
You…you can still walk away from this though.
I wouldn’t fault you for it. This isn’t… it isn’t going to be easy.”
Jae shook his head with a sigh. “No. I’m not walking away either. I’m just worried about the toll this is taking on you.”
“It’s hard, more than hard, it’s shitty and fucked-up. But I love her. And I know that we have a chance at a future once she’s able to forgive herself. I don’t know what that will look like, with needing to keep her identity a secret, but…”
I trailed off, unable to finish that sentence. When the truth was, I couldn’t think much farther than the present, than keeping her alive, than loving her now and helping her to see the distant possibility of marriage, maybe even kids one day if the circumstance allowed and she wanted them too.
“You’re probably not going to want to hear this then.”
I cocked my head with interest. “Hear what?”
Jae winced, “My mom called last night.”
I raised a brow.
“They want to come out for the grand opening.”
“Oh.”
“Um, it gets worse. Your parents and Esty and Baba and Ded and Eden and Seb and the kids are coming too.”
I scrubbed my hand down my face with a groan. “Fuck’s sake.”
“I know. I’m sorry, brother.”
I shook my head, “No, man. This is good. This is great. You deserve to have our family come celebrate your opening.”
Jae reached for his coffee mug and took a sip. “What are you going to do about Shiloh, though?”
I blew out a breath. “Obviously, we can’t tell them anything. So, I’ll just have to warn her to keep to herself while they’re in town. I dunno if she’ll need to warn whoever helps her from Witness Protection, but I should tell her in case.”
Jae nodded, “Yeah. Probably a good idea.”
“Did your mom give you dates?”
“No, not yet.”
“Okay. Well, as long as we have a heads up of when they get into town, we shouldn’t run into any issues. Just, act normal.”
Jae rolled his eyes, “Yeah. Normal.”
◆◆◆
A knock at the door had me jogging down the stairs to answer. I could see Ford from the window and opened the door with a smile.
“My boy!” Ford hollered, pulling me into a short hug with a few slaps on the back.
I chuckled, returning the hug. “Hey, Ford.”
I stepped aside so he could come in and closed the door.
“Well, give me the grand tour. This place looks nice. I’m really jealous right now. This beats the dorms no questions asked.”
I shook my head and motioned for him to follow me upstairs.
“The downstairs is where my cousin lives. It’s got a den with a bedroom and full bathroom.”
“That’s right,” he nodded, climbing the stairs. “I always forget you don’t live alone. Oh, man, the photos you showed me do not do it justice. This is sick. And you got sky lights too! And a deck!”
I chuckled, watching Ford circle around the upstairs living space.
“How big is the yard?”
“It’s almost a quarter acre, but it’s completely overgrown and needs to be cleared.”
Ford hummed, spinning back to the kitchen. “And you guys did all this yourselves so far?”
“Uh, we had help to make sure things were structurally sound and make sure we weren’t going to take out any load bearing walls, but otherwise we’ve done it all.”
“Wow,” Ford said, wide-eyed. “I gotta hand it to you, man. This kind of work is no joke. You must’ve been working, like, every night of the week since you bought the place.”
I chuckled, nodding in agreement. Another part of Twelve Steps was finding a hobby to keep you distracted. And this had certainly kept me distracted for the last three months.
“Alright, then. You said we’re doing a bathroom?”
I gestured towards the guest bath in the hallway, and he stepped inside to look around.
“You’re not doing the shower, right?”