Chapter 24 #2
I startled out of the fantasy, staring at her like she was a mind reader.
“I-I dunno.”
Sarah pursed her lips.
“Are you wanting these flashbacks to stop?”
“Well, obviously. But…what the hell am I supposed to do to stop them?”
“Talk about your past.”
I blinked. “So, what, we just talk about stuff and then I’ll stop having flashbacks?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that.
The goal is that we want you to lose this fear, lose the emotion attached to these memories, these flashbacks.
Continuing to avoid the memories, it won’t make them go away.
It actually makes it worse. You’re training your body that it needs to continue to be afraid, when they’re only memories.
They might cause you emotional pain, but… they can’t physically hurt you.”
“I’ve told you before, I don’t want to talk about the past. It’s in the past for a reason.”
“Is it? Because it sounds like it’s very much in the present to me.”
I scowled and eyed the digital clock on the wall.
Sarah followed my line of sight and sighed.
“How about some homework? I want you to write down the times that you’ve felt ‘triggered’ in the last month.
Whether that’s memories, objects, sounds, smells…
Anything that makes you scared, makes your heart race, makes you sweaty.
Just write it down, describe how it made you feel. Can you do that?”
I rolled my eyes and released a deep breath. “Fine.”
Sarah smiled with contentment.
“Alright. Next Friday?”
“Sure.”
Fuck me. Why can’t the damn past stay buried?
July 17, Friday
Enoch
I stepped out of Jae’s car, my eyes bouncing around the parking lot until they landed on the entrance to the bowling alley. I didn’t know why I expected Shiloh to be standing outside waiting for us to arrive, but my stomach sank with disappointment when I didn’t immediately spot her.
Jae locked his car and followed me across the parking lot.
I was excited to see Shiloh, texting and FaceTime wasn’t enough to quell my desire to be with her at all hours of the day.
My mind was always thinking about her, wondering where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking about.
If she was still safe, still breathing, still alive.
And yes, I recognized that wasn’t exactly healthy, my level of obsession with her wellbeing, but I didn’t mind in the end.
Didn’t mind carrying the extra weight if it meant that I could remind her how much she was loved, how much she was cared for, adored, cherished.
But the thought of not being able to actually kiss and touch her in the ways I wanted to had me on edge.
I wasn’t about to act like a tool with too much PDA that I was sure would make Shiloh uncomfortable.
I didn’t want her to be embarrassed in front of her friends.
Friends that I was more than a little nervous to meet.
I knew they didn’t have a high opinion of me after the small interactions I had with them.
I wanted them to like me, because for some annoying reason their opinions of me mattered.
To me, not just Shiloh. I needed them to know that I was a good person, that I was good for Shiloh—fuck, Emory.
That was another thing, I really freaking hoped I didn’t screw up with her name or mention something I shouldn’t.
I was still reeling from the knowledge that Shiloh was no longer in the Witness Protection Program. That she was on her own when there were dangerous, lethal, people out there that would kill her without sparing a second to think about it.
I didn’t know how she could stand it. How she could stand the constant unknown, the constant what-ifs, the constant threat?
How did she have the nerve to leave her damn apartment? Let alone, come out to a crowded public location where anyone might accidentally post her on social media.
It was enough that I was seriously considering that gun.
Maybe it would help me sleep better at night if I knew that I could physically protect her in my home.
Only…the idea of having another weapon at her disposal to hurt herself with had prevented me from purchasing one.
The sound of pins knocking, vague arcade game noises, and pop music shook me from my thoughts as Jae opened the door, gesturing for me to go inside first. The inside was dim, colored strobe lights lighting up the lanes, and it was a sensory overload with the smell of fried food coming from the concession stand to the right.
I smiled at the sight of Shiloh sitting down on a bench near the entrance. I watched her for a moment, unnoticed by her or her friends. She was smiling freely, her attention on the woman speaking beside her. She looked happy, and it punched me right in the chest just how much I wanted that for her.
Jae nudged me along towards their group and Shiloh looked up at me, recognition lighting up her face when her eyes landed on mine.
“Hi.”
I licked my lips and smiled back. “Hi.”
Shiloh straightened, standing from the bench and spinning around to stand beside me and face her friends. My hand landed on the small of her back of its own accord, desperate to have some contact.
“Um, guys, this is En–sorry, Nox. My boyfriend.” My chest swelled with her possession of me, and I smiled, giving the group a nod in greeting.
“Nice to meet you.”
Jae cleared his throat beside me.
“Hi,” he said confidently. “I’m Jae. Nox’s brother. It’s nice to meet you all.”
I could see the confusion on their faces, the way they kept bouncing their eyes between our extremely different features.
They were likely trying to figure out if we were stepsiblings or if one of us was adopted.
Jae had used that introduction in the past with my coworkers, and they had almost always assumed that Jae, being the Asian one of the two of us, was adopted.
Definitely a racist stereotype, but a logical assumption.
“Bro, seriously. You’ve gotta stop telling people we’re siblings. It just confuses them,” I said with look in his direction.
“But we are,” he said under his breath, giving me the same intense stare back. I knew what he meant. Didn’t mean it wasn’t misleading and confusing to everyone else.
“We’re cousins you dip,” I said with an eye roll, glancing back to the group.
“We’re blood related and you’re my ride or die best friend. So…my brother.”
I shoved Jae playfully, turning back to the group. “Anyways, um, I’ve met Lottie and Cole,” I said, gesturing to the two of them.
“Right,” the second male in their friend group said. “I’m Mason, Lottie’s husband.”
“And I’m Hannah. Lottie’s sister.” Hannah looked to Jae with a smirk. “Her actual sister.”
Jae sucked his teeth, narrowing his eyes at Hannah. “Nice to meet you.”
“So,” Mason said with a smile, “should we get a lane and some shoes?”
We managed to snag a lane in the far corner, not too close to the large rowdy group of teenagers. After changing into our shoes and getting everyone a slot on the scoreboard there was an awkward silence as the first person, Lottie, went up to bowl.
Shiloh was sitting between Jae and I on one bench of seats and I couldn’t help but keep a hand on her thigh.
Lottie squealed with glee as her ball made a strike and spun around to face the group. Mason reached up, slapping her ass with a smile on his face. She blushed and swatted his shoulder, shoving him up from the bench.
“So…” Jae started, drawing everyone’s attention. “How did y’all meet?”
“Em applied for an open position when we were just starting our gym. And to be completely honest she actually wasn’t our first choice.” Lottie replied, taking the open seat that Mason left on the bench opposite us.
“What?” Shiloh asked with bewilderment. “You never told me that.”
“Sorry,” Lottie winced. “But…you didn’t exactly scream best fit for a front desk receptionist. You didn’t have any knowledge of rock climbing or any prior experience in customer service.
But you had the availability. Not many people were willing to take a job that paid little and made you clock in at 4:30 in the morning. ”
Mason walked back to stand by the ball-return. “So, we took a chance and the rest was history.”
“So, you guys became friends quickly?” I asked.
“God no,” Lottie laughed, eyeing Shiloh.
“It was like prying open a stubborn clam. It took months before she accepted an offer to hang out outside of work. I thought she was uncomfortable because I was technically her boss, but then I realized she was just shy and needed some coaxing to come out of her shell.”
“Has she always been like a stray cat?”
My brow furrowed at Cole’s question, and I glanced at Shiloh.
“Excuse the fuck out of you, you did not just call me a fucking stray cat!” She glared, but I could see the smile in her eyes.
“Do elaborate,” Jae said, crossing his arms over his chest with an amused smile.
“Well,” Cole started, keeping his eyes on Shiloh with a half-smile, “she’s quiet, reserved, draws you in with those sad little eyes of hers.
But if you get too close too fast, she’ll bite and scratch the shit out of you.
If you’re patient, though, and find out what she likes, she’ll let you see that she’s really just a scruffy little thing who needs a bath and some snuggles. ”
I bit back a smile at the creative analogy. It was quite accurate if I was being honest.
“A bath? Really? Dickweasel,” Shiloh muttered utter her breath, but I could see her fighting a laugh.
“See? See?” Cole pointed animatedly at Shiloh, looking between all of our faces. “You just proved my point. Your potty mouth could certainly use a bath.”
Jae laughed and nodded in agreement.
“To answer your question, yes. She’s always had claws. And I was definitely afraid of her when we first met. I think the first words out of her mouth were calling me a fucktrumpet…or maybe it was fuckwit?”
“Seriously?” Lottie asked with shock. “She cussed you out the first time you met her?”
Jae and I shared a look and shrugged.