Chapter 29 #2
“Never mind,” I rushed out, body going slack against the floor, wishing it would swallow me up.
Enoch’s eyes opened as his brows furrowed.
“Of course,” he muttered with a soft smile, pushing himself up.
“What do you mean, ‘of course’?”
He paused, staring at me. “I just mean, of course. You can change your mind. So, I stopped.”
“Wait…I thought you stopped because you didn’t want to keep going.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. He closed his eyes, his lips thinning to a tight line. “I wasn’t stopping stopping. I just…” His eyes flashed open and he sighed. “I was embarrassingly close to coming in my shorts.”
My eyes bugged before I could stop them.
He groaned, dropping to his elbows to bury his face in my neck. His hot breath tickled my skin.
“I know. I know. I can’t help it. You’re so,” he groaned again, his hips lowering back down to mine. “You’re so fucking sexy.”
My cheeks flushed and I bit into my bottom lip.
He thinks I’m sexy? Me?
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” I asked with a soft chuckle. “I get turned on just seeing you in your work uniform.”
He chuckled against me, kissing the pulse point on my neck.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yes,” I sighed with exasperation.
His mouth moved against my skin, trailing kisses up my neck, across my jaw, until his lips finally met mine and my eyes closed with contentment.
I didn’t want him to stop this time. I wanted his hands on my skin, wanted his kisses all over my body.
He leaned his weight onto one arm, his other reaching down to hook behind my knee. His hand skimmed my leggings, gently skating past the bandage on my thigh and I winced. Enoch immediately pulled back, to stare down at me. The silent question was written across his face, and I was quick to respond.
“I didn’t. I haven’t since Monday. I promise,” I rushed out.
His eyes narrowed, like he might be able to detect whether I was lying by staring into my soul.
His lips pursed as he debated whether I was telling him the truth.
“I’m…I want to believe you, but…you understand why I’m hesitant to do so, right?”
I swallowed, nodding slowly as the anger burned in my chest. He didn’t trust me. My cheeks felt hot and I shoved him off my legs so that I could stand.
“I know that we agreed that we weren’t going to do body checks, because you wanted privacy, but I’m worried that might have been a mistake. I don’t want to take away your rights to your body, and who you show it to, but…” Enoch’s jaw ticked, as he pulled himself to stand in front of me.
“But you want to see for yourself,” I finished for him.
We stared in silence for a tense minute before I closed my eyes and slowly dragged the waistband of my leggings down to reveal the bandage on my thigh. “It’s just sore. From the sparring,” I explained, opening my eyes and cringing at the redness behind the bandage.
Enoch dropped to his knees, gently pulling the bandage back. I watched his shoulders drop as he hopefully realized that there weren’t any new cuts there.
“Let me clean this up and get you a new bandage,” he said softly, standing.
“Front door open,” the alarm chirped from the hall.
The sudden interruption had my whole body tensing, eyes wide.
Enoch quickly pulled my leggings back up to my waist.
Jae opened the door behind Enoch, looking up with momentary surprise before smiling at me.
“Oh, hey.” His eyes bounced between me, Enoch’s back, and the room before landing back on me. “Sparring?”
I cleared my throat, my cheeks burning as I nodded. Jae was sweating, cheeks flushed, having just returned from his typical morning run.
“Alright, don’t mind me. Just gonna shower. You still coming to church, Nox?”
Enoch turned his head and gave Jae a head nod of acknowledgment before we both waited for the sound of his bedroom door to click shut.
Enoch’s hand held the back of my head as he leaned down to kiss me.
“I love you.”
My chest swelled with warmth and I nodded, kissing him back.
He leaned his forehead against mine and I wrapped my arms around his bare waist, loving the feel of his skin.
“I’m sorry for not trusting you,” he said softly, sounding guilty. “I’ve got to shower and get ready. You sure you don’t want to come?”
I sighed, reality sinking in. We’d come down here because I’d woken from a nightmare and was itching to hurt myself. Enoch heard me trying to leave the bedroom and suggested we come down to the small home gym they had set up and spar.
“No,” I said, releasing my hold on his body.
He cradled the side of my face studying me for a moment. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Enoch held my stare. “I’m good. I’m not gonna hurt myself.”
Enoch finally nodded and I released the breath I had been holding. “You’re doing so good. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Five days. You’re so strong.”
I resisted the urge to squirm beneath his heavy gaze because part of me was a little proud. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d gone five days with self-harming.
Enoch gave me a final kiss before stepping back and grabbing his shirt from the floor.
“Come up and I’ll get you a new Band-Aid before I shower…You’re welcome to join me,” he said with a wink before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
My stomach flipped and, for half a second, I contemplated doing just that, but I shook the idea from my head. As much as I wanted that level of intimacy, craved that kind of connection with Enoch, I wasn’t ready for that much pressure.
Pressure to stay present. Pressure to keep memories of him in the past and act like this was the first time I’d had a man’s hands on my body.
Like I hadn’t been worshipped and cared for, hadn’t had another man wash my hair or fuck me in the shower.
Like gentle touches and soft words didn’t make my skin crawl or make me want to throw up.
I released a deep breath.
Breakfast. A much-needed distraction from the feelings I was wishing to purge once again. I made my way upstairs, determined not to slip. These feelings would pass, and I would distract myself with making us breakfast until they did.
◆◆◆
When Enoch told me that he was taking me on a date, I wasn’t expecting him to request that I wear some proper outdoor clothing and shoes. It wasn’t until we were heading East towards the Chugach State Park that I realized we were likely going to go hiking.
My stomach hurt, reminded of how just a couple weeks ago I had been planning to take a one-way trip into these very mountains and never return.
The sound of his soft acoustic music filled the car as we drove, and I focused on watching the scenery pass.
My stomach flipped with nerves at the thought of being in nature, with the amount of moose and bear activity there was during the summer. Not to mention wolves and other wild animals that I knew roamed these mountains. The very activity that I had been counting on to find my decomposing body.
“Do you have bear spray?” I asked, eyeing Enoch as we pulled into a half-full parking lot.
Given the time of year and day of the week, it made sense that there would be a lot of other people interested in being outside.
I was just grateful that it wasn’t the same trail that I had planned on taking.
I was hoping that it would allow me to focus on this date and not on my previous suicide plan.
“Yep. Bug spray, the extra strength kind and the natural kind in case you’re iffy about that stuff, sunscreen too. Plus water and lots of snacks. A first aid kit, a pocketknife, and a flashlight.”
I nodded as we pulled into a parking spot. We climbed out, and I watched Enoch as he stood at the trunk of his car, pulling out the bug sprays and sunscreen.
“So, which one?” he asked, holding up the two different bug sprays.
“Definitely the extra powerful one. I hate bugs and they unfortunately love me.”
He chuckled and passed it over to me. I couldn’t keep my eyes from observing him as he applied some sunscreen to his face, then his arms and legs.
I was glad I’d chosen to wear some thick pants and not leggings.
With less skin exposed, maybe I’d end up with only a couple of mosquito bites by the end of this hike.
Enoch noticed my stare and winked. My cheeks heated and I busied myself with looking around the parking lot before he finally handed me the sunscreen.
I placed my hat on top of the car. Using my reflection in his car window, I applied the product to my face and then every other inch of exposed skin.
When I finished, we took turns spraying each other thoroughly with the bug spray. I stepped out of the cloud of chemicals with a cough, waving my hand in front of my face.
“I hope this stuff works,” I muttered as he closed the trunk and slung a backpack of his shoulders.
He picked up my hat from the roof of the car and placed it on my head, adjusting it until it was sat properly on my head.
“If you hate it, we can turn around anytime and do something else,” he offered, motioning for me to walk towards the trailhead.
I nodded and eyed the signs warning about being aware of wildlife. I shuddered and eyed Enoch. He didn’t seem perturbed, a soft smile on his face as we passed a huddle of hikers lingering near the entrance.
“Have you been on this trail before?” I asked.
“No. But my coworkers recommended it. Says it’s got beautiful views and it’s not difficult.”
I nodded, following Enoch further along the trail.
“Random question, but did you ever finish high school? Or get your GED?” he asked, keeping step beside me.
“Oh,” I paused, a little stunned by the question, “no. I didn’t.”
Enoch nodded and when the sound of our feet crunching against the ground got too loud I asked, “Did Jae ever force you to finish watching Black?”
Enoch chuckled, his laughing turning into a shake of his head. “No. We, um, kind of couldn’t watch K-dramas anymore. It was too hard.”
I swallowed, sadness washing over me. “Right, makes sense. I guess that’s probably a good thing for Jae. I mean, he was concerningly obsessed with fictional tv characters.”