Chapter 37 #2
I shook my head, “No, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel ‘ready’.
Sebastian forced my hand when he overhead me talking to Shiloh on the deck.
The fucker was spying on me, ‘out of love’, he says.
I was admittedly already planning to come clean tonight, but he heard me talking to Shiloh about my sobriety and I can’t find an excuse to get out of going through with it now. ”
Jae’s hand met the back of my neck as he pulled me in close.
“You got this. Even if someone seems upset with you, they don’t mean it. Everyone will come around and just be happy for you.”
I swallowed, nerves knotting in my stomach. “Okay.”
I followed him inside, each step up the stairs building a weight on my chest. Everyone’s eyes landed on me and the pressure of their stares had me stalling just a moment longer to get some cold water from the fridge. With a glass in hand, I finally let my gaze fall on my family.
Baba, Ded and both Jae’s and my parents took up the whole couch. Sebastian was sitting on the floor with Eden leaning against his chest. Esther was sitting cross-legged beside them. Jae had pulled up two of the island stools and motioned for me to take a seat.
I cleared my throat. If I wasn’t sweaty from sparring, I was certainly sweating now.
The silence in the air was oppressive.
“So,” I started, my finger running up and down the side of the glass. I focused on the cold feeling against my skin instead of the rapid beating of my heart. “Jae lied yesterday. He doesn’t care about there being alcohol in the house for religious reasons.”
“What?” Uncle Q asked, looking absolutely perplexed.
Everyone but Sebastian shared confused looks.
I took another deep breath, forcing the words out before anyone else could interrupt with more questions.
“Jae lied for me. I’m the reason that we don’t keep alcohol in the house. I’m just shy of one year sober.”
Several voices overlapped as questions and comments flew out of their mouths faster than I was ready to process.
My legged bounced and I quickly realized that was a bad idea when the water sloshed over the rim of my cup and landed on my athletic shorts.
Jae grabbed my glass from my hands and placed it on the counter behind us before I accidentally dropped it.
Ded shushed everyone with a stern glare and the room fell silent. He nodded in my parents’ direction, and I flicked my eyes between my mom’s teary face and my dad’s composed blank one.
“How,” my mom’s voiced cracked and she paused to clear her throat. “Sober? A year? How long, baby?”
I forced the emotion back that was threatening to make my face match my mother’s. “How long what?”
“How long were ya sufferin’ in silence?” she asked with so much sadness in her voice something inside my chest broke a little.
My mouth opened but no sound came out, and she leapt up off the couch and pulled me straight into her chest, my seated position breaking the barrier of our height difference and allowing her to cradle my head.
“My baby,” she whispered as she ran a hand over the back of my head. “How long?”
I swallowed several times before I answered, “Three years.”
She let out a pained puff of air against my hair and squeezed me tighter. My arm wound around her back and I breathed in her familiar scent.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for lying to you and pushing you away and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you the truth.”
My mom shushed me, her body gently swaying.
“I. Love. You. Enoch Michael. No matter whatcha hide from me, no matter how ya hurt me, I’ll always love ya.
You’re my baby. I grew ya in my belly and pushed all nine and a quarter pounds of ya out of me.
You’re a part of me and I will never, ever stop lovin’ ya.
No matter what. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for ya.
That I didn’t know my baby was hurtin’ so bad. ”
“No,” I pleaded. “Please. Don’t apologize, Mom. It was my decision to not come to you for help.”
“But if I did somethin’ to make ya feel like ya couldn’t come to me—”
“Never. It was my shame. I didn’t want to disappoint you. The longer I hid it, the harder it became to tell someone, and the easier it became to lie.”
My eyes had closed, and I startled when I felt another pair of arms wrap around my body.
It was my dad.
“I’m still sorry too. I’m your dad. I should have known something was wrong, I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard when you were grieving, I—” My dad took a breath, squeezing my shoulder. “What matters now is that we’re here. There’s no more secrets between us. Alright?”
Guilt stung like a knife in my stomach as I nodded in agreement, “Right.”
It was only moments before there was a whole crowd surrounding our hug, everyone holding onto each other.
And I was at the center still burning up from shame, reeling from how quick to forgive and accept me they were.
As I sucked in a deep breath, I realized with relief that the weight sitting on my chest had just gotten significantly lighter.
Fuck.
I should have done this sooner.
Fuck.
I missed my family.
Everyone’s voices overlapped once again in a chorus of I love yous and I let myself cry in my mother’s arms for the first time in four years.
I let myself absorb the love my family had to give, accept the forgiveness they offered me, and cherish the moment that I’d hang on to in the coming years as I navigated what my future with Shiloh and my family looked like.
Because after this, I knew it was going to be near impossible to keep them away. And I didn’t want to. I only wished Shiloh were here because my family didn’t feel complete without her. Shiloh had permanently altered my DNA, rewired my heart to only beat properly whenever she was near.
This was the family that she deserved. This was the support network she should have had. A room of ten people who forgave fast and loved relentlessly.
I wished like hell that she could have this one day too.