Chapter 16 #2
I scooted closer, and wrapped my arm around her waist, gently pushing her hips to roll her to face the other direction.
Shiloh was stiff, maybe unsure of what I was doing.
I slid my arm beneath her pillow, resting my head behind hers and tugged her waist until her back touched my chest. She shuddered underneath the weight of my arm, and I let out a sigh, breathing in the familiar scent of my soap in her hair.
I let out a soft chuckle into her hair, wrinkling my nose as it tickled me. She must just like manly scents because my sister has girly stuff in the shower that she could have used, but she used mine.
She took several deep breaths, her body melting against mine with each one, her trembling limbs becoming still. I tried to relax my body too. This was a first for me, and I hoped she couldn’t feel my heart pounding against my chest rapidly.
I’d never felt so warm and fuzzy in my entire life. So at home. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, that someone I’d known for such a short time could have this effect on me.
Shiloh, what the hell are you doing to me?
???
October 16, Saturday
Shiloh
I groaned, stretching out my legs, pushing the heavy as shit blanket off my body. A yelp escaped me, and I ripped my eyes open as my hand wrapped around a warm arm. Nox gasped, sitting up, his arm lingering on my hip as he looked down at me frantically.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice deep and thick with sleep. “You gonna be sick?”
“Fine,” I muttered, looking around the unfamiliar room as I began to relax my body back into the mattress. Nox dropped back to his pillow with a sigh.
“Good morning,” he mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and brushing his messy chestnut waves out of his face.
Nox tucked his hand back under my hip as he held onto me, and I stared up at the ceiling replaying the events of last night in my mind. My stomach twisted with disgust and hatred.
The drugs made it difficult to remember every single detail unlike the night Peter and Kush raped me, but that made it worse.
All I could remember was the intense pleasure I felt while skin rubbed against mine.
How I willingly took more drugs just to feel it all over again when the high started to wear off.
The only way I knew it must’ve been rough was from the burning I felt inside and how fucking sore my entire body felt.
I didn’t really want to know if I was bleeding because of what they did to me or because I was having the longest period of my life.
I was just thankful that there was period supplies underneath the bathroom sink when I showered last night.
“Can I ask you something?”
I blinked up at the ceiling, clearing my mind before turning my head to meet Nox’s gaze. “Sure. But I can’t guarantee an answer you’ll like.”
I was expecting him to ask me about last night, possibly if I had gotten high, the symptoms glaringly obvious.
“What’s your tattoo?” He asked with a soft smile, his brown eyes flicking to my arm that was resting on my stomach next to his.
I pulled the sleeve of his shirt up just past my elbow and twisted my arm for him to see.
Nox’s fingers brushed over the black ink making my stomach flutter.
“That’s a bit on the nose,” he chuckled, his chest shaking against my side.
I rolled my eyes, a smile curling my lips upwards involuntarily.
“I got a matching tattoo with my brother.”
I ran my eyes across the cursive lettering that spelled ‘pain’ as I savored the memory from nearly two years ago.
“My brother was really into mental strength and discipline. His favorite quote said, ‘pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice.’ And he—” My stomach dropped, reluctantly realizing for the first time that everything Carlos had told me about my brother might have been true.
My God, why hadn’t I seen it sooner? Was he a sadist? A psychopath?
“He what?” Nox prompted.
“Um, he tried to live by that. He taught me, well as best as he could, he…” Fuck, pull yourself together, Shiloh.
“He taught me to endure the pain that life brings, to withstand it. It’s all a mind game.
Pain, I mean. If you tell yourself you can’t handle it, then you won’t.
But if you remind yourself that it’s temporary and fight through it, you’ll come out on the other side stronger than before. ”
“Wow,” Nox sighed. “That’s deep. You and your brother, you must’ve been close to get matching tattoos.”
I shrugged, trying to swallow the ache in my throat wanting to be released into a sob. Were we though?
“Where’s he now?”
My brows furrowed as I searched his face in confusion.
“You talk about him in past tense. Like you guys aren’t close anymore,” Nox added.
My chest tightened. I hadn’t even realized. Yet my mind had already decided there was a before he was dead and an after he was dead, and that felt so…final. There was no more denying or avoiding the moment it happened. And now I was living in the after on the timeline of his existence.
Nox continued to stare at me with patience, and I didn’t know what to say. If anyone actually bothered to look, they could probably find his death certificate somewhere. So, do I tell him he’s dead?
I figured it would cause the least problems if I just told him now rather than having to continue to lie.
I tried to swallow the metal taste in my mouth as I spoke the half-truth, the one I’m sure Carlos made easy for the police to make official.
Because that’s what he did, turned people into real ghosts once they turned on him.
If only I had realized sooner what was at stake, maybe he’d still be alive.
“He’s dead. Suicide.”
Nox sucked in a breath in surprise, his grip on my waist tightening and his eyes widened.
“Fuck. Oh my God. Why—wait, didn’t you tell Sebastian that he was living with you still? Did he just die?” His face fell and he breathed out harshly, “Oh, fuck. I’m such a dick. Please, don’t answer any of those questions. I don’t have a filter sometimes.”
His brown eyes pleaded with me sincerely and I found myself chuckling at his flustered speech.
“It’s fine. You’re right, I did tell Seb that he was still alive.
I just…” I let out a sigh, glancing around the room for a distraction from the uncomfortable sourness in my stomach.
Why did it feel so wrong to lie to him? “I just wasn’t ready to tell him.
Javier, my brother, he-he died two weeks ago. ”
Nox’s gaze never left mine and he nodded slowly, his tongue swiping across his lips.
“Shit, Shiloh. That’s like, right when we met,” I could feel the pity dripping from his mouth. “I’m so fucking sorry. I know that doesn’t mean much, but I really am. I honestly can’t fathom the pain of losing a sibling. I want to help. Tell me what you need?”
I let out a long sigh, letting my eyes flutter close for a moment as I thought.
I could write a book with all the things I needed.
I chuckled to myself, thinking back to how I asked Nox to hold me last night.
I could lie and say it was just an effect of the come down from all the drugs, but that wasn’t believable.
I had never been much of an affectionate person with anyone before, but since Javi’s death I couldn’t seem to get enough.
And the affection that Nox, and even Jae, offered to me so frequently didn’t make me uncomfortable or feel forced.
“Honestly,” I opened my eyes to look at Nox, “this is exactly what I’ve needed. Last night…I’ve never done that before. I don’t usually…cuddle, but it was…” I sighed breathlessly, “It was just what I needed. So…thanks.”
I bit my lip, my stomach fluttering with nerves and embarrassment.
Nox smiled softly and shook my hip, “Come here,”
I turned onto my side to face Nox and allowed his arms to envelop my body. We both let out a sigh, and I smiled against his chest.
“When we’re together…” I mumbled against his shirt. The mix of his smell and the lavender scent from his laundry soap were fogging up all my senses, “it’s like a mini vacation from the rest of my life.”
Can someone smell green? Am I still high? I sound like I’m high. He just smells green. Like after it rains and the earth is damp…
Nox chuckled, his body shaking my own as he laughed, and he ran his hand through my hair. Well, attempted to. His hand got stuck in a knot from sleeping with it wet.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to yank your hair out,” he chuckled. “I was going to say, I’m happy to be your mini vacation anytime. You need me to rub some sunscreen on your back, just ask.”
I scoffed, reluctantly pulling away to get some oxygen, and punched him.
“Jeez, I’m just concerned about your skin health,” he joked as he rubbed his arm. “Well, I’ve got aloe under the sink in the bathroom if you get sunburned. I know that’s like a real concern for you gingers.”
I rolled my eyes and chuckled, stopping when I realized that Nox was staring at me.
“What?” I was beginning to think maybe I had drool stained on my face or something.
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
Nox peeled back the covers and rolled over, grabbing his phone from his nightstand.
“We should probably join the land of the living. It’s almost eleven.”
I reluctantly agreed and slowly sat up, my body aching. Jesus, fuck, that burns. If I have a fucking STD I’m going to kill Carlos. I awkwardly stood, trying to ignore the pain as I walked out of Nox’s room.
Goddamn, were their dicks wrapped in sandpaper?!
“Oi!” Nox called out from behind me, causing me to jump and spin around to face him. “Where you think you’re going?”
“Um, downstairs?” I asked with a raised brow in confusion.
“Uh-uh,” he reprimanded, looking up at me through his thick lashes as he shook his head. “Get your ass in here and get rid of your zombie vomit breath, grosser.”
I chuckled, rolling my eyes. “Whatever…grosser. What are you, twelve? Is that even a word?”