Chapter 25 #3
‘Because you had no one else,’ Joe said, ‘especially after I went to university. When I began to sort through my own issues, I realised I should never have left you with her. By then, it was too late. The best I could do was stay close to you in any way that was possible – refuse to let you go from my life.’
Jude took a large sip from his pint glass, then said: ‘Honestly, Joe, you’re taking on too much here. It’s not like she was . . .’ He forced himself to say the word. ‘Abusive.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Joe asked gently. ‘The level of control she wanted to exert over both of us went way beyond the bounds of what might be considered healthy. I suspect she was the same with Dad – that he effectively ran away, like I did. Rather cowardly of him to leave us behind, you might think. But I’ve sometimes wondered how far she’d have gone to keep us.
What she might have accused him of, or fabricated, if he’d pushed for a divorce and tried to take custody. ’
‘Fuck. Seriously? How could you never mention any of this, Joe?’
‘I was waiting for the right time. And the problem with that is, the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to find. Too late, I realised the risk had become too huge for me to speak out. If I’d tried to step in and stop you from going to Cambridge, for instance, how might that have gone?
I’d have been right – I could tell it wasn’t what you wanted.
But would you have welcomed the intervention, or would Mum have convinced you I was just jealous of your success? Driven a wedge between us?’
‘Fuck,’ Jude said again. That was precisely the tack Lillian would have taken, and he couldn’t be sure he’d have seen through it.
‘Fuck, indeed,’ Joe said. ‘In the end, I reasoned I couldn’t interfere until you started to ask questions by yourself, show signs you were seeing things differently.
I could back you up, but not lead you to conclusions you weren’t ready to draw on your own.
Ironically, I think trying to put you out of Hannah’s way came back to bite Mum in the end.
When you got back from Oz, you’d achieved some distance. ’
Jude nodded. He’d felt it almost immediately after he returned; the heavy wrongness of worrying about Lillian’s reactions to everything he said and did. Then there’d been the drip-feed of revelations that came through interacting with Hannah again. Hannah . . .
‘Mum made me do the interview with Larry in Sydney four years ago,’ Jude said, putting his head in his hands. ‘Convinced me not to book a return flight, even though Hannah and I had agreed on it. She understood the impact that would have better than I did.’
‘Yes.’ Joe said nothing else, but Jude felt almost as if he could hear his brother’s thoughts.
‘I should have known, though, shouldn’t I? I should have realised the effect it would have, not committing to coming home with her.’
‘Yes,’ Joe repeated. ‘But maybe Hannah should have made it easier for you to see.’
‘We made such a mess of things,’ Jude said. ‘And now . . .’
‘Now you have to sort them out – be honest with each other about how messed up you both are. I believe you can. It seems pretty clear you want to.’
Jude nodded. Drank some more beer.
‘What now?’ he asked after a short spell of quiet. ‘I can’t keep living there, I don’t think.’
‘Probably not,’ Joe said. ‘Knowing Mum, she might well have packed your bags already. But there’s a plush spare room with an en suite in the Northern Quarter that’s got your name on it. Has done since the day I bought the flat.’
‘Is she . . .’ Jude sighed. Swallowed hard. ‘Will she be OK? Mum, I mean.’
‘I don’t know. If you’re asking me whether she’s well, the answer is probably no. I suspect there’s some personality disorder there, perhaps – it’s undeniable that she has strong narcissistic tendencies. But it’s hardly appropriate for me to try and diagnose her. It’s not like I can be objective.’
‘Should we try and help her?’ Jude asked. ‘Encourage her to . . . I don’t know . . . talk to someone?’
‘I’ve tried,’ Joe said, ‘but that doesn’t mean you can’t, too. It’s one of the first rules of therapy, though, that someone needs to want help. They have to want to get better. Be better. Not everyone does, and sometimes you have to accept that.’
‘I’m sorry too, by the way,’ Jude said after a short silence. ‘Me spending most of our childhood trying to be Mr Perfect . . . I took up all the space you left when you went away. I gave you no room to come back.’
‘I never wanted to come back,’ Joe said. ‘You know me. I’m all about moving forward.’
‘I’ll drink to that,’ Jude said wearily, raising his glass to see off the inch or so of ale that was left in it. Joe did the same.
‘To moving forward,’ they said, setting their glasses back down.
‘Which is much, much easier when you understand the past,’ Joe added meaningfully. It was clear he was referencing Hannah, and to his own surprise Jude managed a grin.
His brother was right, of course. But he couldn’t help marvelling that – even at a time like this – Joe was unable to resist claiming the last word.