Chapter 24
JAX
Currently playing: Drive by Incubus
The most challenging part about having your entire life turned upside down is that you have to act like you aren’t hurting and continue your everyday life. In my case, it means trying to get shit done, even if I would rather stay under the blankets in bed watching history videos.
The joys of adulthood.
After learning that Reid Walters really is my biological father, and for once in her life, my mother didn’t lie, we agreed to meet. Soph’s da isn’t feeling well, so it’s just going to be me and Reid meeting alone for the first time.
But as I walk toward the nearest subway station to get to his place, I don’t know if going alone is the best choice. Fuck. Why am I freaking out? It’s my father, for fuck’s sake.
It’s like Ollie hears my thoughts and my phone rings, his name flashes on the screen.
“Miss me?” I ask as I lift the phone to my ear.
“I always do when you aren’t around.”
I snort and then laugh. “Aw shucks, you’re making me cry!”
“In all seriousness, I wanted to see how you’re doing. I know it’s a big day for you as you meet your family—” Ollie keeps talking, but I focus on how he called him my family.
“Baby steps, Ollie. It still feels weird to call him my family. I don’t even know if he’ll like me.” I admit and hear Ollie murmuring, but I can’t hear what he says. “Could you please repeat that?”
“You should stop thinking if and start thinking when. It’s about time you see how amazing you are, J. I mean, you can sometimes be the biggest dickhead out there, but there’s a reason why we love you, brother.”
I blink away the sudden tears that fill my eyes. “Ollie, stop it. Don’t make me cry right now. I need to focus on seeing him.”
“You could just say I love you too.”
“Yeah, yeah, I do. I just wasn’t ready for some afternoon love from you.”
Ollie cackles. “I can call you back in the evening if that’s what you’re after.”
Fuck. He knows me well. I know I can’t just bullshit my way through this phone call. “Don’t get me wrong, your words and support mean a lot, but I have spent the last hour, fuck, last days, wondering if I’m good enough to have a real family like the one I’m meeting today.”
“But you already have a real family.”
“You know what I mean. I just wonder—never mind, just forget it.” I trail off as I grip the phone harder, turning my tattooed knuckles whiter than they already are.
“J, finish that sentence before I have to drive there to get it out of you myself.”
“I was thinking—” I lower my voice. “—why would they ever love me?”
“They will because that’s what many families do. Not all, but you know what I mean. They’ll love you unconditionally,” Ollie tells me.
I try to wrap my head around what he’s saying. Ollie doesn’t know that I’m not only talking about my father and his family. I mean Soph as well.
Am I good enough for her?
Will she love me too when the time is right for us?
Or should I just let her go before it gets too complicated?
But what if I don’t want to let her go?
Getting off at Washington Square, I walk towards the address my father gave me.
Even my favorite playlist isn't lifting my mood. With every single step, I think what if this is a mistake. But the phone call with Ollie reminded me that this guy I’m meeting is part of my family. I need to try to remember that.
It's almost like he can sense me, because as I reach the house, the door opens. My gaze lands on Reid, my father, who is an older, cleaner version of me. He’s wearing a navy blazer with a black turtleneck and dress pants, and his hair is cut short in a neat haircut.
What catches me off guard are the glasses perched on his nose—he wasn’t wearing them in the photos he sent.
But there’s no denying that we are related.
Those eyes, his facial features like his nose, and even his body build match mine.
I walk up the stairs, my entire body shaking, and he offers me his hand nervously. “Welcome to our home, Jax.”
We have talked a bit, so he knows I prefer Jax over Jackson. “Thanks, Reid. You’ve such a lovely home.”
“Thank you. Odessa and the girls are visiting my in-laws outside the city so that we can talk privately. But they're eagerly waiting to meet you. The girls especially, they've always wished for a brother.”
I have to take a moment to gather myself after he calls me their brother. I have never had sisters, but today is as good as any day to learn what it’s like to be an older brother to three girls who love Disney princesses, books, and glitter. Three things that I’m not that familiar with.
“I'm sure they weren't asking for a big brother who's way older than them, but I would like to get to know them one day,” I admit sheepishly.
Reid looks pleased and signals me to follow him. The house is what I always imagined a perfect family home to be. The hallway is filled with family photos, lots of space, warm colors, and inviting decorations. It’s a picture-perfect home if there ever was one.
Even though I should be over the moon about meeting my father, I feel sadness and bitterness creeping in.
I’m also angry at my mother, who denied me this for years with her lies and actions.
But today isn't the right time for those thoughts.
I put on my fake smile and keep following my father for the first time in my life.
“So, would you like to see some photos?” Reid asks and sits down on a couch in their spacious living room. He crosses his legs and runs a hand through his hair like I often do when I’m nervous. It’s odd to spot similarities between us.
“Sure, why not,” I say politely and sit beside him, leaving space between us. It feels different, yet comfortable to be next to him.
“You know, now that you’re a part of the Walters family, it isn’t only me who you’ll meet.
Like I told you earlier, you’ve got wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins, and other family members from my side.
They live all around the country; two of my cousins still live in Omaha.
” He hands me his phone, and I take it with shaking hands.
“If you swipe right, you’ll see photos from my dad’s, your grandfather’s, 70th birthday party this summer. ”
The first photo shows an older couple smiling. I recognize our eyes on the gray-haired woman, and the man beside her shares our body build. I realize I’m looking at my paternal grandparents, and my throat suddenly feels like closing.
“Those are my parents, your grandparents. I told them about you the day I got the test results back, and they can’t wait to meet you.”
“Really?” I ask in a quiet voice. It’s wild that I have an entire family that wants to get to know me.
“Yeah. I’m the oldest of four siblings, and your two aunts in their thirties don’t have children. My brother, your uncle, has two young girls, so you’re the oldest grandchild and the only boy so far. That makes you extra special.”
“I thought simply meeting me after all these years would make me special.”
He laughs for the first time since I arrived, and the deep notes of the emotion sound genuine. “That too, but I didn’t want to state the obvious.”
We spent the next two hours going through every photo from the party. I ask questions about the relatives, learn their basic information, and hear more stories. Based on everything so far, Reid isn’t anything like my stepfathers. And it makes me feel fucking great.
We move to the kitchen as Reid prepares us dinner. Unlike me, he actually enjoys cooking and finds it relaxing.
I turn to the fridge and take out one of those fancy water filter jugs. As I reach for a glass in the cabinet next to the fridge, he asks the question I have been waiting for.
“What happened with Trisha?”
I chuckle, but it lacks any humor. “Where should I even begin? I mean, if you couldn’t tell, I’m not a huge fan of hers.
She was never the caring maternal type you assume when talking about a mother.
She’s the opposite of Odessa and other dedicated mothers.
She was never around, always looking for her next husband while leaving me alone. ”
I hear something hitting the table behind me.
I’ve a feeling it was his fist. I knew that what I just said was going to upset him, but I had to be honest for him to understand me.
I also can’t look at him, not yet. “Well, I would have been alone if not for my uncle and cousins. They helped me until I was placed in the foster system at age fourteen and had to move away from everyone I knew in Omaha. But thanks to my uncle, cousins, and two best friends, I still know what having a family means.”
I turn to face him and look into eyes similar to mine. I see all the negative emotions I’m feeling inside too. All the disappointment, pain, and feeling of being left out. The feeling of missing a part of your soul. But I know I had to get those words out.
“I’m still shocked that she did this—keeping you away from me all these years was cruel.
I’m sorry if my actions back then caused all this.
I had no idea about her being pregnant because if I did, I would have been there for you—” His voice cracks as he says the last word.
The tears filling his eyes just moments earlier flow down his cheeks.
It breaks my heart to know that I could have had my father in my life all this time if it wasn’t for my selfish mother. “It isn’t your fault, even if I might have thought differently before meeting you,” I reassure him.
He looks down at his hands, avoiding my gaze. “You must have hated me.”
“Honestly, I thought you were dead for years, so I guess I was disappointed to be one of those kids who never met their father and the other side of the family.”
“I can’t even imagine what that must have been like,” he admits.
“I never even wanted to leave Omaha. It was home, even if Trisha disagreed. At least I had my Uncle Joey and my cousins there growing up.”
“Why were you placed in foster care if you had them in your life?”
That’s a great question, old man.
“Trisha did everything to keep them away from me after the incident…She was married to a recovering alcoholic—his name was Arnold. He was okay to be around until he relapsed one night. He started spitting his hate directed at me as soon as he returned from the bar with his friends. I was so fucking scared. I was fourteen at the time and just a punk kid who loved art.”
I take a deep breath and hope Reid won’t look at me differently after I finish my story.
“You know, the clearest image from the night that changed things for me isn’t those words he screamed in his slurred voice.
It isn’t the moment when he cornered me in the kitchen, haphazardly holding a baseball bat.
No, it’s the moment when I held the kitchen knife and knew that I had to use it to protect myself.
I remember looking around just a moment before, and it was the first thing I saw that could protect me. ”
My father covers my hand with his. My first instinct is to pull away, as I feel ashamed about my backstory, but I stay exactly where I am to be connected with him in a simple way.
I also realize Reid’s touch comforts and fills me with warmth instead of any negativity.
After all, this guy is my father who wants to get to know me.
Half of who I am is from him. My eyes. My hair color.
My tall, yet lanky frame. Even our fingers are similar in shape as I compare us.
Reid clears his throat as he notices me looking down at our hands. “You don’t have to continue if it’s too hard for you, son.”
My eyes start watering with that one word. Only one person has ever called me that with the same caring tone before, and he’s no longer here. Uncle Joey would have been beyond excited to hear that I have found Reid. I just know it.
“You just called me son,” I mumble, my throat contracting with emotion.
“I did. Does that bother you?”
He looks hopeful, his eyes sparkling, as he waits for my answer. I swallow the lump in my throat. “No, it just surprised me.”
“Good. I wanted to test it out earlier, but it didn’t seem right. After hearing that, I wanted to show you that you aren’t alone.”
I have an overwhelming urge to hug him, my father. So I do. While still in the embrace, I tell him about what happened next. “I know it was self-defense. If I had stabbed that knife in the other direction, I would have hit a vital organ and killed him. I would have been a killer.”
He wraps his arms tighter around me, “But you didn’t kill him. You only protected yourself. And now you get to move on. It all happened in the past. I know it’s hard but let me help you. Let me be there for you. Let us be there for you. After all, we’re family.”
It’s hard to believe his words after my past, but I do at that moment in their kitchen. Even if for only a moment. Because it feels right.
“Thanks, Reid. I don’t know how long it will take before I call you my dad, but know that I appreciate you opening your home and introducing your family to me.”
“You mean your family?”
“I need time to get there, okay?” I tell him with a sad smile.
“Sure. But know that we will be here no matter what. I want to know how you’re doing and what’s up with your life.”
My smile turns more hopeful. “I like that.”
“Now that we got that out of the way, I could teach you our family lasagne recipe. It was originally discovered by your great-great grandma who loved spending time in Italy during the summers. You see, they lived in Switzerland, close to the border. The story goes…”