10. Rowan
ROWAN
I woke to nothing more than cold sheets beside me. I spent a little while wondering when he left. If he stayed at all. I don’t know. All I know is that his absence when I awoke made me more depressed than I care to admit.
It’s also made me slightly ridiculous.
“Why are you smiling like that?” Larry grumps from his place on the couch. Nugget is sprawled over his lap, merrily snoozing. “You haven’t stopped. Are you dying?”
“No, I’m not dying. I’m happy. Very happy.”
Larry glowers at me from his place on the couch. “Unfortunate.”
I mix the dressing into the salad I made him. He’s not going to eat it, but I’m going to attempt to force it down his gullet. He needs some greens before he turns into a hamburger.
“Me dying won’t get you out of eating this salad. Like I’ve said before, you need more vegetables in your diet.”
“Fuck vegetables.”
“Only zucchini, or you may end up in the hospital.”
He grumbles, and I keep my smile on my face. If I keep doing this, I won’t think about how upset I am. Not just about Samson continuing to disappear on me, but also about…the other thing. Coming up in two days.
I’m going to keep it together. I am.
Fake it until you make it. It’s how I’ve survived the last year. And I’m determined to make it this time, too. Even if my cheeks ache and my teeth hurt.
That’s better than facing reality.
“Here you go,” I say, handing Larry a bowl of salad before taking my own and plopping down next to him. He stares down into the bowl, willing it to burst into flames before he has a chance to eat it.
Sadly, he lacks that power.
“Go on, try it. It has candied walnuts in it. You’ll love it!”
He mutters under his breath, “If you stop fucking smiling, I’ll take a bite.”
That makes my lips turn down slightly before I wrench them back up. “No can do! I am a happy person. You can’t dull my light, Larry. Eat your fucking salad!”
He stares at me long and hard, and the intense scrutiny makes my forced happy mood wobble slightly. But I turn my gaze down to my salad and force some into my mouth. It tastes good, of course it does, but it’s hard to swallow.
Just like the anniversary of Adam’s death.
It’s fucking hard to exist like this. But I have to push through.
Even if it was all my fault.
“How can you chew with a smile on your face?”
“It’s a talent,” I reply and wink at Larry.
He hits me in the knee with his cane. It smarts, but it wasn’t that hard, and I ignore him, forcing the entire bowl down. Larry hasn’t touched his. Even Nugget hasn’t bothered to wake and sniff at it. He’ll eat a literal book, but never a vegetable.
Larry will eat it when I’m gone. I’m sure of it.
“When you finish your salad, you can have a cookie. I made them just for you.”
His eye twitches. “I’ll eat my cookie when I goddamn want.”
That makes a genuine laugh appear from my throat, and it sits oddly on my tongue. It comes out as more of a squeak, and Larry points at the door with his cane.
“Get out. When you’re in a proper mood you can come back.”
“I thought you never wanted me to visit,” I retort. “And now you want me to come back?”
I stand up anyway and move to the kitchen, where I wash out my bowl and place a lid on the leftover salad. For some reason, my eyes sting, almost like I’m about to cry. But Larry’s words have never hurt me before.
I must be breaking.
Nope! No can do!
I force that smile back on my face and swipe at my eyes, turning to see Larry craning his neck over the couch and frowning.
“Why are you crying?” he demands.
“Aw, do you care?”
He huffs and turns around. “No. Don’t give a crap.”
He sets his salad bowl on the end table and turns the TV up, signaling that it’s my time to go.
Normally, I’d stay, forcing my company on him.
But tonight I think it’s time to go back to my place.
My body is sore from dancing for too long, from pushing myself past my limits.
And my face hurts even more from trying to keep it together.
I don’t need to sit here and cry in front of Larry.
He wouldn’t approve.
He’d probably murder me with his cane.
So I whistle to Nugget and let myself out with a jovial wave. He waddles close to me as we go next door. I don’t know why Samson not waiting outside for me in the dark sours my mood, but it does. As soon as I’m inside the apartment, I let my smile fade. It’s my bitter reality.
I swipe at my eyes as I look at the kitchen. I didn’t have time to clean it after baking, but I’m not in the mood. I’ll do it later.
If I feel up to it.
Right now, I need tea and a hot bath. I’d usually opt for wine, but I don’t need to feel more depressed than I already do. I have two more days to get through. Two more before…
I don’t let myself think about it, just turn on the kettle and run my bath. When I’m tucked beneath the warm water and fragrant bubbles, my lips pressed against the mug, a soft melody pulsing through my phone, I let my eyes close.
A single tear falls down my cheek. I swipe it away.
“What’s wrong?” a voice says, and my eyes shoot open.
“Jesus Christ,” I shriek, water sloshing over the edge. “You scared the life out of me. What the hell are you doing here?”
Nugget didn’t even bark when he entered. Probably decided Samson is his now.
Traitor.
Samson ignores my question, looming over me, his arms folded across his chest. “Why are you crying?”
I stare up at him and my lips wobble. But there is no time for that.
I force that smile back onto my face, wider than it should be.
Samson stares at it, and his eyes narrow. “What the fuck is that?”
I turn my gaze away, letting that smile fade slightly. “You sound like Larry.”
“What’s wrong, Rowan?” My name on his mouth…it makes something inside of me stir.
“Nothing. I promise. Just a long day.”
More like a long year, but I don’t say that, just take a long sip of my scalding tea and swallow.
“You’re lying.”
That makes me roll my eyes even as my chest constricts. “You don’t know that. You barely know me at all.”
“I know more than you think.”
Our gazes clash, and my traitorous eyes start to well up. A sniffle escapes my nose, and I find myself turning away from him again.
It’s then that I feel a hand on my chin, turning my gaze back to him.
He’s kneeling beside the tub, his thumb stroking across my cheek.
“You don’t have to hide it from me,” he says. “In fact, I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”
I manage a small nod. “I’m not hiding anything on purpose. Just…surviving. Can you let me do that?”
Although his lips tighten like he doesn’t approve, he nods back. His hand is still cupping my chin, his thumb still stroking. “What can I do for you?”
The rasp of his voice, the touch of him against my skin warms something inside of me, settling right between my legs.
It would be healthier for me to talk about it, to face it. But right now, I’d rather not. I’ve spent so long trying not to be selfish, but now I can’t think of anything else. I want to be selfish. I need to be, if I’m going to survive this.
So I take a deep breath and tell Samson exactly what I need. “I want to be distracted. For the next two days. I want to think about nothing.”
His eyes darken. “How do you want me to help with that?”
I turn my face slightly and lick a stripe across the pad of his finger. “I want to see you come.”
His breathing hitches and his pupils dilate.
I’m not done. “Then I want you to fuck me.”
Samson pushes his thumb between my lips, and I suck on it, tasting him. He doesn’t respond right away, but I see his answer in the set of his brows, in the darkness of his eyes.
But then he pulls away, and I find myself pouting.
He doesn’t go far, reaching behind himself and pulling his shirt over his head in one simple, erotic move.
I hold my breath, taking in his strong chest, the trail of hair disappearing beneath the waistband of his jeans, the raven tattoo on his bicep.
I set my mug of tea down and curl my fingers around the lip of the tub, my other hand dipping beneath the water and fisting my hard cock.
Samson stands up and pulls his jeans down, his boxers disappearing with them, leaving him completely naked.
A small whimper escapes me at the sight of his strong legs dusted in thick hair.
God, I want to sink my teeth into those thighs.
And his cock. Fuck. He’s already hard, and my hole clenches around nothing, already imagining how it’ll feel with him stretching me open. It’s huge, thick, and uncut.
In other words, completely perfect.
His hand grips it, and he strokes it roughly. The sound of it, the sight, has me biting back a moan. Yes, this is what I need. To live in the moment, to forget for a short time until reality comes crashing back in.
Samson stands there, the muscles in his abdomen flexing as he strokes himself, his eyes settled on me, on my face, raking over my neck and shoulders before moving back to stare into my eyes once more. It’s filthy, it’s…so fucking hot.
I shift slightly and lift a hand from the water to wrap around his thigh, pulling him closer. He moves easily, his legs hitting the edge of the tub, his cock so close to my face. I sit up a little taller, bubbles trailing down my chest, leaning forward to run my nose across the tip of him.
His nostrils flare, his body arching closer to me, a hand landing on the wall behind me, one of his feet stepping into the tub, right between my spread legs.
I give in to the temptation I had earlier, letting my teeth sink lightly into Samson’s muscled thigh.
“Fuck.” His cock jumps as his fingers go into my hair. “Do that again.”
I do it once more, on the other thigh this time, before turning my attention to his cock. I feel my breath coming in short pants as I let my tongue poke out, laving over his head.
He grunts when I repeat the motion. “You’re killing me here.”
I smirk. I shouldn’t enjoy the fact that I affect him this much. But I do.
When I lean forward and suck the tip between my lips, his hand tightens in my hair. A groan leaves me as he guides me forward to take him inch by inch. My mouth is spread wide around him, his hard length heavy on my tongue.
Fuck, not only am I going to get to watch him come, I’m going to taste it, experience it.
He pulls me off, my lips hovering right against his tip, spit glistening on the wet skin, and then he pushes me onto him once more, taking complete control. Yes. This is what I need, I think as he shoves in even farther, tunneling down my throat for a split second before pulling back.
I can’t look away from him.
He can’t look away from me.
Our eyes connect as he continues to fuck my throat.
And I just let him use me as he pistons his hips back and forth, his cock pushing in and out of my mouth as I take it all. My own cock aches between my legs, but I don’t reach for it, I just experience the pleasure of someone else taking control. Making me forget.
His movements speed up, his thrusts growing more blunt as he works himself in and out of my mouth. I hold on to his thighs, feeling a tremble move through the muscles there as he fights his orgasm.
I don’t want him to fight it though. I want him to give in.
Hollowing out my cheeks, I suck harder, and his eyes nearly droop closed as he continues to take.
A growl leaves him, and I feel his breathing grow more labored. A sense of pride washes through me at being the one to do this to him. To give him this pleasure.
Then he’s cursing, his hands twisting almost painfully in my hair as he jerks, his cum spilling down my throat. I swallow, consuming every drop until he sags slightly, pulling out of me.
My lips are sore, my throat bruised, but I just savor it.
“Fuck,” he murmurs as he reaches down and swipes my chin clean.
I see his release on his finger, and I grab his hand and bring it to my lips, lapping at it eagerly.
It makes his cheeks darken, his mouth part in surprise.
When I let him go, he stares down at his wet thumb and then brings it between his lips and tastes me.
I let out a small whimper, and he sinks back to the floor.
“Two days?” he asks, and I bob my head.
“Two days.”
“Fine.”
He leans forward and pulls me into a rough kiss, his tongue pushing into my mouth and tangling with my own. I gasp, my hands moving into his hair, pulling roughly as I slant my mouth over his.
When he pulls back, his lips are red, his chest heaving.
“Where’s your lube?” he asks, and I point with a shaking hand to the drawer just behind him.
“Does that mean you’re going to stay?”
“Yes. Two days. You’ll be distracted, I promise you that.”
I let out a small thank-you to the gods as he pulls the lube out and uncaps it.
“On your knees, Row. I’m going to make you come so many times you’re going to forget what day it is.”
Water splashes over the lip of the tub and onto the floor as I move, my entire body shaking with excitement.
Yes, this is what I need.
Just this.