29. Samson
SAMSON
I have no idea how I manage to persuade both Rowan and Adriana into my car. Especially given I just tried to murder one of them.
And the other discovered how I intended to kill him…once.
I think shock is playing a big part. I don’t have to ask for directions—I know where Adriana lives, have known for some time now. We’ve been watching her for a while too, but not tonight. Tonight, we were all preoccupied with the news we received.
That Dalton captured Adam’s murderer.
The news about Scott Johnson is fresh. Neo and Ansel have been working around the clock with Wylder, trying to narrow the suspects down for Adam’s real murderer.
My brother pulled me out of the theater to show me the evidence they’d gathered proving it was Johnson. I wouldn’t have left for anything less.
Now, I wish I hadn’t left at all.
I look in the rearview mirror at the two of them. They’re huddled together on the back seat, exchanging whispers like Adriana didn’t just have a fucking gun to Rowan’s head less than twenty minutes before.
Fuck. I’ve never known fear like I did in that moment. Not until Rowan lifted that same gun to his own temple.
I think that was the precise second my heart shattered.
Stopping outside Adriana’s house, I let the engine idle. My hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel as Rowan wipes the tears from under Adi’s eyes, saying something to make her chuckle.
How can he be so forgiving? Did he forget what she was going to do to him?
My rage is a palpable thing. I would’ve killed her just for daring to threaten Rowan. Never expected he’d threaten himself in the process.
Rowan is smart. I wouldn’t have spared her for anything less.
But maybe this bodes well for me. If he can forgive her…then maybe….
When she finally exits the car, Rowan doesn’t move to the front seat like he should. Doesn’t speak either. It’s deathly silent, a wound on my shattering heart. I wait a few minutes to see if he’s going to demand I take him home, to his own place, to be alone.
But when he doesn’t, I drive us to the mansion.
My brothers will already be there. Their partners, too.
With the information we’ve uncovered on Scott, they would’ve been planning to meet.
The emergency alarm I pressed on my watch before bringing my dagger to Adriana’s neck would’ve sped up the process.
They would have been halfway to the theater when I messaged them to stand down while walking Rowan and Adi to my car.
I don’t want to see any of them now. I just want to usher Rowan upstairs, get on my knees, and beg.
But I know that’s not how it will work. So instead, I park outside the house and rush around to open Rowan’s door. But he beats me to it, flinging it open and striding up the steps to the house two at a time.
I can’t help but chase after him, my mouth dry. “Rowan, can we talk? Before we go inside, please. Can we just fucking talk?”
“I think the time for you to talk is long past,” he says. His voice is brittle, like one wrong move will break him. Like he’s barely holding the pieces together. “I’m only here because I want to know everything about Scott, and then I’m gone.”
“Wait.” I grab his arm, hauling him to a stop. I’m holding on to him far too tightly, but he doesn’t seem to notice either. Numb. He’s numb.
Fear clogs my throat so much I can’t draw breath. “What do you mean, gone?”
“You’re a smart man. I’m sure you can figure it out.”
No. He can’t mean…
“There you are.” Dalton steps out of the conference room and spots us in the foyer. “What’s wrong? We got the alarm call. Is everything okay?”
Rowan’s head whips around. “Are you asking as a Buckingham? Or as a member of The Firm?”
Understanding dawns on Dalton’s face. “Oh. Fuck. He wasn’t supposed to know.”
“Well I fucking do.” Rowan gives a hollow laugh while I just stand there, watching my whole world collapse around me. “I assume everyone’s already waiting?”
Rowan doesn’t wait for an answer, just shoves past Dalton into the meeting room.
I’m right on his heels, almost crashing into him as he stops abruptly, my hands going to steady him, but he twirls away, not wanting to be connected to me.
Not wanting me to touch, to hold. Instead, his gaze runs over Ansel’s face.
Neo’s. Harley’s. A sheen covers his eyes, and I hear him sniffle. “I see. Just me in the dark. Great.”
Ansel flushes in shame, Cade putting his arm around his shoulders and hugging him.
Neo offers Rowan a pleading look. “We had to keep it a secret until we knew we could trust you.”
Rowan closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them, there’s no sign of the man I knew. The one I fell for. “To think I trusted you. All of you. God, what a fucking loser I am.”
Neo sinks down in his chair, making Wylder scowl at Rowan. “You’re not a loser. Not at all. But also, the fault isn’t on them. It was my decision to keep you in the dark. Family comes first.”
Rowan’s smile is anything but warm. “And I’m not part of the family. Don’t worry, Wylder, that’s crystal fucking clear. I mean, you did all agree to murder me, isn’t that right?”
Not a single one of us denies it.
We can’t.
I want to protest that he is part of the family. That he’s mine. That the past few weeks have been the happiest of my life.
But the words don’t come.
It shouldn’t matter—what came before. The idea that we were going to put him six feet under…
The thought of it… I can’t fucking breathe.
I can’t breathe.
Several of my brothers are looking at me pointedly. Dalton is actually tapping his temple, trying to get me to lock in, but I can’t. All my mind can focus on is how Rowan’s face looked when Adriana told him the truth I hoped he’d never learn.
“I asked them to kill you.”
Rowan has been sleeping under our roof. Socializing with us. Fucking me.
Falling for me.
Now he knows what we once intended to do.
Even so, I’m not giving him up. I know I fucked up, but Rowan will forgive me. He forgave Adriana, for fuck’s sake; he’ll forgive me, too.
He has to.
I’m not sure what I’ll do if he doesn’t.
“Tell me what you know,” Rowan says, taking a seat. He juts his chin at the closed folder in front of Wylder. “I want to know everything.”
I slide into the seat beside him, dropping my voice low. “Baby, I’ve seen the file. I don’t think you want to see it.”
Rowan bares his teeth at me. “I’m not your fucking baby, Samson. Now show me the damn file.”
Harley snatches it from in front of Wylder. His face is solemn as he puts it behind his back. “I’m sorry, friend. Samson might crack, but I won’t. Trust me, seeing what’s in here is only going to bring you more pain. I’m not going to let you do it. I care about you.”
“You care about me?” Rowan’s voice takes on a slightly hysterical edge. “Tell me, friend, did you know about the request? Why Samson originally tracked me down?”
Harley’s silence answers the question for him.
“I see,” Rowan says delicately. “Is that true for all of you?”
More silence. I want to scream, just to break it, but I still can’t find my voice. I fear I may have lost it forever.
Rowan gives a choked sob. I reach for him instinctively, but he shrinks out of my reach. “Don’t. Don’t fucking touch me.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Cade wince. Why’s he wincing? I’m the one having his heart completely obliterated.
“So, not only were you all hiding that you are The Firm from me, but that Samson was going to kill me.”
“No,” I say, finally finding my voice. “No, I wasn’t going to kill you. I couldn’t. I really couldn’t.”
He twists to face me. “Look me dead in the eyes, Samson Buckingham. Do that, and tell me you never planned to kill me.”
I can’t. I can’t, and he fucking knows it.
Rowan gives a bitter laugh. “Exactly.”
He turns his attention back to the table at large. “Okay. So, clearly Samson had to fess up at some point that he couldn’t follow through. What did the great and mighty Firm decide to do then? Hmm? What the fuck did you decide to do then?”
Harley pales as I mutter an oath under my breath. Surely none of my brothers will be stupid enough to answer that question.
“Harley offered to finish the mission,” Dalton says bluntly.
He ducks to the side, easily evading my dagger, and then continues speaking to Rowan as though nothing happened.
“We haven’t been honest with you in the past, but we will going forward.
I’m not sure why my brother seems to have lost his tongue, but let me assure you, you’re one of us now. ”
“One of you?” Rowan chokes as tears spill over. “You think I want to be a part of this…this fucking game?”
“It’s not a game.” Wylder frowns. “What we do here is very important and—”
“It’s a game!” Rowan roars, springing to his feet. Tears might be flowing down his face, but it does nothing to diminish how magnificent he is in his fury. “You sit here, judge, jury, executioner, playing games with people’s lives. Don’t deny it.”
“We’re not,” I croak, standing and desperately trying to get closer to Rowan. “I swear. We research our targets thoroughly. We take what we do seriously. Our decisions aren’t made in the heat of the moment.”
He stares at me in disbelief. “How can you say that when you got it wrong with me? How many others have you got it wrong with, hmm? How many innocent people have you killed?”
I don’t have a response for him. How can I, when the same question has kept me up at night for the past few weeks?
“What happened with you was an anomaly,” Wylder says slowly. “We’ve already put more fail-safes into place to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”
“These are people’s lives,” he repeats in a whisper. “This is my life. Mine. And you tried to take it from me.”
A sob racks his body, and I feel like I’m being torn in two.
Harley stands up, his throat bobbing. “Rowan, none of us would hurt you now. If anything, we’d kill for you.”
That’s the wrong thing to say. I almost see how Rowan recoils in on himself. “You know the worst thing about all of this? You all knew.”
I frown, unsure what he’s getting at. But then I realize he’s not done.
“You all knew that Samson was supposed to kill me. That he, for some fucking reason, couldn’t do it. You knew Harley offered to finish the mission. You knew all this, but still welcomed me into your home.”
He points a shaky finger at Ansel. Then Neo. Finally, it comes to rest on Harley. “All of you. You made me feel welcome. You made me think we were friends.”
Ansel is crying too now. “We are your friends.”
“No,” Rowan whispers, shaking his head. “I had a friend, once. He wouldn’t have ever done this.”
Heat burns behind my eyes. “Rowan…”
“No.” He jerks away, glaring at me. “Fuck you, Samson. Fuck. You.”
I reel back like he’s hit me.
“Fuck you,” he says to Neo quietly, before moving to Ansel, “and fuck you.”
He faces Harley, and I know it’s his betrayal that’s hurt my Rowan the most—other than mine, obviously. He was the one who offered to pull the trigger when I couldn’t. “Fuck you, Harley. Next time you take on a job, picture this moment, and ask yourself if it’s really worth it.”
He spins on his heel, and I almost fall over chairs in my haste to catch up to him. “Rowan, wait. I can explain.”
He whirls with all of his usual grace, but none of his candor. “Can you, Samson? How the fuck can you explain or justify any of this?” He laughs; an angry, ugly sound. “You can’t. You fucking can’t.”
“Wait. But I love you,” I blurt the words out. “I love you, Rowan. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you again. Please don’t leave me. Please.”
His eyes shutter, and he takes a step back. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have kept all of this from me. How can I love you when I don’t even know who you are? What you do?”
“I tried to tell you,” I say hopelessly. “You kept laughing it off.”
“You didn’t try hard enough,” he says hotly. I know he’s right. Of course he is. “You could’ve explained why we met. That it wasn’t some casual fucking hookup in a club. You were stalking me. Admit it.”
I can’t lie to him again. I won’t. “Yes. You were my job. But I saw you, and I knew I couldn’t kill you.”
His chin wobbles. “The first time you saw me? You immediately decided in that second not to kill me?”
I hear the death knell ringing in the distance. It’s coming for us, and I have no way to stop it. “No. Not then.”
His quick intake of breath is more painful than any wound I’ve ever sustained. “After the first time we were…together?”
I’m so ashamed of myself. So fucking ashamed that I can’t give him the answer we both want to hear.
“When?” he whispers. “When, Samson?”
“I asked my brothers for more time after the dance studio.” I don’t need to be more specific.
I can see from the horror on his face that he remembers exactly when I mean.
“I think I knew then that I’d never go through with it.
My brothers did too after I threatened to kill Harley if he dared so much as touch you. ”
Rowan stares at me silently, and I know I need to say more.
I just wish I knew the right words.
“I knew for certain the night in the closet,” I whisper. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you. I swear it.”
“Funny how you say that, but you kept on doing that by hiding this from me.” Rowan drifts back a few more steps. He’s not looking at me now, like he can’t stand the sight of me. I don’t blame him. Doubt I’ll be able to look at myself in a mirror again after this.
If there’s anything left of me once Rowan has finished. I suspect I’ll just be an empty shell, with pain and devastation where my heart once beat.
“I’m leaving now,” he says. “I’m getting Nugget, all my things, and I’m going. Don’t come after me.”
“Wait!” I shout, reaching out to grab onto him.
He stares at where I touch him, my palm burning a brand onto his skin. I don’t want to let go. Not until…
I step closer, and his watering eyes meet mine.
“You won’t…” I let out a strained sound. “You won’t hurt yourself, will you? The gun… I don’t want you to do that. Please.”
Rowan’s eyes widen, and he swallows, his head shaking.
“I won’t. I promise I won’t. That was just desperation in the moment. I don’t want to die.”
It’s enough.
My hand loosens, and he shakes me off.
He blinks at me, and I hear a small sob leave his lungs, then he turns on his heel and stalks off.
I go against all my instincts, and I let him. My mind, body, and soul are screaming at me to go after him, but I can’t.
Not when it might hurt him more.
I’d rather hurt myself than let that happen.
So that’s what I do.
I let my heart be ripped to shreds as Rowan walks out of my life.