Chapter 14 #2
She broke up with me, without much reason I could rationalize. She said she needed space, so that’s what I’ve been doing—giving her space. I really had thought everything was fine.
I can’t help but replay that night in my head, as I’ve done every night before bed, hoping something I missed before jumps out at me.
“Kane, we need to talk,” Avery says, finally breaking the silence that has lingered long enough to watch three episodes of whatever show we put on—some new TV drama she demanded we start, and I agreed because I’ve never been able to say no to her.
She queued it up while I cooked for us, but then I got lost in my thoughts, the message from my father burning a hole in my pocket as we watched, distracting me from both the show and her.
I turn to face her and see tears brimming in her eyes. Panic instantly shoots through my system, wondering what I could have missed over the past two hours while I was checked out.
I reach for her but pull back quickly when she flinches from my touch. Confusion races through me.
“What’s going on?” I ask, my hands hanging awkwardly between us.
“Us. Kane. Or the lack of us, I guess,” she says, wiping a rogue tear with the sleeve of the oversized black hoodie she’s wearing—which she must have taken from my closet when I wasn’t looking.
I stare at her, unsure where this is going, hoping she takes my silence as a cue to continue. The familiar grip of anxiety slowly worms itself into my chest, tightening as my breathing begins to come out unevenly and my hands begin to tingle. I drop them back into my lap.
“Do you have anything to say?” she asks, anger replacing the sadness on her face. She rubs furiously at her cheeks as tears spill down them, turned just enough for me to see every inch of her beautiful face filling with more and more hurt.
“I mean, I’m not sure what’s going on… I thought things were fine. It’s just been a long week,” I say, rubbing the fog from my eyes.
“And how would I know it’s been a long week, Kane?
We don’t talk. You don’t talk to me. And when we do talk, it’s like you’re so mentally checked out of me and our relationship, I’m not even sure why I’m here.
” She throws her hands up in anger as she stands, moving toward her bag and shoes by the front door.
Frustration lines her tone as her steps quicken away from me.
I race after her, grabbing her wrist and spinning her around to look at me.
“What are you talking about? We talk all the time,” I implore, not understanding what’s happening, but feeling the heaviness of panic flood my chest as I stare at her nonetheless.
I grip my hair with my hands, pulling trying to loosen the anxiety that’s holding tighter and tighter in my chest, shortening my breaths.
I try to grab her hand again, a way to center myself for this conversation.
She rips her arm out of my grip and takes a step back from me, my feet stuck to the cold tile floor.
“No, I talk to you, but you never talk to me anymore. And now you’re not even noticing?
” More tears spill over and fall down her cheeks.
She can’t wipe them away fast enough before the next ones come, and she eventually gives up, letting them drip to the floor.
The tears hit the ground, and my hands itch to reach over and wipe them away for her, but it’s clear from the way she pulled away that that is the last thing she wants.
“Wha—” I start but quickly cut myself off as I try to get my racing thoughts in order.
The all-too-familiar edges of panic creep into the sides of my vision, rendering me speechless on what to say, how to fix this.
My brain feels like it’s scrambling, thoughts hitting me faster than I can keep up with.
You’re not good enough for your dad and now you’re not good enough for her.
See, you’re too much for her.
Quit your crying, emotions are for girls.
Before I can find the right words to say, Avery picks up her bag and looks directly at me.
“I can’t do this anymore, Kane. I can’t feel like this anymore,” she stresses, pointing at her chest as if it’s causing her physical pain to be around me.
Her lips are swollen from crying, her perfect nose dotted with the softest freckles reddened, and those beautiful blue eyes are a deeper blue as her tears continue to track down her face.
The star of every dream I’ve ever had, the cure for every nightmare I’ve endured in my sleep.
Until the next words come out of her mouth. “I need to think. I need space. I think we should break up,” she finishes, tears streaming down her beautiful face as my eyes track her every feature.
My ears ring. Break up?
She wants to break up.
I reach into my head for anything to say, for the panic that has taken over to let me out so I can stop the love of my life from walking out that door.
How can she think this is what’s best for us?
“Ave—” I gasp out, my mouth feeling as if it’s full of sand as she opens the door.
She turns back toward me, hand on the door handle and tears still filling her eyes. “I just…need space, Kane. And you need to let me go.”
The door slams shut behind her.
I stare at the closed door, willing her to walk back through it.
I slump down the wall next to the door until I hit the tile, then drop my head into my hands and let the tears roll down my face.
My breaths come out in short pants, and, unable to stop myself from shaking, I finally let the panic take me.
My airway feels like it’s closing, the walls around me squeezing tighter and tighter. My shirt is almost too tight on my skin and my thoughts are so clouded with black, I feel myself getting lightheaded.
How in the hell did we end up here?
I don’t know how long I sit there before my thoughts start to clear and the brain fog starts to lift. The shaking has receded to small aftershocks, the tears lining my cheeks slowly dry up.
I get up and race across the foyer and into the living room for my phone.
I try calling her and it immediately goes to voicemail.
I throw my phone across the room and it shatters on impact.
Knowing it’s a lost cause until I can replace it tomorrow, I sit down where I’m standing and let it all out.
The sobs wrack my body as the thoughts penetrate me from every direction.
You’re not good enough for her.
You’re not good enough for anyone.
Minutes or hours later, I finally peel myself up off the floor again. The TV returned to the streaming home screen, the fan the only noise in the house. I decide to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.
I contemplate running after her, but she asked for space. If that’s what she wants from me, I’ll listen...and just hope that someday, she finds her way back to me.
I snap back to the present, racking my brain for something I could’ve missed that night. Avery was hurt, but she still left me. But if seeing me with another girl made her jealous enough to bring this old game back up, there must be more to it.
I finally pull out my phone to let the group know not to worry about her for the night, only to find a text from dear old dad waiting for me. I’ve turned alerts for his texts off, a part of what my therapist tells me is setting healthy boundaries.
Instead of getting upset the second I see his texts, I can look at them when I’m in a more clear headspace. Which means not now, given where I’m currently lying. But since I clearly haven’t put myself through enough emotional damage tonight, I click on the message.
Sperm Donor
If you insist on behaving in such a manner, I request your presence at dinner next Thursday night. You may bring the girl if it suits you.
I scoff then send back a quick got it.
The girl.
As if Avery hasn’t been over countless times through the years. She’s been at my side for every big function, acting as a buffer for me and my dad and letting me show her off to all his rich prick friends.
But I haven’t told my parents we broke up. There’s no point—I plan to get my girl back eventually. May as well save myself from my father offering me up as a marriage candidate for the daughters of all his high-society friends to broker a business deal.
I blow out a breath to try to calm the racing thoughts inside my head and turn on my side, gazing up at Avery. I reach up to feel her breathing, resting my hand on her stomach as I slowly doze off, feeling more at peace than I have in weeks.
I stare up at the spinning fan blades as my mind turns over itself.
My chest is loose as I feel her breath but my mind spins faster than it’s in weeks trying to piece together how we got here.
The pranks, the breakup, my dad and his ultimatum swirl around me until finally my eyes can no longer stay open and I succumb to the sleep that takes me away.