Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
kane
Waiting Room – Phoebe Bridgers
It’s been thirty-two hours since we were rushed to the hospital, and I don’t think I have been able to take a full breath since.
I stare down at her, her face serene, clear of any makeup she may have had.
She looks as if she’s just asleep. They’re not sure why she hasn’t woken up yet, maybe from the blood loss.
Nurses and doctors have been in and out over the past couple hours, but I’ve been here, unmoved from her bedside.
Morgan and Marcus stopped by trading in and out with Grayson, trying to get me to leave and eat, but I refuse to leave her side. It’s my fault she’s here. If I hadn’t been so reckless threatening him, he never would have shown up.
The cops came by early this morning to let me know he is going to be charged with aggravated assault and a slew of other charges since he showed up at a high school with a gun.
Apparently, he says he never meant to shoot it, that he just wanted to scare us, and the cops believe him, so he isn’t being charged with attempted murder.
Regardless, I am willing to testify if it means that piece of shit is behind bars and Avery is safe.
The firm and steady beeping of the machines is the only reason I haven’t completely lost it.
My vision is blurry from lack of sleep, but my eyes refuse to close.
My hair is disheveled and sticking up in all directions from the number of times I’ve run my fingers through it.
The nurses have all stared at me as if I have lost my mind, but I can’t handle not being here for every second.
Thinking about leaving her side is a pain I can’t even fathom.
Every minute that goes by without her opening her eyes, I die a little more inside.
They explained the surgery to me, how the bullet nicked her lung, causing a tension pneumothorax and making the surgery a bit more critical than first anticipated.
But the good news is she started breathing on her own immediately, keeping her out of the ICU and on the regular med-surge recovery floor, with a little extra monitoring.
“Come on, baby, I need you to open those blue eyes. I need you to open them and look at me again. I need you to drown me in your light because I can’t be left in the dark again.
I’m scared of the dark without you,” I rasp out, my voice dry with disuse, her small hand encased in mine as I bring it up to my forehead and rest it against me.
“I need you to wake up, pretty girl, because I can’t—”
I choke on a sob, the tears welling up in my eyes threatening to spill over.
“I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.
We have so much life left to live together.
We need to move in together and pick up Roo.
I need to give you the ring I’ve had stashed in my drawer for months.
I need to stand across from you in front of all our friends and pledge my life to yours.
Because it’s already yours. All that I am belongs to you.
So I need… I need you, pretty girl.” I kiss the back of her hand, savoring the feel of it in mine.
Savoring the warmth of it between my hands and letting some of my energy somehow flow into her and make her wake up.
I reach over and stroke her hair away from her face, letting my fingers trail down her cheek, the softness of her skin a stark contrast to the calluses on my fingers from my guitar. Her dark brown hair spills across the white sheets, making her stand out.
I hear the clicking of heels approach behind me.
I don’t turn around, thinking a nurse has come by to check on her, until they stop right next to my chair and a soft hand rests on my shoulder.
I turn slowly, and shock courses through me at the sight of my mother standing next to me.
Her perfectly done-up hair and pantsuit are unfitting against the dreary hospital walls and harsh lights.
She looks at me, pain in her eyes and a soft smile on her face.
“Hi, baby,” she says softly, her hand still on my shoulder as I am rendered speechless.
“Wh-what are you doing here?” I ask.
“I heard what happened. It’s all over the news. It took me a bit to figure out what hospital she was at, but I rushed over as soon as I could,” she responds, squeezing my shoulder once and letting go. Her ringless hand peers back at me, leaving me rendered speechless.
“But what are you doing here?” I ask still confused and unsure if my sleep deprived hallucinations are making me imagine this.
“I… I know this isn’t the time or the place, but I wanted to be there for you.
To show up for you in a way I should have your whole life.
And I hope it’s not too late for me to,” she says softly, a little unsure.
She holds her purse in front of her with both hands, fiddling with the strap as if this is harder for her than she thought.
I gape at her, unable to think of any words to say, my mind blanking.
“I don’t expect you to say anything. I know I don’t deserve it, but I have left your father.
I moved out and have started the divorce process.
I wanted you to know that I heard what you said that night, and I was heartbroken to know how much we have affected you.
I failed as a mother, and I knew before I could contact you again, I had to get my life together so that I could put you first in a way I should have from the very beginning. I’m so sorry, Kane.”
“It’s okay, Mom. I shouldn’t have blown up on you like that.”
“Yes, you should have. I’m so sorry it had to even get to that point. I should have paid better attention, I should have noticed, and I should take full accountability for everything.”
“Thank you,” I say, clearing my throat against all the emotions that have started to climb up.
“Do you think… Do you think that someday you could forgive me?” she asks me, her features filled with remorse and a slight hint of complete devastation as her gaze drops to my hand clutching Avery’s.
The whites of my fingers show how hard my grip is, forcing me to relax a bit so I don’t hurt her further.
“I’d like to…someday, but right now…” I trail off as my gaze goes back to my whole world lying in a hospital bed.
My mother shifts on her feet.
“Have you eaten?” she asks, changing the subject, making me so thankful to no longer have to deal with such heaviness while my mind is somewhere else. Lost to the universe, searching for Avery to come back to me.
“No,” I reply, staring at Avery. I watch her chest rise and fall under the blankets, the sight soothing my inner chaos.
“Okay, well, I’m going to run down to the cafeteria and get you something.
Marcus is going back to get you a change of clothes.
You need to at least eat something. You can’t end up in a hospital bed when she wakes up looking for you,” she says, squeezing my shoulder again before she takes off out the doors, the heels clacking on the linoleum on the way out.
My gaze never leaves Avery, my mind begging hers to wake up. I trace her face with my eyes, drinking in the sight of her, counting the freckles on the bridge of her nose, breathing along to keep the anxiety at bay.
Finally, the exhaustion takes over me, and I rest my head on top of our clasped hands, just to rest my eyes for a minute. They’re burning with exhaustion, but I refuse to give in to sleep, so worried that the second I do, I’ll lose her somehow.
“That sounded like a hard conversation,” I hear a small voice come from next to me. My head shoots up, my eyes opening as I stare at Avery’s blue eyes, finally peering up at me once more. My heart leaps in my chest, pounding so hard I feel that it might burst.
“Oh my god,” I gasp out as I take her head between my hands and kiss her, the kiss featherlight as I drink her in.
She reaches up and cups my cheek with her own hand, the feeling unlike anything I have ever experienced before.
“Are you okay? Are you in pain? Do I need to call a nurse?” I ask rapid-fire, not taking breaths between questions.
A soft chuckle leaves her lips. “I’m okay,” she rasps out. “I was just taking a nap.”
A small smile on her face, her eyes closing again as I lean my forehead against hers and drink her in.
I don’t know how long we stay there like that, just breathing each other in.
My mind circles with things to say, but I don’t know how to even start to apologize for how I was at fault for her ending up here, or if she could ever forgive me.
I pull back and sit down in the chair I have been sitting in for the last day and a half. I grasp her hand in both of mine and bring it to my lips, leaving one more soft kiss before I pull back and look into those eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Ave. I—”
She takes her hand and places it against my mouth, effectively cutting me off.
“Don’t you dare apologize to me, Kane August D’Antonio,” she says firmly, indignation written on her face as she peers back up at me.
“But this is my fault,” I rasp out, my eyes welling with tears again thinking about how my reckless actions landed her here, fighting for her life, in surgery for hours.
“This is not your fault, and you better stop beating yourself up for it,” she says with a no-nonsense tone.
“But—” I start before I’m cut off with a withering look from her, threatening me not to push her.
“These are the actions of an absolute madman who has been abusing his children and getting away with it. You did what was right and stood up to him because you saw an injustice and couldn’t stand by.
And I am so proud of you for standing up for that kid.
I do not blame you for even a second. The only person to blame is him, do you hear me? ” she says.
I hang my head and look at our joined hands. My tan, callused ones dwarf her pale, small one. The complete opposite of mine, but somehow fitting perfectly in mine. A hand that I never want to let go of as long as I live.