Chapter 36
CHAPTER 36
Roe
Okay, what’s the plan with the dress, hair and makeup?
Daisy
I haven’t even thought about any of that yet.
Roe
Why the fuck not?! You’re getting married!
Daisy
In a while, not tomorrow. Not even the day after that. Calm yourself.
Roe
Look here, missy. As your best friend, it is my job to get excited and worked up and plan ahead for YOUR BIG DAY.
Daisy
So why don’t you plan and then tell me.
Roe
You’re being a terrible friend.
Daisy
Aw, Roe. I love you.
Roe
Good, so now we can plan your wedding.
Daisy
You’re impossible.
Roe
That’s why you love me. Now, tell me all the plans. Mama needs to get her shit together.
Daisy
We’re doing it at town hall and he’s filed all the paperwork, so we’re waiting on an appointment. For a place so small, it baffles the mind that we can’t show up one day and get married.
Roe
Life isn’t easy. Suck it up, buttercup.
Daisy
Roe
What are you wearing?
Daisy
I was thinking maybe a saree? I need to do some research and find the right one, but I did find this cute dress as an alternative.
Roe
Fuck that, we’re getting you a saree. You look so good in them.
Daisy
I’m so glad you’re my person.
Roe
I don’t think you want HIM hearing you say that.
Daisy
He’s also my person. Both of you are my people and my soulmates, he knows this.
Roe
Now I feel like I should be challenging him to some kind of duel.
Daisy
He’ll accept and bow out when you win.
Roe
Boo. He better not LET me win. I want a fair fight.
Daisy
You’ve met him, you know he’s not going to take it easy on you.
Roe
Does he take it easy on you?
Daisy
Absolutely not. I love it when he turns into an animal.
Roe
And you have issues with me sharing stories about my sex life.
Daisy
You go into minute detail and while I’m glad your husband has a big dick that can reach unchartered territories….I don’t need to know.
Roe
I bet your husband has a big dick too. And really knows how to use it.
Daisy
I guess you’ll never know.
A pparently that day on the kitchen floor of the Ames house hadn’t been emotional enough. Soon after she agreed to his not-really-a-proposal proposal, he wrapped a yellow twist tie around her ring finger.
Then called their fathers to give them the news.
Pia screeched and her father cried. Duncan, Rafferty’s father, had stared at them for a long moment with tears in his eyes before he congratulated them. After she’d gotten herself together, Daisy called Monroe and Wyatt and proceeded to cry all over again. Her best friend warned her future husband that if he broke her heart, she’d kill him.
She went back and forth for a long time about letting the Wildes Women —a group Frankie created after the Fourth getaway with all the ladies she met that weekend—know about the engagement. Then finally sent them a picture of her finger with the twist tie and got all of the excited emojis in response.
Much to her surprise, everything else went pretty smoothly. Even though there was so much work on both their plates that getting anything done seemed impossible. However, they submitted all the necessary paperwork for their marriage license. And the minute they got home, Rafferty had her up against the front door calling her his wife as he fucked her until she was shaking so hard they almost collapsed on the floor. It didn’t matter that they weren’t legally married yet. It was symbolism of what they’d done.
It had been two weeks since the unofficial proposal and the only thing she knew for certain was that she didn’t want a big wedding. She saw how much waste came out of huge celebrations—everything from decor to food and flowers—and wanted to keep it simple. She managed to convince Rafferty to do it at town hall and was surprised when he agreed. They’d had their respective expensive weddings; they didn’t need another one.
She was also struggling .
The fact that she was about to get married was starting to feel real and it scared her. She had no regrets about marrying Rafferty or starting a life with him. It was everything else.
“Why do you think he will feel differently when he hears you still struggle with your body?”
“Because I’m supposed to be over it by now,” she told her therapist over the phone.
“There’s no timeline to any mental health issue. You move forward every single day or you don’t. Have you moved forward?”
Nodding even though Anastasia couldn’t see her, Daisy stopped in the middle of her house and closed her eyes. The plan was to do the session in person, but she didn’t want to leave the house. She didn’t want anybody to see her. That morning she’d stared at herself in the bathroom mirror while brushing her teeth and hated everything she saw. Her body wasn’t good enough, she wasn’t perfect and she looked terrible. The ugly voices echoed that over and over again, reminding her that she was going to be a burden on Rafferty once they got married. That he would be ashamed to be seen with her. Even if a part of her knew those were lies, she couldn’t believe that either.
So she covered her mirrors, put on her baggiest clothes and asked her therapist for a phone session.
“Daisy?”
“Yes, I have moved forward. But I…I don’t like what I see.”
“That doesn’t mean something is wrong or he’s going to react poorly. It means we need to work through it. Together, okay?”
Early on, the sessions were about teaching her to write down positive thoughts every single day. She’d done it for about a year and then stopped. Not because she didn’t have positive thoughts, but because she never remembered them by the time she opened her journal. Then again, it had been a long time since she’d had trouble liking herself. The ugly voice still belonged to her mother, a person she hadn’t seen in more than thirty years. But the damage she’d done to Daisy as a child would never fade.
“So, what is your brain telling you today?”
Sighing at the question, she pushed open the doors to her garden and stepped outside. “That I wasn’t beautiful enough for Clarke and I won’t be enough for Rafferty.”
“Do you believe it?”
“Sometimes.” She’d started the day with a long-sleeved Henley under her overalls because she wanted to hide her arms. Now she was wearing a tank top instead and the warm sun kissing her bare skin felt really good.
“What do you not believe?”
The question caught her off guard and she blinked, squinting up at the sky. “I know that I’m enough and that he loves me regardless of the way I look or what I wear and eat. I know that when he looks at me, all he sees is the person he loves.”
“All right. So why do you believe everything else?”
“Because I…” She paused and shook her head, unable to formulate the thoughts that filled her mind. “Because her voice is always so fucking loud,” she said, voice cracking as she closed her eyes. “Because every time something good happens, she has to come in and fuck it all up.”
“She’s not in your life anymore, Daisy. She’s not even real. She’s nothing to you and you deserve better than to let her plague you. Say it back to me,” Anastasia said firmly.
Breathing through the tears streaming down her face, she repeated the words. Once, twice and yelled it on the third time. As her therapist continued speaking, giving her different ways to battle those thoughts, Daisy sat on the grass and let herself cry. When they hung up, she lay back and stared at the sky. It always sounded so simple when Anastasia told her what to do and how to handle these moments, but putting them into action was way harder.
It took her about thirty minutes of watching the clouds before she was up and scrubbing her face clean. She grabbed her tools and Rafferty’s mustard cap, aka her security blanket, and returned to the garden prepared to spend a few hours tending to her plants. Even though Rafferty was back from a last-minute trip to New York, she’d still been spending a lot of time at her own house. He was busy with his own projects and the firehouse, and she was shuttling from event to event, so they were back to catching little pockets of time to see each other.
“Come on, I wasn’t gone that long,” she muttered, digging her trowel a little more aggressively than was required to loosen up the mud. Sighing heavily, she reached for another tool instead. “This is going to hurt.” She pressed the tip into the ground and pushed, grunting with exertion. “Stubborn assholes,” she huffed before sitting back to stare at the plants, like that would solve the issue.
“And here I thought you would sweet talk your plants,” a deep voice said from behind her and she jumped.
“Fuck.” She put her hand over her chest and glared at Rafferty. “They’re being annoying.”
“Aw, sweetheart. Cut them some slack and come here.”
Pushing to her feet at his sweet tone, she dropped her gloves and hoped she was hiding her emotions as she met him halfway. He took off her cap with one hand and cupped her face with the other, bringing their lips together. A soft sigh slid out of her at the contact and she fisted his shirt, pulling him closer. She felt his mouth curve into a smile before he pulled away, the sparkle in his eyes making her smile. Despite everything she’d gone through that day—and would continue to for a long time—seeing his happiness because of her made it all worth it.
“Hi, darlin’.”
“Hi, Da—” his hand clamped over her mouth before she could finish the word and shook his head.
“Don’t you dare.”
She pulled his hand away and said, “I was going to try darlin’ too.”
“I love you and think you’re the bee’s knees, but you’re a terrible liar.”
“You’re supposed to be nice to me, husband .”
He growled and tugged at her hair, her head tipping back slightly. He nipped at her cheek and dragged his nose up the side of her face. “I don’t know if I’ll survive you, wife .”
“Then don’t,” she whispered and bit his bearded jaw.
Another sound came out of him before he was releasing her and taking a big step back. The darkness in his golden eyes promised filthy, dangerous things and it made her knees shake.
“So, uh…how was your day?” she asked.
“I love you, did I mention that today?” he asked and she shook her head. Of course he had, but she wasn’t going to let him get away with it that easily. “Love of my fucking life. And my day was great .”
“Oh?”
“I mean, the fire was a bit stressful, but what happened after made it great.”
She tilted her head, taking a small step towards him. “Tell me.”
“I got us a date.”
“What?”
“Wednesday at five.”
She frowned. “That’s in two days.”
“Exactly. I know we don’t have to rush into this, but I cannot wait to be your husband. I can’t wait to be yours .”
Her heart leaped against her ribcage and she nodded, unable to form full sentences. Since it was a civil ceremony and none of the noise around a wedding, she knew that the date didn’t matter.
“You’re absolutely sure, right?” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
He stared at her, wrinkles forming on his forehead. “I’ve never been more sure of anyone in my entire life. You and me, Hero, we’re a sure thing.”
She nodded slowly, never looking away. It was one thing to read it in his countless letters. She’d kept the box, much to his chagrin, and read one every morning and one at night. There were enough to keep her going for a while, but she kept reading the same few constantly. They were reminders that even when she hadn’t thought much of herself, he’d seen her in a way she didn’t think was possible. The way he loved her matched her intensity and it soothed the burning in her soul. She couldn’t quite comprehend how someone could love her that much even when they were apart.
“What’s wrong?” he asked and she shook her head, realizing that she’d been standing there staring at him for so long.
“A sure thing, huh?”
“Hero.”
She offered him a smile—not one to appease him, but a genuine stretch of her lips—and closed the gap between them. “It’s one of those days. I’m…needy.”
He cupped her jaw. “Happy to satisfy all your needs, darlin’.”
“God, I know. And I love you so much for it.” She stretched up and kissed him. “Now, if we’re getting married in two days, we better let our families know.”
“I already did.”
“ Rafferty .”
He chuckled and drew her in for another kiss. “They were disappointed, but understood why I couldn’t wait. Pia said she wants to throw us a party when they’re back.”
“I spoke to Dad yesterday and he didn’t say anything,” she replied, but felt a pinch of sadness that her father wouldn’t be there. If she was being honest, she didn’t actually expect her father and stepmother to show up, but there was that weird hope they might.
“We can wait, Hero.”
She shook her head, smiling as she held onto him. “I can’t wait to marry you. It’s okay. We’ll throw many parties over the next few months.”
“If you’re sure.” She nodded and kissed his cheek. “Okay, important question. You done gardening?”
“Depends on what you have in mind.”
“Thinking about stripping you out of this,” he whispered, lips landing on her neck. “Then getting you dirtier before I clean you up.”
“I think I could be okay with that.”
Boots was asleep in the house and when she walked in, he was up on his feet. She gave him some love, smiling when he licked her back and went to wash up. Even with her gloves, digging up dirt had left marks on her arms. With her bathroom mirror covered, she didn’t know what state her face was in and honestly, she didn’t care.
She stepped out of the bathroom as Rafferty said, “Why is your mirror covered?”
Daisy winced and stood where she was, trying to come up with the best response to the question. I should have gone upstairs first , she thought to herself and walked up to the loft, crafting her response.
“It was a har—what are you doing?”
Kneeling, he held up a velvet box with a grin. “Thought you might like something more than a yellow twist tie.”
“I like my twist tie,” she whispered, staring at the box.
“When I saw you in that ice cream shop months ago, I knew I would do anything and everything in my power to have another chance with you. You’re my best friend, Hero. You’re the first thing I think about every morning and the last thought on my mind every night. You love my kid like he’s your own, you make me feel like the world could end and we’d still be absolutely fine. I don’t know how I survived these last twenty years, because I know that I will not be okay without you by my side for the rest of my life.”
Her breath caught at the sincerity of his words. And the other thing her brain snagged on was how not once did he reference her appearance as a reason why he loved her. That had never been what he saw; he saw her . Her heart tripped over itself as he flipped open the box because there nestled in another layer of velvet was a round solitaire with a gold band. Even in its simplicity, she recognized it instantly. Her hand flew up to her mouth and she blinked back the tears as she looked at him.
“Nonna left me her ring. Technically her will said, ‘I leave it to Rafferty only if he plans on marrying Daisy’.”
The words were on the tip of her tongue, but the tears were winning and she laughed through them softly. He took the ring out of the box and held a hand out. She set her fingers against his palm and breathed out loudly.
“You and me, Hero. Forever and always, right?” She nodded as he held the ring at the tip of her finger. “I love you so much. It would be my absolute honor to be your husband. Marry me?”
Looking between the love of her life and the ring, she tried to piece together how this was happening and found him frowning. “Oh god,” she said on a laugh. “Yes! Yes, I will marry you.”
“You had me scared there for a moment, sweetheart.”
She laughed and shook her head, as he slid the ring onto her finger. It fit perfectly and she wondered if his grandmother knew that as well.
“We’re getting married in two days. You know what my answer is already,” she teased.
“Like hearing confirmation from you every single time.”
The low timbre of his voice sent a shiver up her spine. He stood up and pulled her into his arms, their lips finding each other in a slow kiss. Sighing against his mouth, she swayed as he did. As she pulled away, she set her hand on his chest and stared at the ring.
“Do you want to tell me about the mirror?”
“No.”
“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do instead.” With his hands on her hips, he turned her to face the mirror. She pinched her eyes shut and leaned back against him. His lips ghosted along her shoulder and neck. “I’m going to tell you all my favorite things about your body, okay?”
It was obvious why she’d covered the mirror, but the fact that he didn’t ask her to explain and understood made her tear up again.
“Raff…”
“Would that make you uncomfortable? I won’t do it.”
She hesitated, but knew that no matter what, he would make her feel like a queen.
“I don’t love myself today,” she said softly.
“I know, sweetheart. Can I love you for the both of us?” Nodding, she swallowed the sob lodged in her throat. “Keep your eyes on me.”
Blowing out a breath, she settled her gaze on the reflection of the man watching her. His golden eyes flared hot as he slowly undid the buckles of her overalls. The front flap fell forward and he undid the buttons at her hips as his mouth trailed hot kisses along her neck.
“Jesus,” he breathed against her throat as the light denim dropped, cool air brushing against her skin. “I can’t believe I get to be yours.”
His hands spread over her stomach and she inhaled sharply to offset the nerves coursing through her veins. One hand settled on her hip as the other traced along the waistband of her underwear and her hips jolted slightly.
“These hips and thighs? These fucking stretch marks? Proof of how much your body has grown and changed, proof of how strong you are.”
“I’m not strong.”
“Don’t say that about my wife, she’s the strongest fucking person on the planet.”
A sob burst from her lips and she squeezed her eyes shut.
“I know your mind has made you think this body isn’t good enough, isn’t worthy. But this body has been with you through the good and the bad. And it was there with you when we first fell in love.” He released her underwear and used both hands to grip her thighs. “I love every dip, curve, uneven area, every ingrown hair and silver line because each of them shows me the journey you’ve been on.”
She opened her eyes and met his in the mirror. At the gentle squeeze of her hips, she looked at herself. She could see all her flaws and blemishes, all the things she hated about her body like her wrinkly knees, the light bruises along her shins, her weird feet and awkward toes. His gaze was hot on her body as she stared at the cellulite on her thighs, the lines up the side of her hips that vanished into her underwear. There was also the soft pouch of her belly and the loose flesh under her arms.
“Tell me,” he urged her softly.
“I don’t see myself the way you do and sometimes that worries me.”
“Why?”
“What if the way I ha— dislike my body becomes an issue?”
He sighed, breath brushing against her neck. “It’ll never be an issue. I know it’s hard for you to talk about it. It’s your body, Daisy. I know only some of what you’ve been through. All I can do is remind you that I love you and your body just the way she is.”
“My therapist told me that this is going to be a long journey.”
“And I’ll be with you the whole way, for as long as you want me.”
She nodded. “Forever and always, right?”
“Exactly,” he said. “What would you like to do today?”
She guided his hand back to the front of her underwear. “You were going to love me for the both of us,” she said softly, eyes meeting his.