Chapter 16
Ellary
Iregretted saying yes to the date with Clayton even before he picked me up.
Though not because I don’t like him.
Clayton recommended a small, cozy downtown Italian restaurant I’d never been to before.
He pulled my chair out for me, beating the server to it.
And as we decided what to order, he chatted easily with me about anything and everything.
Just as he promised in the parking lot when we met and he asked me out, there’s been no pressure on this date.
There’s no push that makes me think he would take things further than I want to go.
But I still feel like I’m doing something wrong.
“How about we skip dessert and go for a walk instead?” I suggest, leaning back from the table when he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
A girl at the next table sighs wistfully, the way I would have. It’s one of those sweet, romantic gestures that makes your heart squeeze when you’re watching a movie or a TV show.
My heart had not squeezed. I wanted to put space between us before he leaned in and kissed me the way he looked like he had been about to.
“Sure,” he says. “There’s a park nearby.”
Clayton is agreeable. He’s sweet and handsome. He’s knowledgeable and a doctor who seems to really care about his cancer patients, from the stories he told me on the drive to the restaurant. So why am I not falling madly and deeply in love with him?
He continues to do everything right.
Refusing to let me pay, he tips the server so well that the man is literally tripping over himself showing us out. He, and not the server, drapes my coat over my shoulders when we retrieve our coats from the cloakroom, his hands lingering on my arms as he murmurs, “Is that okay?”
“It’s perfect. Thanks.” I smile.
I am living a real-life main-character-in-a-romance-movie moment, yet I keep wondering when this date will end so I can go home.
I want to snatch my hand back when he joins our fingers and leads us out of the restaurant and down the street toward the small park in the distance.
“How did you hear about the restaurant?” I ask. “The food was amazing, and I swear the server was a mind reader. He knew when we needed something before we could even look for him.”
I’d been looking around for extra Parmesan for my pasta, and there he was, walking right toward me with an enormous block of it and a giant cheese grater that had made me laugh.
He smiles at me. “My sister. She’s a social worker; somehow, there are days she’s busier than I am. Her husband took her a couple of weeks ago, and she’s been dreaming about their cacio e pepe ever since.”
We keep walking to the park at a slow, relaxed pace. The evening is mild and perfect. Clayton’s hand is warm and secure around mine, and occasionally, our shoulders brush as we stroll.
Clayton is everything a woman should want after a devastating heartbreak. Yet, the entire evening has felt like wearing someone else’s coat—warm enough, but not mine.
As we walk around the park, Clayton tells me more about his family and his long journey to becoming a doctor. It’s not just a career for him, but his calling. He never dreamed of doing anything else, and it’s both harder and more rewarding than he ever could have imagined.
I start telling him about myself, but I realize how interwoven my life is with Jackson's. We met in high school, fell in love, and went to college together. When he went pro, I didn’t hesitate to follow him to Colorado.
Then I gave up a job I loved to come home to Melton with him when he had a career-ending injury.
My job was as a management consultant with a boutique consultancy in Colorado, a dream first job for any business major graduate. Since they only had offices in Colorado and working remotely wasn’t an option, I put Jackson—and our marriage—first.
Finding a job like the dream one I’d turned my back on was impossible in Melton.
Our town is too small, and though I’d tried looking for a remote job, I let Jackson convince me that I didn’t actually need to work.
He earned more than enough as a sales manager with regular big bonuses, and since we’d decided to try for kids straight away, I could be a stay-at-home mom and give our kids all my attention.
Now that we’re no longer together, I realize how little I focused on myself. My career. My wants. I always put other people first and myself last.
“Ellary?” Clayton squeezes my hand, returning me to the present.
I flash him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. There’s not much to tell you. I’m pretty uninteresting. “
He gives me a disbelieving look. “I doubt that. Are you from Melton?”
“Yeah.”
And just like that, he pulls me into another easy conversation about small-town life, making me laugh.
We walk back to his car in a nearby parking lot across from the restaurant, and he opens the door for me.
I smile gratefully, climb in, and he shuts the door for me.
The drive back to my house is thick with tension as we get closer to the suburbs.
He glances at me during red lights, smiling often. He fills every moment with a thought or a comment, some small word or phrase that draws a smile to my lips and makes me question whether something is wrong with me.
Outside my house, he pulls his car to a stop near my driveway and cuts the engine.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I move to open the door.
“I’ll get it,” he says, out of the car and rounding the hood to open my door for me.
I climb out, gripping my purse tightly, and wait for him to step back so I can get to my front door.
He doesn’t move.
His smile is soft and earnest, and he stands so close to me that my heart starts pounding. “I had a really good time with you, Ellary.”
I return his smile, wishing he would step back and not do what I think he intends to. “Me too. It was really great.”
My sister said he’d treat me well, that I’d have a good time. And I have. Truly.
But I should not have agreed to this date with a man as nice as Clayton. He deserves someone who will love him and want him with their entire heart. Not me. I come with too much baggage.
He steps a little closer. Just enough that I feel the shift in the air, and my breath catches.
“I’d like to see you again,” he says, voice low. “If you want that.”
My heart thuds against my chest.
I open my mouth to answer, but before I can, he’s moving closer.
But slowly, giving me every chance to pull away.
And I should.
I really should tell him I have enough on my plate with a divorce that’s stalled because I can’t bring myself to tell my husband that I’m carrying his child.
And I told myself I would start buying things for the baby now that the ultrasound scan came back and everything looks good.
But I have yet to push open the spare bedroom door because the last time I entered it was with Jackson.
He had his arm wrapped around my shoulder, his lips brushing my temple when he reassured me that even though it felt like the universe wasn’t listening, I would be a mom one day.
One day, we’d be laughing and not groaning when a screaming baby was keeping us up all night.
I can’t cut the strings tying me to Jackson because deep down, I hate him for a betrayal I never saw coming, but love doesn’t listen. Emotions don’t just go away when someone hurts you.
Clayton is leaning in to kiss me, but all I keep thinking is that he smells wrong. He doesn’t smell the way I need and want him to smell. Not like Jackson. Not like mine.
I’m not ready.
And until Jackson knows about this baby, we’re tied together. Which means it’s not fair to Clayton or anyone else I might want to date.
“Clayton…” I pause, unsure how to tell him all the doubts circling my mind without hurting him. “I don’t think I can do this with you.”
He backs up immediately. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
But I do.
He was so sweet and perfect, and he deserves an explanation for why I can’t see him again when he did nothing wrong.
“I thought I could do this,” I whisper. “I really did. You’re wonderful. Truly. But I’m not—” I swallow hard. “I’m not there yet.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Ellary. You told me things were complicated, and I should have listened.”
“This isn’t all about my husband. Mostly, it’s about me. My husband hurt me so badly. It’s why we’re divorcing. I thought I was ready to move on and start dating, but I don’t think I’m even close to it yet. Can I give you money for dinner?” I offer.
He smiles. “I don’t want your money, Ellary. I had an amazing time with you. Not all dates go so well. One woman accidentally locked herself in a bathroom and texted me from the stall to come save her. That one was interesting.”
He surprises a bark of laughter out of me, my tension melting away and relief settling over me that he doesn’t hate me. “Did you have to knock the door down?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing that serious. I just let the wait staff know. They comped us a free dinner for the faulty lock.”
We grin at each other.
My smile fades and I give him a knowing look. “I have to introduce you to my sister.”
His brow lifts. “Your sister?”
“Lila’s life isn’t as complicated as mine, and I think you’d like her. She sounded half in love with you when I was telling her about you.”
His smile widens. “Are you trying to hook me up with your sister because you feel sorry for me?”
I step toward him and brush a kiss across his cheek. “No. I think you’re a pretty great guy, and I think my sister is a pretty great girl. That’s all. You don’t have to decide now. Let me know, and I’ll give her your number.”
Smiling faintly, he shakes his head. “Now, this is not how I anticipated this date ending.”
Me either.
“I’ll see you around, Clayton,” I say.
He lifts a hand in a wave, his expression thoughtful, as if seriously considering asking my sister out. “Bye, Ellary.”
Inside the house, I step out of my kitten-heels with a sigh of relief, hang up my coat in the closet beside the front door, and immediately reach for my phone.
Lila answers it after one ring. “What happened?”
I laugh. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”
The sound of raised voices fades, and a door snicks shut. “That can wait. Did he kiss you?”
“Not exactly.”
And as I wander into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, I fill my sister in on my date with a guy who I think is perfect, just not perfect for me.