Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
“ I ’ll be in touch.”
That’s what Clementine said three days ago and Oakley was now slightly on edge.
The day of their kiss, after he’d finished work, he’d found her fast asleep on the break room couch. He’d woken her up and after a hit of sugar and coffee, told her that he was okay with the change to their deal. The smile she flashed would have made a lesser man go blind, but he’d been reminded how desperately he craved the woman.
Not hearing from her was ramping up his anxiety. He went through the motions of doubting himself and this plan. Did she realize that I’m not worth it and change her mind? Is she rethinking her decision? Should I text her first? The thoughts came at him when he wasn’t busy and it kept building every single time he allowed himself to think about her. In those three days, he picked up his phone countless times to make sure it was working. He even started and deleted texts, because he didn’t want to come across as too desperate.
But he was.
Kissing Clementine Kinney had been, as he suspected, life-altering. From the taste of her to knowing how soft she was everywhere. His hands had taken some liberties that day, grabbing her hips and her ass, pulling her flush against him. He dreamed about it every single night. This time, there was no frosting. Just that ridiculously perfect body. Now that he knew what she felt like pressed up against him, he didn’t have to imagine what it would be like. It was driving him insane not having the real thing.
Gracie was also restless because of it. While she wasn’t a service dog and hadn’t been trained to help with his post-traumatic stress disorder and sobriety, she was very attuned to his moods. Even though she preferred the comfort of her own bed, she’d taken to sleeping tucked against his side, to make sure he was okay. Any time his knee started bouncing, Gracie would set one paw on his leg to make him stop. If he was lying on the couch and started to fidget, she would slide her fluffy body under one hand to help him calm down.
It had been a long time since his anxiety was triggered this way and for a while, he forgot how to manage it. Thankfully work kept him busy and he had his head buried in sketches and ink. It was still quite a lot for someone who didn’t handle their anxiety well.
Naturally it worried Kristof.
“You’re vibrating. What’s going on?”
“I agreed to a no-strings-attached sex deal with a woman and she hasn’t called or texted in three days and I’m wondering if she’s regretting her decision and also I don’t know if this is a good idea anymore,” he said, inhaling sharply when he finished.
Beside him on the couch, Gracie stood up on her hind legs and set her front paws on his shoulder. He swallowed and forced himself to breathe slowly. When he opened his eyes, he found Kristof watching him curiously.
“Okay, let’s start from the beginning,” he said softly and Oakley nodded. “I’m assuming that despite telling me you were going to go find random singles in your area, you didn’t.”
Scoffing, he shook his head. “I met random singles and made a sex deal with one of them.”
“Be serious.”
“I’m not good at flirting and I’m clearly not good at asking for what I want, so meeting random singles for sex sounds like a lot of work.”
“What is your biggest fear?”
He sighed, slumping back on the couch as Gracie rested her head on his thigh. He dragged his fingers through her golden fur and thought back to all of his fears. He’d spent most of high school with the same person and the relationship had been great while it lasted. When he graduated and decided to make surfing his full time career, she hopped on his fame train. Then everything crumbled and she walked away, leaving him alone and miserable. The only thing that could keep him going at the time were the copious amounts of drugs at his disposal. He’d smoked weed for years, but having access to Oxy and Fentanyl made it easier to numb himself. Mix that with the best booze money could buy and Oakley was constantly high.
The people he met, the lifestyle he indulged in, the pain he numbed away; it was all bad for him. But he didn’t stop. He got hooked and let himself go. Sex with strangers was his secondary drug and some of it left him in more pain, while the rest of it left him unsatisfied. It was easy to block out the ugly and focus only on the good and that’s what he did.
Until during a session with Kristof he was asked if he had been raped. Then all the chaos in his head came tumbling down.
Four months in and out of rehab, one hundred and twenty days of counseling and Oakley had still been a little nervous about sex. When he finished his final stint in rehab and really got his shit together, he decided to date. He met people, went on multiple first dates and nothing else. At first, he never disclosed he was a recovering addict, so they always ended up in bars. Once he started making that known, less people were interested.
Then he met a fellow addict who charmed his pants off. They dated for three weeks before the subject of sex came up. When Oakley was standing naked in front of him, he had a panic attack. Kristof had to talk him off the ledge and Mia, his sponsor, showed up to clear his apartment of everything that could lead him down that path.
It took him close to two years to meet someone else. Jasper was great, he listened as Oakley explained himself and helped him get comfortable with sex. It was during this time that he discovered having an orgasm was nearly impossible. When he was alone, rubbing one out, he could make himself come. If someone else was touching him, his body would shut down. The shame of his past, the anxiety that came with sex would cause his mind to wander and that would be the end. Getting hard had never been the problem, finding his release…well, that was a struggle. When Jasper broke up with him, he insisted that it wasn’t his delayed orgasm that caused the end of their relationship. To Oakley, that’s exactly what it was.
For years after that, whenever he met people, he’d start thinking about the moment when their relationship would turn sexual. He’d panic and worry about how that person would feel when he couldn’t come. Being charming was easy. It was what came after that didn’t work for him. Oakley liked people and they returned the feeling, but he’d stopped thinking about sex.
Until Clementine made a deal with him.
“Stay with me, kid. Your biggest fear with sex,” Kristof repeated.
Shaking out the dark thoughts in his head, he said, “That I’ll be a disappointment. That she’ll think it’s weird that I have a hard time with my orgasms. That she’ll never want anything to do with me again.”
“That’s a fair reason to be scared. But, and hear me out—” Kristof held his hands up, a small smile on his lips which Oakley returned as he shifted the laptop on his knees ”—what if you’re everything she ever wanted and it completely transforms both your lives?”
“I’m supposed to be the one with the positive outlook, since when do you see the world so brightly?”
Kristof laughed. “Been learning from you, what can I say? And look, I get the fear. It’s been a few years and you like this woman, but it could also be the best thing ever. Right?”
“Right.”
“And push comes to shove, be honest with her. Tell her about your history with sex and how you’ve worked to slowly overcome those things.”
“That will scare the shit out of her, Kris. I don’t want that either.”
“What if it doesn’t? You’ve survived these last few years looking at the positive side of things. Don’t suddenly give up.”
Nodding slowly, he looked at Gracie, now fast asleep in his lap. He knew that Clementine wouldn’t judge his history, but he was also fucking terrified of what it would mean if she saw him differently. People did crazy things when they were grieving and some survived, some didn’t. He persisted and Kristof had helped him get to where he was today.
“Have you considered that maybe she’s nervous too? People make sex out to be this thing that everyone must do and enjoy, but there are no hard and fast rules about it. The great thing about intimacy with another person is that you can often learn how to enjoy it together. Make it personal, make it about the two of you. Forget everyone else, forget everything else . This is only about you and her.”
He blew out a breath and repeated that to himself— it’s only about me and her —as Kristof watched him through the laptop screen.
“You can always change your mind, you know that, right?”
Oakley nodded and dragged a hand through Gracie’s fur. “For the first time in years, I met someone who lights me up. I haven’t been unhappy or sad or lost, but I haven’t been living. I’ve been trying to live with all the traveling and the charity work and the tattoos. But that’s not what it was. When I met her, it felt like a switch had been flipped. All my wires sparked to life, tiny bursts of electricity are running through me. I never want this feeling to go away.”
Kristof offered him a smile and nodded. “But when that starts to fade or you’re ever uncomfortable, make sure you step away.”
“Yeah.” Even he knew that sounded half-hearted.
With a look of concern, Kristof said, “We have some time left, if you want to tell me why you haven’t been living .”
Oakley made a face, because of course he would latch onto that. How did you explain to someone that you went through the motions every single day, but didn’t really register what you were doing? He knew that if he said that his therapist would schedule another session right away. Kristof was often worried that Oakley was faking being happy, but the truth was that he’d chosen to be happy a few years ago.
During a group session, he’d looked around the circle and realized that it was easy to wallow and live in the darkest parts of his life. He could relive the death of his family, the loss of his surfing career and everything that followed. Or he could pick himself up and move forward. The counselor kept reminding them to go slow, not rush into something new. He took that to heart and gradually found things in life that made him happy. He made new friends, he discovered tattoos, he helped the people of San Clemente and most of all, he found himself.
Being happy was a choice, and one that he made. He wasn’t using it as a disguise, because he still had low days. As a recovering addict, Oakley couldn’t be prescribed anxiety meds, which meant that he had to deal with the rough times in his own way. Over time he decided that it was easier to smile than not, a safe way to get his dose of dopamine. He knew that his optimism sometimes annoyed people, but it was just how he lived his life now.
“Maybe next time,” he teased, laughing at the sour expression on Kristof’s face. Before he could say anything else, the alarm went off on the other end. “Today was good, Kris. Thank you.”
“When she gets in touch and you follow through, if you need to talk it out, gimme a call.”
“I will. Enjoy your evening.”
His therapist raised a hand and Oakley nodded before closing his laptop and tossing it to the side. Gracie huffed at the disturbance and slid off his lap, going straight for her bed. He slumped back and closed his eyes. This thing with Clementine could be fun and different from what he was imagining it to be. It could be everything he wanted, if only she would fucking call.
Four days and counting, and he was still staring a hole into his phone. Everybody at work knew he was on edge and they saw him staring at his phone enough to know that he was waiting for something. He usually kept his phone on vibrate while he worked, but he refused to, just in case Clementine did call or text. He didn’t want to miss it.
He was convincing himself that it wasn’t him, that she was busy. But it was hard to fully believe that too. He hadn’t even gone to the bakery in the last four days, because he didn’t want to make it seem like he was being pushy. Kristof had texted that morning for an update and all he had to say was: Any day now.
Not that he believed it.
Thankfully he had a big tattoo to work on. A firefighter who had walked out of yet another fire wanted something to cover up the scars and it was instantly added to Oakley’s list of favorite designs. While some might call it cliché, a phoenix rising out of flames was a great definition of Lucas. He was famous for many reasons: he was handsome, he’d saved tons of people and their homes, and he was also known for walking in and out of burning buildings quite casually. The newspaper had featured him the previous week, calling him The Man on Fire, and Lucas was using that as inspiration.
At Lucas’ first session, Oakley had done the basic outline, which had taken him close to three hours. They’d spent the whole time talking and swapping stories about life and everything in between. That day, they were filling in as much as possible. Carin was helping out, so they could get more done.
“He thinks I’m going to regret this,” Lucas said, his voice slightly muffled because he was lying face down on the table.
“What do you think?” Carin asked, working on one wing of the phoenix while Oakley worked on the other side.
“I’m glad I’m doing it. It covers the scars, but also comforts me.”
“How many fires is this now?” Oakley asked.
Lucas chuckled. “That’s not important. You know what I want to know about…” he trailed off and Oakley winced, because he knew what was coming.
Carin scoffed. “Oakley doesn’t like talking about it.”
“Why not? What happened?”
Shooting Carin a glare, he took the opportunity to stretch and groaned before he returned to work on Lucas’ back.
“We kissed. That’s all that happened.”
“You kissed?! I didn’t know about this,” Carin gasped, pausing their work to frown at him.
“Same day Everleigh and Lachlan came in.”
“Oh shit, did you kiss her to sleep or something? Because I saw her passed out on the couch in the break room.”
Oakley rolled his eyes and caught himself, chuckling when he realized it was the most Clementine thing ever. Carin and Lucas looked at him with matching frowns, so he sighed and waved them off.
“She’s been busy, so we haven’t seen each other since then.”
“You’ve been broody, sunshine,” Carin said with a smirk.
“Because I have to put up with assholes like you and Fox on a daily basis.”
Lucas laughed and Carin grumbled. For the next hour, the three of them laughed and joked about everything but Clementine. She was always there in the back of his mind, though. He didn’t know how to shake her off. After that kiss, and before if he was honest, she’d earned herself a spot in his mind, no matter what kind of situation he found himself in.
When they finished for the day, he wiped Lucas’ back clean and spread ointment all over his skin. With everything wrapped up and protected, they helped the firefighter back into his clothes and saw him out. Oakley was cleaning his workstation when his phone pinged really loudly, echoing through the shop. His heart stalled and he took a minute to catch his breath as two more pings came through. Instead of rushing to check his phone, he finished wiping everything down, tossed the used gloves and tissues into the trash can.
When he was breathing normally, he reached for his phone and his stomach tightened at Clementine’s name. He opened the texts, a smile stretching over his mouth as he read her messages.
Clementine
Fifteen minutes.
*sends address*
It’s the house with the bright yellow front door.
He didn’t bother to reply, just left her on Read and then raced through the process of shutting down for the day. Grabbing his jacket and bag, Oakley rushed out of the shop and into his Jeep. He forced himself to calm the fuck down, because his hands were shaking. Loading the GPS with her address, he started his Jeep and attempted to calm his racing heart as he drove.
As the robotic voice directed him, he reminded himself of everything he and Kristof had talked about. He could change his mind, he could take it easy and hell, maybe she’d taken so long because she was nervous too. When he pulled up into the driveway of a gorgeous townhouse with a bright yellow door, Oakley grabbed his phone and called his dog sitter.
When he started working at A Fine Needle, he was bringing Gracie in every day, but knew that it wouldn’t work out long term. So Auburn offered her cousin to help out. Deana came by thrice a day to check on Gracie, feed and walk her. And on the days when he was going to be late, she stayed with his dog. Thanks to her flexible schedule, Deana rarely had issues showing up last minute when he called. Like that evening. Oakley had no idea what would happen that night, but he wanted someone to be there with Gracie either way.
Once Deana confirmed that she was on the way, he hopped out of the Jeep, not bothering with his jacket. That was one less thing to take off later. He ran his hands over his clothes before ringing the bell, then waited the longest four minutes of his life before the door swung open to reveal Clementine.
Sweet fucking god .
She was a vision and he didn’t know where to put his eyes first. Maybe everywhere and then follow it with his hands.