Chapter 24
CHAPTER 24
I t had been days since the most incredible and powerful night of his life and Oakley was still replaying it constantly. The way she held him, the softness in her eyes as she watched him—he never imagined to find love of that kind in this lifetime. After losing his parents, struggling with his addiction and rehab following that; feeling like he belonged was unreal.
“Sorry about pushing the session back twice, kid. You holding up okay?” Kristof said as soon as the call connected.
Oakley nodded, unable to stop smiling. “I had an orgasm.”
He’d spent the morning running through different ways to talk about that night. How to tell Kristof what had happened. How to explain that he’d finally broken through the one barrier that had made him miserable for years. In the week since, he’d had two more. It didn’t happen every time, but when it did he would collapse into her arms as she clung to him. Clementine reminded him that it wasn’t something to fix, but something to figure out. Together. And boy, did she figure out all of his buttons.
His therapist leaned back with a wide smile.
“And?”
“The first time…” he sighed and recalled the moments that followed the not-so-dry humping. “I wept like a fucking baby. She held me through it. God, she held me through the whole thing.”
“Do you feel relieved? Excited? Confused? What’s going on in your head?”
Pursing his lips, he tried to gather his thoughts and make sense of it all. How did he feel? After crying in her arms, he’d been embarrassed. In the days since then, it felt incredible to know that this woman would be there with him no matter what. She always offered to help him get there, but some days it was hard to climb out of his head, so she would let him do it alone.
“All of the above, I think. I know you’ll be upset with me for saying this, but that first night, I was so glad that I wasn’t broken.” He didn’t look at his screen as he said the words, already visualizing Kristof’s displeased expression. “It’s been years since I’ve been comfortable enough to let a partner see me that vulnerable, but with her…I know it’s okay to fall apart, to cry and to feel broken. Because she doesn’t judge me for it or expect something else. She wants me.”
“What do you want?”
“Her.”
Kristof snorted and Gracie hopped onto the couch to peer at the screen. When she saw that it was a therapy session, she settled, head resting on Oakley’s thigh.
“You know what scares me?” At his therapist’s nod, Oakley continued, “Every time I’m ready to admit my feelings, she says or does something that makes me stop. That night, we talked and agreed to be more, right? But neither of us said what more meant. Then after a pretty insensitive moment on my part, I was trying to make up for it and she pulled out a vibrator instead. I know she likes me, but I don’t know how she really feels. Am I being foolish by holding on to something that might not become more?”
Sensing his distress, Gracie climbed into his lap to set her paws on his chest, effectively blocking his view of Kristof.
His therapist chuckled and said, “Thank you, Gracie. But let me ask you something. Why haven’t you told her how you feel?”
“I don’t want her to panic and run away.”
“Will she do that?”
Smoothing back Gracie’s fur, he kissed her head and shrugged as she curled up in his lap. “I don’t know. She’s a little wary and based on her history, I get it. She also flat out told me that it’s scary.”
The look in her eyes had broken his heart. Whatever that asshole had made her feel before ripping it away had fractured something in her. Most people talked about crushes like they were a phase, but he knew that for Clementine they were so much more. He never wanted her to feel like she didn’t have that control or space to explore things on her terms, but he also didn’t want to not tell her how she made him feel.
“Then you just have to wait for her to be ready, kid.”
And what if she’s never ready for me? Instead of voicing his thoughts, he nodded. Oakley kept his eyes on Gracie, but he could feel Kristof watching him.
“Have you been to a meeting recently?”
“Going to one today,” he said. His phone had very politely reminded him about this session and the meeting later in the day.
“Good. What else is going on with you?”
“I miss them,” he admitted softly. “The other day, I was thinking about how much they would love Clementine. How Dad would be the first in line at her bakery. And I realized that I haven’t stopped to think about them in a while, felt guilty and hated myself for it.”
“Do you still feel guilty?”
“No. I know that thinking about them all the time isn’t healthy. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place. But also, yes? It feels like I’m moving on.”
“You’re moving forward , kid. Your family is always going to be a part of you, no matter where you go or what changes your life goes through. But moving forward is crucial. Staying where you were when I met you would be unfair to you and your recovery.”
He swallowed hard, an argument was on the tip of his tongue. But he didn’t voice it, because he was so fucking proud of himself and the journey he’d taken. He could have refused help, he could have wallowed for the rest of his life and never gotten his shit together. He could have stayed in San Clemente a sad shell of himself.
Instead, he traveled everywhere, experiencing what each city and town had to offer. He met some of the most interesting people.
Most importantly, he’d fallen in love.
How could he not be grateful for the changes he’d made for himself when all of it led him to Clementine?
“I can’t tell if you’re zoning out or thinking about her, because your eyes are glazed over,” Kristof said, interrupting his chaotic train of thoughts.
He smiled. “Always thinking of her. But you’re right, moving forward. It’s what my parents would want, it’s what is right for me. I just miss them, you know?”
“And that’s not a bad thing. There’s all these big, great, happy things happening in your life. It’s normal to wish they were there to witness it, to see you experience all of this.”
“Are you going to say they’re watching me from heaven?”
Kristof scoffed. “Fuck, no. You and I know that shit like that doesn’t comfort anybody.”
He laughed, head tipped back against the couch. “I’m good, otherwise. Work’s been great. I uh…designed a few for myself.”
Curiosity was laced in his voice when Kristof asked, “What kind of tattoos?”
“You know…dedicated to someone special.”
It hadn’t been planned. He had a quiet afternoon a couple of days ago and instead of going to see her, he’d sketched. When he took a break, he saw the collection of baked goods in his notebook. Even though he knew where they’d go on his skin, Oakley had no plans to get the tattoos until he was certain they were headed in that direction.
“Don’t worry, they’re just in my notebook right now.”
Kristof was quiet for a moment, watching him cautiously. “I want you to do something for me before our next session. Have a conversation about your ship , whatever form it may be. You don’t have to tell her about your feelings, but get an understanding for both your sakes.”
Oakley made a face, but nodded. “Okay.”
“See you next week, kid. Bye, Gracie!”
His pup barked and when the call disconnected, hopped off the couch with a heavy sigh.
“Oh, are you tired from baring your soul?” he asked his dog, who continued to ignore him. “What a cushy life you have—eat, sleep, worry about me for five seconds, poop, pee, eat and sleep some more. I bet it’s not even as boring as I made it sound.”
Gracie lifted her head briefly, licked his ankle and then scampered away. Leaving him alone with his thoughts.
After a quick shower, he replenished Gracie’s bowls and straightened up his apartment. Grateful that it was a day off, Oakley hopped into his Jeep and went to an NA meeting. Ever since he found this one in Allenwood, the town over, he’d been stopping by at least once a week. He’d been far more regular in San Clemente, but his schedule wasn’t as flexible. At least he was showing up and that was enough.
Held in the large main room of a former mansion, chairs were set up in a circle and people were talking as they stood at the refreshments table. Oakley waved at the lady who ran the meetings, poured himself a coffee and grabbed a cookie—both of which were subpar, but something to keep his hands occupied. The board at the entrance said that the hour-long meeting included time to share, but as always it was voluntary. Once everyone was settled, the meeting kicked off.
Often, he found himself on the verge of tears as he listened to other addicts talk about their journeys. It didn’t matter how long they were under the influence, the things they’d done would always haunt them. Since he’d shared in the last meeting, Oakley only listened that day. He could provide support to anyone who needed it, because he could relate to so many of the stories. It was never easy, on either side, but it was comforting to hear what everyone was doing to recover.
When the session ended, he sent a quick text to his sponsor to let her know that he was on the right track. He was two years away from being ten years sober and every meeting he attended was a reminder of how far he’d come. Then with a fresh cup of coffee—the good kind, made by a skilled barista—he set out to do something nice for the woman who took up all of his thinking space.
His first stop was Daisy’s Patch. When he was a teenager, he’d always buy tiny bouquets for his family, even his father. It was why he’d covered his entire right arm in lilies, as a symbol of the love he had for them. For years, he’d attached his loss to flowers and avoided them as much as possible. Since he and Clementine started spending time together, he’d been at the flower shop regularly. Thanks to his previous visits, it didn’t take him too long to grab a bunch of carnations in different colors.
Unexpectedly, he took a few wrong turns before he arrived at The Hive. Grover took great pleasure in teasing him about it.
“You got lost, didn’t you?”
“Your directions weren’t very good,” he countered, paying for his purchases.
“The whole point of this place is that it’s hidden away. Defeats the purpose otherwise.”
With a chuckle, Oakley thanked the proprietor and left. Even though he’d agreed to help Grover with some art, he hadn’t actually come by the café in a while. That day, he made sure to get the Reuben, since he knew Clementine loved it, and two new romance novels.
The whole drive to the bakery, Oakley was smiling. He was glad that he’d admitted his feelings to someone, because every time he was alone with Clementine, the words bubbled to the surface. He constantly tamped them down. Assuming that she would feel the same way about him was silly. He didn’t want to scare her off. Given that she had been on his mind all day, doing something small for her seemed like the right thing.
Except for one lamp, everything else was turned off in the bakery. Frowning, he glanced at the time and wondered if he should have texted before he showed up. He grabbed everything and walked up to the door. He started to knock, then changed his mind and twisted the knob, unsurprised that it was unlocked. Sighing, he stepped inside as the bell chimed and called out as he walked further into the bakery.
“We’ve talked about you and locking doors, babe!” He heard loud whispering, followed by giggles and froze when two women appeared in front of him. “Uh, hi?”
“You look familiar,” the one with dark brown skin and a bright tattoo sleeve said.
“Oakley. We um…we met at um…the Christmas party?”
The other woman, curvy and striking, snapped her fingers. “That’s right! I’m Ginny, this is Daisy.”
“Yeah, I remember.” Breathing was a little unsteady, he was ready to back away when Clementine stepped out from the kitchen. Any hopes of catching his breath failed at the sight of her. Dark green tapered pants clung to her legs, with a white shirt tucked into the waist. The collar and top three buttons were open, giving him a delicious view of her chest. Her dark hair was loose and tumbling over her shoulders, making her brown eyes pop as she lifted an eyebrow in his direction.
Can’t believe I’m the lucky son of a bitch that gets to be with her.
“What are your intentions with our friend?” Daisy asked, hands planted on her hips.
He tore his eyes away from Clementine and looked between the two women. “Uh…only the good kind?”
“You’ll treat her well?” Ginny asked, inching even closer.
He swallowed. “Like a queen.”
Daisy gestured to the flowers. “Are those from my shop?”
“Yes ma’am. Only the best for Clementine.”
“Okay, that’s enough. Stop scaring him,” Clementine said as she walked towards them.
“Wanted to make sure he’s worthy.” Daisy narrowed her eyes.
“He’s cute, so that’s one point in his favor. Nice tattoos too, so more points,” Ginny added. “But is he worthy?”
“For fuck’s sake, he’s worthy.”
His heart did a funny dance at the confirmation. Swallowing again, because his mouth felt so dry, he focused on Clementine as she waved her friends off. Ginny and Daisy laughed as they backed away, but made sure to point at their eyes and then at him. He grimaced, because holy shit they were small but fierce and terrifying.
Clementine stepped into his line of sight. “You good?”
“Totally. I get threatened by the friends of the woman I’m seeing every day.”
“They’re protective, but harmless.”
“Good friends, then.”
“Much like someone else, they forced their way into my life.”
“What can I say, we’ve got good taste,” he said, finally allowing himself to relax. “I should have called before I showed up, instead of assuming you didn’t have plans.”
She pouted. “I’m sorry. They just showed up.”
“It’s all good, sweetheart.” He kissed her forehead, then handed her the bags.
“What’s all this?” She moved to the large table and set everything down, rummaging through the bag from The Hive. “You got Reubens.”
He nodded, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. “I love them and know you do too.”
“Oak, fuck.” Her lips were still curved in a pout, eyes slightly watery.
He wrapped his arms around her. “It’s just sandwiches. And flowers and books.”
“Books?”
“Hmm. Grover got some new ones he said you’d like.”
She turned in his arms and smiled. “You’re special, you know that, right?”
“I mean…I’m okay.” She rolled her eyes and kissed him, which he tried so hard not to turn into something deeper.
“If you’re up for an early morning, we could do some baking.”
“Tomorrow?”
Clementine nodded and his heart was ready to explode as she said, “Yeah, I’ve got some experimenting to do and you can help. We can make a batch of donuts too.”
“I was going to say yes without knowing all the details, but that makes me even more excited.”
“Great. I’ll see you here at five a.m.”
“Yes, chef.” He kissed her again, pulling her as close as she would allow and bumped his nose against hers. “Have fun with your friends.”
“If I don’t kill them for most likely turning my kitchen into a disaster zone first,” she grumbled and he laughed. He struggled to let her go, but he finally stepped back as Daisy and Ginny stuck their heads out of the kitchen.
“Bye, Oakley!” they said in unison and he held a hand up in a wave. When he turned to Clementine, he could see the hint of a smile even though her face was half-buried in the flowers.
“See you tomorrow,” he whispered. Walking out of the bakery, he glanced back to find all three women watching him. He blushed and climbed into his Jeep and backed away before he could do something stupid. The drive home, he focused on the fact that Clementine let him touch and hold her in front of her friends. And said he was worthy. That was enough.