Chapter Four
Wednesday
Joshua:
My head is a carousel of fuck, fuck, fuck.
What the fuck is Bonnie doing here? She was supposed to go to Bristol, and I was supposed to go to Oxford. We weren't meant to end up in the same city, never mind the same university.
She can't be here. Not in my space. Not in my life. Not anywhere close to me at all.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I don't need to check it to know who it is. I silence it through the denim without looking, my jaw tight.
Bonnie is the reason my brother is dead, and if I have to see her face every day, I don't think I'll survive it.
I know everyone thought I was being dramatic when I screamed at her in the middle of school, telling her I'd never forgive her and to stay away from me, but they don't know the truth.
Only I do.
And I vowed to keep the secret for her and for James. I wanted to protect him, even after he was dead. I wanted to keep people from seeing the worst thing he ever did.
My twin brother was sleeping with my first love behind my back.
I’m not even allowed to be angry at him for sleeping with her, because I'm too angry at him for leaving me.
It's been nearly three years, and I still feel like someone pulled the floor out from under me.
I should be getting better by now. The grief should be easing off.
It feels like it's getting worse.
Choosing Lincoln Uni instead of Oxford—which is where I was meant to go with him—was supposed to be my clean slate. But here I am. Right back in the same fucking hell I was shoving behind me.
I hate knowing that if I could have him back, I wouldn't care that he slept with her. I wouldn’t care if they were in love. I wouldn't care about any of it. Every problem in my life would shrink into nothing, because the agony of not having him is bigger than everything else combined.
All I want is my brother back. And it's the one thing I can't have.
Ruby clears her throat after a while, noticing no one has answered her question. I brace myself for her to push, to ask something I can't answer, to force me into a conversation I'm not ready for. But instead, she says, "Has anyone joined a society?"
My gaze snaps to her face. She's changing the subject instead of digging for details. She stood up for me when she didn't have to. Told Bonnie to leave without knowing anything about our history. She took my side without hesitation.
Where the fuck did Brooke find this girl?
"I was thinking about joining the quidditch society myself," she adds, completely straight-faced, not a hint of mockery in her features.
Quidditch? She’s talking about fucking quidditch?
"There's a quidditch society?" Ewan instantly melts into the easier atmosphere. "Are you pulling my leg, Ruby?"
“No.” She shakes her head, glancing at him, her shoulders dropping slightly. “I swear to God, it exists.”
“What?” Brooke sits up straighter, far too invested. “But how do they fly around?”
Ewan looks at her. “You spent six hours getting your hair done the other day and now you want to launch yourself around on a broom?”
Brooke gives him a flat look. “My hair will survive, Ewan.”
“Your mum literally told you she can’t book you another appointment for ages and told you to look after it.”
“I found a girl close by who can do hair. It will be fine.” She turns back to me. “I want to go. It looks fun.”
Listening to Ruby makes the noise in my head ease. The edge inside me dulls, and I find myself relaxing. "How do you know it looks fun if you don't know what it entails?"
Her eyes move to mine, and a warmth spreads through me. "Let me amend my sentence," her lips twitch. "I think it sounded good."
I hear myself say, "We should all join."
"All of us?” Ewan barks, surprised as fuck.
“Including you?" Ruby points at me, dubious. “The boy who doesn’t speak and has been scowling for the last forty minutes?”
"How else would I find out what it's about?"
"Uh," she points directly at her chest and my eyes dart there before I can drag them back up. “Through me."
I swallow, even more aware of how attractive I find her. "What if I were to never see you again?"
"That's not going to happen, Grumpy. Because, in case you forgot, I'm your girlfriend. You're stuck with me."
I bark a laugh, which shocks all of us. "You're not shy, are you, Ruby?"
"Not even slightly. It's my best and worst trait."
"Bit like my scowling.” I cock my head to the side, enjoying the amusement in her face. “My best and worst trait."
She flushes red. "I was only joking about that."
"You weren't." I shake my head a fraction. "I'm renowned for sitting in corners and scowling."
"Renowned?" she echoes.
"Yep," Ewan immediately chimes.
"Renowned," I confirm, shooting him a warning glare. I love my best friend, but he takes it too far with the jokes sometimes.
Ruby takes a sip of her coffee, even though it must be cold by now. "Well, if it helps, you're not scowling now."
My smile widens. Ewan must think I’m losing the plot, smiling this much, willingly chatting. "Am I not? Must be your lack of shyness."
"Is that right?" she leans back slightly in her chair, her grin turning playful. "So, you'd say I'm rubbing off on you already?" She flicks her hand between us. "Maybe we'll be a great duo, Josh."
My pulse jumps in my throat. My hand tightens around my cup. I forget how to swallow and end up staring at her like a creep.
Ruby winks at me and I feel my stomach clench. "What position would you play?"
Fuck.
What were we talking about? What position is she talking about? In my life? In my bed? Where?
What?
"I—uh—" My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth. "Huh?"
"In quidditch," she smiles wider. "What position would you play?" She moves to rest her elbows on the table, placing her head in her hands and cocking it to the side. "Let me guess... seeker? Or are you more of a keeper?"
Ewan chokes on his drink, spluttering like he's been hit by a bus, and Brooke goes to kick him under the table but misses and punts my shin instead. I hiss under my breath, folding in my chair.
Ruby doesn't acknowledge it. She watches me with that same amused, knowing expression. Can she tell I'm already attracted to her? Is she attracted to me?
I don't believe someone who looks like her would ever look twice at someone like me. My phone buzzes twice against my leg under the table. I reach down and, take it out, and turn it off, though Ewan's eyes flick to the movement for half a second before he lets it go.
Clearing my throat, I try to form something resembling a sentence. "I... don't know the positions."
"That's okay. I guess we'll find out when we sign up."
"Wait." Ewan holds a hand up, looking between us like we've grown horns. "You're not being serious, right? You're not actually going to sign up for quidditch soc?”
Ruby points her finger in a slow circle around the table. "We all are."
"No way, José. I have a reputation to protect."
Brooke rolls her eyes. "I'll sign up, and if I sign up, he will too."
Ewan is indignant. "What if it clashes with football?"
"You're joining the team?" Ruby asks.
"I'm going for try-outs on Friday," I nod.
"You should've said. Oscar is running the try-outs. He's captain of the Firsts."
"Uh, yeah. I know."
"Wow." She sits back, impressed. "You've got a seriously good poker face. You'd never have known you recognised him."
I let out a small breath. "Didn't think it was relevant."
"He's going to like you," Ruby declares.
"Who is?"
"Oscar. He's got a thing about strays."
I frown. "Strays?"
“Yeah.”
“What does that mean?”
“Don’t worry about it.” She shakes her head, corners of her mouth tipped up. “Just know that he will like you.”
"You don't even know if I can play well."
Her eyes trail down me, and I swear my spine straightens. "You can play. You’re a good player.”
"Do you have a talent for knowing if someone can play football by looking at them?"
Ruby lifts one shoulder in a small, confident shrug. "Pretty much, yeah."
“Right.” I'm totally disarmed by her. Never has a girl spoken to me like this or treated me like this, and it’s sexy whilst being deeply endearing.
Brooke jumps in like she’s been waiting for the perfect moment to stir the pot. “Well, you’ll have to text her now, won’t you? Give her your number.”
Ewan snorts. “Subtle, babe.”
“Who has the time for subtle in this day and age?” Brooke says, without a hint of shame.
I swivel towards them in shock. This meddlesome pair are going to be the death of me one day.
“Yeah, Josh.” Ruby’s voice is taunting slightly. “Let me give you my number.” She holds her hand out, palm up, expectant. "Give me your phone and I'll put it in. You can spend a few days deliberating over whether to text me or not."
I laugh under my breath as I slide my phone out of my pocket, discreetly turning it back on and hoping all the notifications from Bonnie don’t jump on the screen. "What if you decide you don't want to text me back?"
"You'll have to text me first to find out," she says, taking the phone from my hand with no hesitation.
"But I'm counting on you not leaving me high and dry for quidditch.
" With a small smile she punches her number into my phone before handing it back to me.
"If you ditch me, Josh, I'll freeze my own pee and post it through your letterbox, and when you get home, you'll be forced to stand in my urine. "
Brooke’s mouth drops open. “Ruby! Oh my God, that is disgusting. What the hell?”
Ruby shrugs. "I'm being so dead serious."
Words find me slowly. "That...what?”
She gets to her feet, slinging her bag over one shoulder.
"Actions have consequences and I'm trusting you'll do the right thing.
Five days from now, I'll be standing at Quidditch Soc thinking, I hope Josh isn't going to let me down.
" Ruby tucks her curls behind one ear and winks at me "Text me later, Grumpy. "
My eyes glide down the full length of her. Beautiful. "I, uh... yeah. I will?"
"You will." She beams. Then she turns to Brooke. "Thanks for inviting me. See you at halls later?"
Brooke lights up. "Yeah—yeah, of course."
She walks off, and I watch her go. I feel starstruck and a little bit in awe.
Ewan waits until she's out of earshot before leaning forward, smirking like the worst kind of devil. "I think she asked you on a date, mate."
My head snaps towards him. "No, she asked us to go as a group."
"Notice how she didn't ask for my number?"
I snort. "Because you have a girlfriend. Who is sat right here.”
He waggles his eyebrows. "Exactly."