Chapter Thirty
Thursday
Joshua:
I make it back to the flat in three minutes. I literally tear through the streets of Lincoln at the mere threat of Ruby never speaking to me again. I’ve no idea if she was being serious, but I’m not willing to test how far she’ll go to prove a point.
Ewan has given me half an hour before he leaves with or without me, in my own car, which means I’ve got roughly fifteen minutes to undo the fact I snuck out of my own flat like a complete coward, say goodbye to the girl I nearly kissed last night, and somehow leave her again before getting into the car knowing I’m not going to see my favourite person for two whole fucking weeks.
Piece of piss.
I take the stairs two at a time, accidentally barging the shoulder of some guy coming down, I throw out a rushed apology and keep going until I reach the landing.
When I get into the flat, I find Ruby wandering out of my bedroom in my black The xx T-shirt and nothing else.
It frazzles me. Her hair is a state from sleeping on it and her bare legs are stretching out beneath a hem that sits far higher on her than it ever has on me.
She’s got the flask of tea tucked against her stomach with both hands and there’s a faint crease running down one cheek from my pillow.
I stand inside the doorway with my still caught between my fingers, looking at her in my clothes, in my flat, after she’s spent the night in my bed, and suddenly fifteen minutes feels borderline offensive.
Ruby slows when she sees me, and the annoyance she was throwing at me over text doesn’t quite make it onto her face. “You came back.”
I close the door behind me and drop my keys onto the little table. “You threatened me.”
She rolls her eyes. “I was being dramatic.”
“Yeah. Well… I wasn’t taking the risk.”
My eyes trail down the full length of her body and I feast on her.
Fuck.
She has me starving and she has no idea.
I feel like I am always, always, always hungry when it comes to her. Not even for that physical shit, although right now, with the way she looks I’m definitely thinking about all that.
But I just want her. Her attention, her softness, the way she looks at me when she thinks I’m not paying attention, the stupid little comments she throws at me when she knows I’m in a mood, the texts that light up my phone and make whatever shit day I’m having instantly less shit.
I live off the scraps of it, stupid little moments that probably mean nothing to her but mean everything to me, and telling her the truth about how much I want her, how desperately I need her, sits in my chest constantly like it’s trying to claw its way out.
She has no fucking idea.
No idea her existence makes mine easier, that she’s the reason I don’t mind waking up on days I otherwise wouldn’t have bothered with, or that the grey wolf that has spent years snipping and snarling has fucked off back to his cage lately and sometimes I genuinely think it’s only because she seeks me out.
And now I have to leave her.
It’s unbearable.
Ruby is watching me watch her, her eyes narrowing slightly when I make no attempt to hide the fact I’m drinking her in. One corner of her mouth pulls up. “Are you going to stand there staring or what?”
“So what if I am?”
She frowns. “Don’t be a weirdo.”
“You look fucking good, Rubes. I love it when you wear my clothes.”
Ruby’s mouth opens a little and her eyes drop to the T-shirt. “You do?”
“Yeah.” I take a tentative step forward. “A lot.”
Ruby frowns. “What is happening? Why are you looking at me like you’re trying to memorise me?”
“Maybe I am.”
“Are you feeling alright? You’re behaving a bit nutty.”
I laugh. “Am I?”
“Kind of.” Her eyes narrow. “You’re freaking me out.”
“You’re a headcase.”
“Josh, you’re sweaty because you’ve sprinted over here and you look a bit like you’ve never seen a woman before. All caveman and Neanderthal-like. Not to mention you’re creeping towards me and saying strange things about me being in your clothes.”
“All I said is that I like you in my clothes.”
She shifts the flask into one hand when I take another step towards her, tracking me with increasingly suspicious eyes. “I’m sorry but why are you walking like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like a three legged cat who wants to skulk about.”
I snort. “What the fuck does that even mean?”
“It means you’re moving weirdly.” She shifts sideways when I take another step, eyeing me like I’m a stranger. “Slow and suspicious.”
“I’m walking.”
“No, you’re prowling.”
“Make your mind up. Am I a cat or a caveman?”
“You can be a caveman cat. I’m not limiting you.”
“Ah, cheers.”
“No worries.” She points the flask at me when I get closer. “And now you’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Coming towards me.”
“Rubes, there are only so many places I can go in my own flat.”
“Well, to be honest, you could stay over there.”
“Yeah,” I take another step. “I suppose I could do.”
“You’re being so fucking weird right now. And you’re smiling. I can see your teeth.”
“A guy can’t smile these days?”
She backs up, talking faster while I keep coming.
“I’m still annoyed with you, so if this is some bizarre attempt at distracting me, it isn’t going to work.
You left me asleep in your bed with a card and fucked off to sit in my bedroom.
I still haven’t worked out why any sane person would get their friend that many presents—” She breaks off as her back hits the wall next to my bedroom door.
“Oh.” Ruby glances over her shoulder, then looks back at me through slits.
“Well, that’s fucking brilliant. Now I’m trapped. ”
“You’re not trapped.” I stop in front of her, forcing her to tip her head back to look at me.
The fact she doesn’t move sideways even though she could goes straight to my head, and suddenly all I can think about is getting closer until there isn’t any fucking space left between us.
My voice is husky. “You backed yourself into a wall.”
“Because you keep coming towards me like some sort of feral animal.” She presses the flask tighter against her stomach.
“I was in the middle of making a point about the presents, because fourteen presents is not normal friendship behaviour, Josh. It’s really insane when you think about it.
I know you’re going to try and do that thing where you act like it’s no big deal but—”
Taking her flask, I drop it onto the side table.
Ruby’s eyes narrow. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, Joshua Hardy, but I was enjoying that. Whatever you are trying to do, it isn’t going to work.”
“What is it I’m trying to do?” I’d quite like the answer myself.
“You’re trying to distract me.” She informs me. “You’re doing that thing where you get all intense and weird instead of answering a simple question, and I’m not letting you get away with it this time because last night you told me you’d chosen me, then we nearly kissed, then you left me and—”
I put my hands on her waist and her words cease for just a second, but Ruby being Ruby, she ploughs straight on.
Her hazel eyes drop briefly to where I’m holding her before snapping back to mine.
“—and now you’re touching me, which is exactly the kind of mixed-signal bullshit I was talking about because you cannot keep doing boyfriend things while insisting you’re not my boyfriend, and if this is another attempt to confuse me into forgetting what I was saying then—”
I pull her into me, making sure her body lands flush against mine, sexy and hot and so fucking close. I hear the sharp little breath she takes and the thud of my own heart under her hands.
Ruby goes rigid with surprise, palms flattening against my chest as her eyes drop between us. “What are you doing?” she demands, but she doesn’t move away, doesn’t shove me back, just stands there staring up at me with her lips parted and her fingers beginning to curl into my jumper.
I look at her mouth, then back at her eyes, my hands tightening at her waist while her breathing turns quicker against my chest, and I know she knows what I want because her gaze drops to my lips and stays there.
“Seriously, Josh. What is going on? Are you—”
“Ruby,” I murmur, leaning closer until there’s barely an inch between us and her chin tips up towards me, “will you shut up and fucking kiss me?”
Her eyes widen. “What? Like right now?”
A laugh tears out of me. “No, Ruby. I thought we could pencil it in for some time after Christmas.”
“Oh, well I’m free in the New Year—”
“Shut. Up.”
“No.”
“I guess I’ll have to shut you up myself.” I lean down and kiss her, and every stupid thing I thought I understood about wanting someone turns out to be complete bollocks.
Ruby makes this tiny, startled noise into my mouth, like she can’t believe I’ve finally done it, and then her fingers clutch hard at the front of my jumper, and she kisses me back with enough force I groan.
Her hands slide up my chest, over my shoulders, around my neck, and I swear I feel the exact point where months of holding myself away from her finally collapse under the weight of having her this close.
I’ve thought about kissing her more times than I’d ever admit.
In the library when she’s chewing the end of a pen.
In the pub when she laughs so hard she goes pink.
In my bed when she’s asleep beside me and I’m staring at the ceiling trying not to be the kind of prick who thinks about her like that.
None of those versions got it right, though, because none of them accounted for how quickly Ruby would ruin me once she kissed me back.
My hand slides up her back beneath the loose cotton of my T-shirt, stopping at the warm strip of skin above her knickers, and the contact turns me feral.
Ruby shivers against me, one hand tangling into the hair at the back of my head while the other stays curled against my neck, and the wall behind her is the only reason I trust either of us to remain upright.
Fuck me.