Chapter Thirty-Seven #3
“And whose fault is that?” I converge on him, too hurt to keep holding it all back.
“You can’t keep using things I don’t know as an excuse when you’re the person choosing not to tell me.
I don’t know why Bonnie matters this much because you won’t tell me.
I don’t know what happened yesterday because you won’t tell me.
I don’t know why finding out about me made you stop breathing because you won’t tell me.
I don’t know anything because you chose to keep me ignorant and I kept trusting you!
” I wipe my cheeks and force myself to walk straight past him.
“I can’t keep doing all the work for both of us.
I can’t keep dragging every feeling out of you and then telling myself the scraps mean more because I want them to.
I’m not doing it anymore Josh.” I start heading towards the stairs. “It’s over. We’re done.”
“I don’t want this to be over.” He sounds like a broken little boy and my heart snaps clean in two.
“Then maybe you should’ve thought about that before lying to my face and hiding your ex in your bedroom.
” I spin around and glare as he struggles to pull himself together.
“Do you even know that I’m in love with you?
Are you even aware how much I feel for you?
It consumes me to the point of pain, and you don’t even think I’m worthy of a text back.
” I’m openly crying now. “Every time you push me away, I make another excuse for you because I love you.”
Josh bows his head, consumed by the same pain I am.
“You wanted to know what I needed? That was it. I needed you to let me in. I needed you to trust me with the ugly bits too. I needed to stop feeling like I was standing outside some locked room in your head while Bonnie had a fucking key.”
“That isn’t what this is. You have to believe me.”
“I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you.
I think you used me as a distraction, and now the thing you want is in your bed.
” I am going insane with all the grief and pain slamming into me.
I want him to see me, to comfort me, to fucking help me.
“I’m tired, Josh. I’m so fucking tired of loving you more loudly than you love me.
I want the person I love to be so obvious about it that it isn’t even a question.
I want to be adored.” I turn away from him and start down the stairs before I lose my nerve, gripping the banister because my legs still feel weak.
Josh is trailing after me. “Rubes, please. I don’t want you to leave like this.”
“There is no other way to leave this, Josh.” I don’t know how I get my coat on, or when I pick Oscar’s car keys up.
But I force myself to stop at the door, keeping my back to him.
“You know how I feel now. You know I’m in love with you.
I hope to God you find what it is you need to be happy.
Because I would give everything to see you happy. ”
Josh makes this awful, strangled noise behind me. “Please don’t say goodbye like this.”
I turn towards him slowly. If this is the last time I’m going to stand in front of him like this, I need to see him.
He looks devastated, eyes red and hair a mess from dragging his hands through it and loving him is so fucking painful that I almost wish I could switch it off.
“I’m not angry that you can’t give me what I want.
I’m angry that you kept taking what I gave you when you knew you couldn’t give it back. ”
“That’s not—” His voice cracks and he stops, swallowing hard. “Fuck, Ruby. I can give it back.”
“No, you can’t. You know you can’t. It’s not even that you can’t. You won’t. You don’t want to.”
He shakes his head frantically. “No, it’s not like that.
” Josh stares at me with tears sitting in his eyes and his whole body wound tight, and I wait because I’m an idiot.
Because even now, with Bonnie asleep upstairs and my coat on and my hand practically on the door, some tiny part of me thinks this might be the moment he finally opens up to me.
But I think he really is incapable of it, because nothing comes out of his mouth. There’s no declaration. He doesn’t tell me he loves me too. He isn’t even really fighting for me.
My heart smashes into a thousand tiny pieces. “Take care of yourself, Josh.”
“Rubes, please. Let me catch my breath and explain it all.”
I pull the door open and the freezing air rushes inside. “No. You had so many chances and I can’t do it anymore.” I step over the threshold. “Goodbye.”
I don’t wait to hear what he says back. I walk down the steps with tears pouring down my face, unlock Oscar’s car and climb inside, slamming the door behind me before my legs completely give out. Josh doesn’t follow me out, and I’m grateful because I’m not strong enough to keep walking away.
I sit there crying with both hands gripping the steering wheel, staring at the house where the boy I love is standing and the girl I think he loves is sleeping in his bed.
Then I start Oscar’s car and leave him there