Chapter Twenty-Two #2
“Oh, they think I’m growing. That being open enough to actually develop feelings means I’ve finally passed some threshold I was holding myself back from.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“Why?” She scrubbed a hand over her head. “Don’t answer that.”
“Because you can see it too?”
“Yes. Jesus. Let’s just say that, if I ever did imagine myself becoming interested in someone, I didn’t anticipate it throwing up this much shit from my past.”
“Oh, I actually think that’s a good thing.” Ruby gestured towards Barrett with her taco, and that was the only thing that softened the delivery, because nothing serious was ever said when accompanied by a waving taco. Surely?
“What?”
“Iris is going through some stuff right now, right? You’ve both got shitty stuff in your pasts. This way, it’s all out there upfront. You can decide if you can handle it. It throws up your shit. You get to see if Iris can show up for you too.”
“She shouldn’t have to. She’s the one struggling.”
“You are too. It’s not a trading system. In all relationships, you might both be going through stuff at the same time. In healthy relationships, you can show up for each other. You can be in it together.”
“It’s not that bad for me. I’m just… being ridiculous.”
Ruby looked deeply skeptical, just as she always was when Barrett tried to play down her feelings.
“Your siblings aren’t to blame, they were kids so they didn’t realize what they were doing, but your mom?
She was going through stuff, sure, but so were you.
And she just let you keep going through it without showing up for you.
She needed you to show up for her, to do things for her, and she ignored what you needed.
That’s what fucked you up. But you’re going through stuff right now, and you’re still showing up for Iris. ”
“Well, yes, but…” There were so many buts.
Iris wasn’t destitute. Neither of them were in danger of losing their homes, jobs, kids, lives.
It wasn’t the same. Because Barrett had been a kid and her mom had been an adult that just checked out on her.
Her dad, even worse. He just upped and left.
But, in so many ways, it was. The principle was the same.
It often felt worse with her mom, because she was actually there.
She saw how much Barrett was struggling and she pretended not to.
She ignored it to tell Barrett to pick up another shift, to make food, to complain about the mess in the house when Barrett was just a kid, keeping other kids alive and doing her best. Their dads just fled.
They didn’t obviously demand things from Barrett, but their absence did.
If just one of them had stuck around, life might have been easier for her.
If one of them could have shown up for her, or even just for their own kids, she might not be freaking out over having feelings for Iris.
But Iris wasn’t her mom, her dad, or her siblings’ dads. And, when Barrett had talked about her own stuff, Iris hadn’t shut her down, hadn’t left, hadn’t done anything other than support her in it.
Was everyone right? Could it actually be okay?
Perhaps it was more of a question of whether Barrett could be attached to someone and stay healthy in it.
She rolled her eyes at her tacos. If she said that out loud, Ruby would start talking about the time they took attachment quizzes and just how annoyingly relevant that might be right now.
“This is all Iris’ fault,” she told Ruby with no real malice. “If she didn’t have such a perfect little face and an even more perfect personality, I wouldn’t be having this crisis right now.”
Ruby laughed, and even Oscar perked up, sniffing at the edge of the table in a way that suggested Barrett’s mood was letting up.
“When you finally tell her you like her,” Ruby offered, “maybe do it with a little less anger. She doesn’t seem like the type to react well to someone aggressively screaming in her face how fucking perfect she is.”
Barrett raised her eyebrows. “Do I need to worry you’re after her too?”
Ruby laughed so hard she snorted and had to take a gulp of her drink before she could reply. “No. She’s beautiful and I’m super excited to get to know her, but that was my impression of you.”
“Shit impression.”
“See, I know you’re just saying that because it was actually amazing.”
Barrett chuckled lightly, a little reluctantly, but it felt good. Ruby was right, of course.
“I can totally see her as your type, though,” she added and Barrett’s good mood halted in its tracks.
“How could you? We just said, I haven’t wanted anyone else.”
“She’s smart, a little sharp around the edges, ridiculously talented, and your dog loves her. Feels like your type all over.”
“Thank you so much for that insight.”
“Hey, I’m here to give you the points Orion avoids.”
“Yeah, yeah. Keep talking and I’ll throw this guac at you.”
She laughed readily, glowing in a way that was so very her—very her when she knew something good was happening for Barrett. “You won’t. You’re enjoying eating it too much.”
Barrett glowered, eating another scoop of it. Ruby knew her too well.
Did she also know when something genuinely good was happening for her? Was that even a remote possibility? And could Barrett manage it without fucking it up?
She kept her eyes resolutely on the screen when she told Ruby, “You can help me make breakfast burritos for Iris later. I’ll even let you take some for yourself and Deepti.” And she pretended not to see the way Ruby was beaming at her.