Chapter Twenty-Six
Deepti laughed and leaned in to press a quick kiss to Ruby’s temple. As Ruby melted into their side, Barrett watched from across their booth, something deeply complicated flaring up inside her.
She was unbelievably happy for Ruby—for Deepti, too, but Ruby had been her friend for so long now.
She was family, and she’d wanted so badly to be loved the way Deepti was doing.
But Barrett was jealous, too. There was an ease to their relationship, in the little touches and shared looks.
God knew Ruby deserved it, had waited long enough and given more of herself than she should have to finding it.
She’d never given up, and now she had it all.
But, for the first time, Barrett wanted that too.
She’d spent her entire adult life refusing to get close to people emotionally because then they’d be her responsibility, they’d want more of her than she could give, and it always ended badly.
But Ruby and Deepti weren’t that. Barrett could see all the ways they worked together, all the ways they’d go the distance.
It was real and honest and vulnerable—and fucking terrifying, but it was working.
Ruby smiled like she’d never been so at peace every time Deepti simply existed in the same space as her.
And Deepti was getting a part of Ruby that Barrett never had.
That part didn’t make her jealous, not of either of them, at least. It made her jealous that she didn’t have that, had never known that kind of belonging. And that jealousy filled an Iris-shaped hole in her heart. Maybe Iris was getting a part of Barrett Ruby had never had too.
Barrett looked around the restaurant—red and white and classic.
She knew all of the details Iris’ gaze would catch on, but she wanted to ask about them.
She wanted to know every little thing that had led to the Iris she knew, and all the parts of who she was, what made her happy, sad, annoyed, and elated.
Ruby had said something similar about Deepti. Barrett was definitely in trouble.
“Are you checking out the building?” Ruby asked with a laugh.
Barrett cleared her throat and smiled across the table. “Guilty as charged. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize for being who you are.”
Barrett’s breath caught. That was a little too close to what Iris had said earlier. She’d sworn she could handle all the parts of Barrett, eaten her lunch, and sent Barrett off to a meeting like she hadn’t upended everything Barrett thought she knew.
“Are you okay?” Deepti asked, every bit as intuitive as Ruby.
Barrett nodded. “I’m good.”
“You can talk to us,” Ruby promised, leaning across the table towards Barrett.
Every tender part of her insides tried to rebel, to insist she was fine, to smooth everything bad away. To take care of everyone else.
You aren’t responsible for everyone else’s emotions, Orion’s voice echoed in her mind.
But she could be. She could be responsible for making everything fine, brushing the moment away, plastering the crack in her carefully composed facade until everyone else was happy and forgot it had even happened—forgot they’d glimpsed the real her.
She wasn’t certain it felt like that with Iris.
Of course, the urge to take care of her was strong, as was the urge to have it all together, but Iris had seen behind the curtain multiple times now and Barrett wasn’t certain she’d take it back even if she could.
Iris didn’t treat her differently because of the cracks.
She’d promised she could handle them—suggested she even wanted to. And Barrett believed her.
All afternoon, she’d sat in her meeting and gone over plans with Iris demanding her mental attention. She’d ruminated on every part of their relationship thus far, but she hadn’t once wished to take back the things she’d revealed.
Orion would be so proud.
She smiled at the couple across from her. “Just—shit, this is harder than I thought.”
Ruby’s brows scrunched together, her entire expression concerned. “Did something bad happen? We’re here for you, whatever it is.”
“No. It’s, uh, something good, I think.”
“Oh?” Ruby perked up and shared a look with Deepti that was filled with that understanding again. They knew each other, were on the same page, and Barrett suddenly really, really wanted that.
How long had she sworn to never go there? How had she never realized how achingly glorious it could be?
But she still wasn’t sure how to explain it. She’d made the whole thing a big deal now. How did she tell her best friend and her partner, who didn’t know Barrett’s past, about her revelation without looking like a complete fool?
“Did you… kiss Iris?” Ruby asked hopefully, startling a laugh out of Barrett. Maybe that was how she started.
“No, not at all. But I wanted to.”
Deepti simply looked delighted, but Ruby seemed to understand that was a bigger deal than it sounded.
She examined Barrett, seeing her in a way nobody else ever had.
And all Barrett could think was that that was beautiful, too.
Sure, Deepti got a part of Ruby Barrett didn’t, and she wanted Iris to have a part of her Ruby never got, but the parts they got of each other were incredible and important.
She’d been broken and hurting, and she’d still shown up and let Ruby in.
She’d made the best friend she’d ever had, been accepted in everything she was by the person who was looking at her now and understanding her without words.
Iris still terrified her, but Barrett had to admit she’d come a long way. Further than she’d realized.
“As in,” Ruby ventured, “you wanted to kiss her in a way that matters?”
Barrett pressed her lips together and nodded. She could do the sharing thing. She could let them in. “At lunch, Iris told me just being me is enough. Basically, that she wants to know that person.”
Ruby teared up instantly, clasping her hands under her chin. “Barrett.”
“I know.”
Deepti laughed softly. “That’s a big deal, isn’t it? Even outside of someone admitting they’re into you?”
“Yes,” Ruby insisted quickly, while Barrett attempted to equivocate over whether that was quite what Iris had been saying.
“What other way is there to interpret that?” Deepti asked, wrapping one arm around Ruby and gesturing wildly with the other.
“As, you know, friends?” Barrett tapped her fingers rapidly on the edge of their table.
“I mean, maybe, but I don’t think you’d say anything that romantic if it was just friendly—well, maybe you would or Ruby would, but I don’t think Iris would.”
“You barely even know her.”
“Yeah, and I know that about her. That should tell you something.”
“But—”
“She said she wanted you,” Ruby said, soft but certain, cutting Barrett off. “That you’re enough.”
Barrett swallowed hard, feeling almost as overwhelmed as she had when the words had been coming out of Iris’ mouth, and she couldn’t do anything but nod.
“Barrett, that’s huge. It’s exactly what you always wanted, what you deserve. It’s what you need. She’s not looking for you to be a fixer. She’s just looking for you.”
“I don’t know if I’d phrase it quite like that,” Barrett said quickly, but there was a firm, insistent part of her mind that wanted it to be exactly that. And, if it was that, could she really do it? Could she just show up as herself and be enough?
She really needed another session with Orion. It was lucky they’d set weekly appointments for a little while.
“I’d phrase it exactly like that,” Deepti laughed before helping themself to one of their remaining fries.
Barrett blew out a breath. Deepti was here, they weren’t going anywhere, and Ruby trusted her with her life.
It was okay to share. “I’ve been worried that if I wanted Iris for real, I’d end up losing myself in being who I thought she needed.
I’d take care of her at my expense and end up resenting her. ”
“Which you didn’t want to happen.”
“Absolutely not. I’d rather have none of her than ruin everything.”
“You’re not going to ruin everything. You’ll figure it out.”
Barrett wanted that to be true in every fiber of her being.
The last few weeks had shown her, more completely than she’d ever imagined, just how much she’d always wanted Iris.
Wanting her when she hated Barrett was safe, easy.
Wanting her when she might be interested wasn’t safe but it was as easy as breathing.
Unnerving but simple, natural, consuming.
“You’ll figure it out,” Ruby said quietly, “because she’s not asking for a version of you that has all the answers. She’s asking for what’s real, for you to meet her in what hurts and just be there.”
Barrett had already cried once today. She wasn’t looking to do it again—especially not over cold fries. “But that’s easy enough to say, isn’t it? How easy is it to actually stick to that when someone shows up with all their shit and you realize they’re not all sunshine and rainbows?”
“Someone who wants the real you isn’t looking for you to be sunshine and rainbows,” Deepti said, something desperately sincere in her eyes as they looked at Ruby. “Plus, she’s seen your wardrobe. She’s definitely not looking for that if she’s after you.”
Barrett laughed a little reluctantly. Deepti was correct, and their comments reminded her of her conversation with Iris about whether she was a goth.
Iris understood exactly how she felt about that whole thing, even before Barrett said anything.
Perhaps that was why, when she knew she should pull away if she wasn’t willing to get too deep with Iris, she couldn’t actually do it.
She’d talked a big game with Orion and Ruby and herself that she didn’t really want Iris, she wasn’t developing real feelings, but of course she was.
And she couldn’t bring herself to stay away.
She didn’t really want to. She wanted to understand Iris and be understood by her.