Chapter Thirty-Six
Ruby and Deepti had already arrived, been let into the apartment by Iris, and made themselves at home by the time Barrett returned from picking up their Chinese food from around the corner.
It had been a long week, but walking into her home to find Iris sitting on the floor with Oscar contentedly in her lap, Deepti giving her an introductory lesson on tarot, and Ruby busying herself making drinks was a feeling of home she’d never take for granted.
Since running into Natasha and Jemma, Iris had wanted to stay in a little more, and Barrett had been only too happy to oblige her.
However, when she’d made an offhanded comment while snuggled up on Iris’ couch, channel hopping and eating snacks, about it feeling like something she’d missed out on in high school, she hadn’t been expecting this to be her Friday night.
Iris, of course, had asked for an explanation, and Barrett had told her all about how she never got to spend her evenings at friends’ houses.
She’d never known her friends’ parents. Never had a sleepover.
And Iris had lit up, immediately suggesting having one now.
Five minutes later, with Barrett in shock that Iris would even want to, they’d been texting Ruby and Deepti and Anya.
Deepti had coincidentally already booked Friday off, so that was the night they’d picked.
Which led to Iris getting a tarot lesson on Barrett’s living room floor and looking more and more like she was glad she existed in the world. It was Barrett’s favorite sight.
“Anya will be here in a couple of minutes,” Ruby said, mixing up a toxic cocktail that was more energy drink than anything else.
“Great.” Something in Barrett’s chest felt antsy, something she’d been trying to put to rest for a long time.
She was happy, too, but old habits died hard and the only way she was going to get out of feeling like she wasn’t allowed nights like this was to practice.
The idea at least felt exhilarating alongside the panic.
Ruby paused, watching Barrett critically. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah… just… new to this, I guess.”
“Having so many friends invade your home and take it over?”
Barrett laughed. “Something like that.”
“Of course, not everyone here is your friend,” she teased.
Despite knowing exactly what she was getting at, Barrett raised her eyebrows. “You invited my mortal enemy again? I really need to stop hanging out with you.”
“No, silly,” Ruby practically snorted. “Iris! She really cares about you.”
“I know.” What she didn’t know was how to explain why that was so gut-wrenchingly complicated.
She’d tried with Orion on Monday. What it came down to now was worrying she was going to fuck up the best thing in her life and the massive, life-changing thing she still needed to admit to Iris.
They’d never talked about kids, and it was early to be talking about such huge topics, but, no matter how afraid she was that it would be a deal-breaker for Iris, she needed her to know before they got in too deep and walking away became even harder.
Maybe it wasn’t too early for such topics.
She wondered if love would be easier if everyone came with little tags that spelled out the big things they wanted and didn’t want for their lives.
When you were falling for someone for who they were, your brain wasn’t always factoring that stuff in, but it sure did complicate matters further down the line.
Perhaps that was why people listed it in their online dating profiles.
But they hadn’t met online, and she had no idea whether Iris wanted to be a mother. She just knew she didn’t.
“Just like you really care about her,” Ruby said gently.
“I know.” She swallowed hard. “And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Just look at you and Deepti.”
Ruby looked away, embarrassed, any concern melting off her. “We, um, talked about me maybe taking some classes.”
Barrett’s heart swelled. “Design classes?”
“Yeah.”
She pulled Ruby into a tight hug. For as long as they’d known each other, Ruby had loved fashion.
Her style was incredible and uniquely hers.
It lit her up and made her happy. The two of them had discussed her desire to take some fashion and costume design classes before, but Ruby had never felt ready.
Her feelings around it were complicated but Barrett didn’t need her to explain them to know they mattered.
To hear that she finally felt secure enough to go for it was some of the best news Barrett had ever heard.
“You’re going to be amazing,” she told Ruby emphatically.
“You think?”
“I know so.”
“Deepti knew someone through the bar, and it’s a really trans-inclusive space, and yeah… I’m really excited.”
Barrett pulled back with a massive grin on her face. “You deserve it. And I cannot wait to come to your first show.”
Ruby laughed. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”
“No, no. I’ll be there, front row, screaming like a proud mom.”
“Barrett! You’re not my mother.”
“Thank god for that.”
Anya at the door interrupted the conversation, but Ruby still got in one more eye roll at Barrett before they headed to join the others at the table, all of them settling in for Iris’ part of the evening.
When they’d been talking about the things Barrett had missed out on, Iris had mentioned feeling like she’d missed out on silliness in her friendships.
In the chaos and nonsense that bound people who were really close.
She’d touched on it by asking Barrett some unusual questions—not that Barrett could speak, since she was constantly doing the same thing—but, when they’d agreed on tonight, Barrett knew exactly what she wanted to give Iris.
Anya apologized for being the last to arrive and shot Barrett a knowing look as she moved to sit at the opposite end of the table from Iris, leaving the spot next to her open. She was ridiculous. But Barrett would have fought her for the spot, so maybe she was too.
Iris smiled so achingly sweetly as Barrett dropped down beside her that she almost cried. Her circle might be small, but this group made facing any day better. Iris made any day better.
Deepti started spreading the food around the table and Barrett managed to pull her gaze away from Iris long enough to explain what she wanted to do while they ate.
“So,” she said, grinning at them all. “You know how, when you’re five, you get to tell a kid at the playground you love purple, apropos of nothing, and they do too so you become best friends? Or you get to ask what their favorite dinosaur is and it’s like you formed a bond for life?”
The others nodded and laughed, and a tiny part of Barrett felt like it was falling into place in her chest. A piece she hadn’t realized was out of place until it wasn’t and suddenly she could breathe again.
She cleared her throat. This was not the moment for getting overly sentimental. “I think we should do that here. Fun, silly questions you never get to ask anymore because we’re supposed to be grown and mature—as if mature people don’t have favorite dinosaurs!”
“Oh, I love that.” Ruby practically swooned, leaning into Deepti’s side as she smiled across the coffee table.
Barrett smiled back, but her entire focus had settled on her left hand. As soon as she’d explained ‘her’ idea, Iris’ fingers had found hers. Sweet and grateful and warm and Barrett’s. Winding between her own like they were made to be there, a million unspoken words in the way Iris gently squeezed.
She wasn’t going to last much longer without telling Iris she loved her. It was there in every look, every touch. Every time she saw Iris and every time she missed her, the bedrock of it all was loving her.
For so long, she’d felt like the bedrock of who she was consisted of serving everyone else, of being the person they needed her to be.
She liked it being the way she loved Iris instead.
It felt far more like being herself. As if she’d finally found her way back to whoever the five-year-old version of her had wanted to be.
She was the most herself she’d been in years.
Orion had asked her about it. Insightful as ever.
Apparently, she’d been carrying herself differently the last few weeks, like she’d finally become the person she’d been trying to be the whole time they’d known each other.
Barrett had laughed. Had she faked it until she’d made it?
All she knew was that there wasn’t anything fake about the way she loved Iris.
And, contrary to what she’d feared, loving Iris didn’t feel like losing herself.
Sure, she’d sacrifice anything for her, she’d give up life itself to swim in the depths of Iris’ soul for the rest of time, but that was freeing.
It was something she chose to give, something she wanted to give.
It wasn’t something Iris expected of her.
She’d looked Orion in the eye and told them, clear and confident and sure, that she still worried about losing herself one day, but she worried more about losing Iris, and that really did feel like growth.
“Okay, I’m going first,” Deepti said as she grabbed an egg roll. “If you were a tarot card, which one would you be?”
Ruby giggled, her shoulders scrunching up around her ears. “The Lovers, obviously.”
“Exactly what I’d have picked for you, my love.”
Ruby genuinely did swoon when Deepti leaned in to kiss her and then offered her their egg roll.
Barrett looked at Iris, who was blushing and looking right back at her. She was pretty sure they were thinking the same thing. A year ago, she’d never have imagined wanting to be The Lovers with anyone. Now, she couldn’t imagine being anything else.
“The Hermit,” Anya said, faux annoyed and attempting to hold her laughter in. “Two couples making googly eyes at each other and just me, down the end of the table, all alone.”
Barrett’s apartment wasn’t nearly big enough for a coffee table that would have them far from one another, but she laughed. She really did like Anya. She liked this little group she and Iris had built together, and, more than that, she loved that Iris did too.
“You know tarot!” Deepti was delighted at Anya’s revelation, but kept their arms tight around Ruby.
Anya shrugged. “Eh. I know a few things. I’m hardly an expert.”
“Do you have your own deck?”
“I think so? Buried in a box somewhere.”
“Never mind that,” Iris said, leaning around Barrett. “I thought you were happy alone?”
Anya shot her a toothy grin. “I am. It’s just fun to call you all out.”
Iris shook her head and leaned into Barrett’s side.
“You’d be The Star,” Deepti told Iris.
“Agreed,” Barrett whispered into Iris’ hair.
She didn’t know tarot like Deepti did, but she knew enough to know that one was about healing and overcoming a difficult journey. She knew it was a beautiful card, and she knew Iris was beautiful in every way it was possible to be so, that she was transformational.
“You just like me,” Iris muttered, ducking her head.
“I really do.”
She looked back up at Barrett, eyes full of wonder. “I really like you too.”
“I’m glad.”
I love you was right there, itching to get out of her.
The look in Iris’ eyes said it was right there inside of her too.
Barrett wasn’t sure whether that was simply wishful thinking but she liked the idea of Iris saying it.
Even sitting on the floor, enjoying Chinese food while their friends’ laughter faded into the background, it would be the best moment of her life.
“Barrett would be Temperance,” Deepti said, drawing Barrett’s attention again. “It’s actually pretty similar to The Star. They make a good pair. Lots of growth and healing, the hope of putting one foot in front of the other every day and finding something peaceful and beautiful.”
Barrett would have bet good money on tarot never making her cry, and she’d have lost it all.
She gulped and blinked, ready to die on the spot when Iris pressed a kiss to her shoulder, a little too high to be innocent.
Her top lip grazed Barrett’s skin where her shirt ended, and the entire building could have gone up in flames for all she cared.
She was simultaneously burning up and the most alive she’d ever been.
After a moment of simply basking in the feeling, she cleared her throat, refusing to look at their friends and their knowing gazes. “Cool. Well. Next question?”
Anya laughed. “If you had to spend the rest of your life looking like one vegetable, which one would you pick?”
Barrett laughed too. Anya was a great addition to her life.
Wild and often ridiculous, and so sure of herself.
She was glad Iris had always had one friend like that.
Given she was prone to occasional bouts of the ridiculous herself, maybe it wasn’t all that surprising Iris liked her.
And maybe that was still the most wonderful, unlikely thing in her life.