Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
Christopher
I woke with a giant smile. I had never known it could be like this. I’d always blamed and beaten myself up for not loving Abby’s touch, not connecting to her or others. I had been convinced something was missing in me.
But this.
Nothing was missing with Ghost.
I reached for him. Wanting only to touch him again. Feel his lean body against mine. I’d never tire of touching him. Whether it was the soft brush of my fingertips on his skin, or the hard drive of his cock into me—I savored all of it. I could kiss his pouty lips and nestle into him and be happy just spooning him. Or I could do more—lick a hot trail to his stomach where he had a cute dip in his navel, and go lower, kissing him everywhere. Worshiping him.
My heart overflowed, imagining all the sweet and spicy times ahead.
But he wasn’t within reach. Ghost stood on the other side of the bedroom, his arms crossed, his gaze on me hard to read.
I got out of the bed and went over to him, halting just short of touching him.
I’d never seen this expression on his face. Like he was guarded all of a sudden.
“What’s wrong?”
Oh, God . Had I failed yet another lover?
I blinked away the threat of tears. Braced for his answer. I thought he’d loved being with me. That my touch made him happy. His touch had made me want to shout with joy. I dreamed only of making him mine. I was already his.
Had I gotten things wrong?
“Wasn’t it…any good?” I whispered.
“Jesus, yes! That’s not—” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m worried about taking advantage of you. I’ve been pushing you this entire time, haven’t I? Begging you to help me. Showing up at your place. I must have been a pushy bastard in the human world.”
“You can’t push me if I don’t want to be pushed. Believe me. Others have tried.”
He snorted. “Physically pushing is not what I meant. I’m…scared.”
“Of what, me?” I asked, shocked.
“No! I’m afraid…of how good it felt. Of losing something so good.” He bit his lip. “Most of all, I’m scared about not being fair to you. Why give up a chance at a human relationship to be with me? I can be many things for you, except alive. I can’t give that to you.” He swiped at his eyes. “And you deserve more. You shouldn’t settle.”
Settle? That was insane. He believed he was pushy? That I felt trapped or some shit? He didn’t get it. I wanted his attention. I wanted him to think about me, see me, love me.
I was in love with him.
A moment went by. I was never good at talking about feelings. Most of my life…it had been a lonely experience. I had few friends—none at all since Abby and I split.
Ghost was so wrong about this. I wanted him to push me. I needed somebody like him in my life, or I’d settle. Without him, I’d live a life of meager crumbs. With him, it was a whole damn meal. A feast.
He gave a long sigh. “How can I ask you to give up on real love? I’m being selfish as hell. And I don’t want to be. As much as I want us together, I shouldn’t keep you from more.”
He began to turn away. That woke me up and fast. If I didn’t say how I felt—really tell him—this might end. I grabbed his arm. “Listen to me! There’s nothing to give up. Before you, I might have been alive, but I wasn’t living. I was going through the motions. Unable to connect with anyone in any realm.”
“That’s so sweet, it makes me want to say okay to everything. But how can I? I care so much about you. But it isn’t fair to ask you to accept being with a ghost.”
“Nothing is fair. So stop worrying about it. Was it fair that you died ? I’m guessing no fucking way. Was it fair we didn’t meet years ago? No. So, you’re a ghost and part of that sucks. I can deal with it.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“Jesus. Name one relationship that doesn’t come with highs and lows, good and bad. Don’t you get it?” I bit back an urge to shake him or cry. “You’re not the one who’s been dead, I am,” I said softly. “Being with you, falling for you? It’s everything.”
“Don’t you want a normal relationship?”
“I’ve never been normal. Whatever the hell normal means.”
“As if I’m normal.” He laughed, shimmering in the air. “I’m a ghost, and I want you to fucking possess me. Like I want to be yours, in all the ways one person dating another can. I want you to claim me, mark me, commit to me. Is that normal as a ghost? I’m not even sure how that would work. But it’s what I want.”
“Possess you?” I repeated, my heart thrumming.
He bit his lower lip. “Yeah. But only if you feel the same.”
I swallowed hard. “Some people are lucky. The family they got at birth is great. Others are lucky to find family along the way. But I’ve never fit. The closest I came was with Abby, but that ended. I spend my time with spirits; not many humans get that. As a foster kid, I was too weird or grouchy. As an adult, I found it hard to let people in. I don’t have a family. I convinced myself I didn’t need friends or family or any of that. But the truth is, I have struggled to find it. Then you arrived.” I held my hand out to him. “And I want you to stay with me. That possessive-as-fuck feeling? It’s mutual.”
“Thank God. I worried that you wouldn’t get what you need from this.”
“Stop worrying. I’m a man, not a boy, and I know what I want.” I drew him into my arms.
He cupped the sides of my face. “How about you?” Ghost searched my eyes. “What’s your fear about us?”
In the past, I would have shrugged off this type of question. Acted macho and tough. But with him, all my barriers were down for good. He hadn’t only crossed worlds for me, he’d been inside of me. There was no space for evasion in Ghost’s dark, kind eyes.
“I guess…what I worry about is how you won’t age, and I will.”
“I’ll age with you.”
“What? No.” I shook my head. “I wasn’t suggesting?—”
“I’m offering.” He held out his hand and smiled. “You never push me to do anything or make demands on our relationship. But it’s okay to have wants and to ask your partner for them. Unlike your foster care experiences, I’m not going to turn you out for wanting to be cared for, secure. That’s the best part of loving somebody. Giving them what they need. Making that person feel treasured.”
“And I make you feel like that?” I asked gruffly. “Abby always told me I wasn’t enough for her.”
“Aw, sweetie. You’re more than enough.”
We clasped hands.
Ghost saw me. Right away, he understood me, better than I understood myself. He saw my entire being, and standing before him, it was all I could do not to cry.
I was in love with a man who was dead.
Yet I had never felt so brave, so alive.
He squeezed my hand. “So, don’t hold back with me if you’re scared or unhappy. I want to hear it.”
“Okay,” I replied softly.
“Good.” He gave a lopsided grin. “And I can easily alter my appearance to match yours as we age.”
“Don’t have to alter a thing for me, so long as you still will want me with gray hair and wrinkles.”
“You’ll be a fox. A silver-haired stud.”
Although I was not a stud at any age, I gave him a long, grateful kiss.
Afterward, Ghost became thoughtful. “Aging is part of being human. All jokes aside. I want to see myself age, see a wrinkle here and there—something to mark the time in a place that’s timeless.”
“Age, don’t age. I’m not afraid. And we’re all going to be ghosts. Someday.”