Chapter Nine
Truett
“T hen she walked out with the coffee and everything just went… quiet. I couldn’t feel anything.”
“And the problem is?” Daniel’s face was so utterly incredulous it was almost insulting. No, strike that. It was totally insulting. The asshat was wearing a teal button-down tucked into pleated khaki slacks and he had the gall to look at me like I was the ridiculous one.
“Were you listening to anything I said?” I shoved a hand through the top of my hair and continued to pace a frenzied path through my living room.
“I listened all night actually. Got a set of blue balls to prove it.” He topped off his coffee and then put the carafe back on the warmer. “Any chance you could maybe not have a nervous breakdown on my birthday next year? When you called, Amber was just getting to the good stuff. And when you’ve been married as long as we have, birthdays are the only time you get the good stuff.”
I rolled my eyes. “You might be the worst psychiatrist in existence. I can’t believe people actually pay you for this shit.”
He barked a laugh. “You get what you pay for, asshat. And newsflash, you don’t pay me a penny.” Casually strolling past me, he walked to my tattered brown couch and sank down. The cushion let out a squeak, and without missing a beat, he reached into the crack and pulled out one of Kaitlyn’s plastic ponies. “But if you want my professional opinion, I think this could be a healthy step for you.”
I stopped and planted my hands on my hips. “In what realm of the universe is me losing my mind considered healthy?”
He tossed the pony into the toy basket beside the couch and then propped his yuppy-ass loafers on my coffee table. “Uhhh, I think we are a few years past the word ‘losing.’”
“Remind me why I let you come inside again?”
He stared off into the distance, stroking his freshly shaved chin, and looking every bit as stupid as his wardrobe. “Perhaps my top-notch banter? Dashing good looks? Razor-sharp wit?” He swayed his head from side to side. “Or maybe because I’m the only friend you have.”
He was not wrong there. Isolation didn’t leave a lot of time for socializing. Luckily for me, Daniel had been born into his role as my best friend. He was seven years younger than me, strapped with the same deadbeat dad. We hadn’t grown up together, but when I became a teen, I found myself seeking him out. I took him under my wing and tried to be the father figure we never had. Despite our different upbringings, we shared an unspoken bond. Through late-night conversations, a mutual love of football, and a competitive edge that bred a natural sibling rivalry, we got close.
He lived almost two hours away now, so we didn’t see each other all that often anymore. Which, given my curse, was probably a hell of a lot safer for him.
I’d always found it amusing that he had grown up to be a head-doctor while I’d turned into a head-case. I had a whole team of therapists and medical professionals I could have reached out to in regard to Gwen’s apparent superpower over me. Though Daniel would always be my first call. I must have sounded like a maniac on the phone, because he had already been standing on my front porch at eight a.m., ready to use his fancy degree to fan my flames.
It was only fair that he gave me a heavy dose of bullshit first.
I shot him a scowl. “You done cracking jokes yet?”
“Probably not.”
“Awesome. Should I bend over to make it easier for you to kick me in the ass?”
He set his coffee on the end table, managing to fit it perfectly inside one of the stained water rings. “All right. All right. Let’s just take a deep breath.”
“That’s the problem,” I rumbled. “I can breathe, and I have no idea how to stop it.”
“From a medical standpoint, I’m going to advise you not to stop it. The body usually revolts against asphyxiation.”
“But I know how to handle that. I’ve been suffocating for years. Then suddenly, last night, I wasn’t.” I shook my head. “No, no. That’s not true. I was definitely suffocating when I got home. But when I was sitting in that booth with her there…I, I…” I scrubbed a hand over my beard and fought to keep the emotion out of my voice. “I think she broke me. Forever.”
“Hey,” he said, all trace of humor gone. “I think you’re framing this wrong. This is black-and-white thinking. You’re assuming that because it happened once it’s always going to be that way. There is no truth to be found in always and never .”
It was a bald-faced lie therapists had been trying to shove down my throat for years. In my experience, always and never were far more factual than the torturous maybe and possibly . Those words implied that life was like a coin and every situation had two sides. Heads, everything works out. Tails, you fail everyone you love.
But my coin was one-sided.
It always had been.
That would never change.
Those were the facts.
I kept those thoughts to myself in order to avoid a twenty-minute lecture on faulty thinking patterns.
“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked.
He leaned forward and put his elbows to his knees. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to change the routine.”
“No,” I clipped, the idea knotting my gut. “There’s gotta be another way.”
“There are a lot of different ways, actually. I get why you go there every week, and a few years ago, I agreed. But it’s time, Truett. You need to work on radical acceptance of the things you can and cannot change. Slicing the wounds open every week, even for just an hour, will never allow you to heal.”
I don’t deserve to heal. I didn’t dare say that out loud, either. He’d have been all over the big D-word.
To avoid eye contact—and his shrink clairvoyance—I started pacing again. “Fine, okay. Let’s pretend she didn’t break me. The Grille’s closed now. What if, when she opens up again, it’s not the same?”
“Then we’re right back to radical acceptance. You can’t change what happens to The Grille. You can only control how you react to it.”
If I had a nickel for every time someone had preached the same message, I could maybe , probably , find a coin that would finally land on heads. I wasn’t holding my breath.
Intertwining my fingers, I rested my cradled hands on the top of my head and continued the step-step-turn routine. “Blah, blah, blah. I could have gotten that shit off a pamphlet at the VA.”
“And if you had, I wouldn’t have needed to forgo my birthday blowjob and then cancel my morning patients so I could come here and repeat it to you again .”
Guilt consumed me. Not about the blowjob. Fuck that. But I hated to be a burden. My issues were my own. As much as I leaned on Daniel, I never wanted to interfere with his life. I was so fucking proud of the man he’d become. He had an amazing wife, two handsome little boys, and a successful career that afforded him a lifestyle we could have only dreamed about when we were younger.
Unlike me, he deserved every single bit of that and more.
Drawing in a deep breath, I finally sat down on the other end of the couch. My heart didn’t slow, nor did the panic leave my body, but I plastered on a smile. “Shit, I’m sorry.”
He patted me on the shoulder. “You know I’m here for you no matter what, right? Day or night. It doesn’t matter. I just wish I could drill a hole in your head and force this into your brain.”
I chuckled. It wasn’t real, but it was what he needed to hear in order to release him from duty. “So just to recap, you’re against asphyxiation but cool with at-home brain surgery?”
Victory sang in my veins as his eyes lit with humor. “Don’t worry. I did a whole eight-week rotation in general surgery during med school. I’m totally qualified.”
“Well, next time, bring a drill. Who knows, a hole in my head might be exactly what I need.”
His smile fell before I was able to finish the thought.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I assured.
His scrutinizing gaze searched my face. “Are you having thoughts of self-harm again?”
“No,” I stated clearly and honestly. “Those days are long gone. I promise. You’re stuck with me until I’m old, gray, and incontinent. Okay?”
“You positive?”
I rested my hand over my heart. “I swear.”
It burned the way he melted with such staggering relief. “Good. Though you’ve already got some gray in your beard. Is this your subtle way of telling me you’re shitting your pants now too?”
I laughed, and it was finally genuine. Daniel was good like that.
Nothing had been solved. I had no clue what I was going to do next week when Wednesday afternoon rolled around, but that wasn’t his problem. The sooner he left, the sooner I could keep it that way.
“All right, time for you to go,” I announced, rising to my feet.
“Nah, I’ve got a few more hours. I don’t have any patients until after lunch.”
“Must be nice, but I have to get back to work, so maybe you should head back and see if Amber’s up for some belated birthday good stuff. ”
His mouth gaped. “Are you seriously kicking me out?”
“Yep!”
“Oh, come on!” His voice was so whiny it made me grin. He had MD behind his name and he was still the same kid trotting behind me, begging to be included. “I drove all the way down here. Let’s order in some breakfast. I’m starved.”
“I already ate.” Giving him my back, I walked to the door.
“Come on. We never get to hang out.”
I unlocked the deadbolt and gave the doorknob a twist. “I don’t hang out on Thursdays. You know the schedule.”
“News flash, Truett. You created the schedule. You can change it too.” He continued to argue, but his footsteps sounded behind me.
“Sorry, bud.” I swung the door open and then immediately suffered a heart attack. “Fuck!” I boomed, tripping over my own damn feet as I lurched back, barely catching myself on the doorjamb.
Gwen froze on the second step, my raincoat in her hand at her side, her eyes wide with surprise. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She did more than scare me. Seeing her there terrified me for more reasons than I could count.
Even in the middle of a mild cardiac arrest, I couldn’t stop my gaze from trailing down her body. Tight black athletic shorts clung to her toned thighs. One leg of the fabric was curiously longer than the other, but they hugged her in all the right places. A bright-pink tank top gaped at the sides, revealing a glimpse of her sports bra. And while it didn’t appear that it was supposed to be a cropped top, it fell one delicious inch above her waistband. They were simple workout clothes. Not even particularly revealing ones at that. But dear God, she made my mouth dry.
I’d installed a doorbell camera long before they became a suburban accessory. It sent an alert to my cell phone when it detected motion at my door. I had never needed a warning more than when she nervously peered up at me while toying with her ponytail over one shoulder. Too little too late, my phone buzzed in my pocket when she made it up the final step.
At least the vibrations snapped me out of my drooling stupor.
“What are you doing here?” I asked accusingly.
It was a dick move, but she wasn’t supposed to be there.
Not anymore.
“You got a few minutes?” she asked. “I need to talk to you.”
That did not sound good.
I didn’t have the chance to respond before Daniel ducked around me, sporting a shit-eating grin. “He has nothing but time, actually.”
Her face stretched into a smile.
Wide.
Bright.
Breathtaking.
Aimed at him.
Twist the fucking dagger, why don’t ya.
“Danny?” She gasped.
The jackass stepped directly in front of me like I’d become the invisible man. “Technically, I go by Doctor Daniel West now, but yeah, you can still call me Danny.”
Gwen dropped my jacket like it had developed a case of leprosy, and all but launched herself into his arms. I, on the other hand, secured a life in dentures, clenching my teeth so hard it was positive they’d shatter.
Dr. Shithead lifted Gwen off her feet and spun her in a circle, nearly taking my knees out with her dangling legs. Last I’d checked, we were not in a countryside field in Austria with Julie Andrews singing in the background. Was spinning seriously necessary?
I would not punch my brother.
I would not punch my brother.
“Damn, it’s good to see you again, Gwennie.”
Gwennie?
Fucking Gwennie?
Okay, maybe just one punch.
I propped my shoulder against the door frame, trying to play the role of cool and casual. Then on every half spin, when I was positive Gwen couldn’t see me, I leveled my brother with a glower that I hoped scalded his skin.
He eventually got the message—or, knowing that pansy, he just got dizzy—and set her on her feet.
“Wow,” she breathed. “Look at you, all grown up. A doctor too?”
He flexed a puny bicep. “Yeah. I had to make a plan B when the whole professional wrestling thing didn’t pan out.”
I couldn’t have rolled my eyes harder without causing permanent injury.
“You really tried to do that?” she asked.
“I’m a buck fifty soaking wet with the athletic ability of a sloth. Teenage dreams die hard in reality.” He hooked his thumb over his shoulder—and oh look, I existed again. “He got the brute and I got the brains. Fair split, I guess.”
I shoved his shoulder harder than necessary. “Perfect. Then maybe you should use your brains to figure out how to get the hell out of here.”
Teetering off-balance on the edge of the top step, he flashed Gwen a teasing grin. “I guess I’m leaving now. I hear you bought The Grille? Maybe when you reopen, I can stop by so we can catch up.”
“I would love that.”
“All right, then. It’s a date.”
Oh, yeah, I was going to punch the shit out of him later and I didn’t give one fuck that Amber would probably light my house on fire for maiming his pretty little face.
“See ya, Truett,” he called over his shoulder.
As little brothers do, he drove me up a wall most of the time, but life was too fragile to ever allow him to leave like that.
“Hey!” I jogged down the steps after him. “‘See ya, Truett’? That’s it?”
He slanted his head, his lips twitching. “You looked like you were about to take a baseball bat to my knees. I figured I should run while I still can.”
I dragged him into a hard hug. “Don’t be ridiculous. You know I’d aim higher than your knees.”
He barked a laugh and patted me on the back. “Love you, brother.”
“Love you too. Thanks for coming down.”
Holding my shoulders, he leaned away and caught my eye. “Any time and every time. Promise me you know that.”
I lifted my middle finger and shot him the bird. “Scout’s honor.”
“Good. Now, try to act normal. There’s a woman who is actually willing to talk to you on the porch. Don’t screw this up.”
I slapped him on the back of the head. “You know, it’s funny. I suddenly don’t feel guilty for costing you that blowjob last night.”
He laughed all the way to his black Cadillac parked on the street. I didn’t watch him leave as I was already heading back to Gwen.
She was holding my jacket again. “Wow. That was a blast from the past.”
“Mmm,” I hummed. “Seems to be a lot of that going around recently.”
Her gaze came back to mine, the joy vanishing from her face the instant our eyes met.
Awesome. That didn’t slay me at all.
“Here,” she said, extending the jacket in my direction. “You left that last night.”
“Yeah, I realized that about two blocks too late.” I draped it over the shoe rack just inside the door. “Thanks.”
“You mind if I come in?” she asked.
My back snapped straight, my entire body becoming rigid.
Shiiiiiiit.