Chapter 20 - Grace
I can feel the tension in the air as I walk across the front lawn, a great wealth of words yet unsaid. Even after my talk with Alisha, I’m just not ready to hear it, and I let go of Dan’s hand to go inside and head straight to the kitchen.
He stands in the hall for a moment, and I can still sense the anticipation, as if he can’t walk away without saying something. I keep my back to him and pour myself a glass of wine, mentally pushing him away as hard as I can.
Don’t. Just don’t.
As if my thoughts and feelings are a palpable force, Dan turns away, and I hear him go up to the shower. I stand by the stove and take a couple of long sips of the cold white wine, letting it soothe me.
I better get dinner started before he tries to help.
By the time he gets back, the sauce is nearly done and I’m draining the spaghetti. Standing over the sink, I keep my eyes on the task and refuse to look up.
“Oh, you’re nearly done,” he says, his tone light and impersonal, as if he’s ordering at a restaurant. “I’ll do the bread. Would you like salad?”
“Sure,” I mutter, still not looking up.
As he gets out the bread and butter, I see him mangling the rolls again, and I have to put in a concentrated effort not to completely lose my shit.
How could he have done it perfectly and now fuck it up again? Did he not learn anything?
Practically biting my tongue, I toss the pasta and get ready to serve it. When I turn around, Dan is shredding some lettuce and trying to slice vegetables, somehow getting green leaves all over the counter and chopping tomatoes into huge chunks instead of slices.
“Dan,” I say, barely controlling my voice. “What are you doing?”
“Isn’t this right?”
“No, you’re just making a mess!”
“Okay. How can I fix it?”
“Look, just don’t worry about it,” I sigh. “I’ll fix it. Please, get out of my way.”
Dan looks at me, and I try not to look directly at him, but I fail miserably and end up staring straight into his big, sapphire blue eyes.
Like the ultimate betrayal, they look wide and deep, as if his soul is begging me to dive in and search for the treasures he spent his whole life hiding. Light glints within, hinting at intense emotions that he feels with every fiber of his being, but doesn’t know how to express.
Stop it! You’re imagining depth that isn’t there! You’d make any excuse to make up with him now, and you’ll just get hurt even worse.
“Go and sit down,” I say firmly. “I’ll finish.”
“Okay,” he mumbles, stepping away from the counter.
I put the pasta on hold and throw out most of his effort for the compost, breaking up a bit more lettuce and slicing the vegetables.
I’m still simmering with frustration when Dan returns to help set the table, and I’m thankful he can do that without destroying the kitchen or spoiling the food. By the time we sit down, my emotions are such a tangled mess, I wouldn’t know what to say even if I wanted to speak to him.
And I don’t.
Even though I promised Alisha I’d try my best to give Dan space and talk to him, being back in the house, completely alone with him, has triggered intense memories from the night before.
The beauty of our connection clashes harshly against this morning’s silence, and I can’t understand how he could treat me like that after what we shared.
The power we raised was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I can still feel it, hovering in my soul, running in my blood.
I can’t wait to share this news with the coven and hear what they think.
Thoughts of my sisters only drive a splinter of anger even deeper into my chest, because it was their insistence that put me in this situation in the first place.
Is this why? Am I nothing but a weapon to them? They’ll use my heart and my body to defeat Sakesh, and no one cares if I am destroyed in the process.
Miserably, I shove my food around my plate, turning my thoughts even further inward.
I know my sisters love me. I’ve felt it. But I can’t forgive this, especially not now.
Sadness rises in my chest, a deep rift of regret that I’ve been trying to hide all day. The worst part of all of this is the warmth and connection that began to grow in me, and the hope that Dan and I could really fall in love.
And even worse than that, I knew this was going to happen!
My sense of loss at that moment is so strong that I have to press my lips together to stop myself from crying.
Everyone disappoints you in the end. I’m not surprised by any of this—that’s the horror of it. On some level, I even expected betrayal from my sisters. I never believed in my little dream of living out my days with them. I knew it wasn’t real.
“Not hungry?” Dan asks, his voice startling me after the long, intense silence.
“Not really,” I answer, controlling my reaction with difficulty.
Dan opens his mouth again, but looks down at his food without saying anything. I can still feel the tension in the air, as if the words are right there on the tip of his tongue, so close to being spoken, it’s like I can already hear them.
I’m so sorry, Grace.
No! I don’t want to know!
As I push away the connection between us, my mind floods with images.
I can feel his hard hands running over my body, the hot, wet pressure of his mouth licking a trail from my breasts down my belly, and the pleasure exploding inside me, remaking me, and opening up my heart in a way I’d never dreamed possible.
Lies. All lies. Stop thinking about it right now.
To my horror, I can’t. My body starts to hum, awakening with desire, and the harder I fight back, the stronger it gets. I focus on my food, taking a few bites and chewing slowly to ground myself.
I can’t live without that feeling. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced!
And I have to learn to live without it, because I can’t stand to feel it again and know that it isn’t real. It can’t be. If it was, he wouldn’t have been able to hurt me…
Dan scrapes his fork across his plate, and I actually jump a little. The noise is so sudden and annoying, it banishes all the lusty feelings, and I’m grateful that he’s just reminded me who he really is.
A dumb brute. A savage. He’s not even capable of complex emotions!
Even though I know this doesn’t make sense, it feels good to me, so I let my mind loose to run down this trail.
I’ll have to learn to live without love. We need to rule the packs and stop Sakesh. It’s too important for everyone involved, and I can’t risk that mission. Afterwards, though…
My mind teases the possibility that we could actually defeat Sakesh and stabilize the packs. If all of that could actually happen, there might be an opportunity for me to leave afterwards.
Dan isn’t capable of connecting to me the way I need. Leaving would hurt, but it would hurt less than living in a fake union. I also can’t run to the coven as I always planned. I can’t trust them.
I’m surprised by how attractive the idea is, and how much hope it gives me. My heavy mood lifts a little, and I realize that if we’re going to achieve this, I still need to talk to Dan.
We need to talk about the power we raised, if not the sex.
I look up at him, feeling a little more open, but now Dan has his eyes down, and I can feel how shut down he is.
Okay, so magic freaks him out. It would really help to know why.
“Dan?” I say softly.
He grunts.
“I, ah—”
“I’ll do the dishes in the morning,” he says, suddenly standing up. “If you just want to leave everything in the sink. I’m really tired, and I need to sleep. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” I croak, watching him leave the room.
I just spent the majority of my evening having an intense internal therapy session, only for him to dismiss me and go back to his brutish, neanderthal ways!
Fuck!
I stack up the dishes, my anger draining away until I just feel empty and sad. By the time I shower and curl up in bed, I’m completely exhausted and at the end of my emotional rope.
I don’t know what to do now. Merciful Goddess, if you can hear me—please. Show me the way. What am I supposed to do? Am I following your will? Do you require the sacrifice of my whole heart to stop Sakesh?
No answers or visions come to me, and my mental calls to Kyra go unanswered. I curl up, letting my tired, aching body drag my mind into a deep, dreamless sleep.