Chapter 22 - Grace
As the weeks pass, the awkwardness with Dan settles into a dull tolerance, and I find a routine I’m comfortable with. Even though it’s a little lonely, it’s a lot less stressful than trying to deal with him, so I keep my head down and don’t question his silence.
Most surprising of all, there is no movement at all from Sakesh. I meet with Kyra once, who tells me they followed the magical traces from the night I faced him down, and afterwards, he retreated down deep into the caves. Perhaps even beyond bedrock into the molten core itself.
I know we haven’t beaten him, but maybe he’s going dormant again. It could be decades before he comes back up.
The coven gives me no new instructions about my marriage, and eventually I stop asking. I did everything they asked me to do, and it seems that if I want to leave, there is no reason why I can’t.
Dan and I are about three weeks into our routine of being distant but tolerant roommates when I feel a shift in my mood and a change of energy through my body. At first, I think it’s something to do with Sakesh, but when I lose my appetite and suddenly get tired and sick, I know what it has to be.
Late one night, when Dan is asleep on the couch, I go into the kitchen and perform a small, simple spell with tea leaves. The answer is clear.
I’m pregnant.
I sit down at the table, my hands shaking. I feel cold and alone, exhausted to the point of collapse, and so sick and hungry I don’t know if I want to eat everything in the house or throw up. I put my face in my hands, feeling tears trickling down my cheeks.
I’m so alone.
A faint flicker of movement blooms within me, and I realize I’m not alone, and I never will be, ever again.
Oh, kid. What the fuck have I done?
I put one hand on my belly, trying to calm my thoughts, but they just keep bolting around my head like horses loose on a racetrack. The nerves only make me even more nauseous, and I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.
I have to talk to Dan.
The idea of just walking away is extremely attractive, more so now than it was the day before. Now that I have a child to protect, getting as far away from Sakesh as possible seems like a very smart idea, and the stress of being with a man who can’t love me certainly won’t do my baby any good.
But my child deserves to know their father. If I leave, I’d have to lie—about everything.
I’d end up keeping my magic a secret if I lived in the human world, and I’d be more of an outcast than ever before. It would only be a matter of time before my kid started asking questions, and they’d be an outcast, too, with secrets to keep.
The idea is so unbearable that fresh tears trickle down my cheeks. Whatever I’ll have to suffer here, it would never be as bad as my child struggling to fit in with humans and eventually coming back here, anyway.
And hating me for lying. And running. And not telling Dan.
For a few minutes, I entertain the idea that maybe our child would be completely ordinary, without much power, and would fit in well in the human world. I can’t think about that for long before a sarcastic giggle cackles out of me.
The child of an alpha wolf and a powerful witch, conceived in a magical event, fighting against an ancient god. Good one, Grace.
The only thing left to do is talk to Dan, and I have no idea where to start. Even though weeks have gone by, we’ve barely said three words to each other, and I’m getting a vibe from him that he’s very comfortable like this and doesn’t want to talk or change the situation.
And the ache in my chest has not faded. I still can’t believe the way he turned on me after what we shared. To be so open, heart and soul, then have him close off from me… it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
The thought strikes me that trying to talk to him about our child might be far more painful, depending on how he takes the news.
What if we just keep going on as we are… oh, goddess, what if I can’t ever be close to him again, even while I’m holding our baby in my arms?
A low sob rises in my throat, forcing more tears down my cheeks. I have every confidence that he would be there for his child, but the idea of the rift between us staying this wide, even while we raise a child together, tears my chest in two.
“Grace?”
I jump so high that I bang my knees on the kitchen table. When I look up and see Dan in the doorway, I realize I’ve sat here so long, thinking about my problems, dawn has come, and it’s almost time to go out to the pack.
“Were you making breakfast this morning or…?” Dan lets the question trail off.
“I’m not very hungry,” I reply. “Maybe just a piece of toast for me.”
“Coffee?” he asks, going to the counter.
“No.”
Dan turns around slowly and looks at me, cocking his head to the side.
“Seriously? No coffee?”
“No, thanks.”
Dan’s eyes widen as if he has a million questions, but he just turns back to the counter and sets up the coffee for himself. I tilt the tea cup towards me, looking at the leaves again.
No mistaking it. Even if I didn’t believe the spell, I could feel the little flicker of light inside me.
“I see you’ve got tea,” Dan says. “Did you want me to put on some toast?”
“No,” I answer firmly. “I couldn’t handle smelling the charcoal. I’m going upstairs to get dressed.”
I turn and leave the kitchen, mentally cursing myself.
Great job, Grace! You really opened up a deep emotional connection with him so you can talk about the important issues in your life.
I try to go easy on myself as I get ready for the day, and by the time I return to the kitchen, I’m hungry enough to eat a piece of toast and have some tea. Dan eats his own food without looking up, and when it’s time to go, he stands by the table and waits for me, which is our usual routine.
I take my time, trying desperately to think of a way to open the subject before we leave, but struggling to find the words. Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I’m about to jump off a cliff, and the stress only churns my stomach further.
If you want me to make nice with your dad, kid, you might want to ease up on stirring my stomach.
“Ready?” Dan asks, watching me.
I nod and get up, following him out of the house. By the time we’re walking to town holding hands, some of the urgency has gone out of me.
Well, it’s too late to tell him now. I can’t do anything until late this evening, and that’s actually a relief.
When we arrive at our meeting area, Julia and Vanessa are waiting for me. Both of them greet me with a warm hug, and it lifts my mood immediately.
“Good morning,” Julia says. “You look tired, Grace. Are you alright?”
“Yes, thank you,” I say. “Just a rough sleep.”
“Let us know if you need some time off,” Vanessa says. “You’ve been putting in full days here in town, and I don’t think I’ve seen you take a single day off since we first moved here.”
“I just enjoy it,” I say honestly, putting an arm around her shoulders as we head towards the schoolhouse. “If I took a day off, I’d miss you too much.”
“We can meet up outside of a work setting,” Julia chuckles, giving me a squeeze from the other side. “We could have a girls' night. Drinks and pizza.”
“Oooh, yes,” Vanessa says. “And ice cream.”
“Pencil it in,” I reply. “For now, what’s our schedule look like?”
The girls give me the rundown on school projects, stocking the shops, managing the supply chain to the other packs, and preparations for the evening pack dinner.
We spend a full day making sure the pack business is running smoothly.
By the afternoon, we’ve settled into the comfortable routine of setting up dinner in the covered area by the park.
Even though Dan and I sit together, we don’t talk over the evening meal. So far, it doesn’t seem as if anyone has noticed our unity is an act, and it makes me worry about what will happen when I tell him about the baby.
I don’t want to tell him… but I have to. This isn’t the kind of problem I can just ignore and hope no one notices.
After dinner, we head home, and as the front door closes behind me, I watch Dan go towards the stairs. Nerves twist in my gut, but I take a deep breath and blink hard to gather the courage to speak.
“Dan, can we talk?”
He stops, turning around with a wide-eyed look. “What?”
“Can we go to the kitchen, please. I want to talk to you.”
“What about?”
“Us.”
His face changes, slowly locking down as if shutters are closing behind his beautiful blue eyes.
“Oh.”
“Please, Dan. It’s really important.”
He takes a few slow steps towards me, and I don’t like the look on his face.
He looks… suspicious.
“What do you want to tell me?” he asks, a slight hint of accusation in his voice. It’s so intense, I actually take a step back.
“I… we still haven’t talked about that night.”
He stares at me blankly.
“When we had sex.”
Still, Dan doesn’t react.
“And the snake was there—”
“Grace,” he growls in a very low voice. “Why are we talking about this?”
“Because it happened!” I cry, so frustrated that I forget the purpose of the conversation. “It was magical, and beautiful… it was the most powerful experience of my life! Then you just blew me off like I was some cheap Friday-night lay.”
Dan’s eyes glow as if fury has ignited inside him and is blazing through his blood. “You think I’d do that?” he says, his voice harsh. “Is that what you think of me?”
“You did do it!” I yell, folding my arms. “You refused to speak to me, hiding your feelings—”
“I’m not the one hiding things, though, am I, Grace?” he snaps. “I’m not the one with a big, dark secret.”
His words shock me so much that my mind goes completely blank. Fear rises in my gut, like a cold fist grasping my heart and squeezing it tight.
“What?” I mutter.
“Fuck it!” Dan snaps, stepping back. “Seriously, fuck all of this—”
“No!” I yell, stepping towards him as anger melts away my fear. “How dare you accuse me of secrets when you’re the one who’s locked up! I don’t really know anything about you, and I don’t understand why you won’t discuss that night. We have to, Dan. It was—it was—”
“It was a mistake!” he roars, his blue eyes blazing with the power of his wolf. “It should never have happened. I gave no permission to be used in a magical ritual, or whatever it was, and everything that happened after was only because I wasn’t right in my head.”
I take a step back, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. It’s a struggle to stop myself from putting my hand on my belly in an instinctive protective gesture.
A mistake. He just called our magical child a mistake.
“I—”
“No!” he yells. “Enough. I don’t have to listen to this.”
When he turns his back on me and storms out of the house, it’s a relief to hear his footsteps retreating away and the far-off slam of the back door.
I walk slowly over to the couch, frigid shock pouring through me.
Without even thinking, I pick up the blanket tossed over the back of the couch and wrap it around me.
Dan’s scent surrounds me, and hot tears pour down my cheeks. Instead of throwing the blanket across the room, I wrap it around me and immerse myself in him, curling up in the place he sleeps to let my tears flow.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now?