Chapter 6 - Alisha
While I’m walking up the laneway with Grace, a deep sense of unease builds inside me. I tried to brush off the comment from that elder, Mitchell, but every moment that goes by only makes it ring even louder in my head.
Swinging by this garden was a nice surprise, and it did distract me a bit. I’m also pretty impressed that Brad remembered how much I like plants.
In fact, it unsettles me quite a bit. If he cares about me so much, why the hell did he abandon me?
“Here we are, dear,” Grace says, leading me into a covered garden. “This is the nursery. Let me show you the hyacinths.”
I give her a little nod and a smile, wishing that I could open up about my troubles. All the feelings I’ve had to deal with on my own weigh heavily in my chest, making a stony lump in my throat that won’t let any words through.
Maybe she’s just being nice to me because I’m partnered with the alpha. I don’t know any of these people. She might look down on me just like the others do.
The weight in my chest increases until it’s almost hard to breathe. I suddenly feel completely trapped, even more than I did with Paul. Just that one comment from the ignorant pack member, and it feels like I’ve been transported back to my own pack, way back into my childhood.
At the time of my first shift, around six years old, nothing happened. My parents took me out into the woods with other shifter kids of the same age, and there was a big celebration planned for when we came back after our very first run.
One by one, the other kids changed and disappeared into the nearby woods. Some of them howled, others cried in joy, while our elders and parents stood guard to coach us through any difficulties we might have.
Once the others had all gone, every set of eyes turned to me. I stood there under the scrutiny of my family and elders, not having a single clue what to do or say.
They started to ask me questions. Was I feeling pressure inside my skin? What did the moonlight feel like to me? Did I have an urge to run free through the forest?
I didn’t know how to answer. I felt nothing.
Years passed, and still, I did not change. At first, I was supported. Every time a first shift ceremony was prepared, I’d be taken out with the others and coached through the steps. I tried as hard as I could, but nothing ever happened.
By the time I got to high school, everyone in town was beginning to avoid me. My parents barely spoke to me. I was so afraid and lonely, and I couldn’t believe I was being punished for something I had no control over.
The rest of the pack, and my family, made it absolutely clear they felt I did have control over it. I was met with anger by most of them, which only got worse if I tried to explain.
I think they wanted to believe I was doing it on purpose, because the alternative was too frightening. No shifter wants to face the thought that their ability could just be taken away, and they’d be powerless to stop it.
I started sneaking away to the gardens at the edge of town. I expected my teachers to get upset, and my parents to come looking for me. When they didn’t, I knew my previous loneliness had only been a drop in the bucket, and I was now facing an ocean of full-on abandonment.
Being amongst the plants always made me feel better, but I couldn’t live my whole life there. I’d go back to school, or home with my parents, and try to shine in other ways.
But it wasn’t enough. It was never enough!
One night, after being completely ignored by my parents, I went out to sit in the garden.
The leaves on the trees sighed in the wind, as if they were trying to sing me a comforting song.
When I saw the petals on the white roses silvered by the light of the full moon, I suddenly realized beyond all doubt that I was never going to shift.
And I left. I stood up, walked right out of that garden, and never looked back.
I found it easier to make my way in the human world than I expected.
I carried with me a prejudice, a deep scar that made me assume others were going to judge me for what I couldn’t do.
However, I found out pretty quickly that people have low expectations of each other, and if I could mop a floor and do dishes, I could earn a living easily enough.
I’d been moving around a bit before I ended up in Vegas, where I met Brad. I’d finally found a nice little house I could afford, a job with people I liked, and then, with Brad, the perfect boyfriend.
A sharp stab of pain slices through my chest, and I blink hard to force back the tears. Being abandoned by Brad was the ultimate confirmation of all my worst fears.
That I’m unlovable. That no one will ever want me.
“Are you alright, dear?” Grace asks, tipping back the brim of her hat to look closely at my face. “You’ve gone terribly pale.”
“I’m okay,” I answer. “Just thinking, that’s all.”
“Well, if you need to talk about anything, I’m right here, okay? I’m hoping we can spend some time together here. I could use an extra helper who actually knows what they’re doing.”
“Thank you,” I reply, smiling. I want to accept her words, and maybe even open up to her, but I’m still too afraid of being rejected.
I’ve known her for, like, two seconds. I’ve learned the hard way not to give my trust.
Grace goes back to talking about the hyacinths, and I track the conversation without really listening.
I can already tell her what’s wrong with them. It’s too warm here. They want to be in the corner where it’s cooler.
How come people can’t see things like this? It’s blindingly obvious.
My pain over Brad disappearing on me all those years ago runs right up against the awkwardness of sleeping in his bed last night.
The tangle of emotions is too much for me, and my mind shies away from it violently.
The emotional turmoil I’ve tried so hard to hold in all these years is breaking its banks, cresting out in a raging wave that consumes me with violent confusion.
I rebuilt myself again, after Brad. I became a new woman, twice burned and resurrected, ready to face the world. Then Paul had to come along…
Even though Brad had scarred me, what Paul did was far worse.
He charmed me into falling for him, then gradually inched up the abuse day by day until, before I knew it, I was twisting myself inside out to please him.
He became friends with everyone I knew and slowly turned them against me, until everyone thought I was weak, lazy, and sensitive.
And even I fucking believed it.
“So, what do you think?” Grace’s smooth voice cuts through my thoughts. “I’ve tried so hard with them, and I just keep going backwards.”
“They like more shade,” I answer, gesturing to the corner. “If you move them over there, I think they’ll thrive.”
“Okay, I’ll go get a trolley,” she says, smiling. “You don’t mind helping?”
“Not at all,” I reply, smiling back.
I watch her walk away, a sense of unease growing inside me. The warmth and connection I feel from Grace seem so genuine, and that’s what scares me so much about it.
I can’t trust my own judgement. She might be laughing at me behind my back, and I’d never know…
Suddenly, I can’t take another second of the inner conflict. I turn and run towards the side entrance of the nursery, wanting to put as much distance between me and Grace as possible. The plants ripple a little as I run by, as if they’re trying to chatter with me, but I close my senses off.
As I leave the nursery and run into the woods, full-blown fear explodes in my guts. Paul could be anywhere, and running straight out into the woods is a dangerous thing to do.
I’d rather get caught by him than live through this humiliation again. How dare that asshole say that to me—as if I have no value if I can’t shift!
I’d gone through the town earlier today with a vague sense of hope hovering in my heart, but when Mitchell spoke those words, it was as if I could feel the unpleasant scrutiny of every single person in the pack.
Anything but this. I can’t stand to fall in love with a place, a community, only to have it yanked out from under my feet again.
The smooth, sandy path gives way to rough rocks and tussocks of wiry grass. I barely notice the changing terrain as I run straight into the nearby woods and put as much distance between me and the town as possible.
I run for a good distance before the exertion begins to catch up to me, and when I slow down, thoughts of Brad flood my mind. Even though I try to deny it, there was a part of me that was hemstitching a future where the two of us fall in love again.
Don’t be so fucking stupid. It’s immature ideas like this that got you into trouble in the first place!
A little tear runs down my cheek, and I hold back a sob.
I will not fucking cry. I am going to make it out of here and build a new life—it’s what I’m good at!
This time, I won’t compromise. I won’t let anyone into my life ever again.
Even though I’m too tired to run, I keep up a brisk walk. Ideas of Brad continue to float around my head, and it makes me even more determined to get away from him.
Things have been so weird. Why is he so protective of me? He seems to think he can make up for the past, like I’ll just change my mind about him. But surely, he can see that’s never going to happen.
I walk for a few more miles, beginning to follow a narrow ridge. It angles upwards on a gentle slope, and I decide to go to the top and get my bearings. The sun is beginning to sink on my right, which means it must be west—the direction of Caliente.
I don’t know if I want to go back that way…it might be better to keep going south.
The rocky hills lead roughly east, so I decide to follow them for a while and see where I end up. Brad said there was nothing but desert in this direction, and that I’d never survive it, but he might have been lying.
Everyone lies to me. Why should he be any different?
I’m making good time moving east, with the sun sinking slowly behind me, when I hear footsteps in the scrub below.
I freeze for a second, listening. Even though the person seems to have covered their noise, I can still sense them there.
What the fuck am I going to do?
The thought of Paul taunts my mind, but it shocks me to realize that he isn’t actually my worst fear right now. I’m even more afraid of one of Brad’s elders or pack members showing up then dragging me back into town for a bit of public ridicule.
Anything but that! Fuck!
I start to run, heading for a dip between the two hills ahead of me. I’m hoping to find a cave or somewhere else to hide while I try to come up with a plan.
I don’t exactly have a lot of options here.
Before long, I can hear the soft thud of footsteps behind me. Whoever it is makes an effort to stay quiet, but I can feel them gaining on me. I try to pick up speed, but almost immediately, I catch my foot on a rock and stumble forward, rolling down the hill in a nasty fall.
“Fuck,” I grunt, looking at myself in dismay. I’m covered in little scratches and bruises, trembling from the shock of slamming into the ground. Directly above me, I hear a twig snap as someone comes towards me.
With the sun behind them, I can’t get a good look at their face. I set my lips in a determined line and stick my chin out, ready to face another nightmare.
Paul, the elders, my parents—I don’t give a fuck. Come at me.
Then, the person above me comes into focus, the afternoon sun slanting across his face. It’s Brad, and he’s wearing an incredibly worried expression, his pale blue eyes full of fear and concern.
I watch him approach, feeling that lump in my throat swelling again, getting even bigger than before.
My feelings swirl inside me, a complex bundle of resentment and relief.
When he stops in front of me and looks down at my face, all I can see in his eyes is deep concern for me and happiness that he found me.
Don’t do it, Alisha…don’t let your guard down!
He smiles at me, and I know it’s already way too late. Like it or not, my shields are down, and he’s under my skin. Just like he was three years ago, the very first night we met.