Chapter 18 - Alisha
I sit on the edge of Grace’s bathtub, staring at the strip in my hand with its bright blue line. There is no denying what the test in my hand says.
Blue means pregnant.
Grace hasn’t left the house for days, and even though I trust her completely, I didn’t want to share this news with her yet, especially since I wasn’t sure. When she went out, I biked down to the little store on the corner to get the test, then took it the moment I got back.
I put my hand on my belly, trying to come to terms with my new reality. When it was only a maybe, it didn’t seem to change my life that much. But now, everything looks different, and I know it will never be the same again.
I’m really pregnant…with Brad’s child…
When I was with him before, even though it was such a short romance, I dreamed of this. I couldn’t wait for the day he’d tell me he wanted to have a child, and we could welcome this moment together.
And now I’m sitting alone, reading this test, and wondering if I even want to tell him.
Even though I feel shocked and unsure, there is a certainty inside that seems to come from deep within my bones.
I will protect this tiny life growing inside me from anything and everything, and if that means getting out of here so Brad can never hurt us again, then I’ll make plans to leave right now.
I bury the test in the garbage, and just as I’m walking out of the bathroom, I hear a horrible pounding on the door. My heart starts hammering in the same rhythm as I hurry towards the front of the house.
“Alisha!” Brad cries, and I stop in the hallway, staring at the door shuddering in its hinges as Brad pounds on it.
“I know you’re in there!” he yells. “Answer me!”
I’m still debating how to respond—or if I even want to—when the door busts open, swinging towards me. Brad charges up the hallway, his face crumpling when he sees me.
I’m shocked by his appearance. His skin looks too pale, marked with dark shadows of stress on his cheeks and around his eyes.
His lips are dry, and a few days of prickly blond growth spreads across his cheeks and chin.
The long, pale blond hair that is usually shiny and neat is twisted and knotted around his face, and the clear, bright blue of his irises has faded to pale gray.
“Alisha,” he says, his voice drawn out like a moan. “Oh my God, are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” I mutter, holding out my hand, unsure if I’m pushing him away or inviting him closer.
“I’m sorry,” he says, gently taking my hand. “I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been searching for you for days, and all I’ve wanted to do is tell you that.”
“I’m the one who ran out on you,” I whisper. “And it looks like I put you through a rough time.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he says, shaking his head. “I deserve everything you want to throw at me. All you’ve ever done is love me, and I have betrayed that love with lies.”
“Well,” I answer. “I think you had a better reason than most people.”
“No excuse,” he says. “I want to tell you everything.”
“Okay,” I reply, nodding. “Come down to the living room and sit down. How did you know I was here?” I ask as I lead the way.
“Grace told me,” he says.
“What? But she said—”
“She’s afraid, Alisha,” Brad says, as he comes into the living room behind me. “She’s truly frightened about the dreams you’ve been having, and that if danger is coming, she can’t protect you.”
“Okay,” I say, sitting down. “I’m not ready to forgive her, but I’ll admit that I understand her actions.”
Brad sits down on the couch, and Sabrina leaps into my lap, stretching out before settling down and purring. I keep my eyes calmly fixed on Brad, and he fidgets a little, showing clear anxiety.
It completely sucks that I missed him so much. I’m almost ready to jump straight into his lap. In spite of everything, just seeing him gives me a feeling of contentment…like everything is right if he’s in my life.
“Okay,” Brad says. “I’m not sure what Scarlett said, but I’m sure it wasn’t detailed, so I’ll start at the beginning.”
He looks up at me and fixes me with his bright blue eyes, and I’ve never seen him look so serious.
“I was undercover, working on breaking crime rings that were running through the bar where you worked. I tried to stay away from you, but it just seemed like every night I was there, you were, too.”
“I feel the same,” I agree, smiling. “Getting involved with customers is, like, the stupidest thing you can do. I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t stop myself from lingering at your table.”
“Yeah,” he says, smiling at the memory. “I should have just completely changed my routine or tapped out to another Shadow, but I was selfish. I just wanted to see you one more time, and I kept telling myself that—just once more, I’d keep saying.”
“I know what you mean.”
“I want you to know something, right now, Alisha,” he says, almost sternly. “I wouldn’t do anything different. Being with you has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I’ll never regret it.”
“Okay,” I answer, a small smile coming to my face. “I can understand that. I’m glad, too. I never would have forgotten you, either.”
Brad looks away and sighs, guilt rippling across his face.
“I should not have pursued you. It was damn right fucking selfish and dangerous. I brought you into my world. It was so, so stupid, for so many reasons.”
I don’t have anything to say to that, and in the face of his guilt, my anger rises. I know it is justified, but he looks so wrecked, I can’t bear to take it out on him.
“So, the mission came to a head. I was at risk of having my cover blown. I had to get out of there quick to protect my unit and you. We ended up getting the bad guys, too, and I just left with the military that very night.”
“You think I don’t remember how suddenly you left?” I say, hearing the accusation in my voice. “I went to the police, for fuck’s sakes. I thought something happened to you!”
“I’m truly sorry about that,” he answers. “And even sorrier that officially, I don’t even exist.”
“Got that right!” I snap. “I thought I got played by a fucking ghost!”
“A Shadow, actually,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s what we do. We vanish.”
“You sure as hell fucking did that!” I cry, my anger finally slipping free from my control.
“Look, Alisha,” Brad says, running a hand through his hair. “Even if I hadn’t had to move on for the mission, it wasn’t going to work. Having a relationship was utterly forbidden, and I would have been locked up by my own commanders if they found out—and they might have gone after you, too.”
“What?” I almost scream.
“Yeah. You’d be considered a loose end, a potential liability. Wolf’s Shadow doesn’t kill innocent people, but they also have ways of keeping people quiet.”
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter.
“Yeah. Do you see why I didn’t tell you?”
“I do. But I have to know—was the connection as deep for you as it was for me?”
“Yes, baby, yes!” Brad exclaims, hurrying over to kneel at my feet.
He takes my hands gently, and Sabrina gives him a one-eyed blink.
“I knew you were my mate,” Brad adds. “But I slowly convinced myself that you weren’t, and I was just imagining things.
I told myself that I couldn’t possibly know how serious a relationship was after a couple of months, so I never called or wrote. ”
This news cuts me pretty deep, and I try to swallow it, even as hot tears prick the edges of my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” he says, stroking my knee. “I really am. You’re the only thing in the world that ever meant anything to me, and I almost threw you away. I’m such a fucking fool, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
I shake my head, speechless as tears trickle down my cheeks.
“I wasn’t strong enough to set my priorities straight,” he says. “And I never told you this before because the guilt shackled me, and I didn’t know how to break free from it. I just wanted you to see who I’ve become, and judge me as the man I am now, instead of who I used to be.”
I swallow again, and the lump in my throat finally moves and melts away.
“I was completely open with you,” I say. “I shared everything with you, and you kept this from me!”
“I know!” he answers, kissing my hand gently.
“And I had to find out from your best friend’s wife! Do you have any idea how shocking that was?”
“I can imagine, and I’m so, so sorry.”
Even though I want to hold out, his pain makes a deep impression on me. His eyes are rimmed with red, as if he hasn’t slept in days, and with every secret he exposes, he seems to crumple, as if life leaves him with every admission.
And I can give it back to him. Only I can.
“Please, Alisha, come home with me,” he says. “I know I don’t deserve it, but it doesn’t have to be reconciliation. Just let me keep you safe. That’s all I ask.”
The idea of being trapped in his house with him makes my heart lurch, but it’s not entirely in fear or mistrust.
I slipped up before…and slept with him. It would be easy to do it again.
Brad grips my knee, his eyes wide and pleading. “I can’t bear the thought of you being hurt,” he says.
Even though my defenses try to rise, I realize I can’t put them back up. He genuinely cares for me, and he’d sacrifice himself to keep me safe—that much is clear.
I look into his eyes for a few more minutes, thinking about my own secret, and how it feels like there’s still too much in this town I don’t know about.
Why do I feel like I still don’t have the whole truth?
I examine Brad’s face one more time, and I know, when it comes to us, his soul has been scrubbed clean. I can sense other things—dangerous things—but it doesn’t have anything to do with the two of us, or anything that happened in our past.
“Please, Alisha,” he says. “Come home with me.”
I think about it for only one more moment, considering not just myself, but his child that he doesn’t even know about yet.
“Okay,” I answer. “I’ll come home with you, Brad.”
And this time, I’ll be the one holding back.