Chapter 16 - Sara
By the time I cry out every last tear in me, I’m so exhausted, I expect sleep to claim me immediately. Even though I do slip under, my dreams are so vivid, they keep waking me up and leaving me more tired than before.
After the fourth hard jolt back to wakefulness, I wonder if it’s worth staying in bed. Shawn’s words ring through my mind, and shame pulses in my heart as I think about what he took from me.
Sleep creeps up on me again, and I struggle through a dark, shadowy forest, caught in low branches and vines. When I look behind me to see what I’m running from, all I can see is a massive pair of glowing green eyes, just like Shawn’s.
Just as the beast tries to speak to me, I wake up with a jolt. I blink up at the ceiling, realizing that the room is light and it must be mid-morning.
Shit! I’m in for it now. What if Father is here?
I throw myself out of bed and stumble down the hall, listening intently. When all I can hear is silence, it doesn’t reassure me.
Father and Shawn could be waiting outside with his men, ready for a public punishment.
My chest is so tight that I can’t breathe as I enter the kitchen, but all I find is Shawn sitting quietly at the table, reading a book. The scene is so peaceful, it takes me a moment to understand it.
“Sara!” Shawn says, getting up. “You’re awake! I made pancakes and picked ripe berries. I’ve even gotten fresh cream from Mrs. Morrow to go with it.”
I want to make an angry remark, but disbelief makes my head swim, and it’s as if I can’t find my tongue.
“I picked some violets for you, too,” he says, gesturing to the vase. “Sit down, and I’ll get you some coffee.”
Angry words flash through my mind, and the pressure in my chest increases until it feels like I’m going to explode, but I still can’t say anything. Shawn puts a cup of coffee in front of me with a little jar of cream and a pot of sugar, and I stare at it suspiciously.
When he puts the food down in front of me, he immediately retreats, as if he’s afraid I might throw it at him. I consider that very seriously for a moment before I decide I’m actually too hungry to waste the food.
Shawn sits down across from me, and I take a sip of coffee, watching him. His green eyes are big and full of pain, and my old people-pleasing reflex almost gives in to it.
No. Fuck him. Let him suffer.
“Sara,” he says gently. “I know I’ve done something unforgivable. I knew it when I was doing it. I just prayed that you would understand when I could finally explain.”
I look down at my plate, starting on the pancakes so I don’t have to talk. Immediately, the creamy sweetness soothes me, hitting the back of my tongue and sending little waves of pleasure through me.
Don’t get distracted. This is how he got you before.
“Sara,” he says. “I’m sorry I said those things to you. But I had to.”
I swallow a mouthful of food, glaring at him in disbelief.
“I know how that sounds,” he says. “But there is something going on here, and—”
He breaks off suddenly, his eyes unfocused as he thinks.
“And?” I prod.
“And I want to explain it to you,” he says. “But I don’t know if I should.”
“Oh,” I say, looking down at my plate again. “I guess I know where I stand, then.”
“No,” he protests. “It isn’t like that. I promise—”
“Don’t promise me anything,” I chuckle harshly. “I literally cannot fucking handle it.”
Shawn goes quiet, looking down at his hands. I work on my pancakes, appreciating the gesture in spite of myself.
I want to believe his apology, but now he’s just basically admitted he’s hiding things from me. What is he hiding, and why can’t he trust me?
After we finish breakfast, Shawn immediately takes the plates.
“I’ll clean up,” he says. “We need to head out to the hall. My friends should be back in town today.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. They had to get back to their own packs right after the wedding, but they promised to come within a week with supplies for the town. My phone hasn’t had reception, so I haven’t been able to confirm.”
“Okay,” I answer. “I’ll get ready.”
I go back to the bedroom, thinking about the situation with some conflict. I want to believe that Shawn is a good guy, but so far, he really looks like a liar. A power-hungry mongrel just like Father.
And now his buddies are on their way here. Once he’s got backup, he can truly do whatever he wants.
I take care getting ready, wanting to present myself well for the other packs. While we walk up the path towards the front of the hall, I realize I feel more trapped right now than I ever have in my whole life.
Shawn being nice to me, playing with my feelings, is so much worse than Father and Melanie’s cruelty. As bad as it was back then, at least I always knew never to hope.
There is a small crowd gathered at the front of the hall, and I have to clear my head so I can play my part. It isn’t easy to hold on to Shawn’s arm, smiling and nodding as we greet the others, and I’m sure that someone is going to see straight through me.
More than once, I stumble, and Shawn has to catch me. He acts gentlemanly and gracious, and it confuses me so much, I want to scream at him.
I just want to fucking scream, full stop.
Along with the strange, disconnected feeling, there is a dull ache behind my eyes and a hazy glow around everything.
It’s the poor night’s sleep and my stress levels. I just need to rest when this all settles down.
When there is a flurry of voices at the end of the street, I realize the other packs have arrived already, and the effort of keeping myself together feels like lifting a thousand tons of steel.
I was hoping to rest before they came! Fuck!
Shawn hurries over and greets his friends. I see Father and his men join them, as well as others from the pack loyal to him. I hang back, hoping I won’t have to get involved, but all the women immediately turn to me.
“Sara!” Scarlett says, waving as she hurries over. “It’s so nice to see you again.”
“And you,” I answer automatically, returning her hug.
Grace and Alisha approach, and the bright auras I’ve been seeing seem to shimmer around them both. My head swims, and the air around me feels thick and hot.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Scarlett asks, holding my arm.
“Yes, I’m okay,” I say. “It’s just the heat, I think.”
“We should get you home to rest. We’ll leave our supplies at the hall and go on up to the house.”
“Okay,” I agree, letting her lead me back up the street. My head clears a little, but I still feel like holding myself up is an extreme effort, and it’s a relief when we get to the house and go through to the covered garden.
“Oh, it’s beautiful in here,” Alisha says, sitting on a low stone bench. “It’s just completely wild. Is it your garden?”
“It belonged to the previous luna,” I reply. “I haven’t tended it much since she died, but Jess liked it chaotic, anyway.”
“I do, too,” Grace says, sitting next to Alisha. Immediately, a couple of hens appear, pecking around for food. Alisha smiles and pets one gently, and the hens don’t run from her.
She’s the one who killed some of our warriors…but she seems like such a gentle soul. I don’t understand.
“Hope you don’t mind,” Scarlett says from behind me. “But I took liberties with your kitchen. Iced tea, anyone?”
All of us voice an affirmative as Scarlett comes in with a tray of drinks. We sit in silence for a moment, and I press my eyes closed, trying to blink away the strange lights in my vision.
“Are you really okay?” Scarlett asks, sitting down next to me. “You look exhausted. You can tell us anything, you know. We’re here to help.”
Even though I barely know these girls, I’m desperate for company, and Scarlett’s kind tone cracks through my defenses.
“I’ve just been having a rough time sleeping,” I say, trying to stop my tears from spilling down my cheeks.
“Oh, honey,” Scarlett says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Please, tell me what’s wrong. I’m sure we can help.”
Fuck it. They know Shawn. Maybe they can help me untangle this fucking web of lies!
“It’s Shawn,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady. “We were just taking it slow, you know. But he was so nice…I let myself get close to him. We slept together. Then, the next morning, he treated me like trash and said terrible things to me.”
“Oh, hun,” Scarlett says, patting my back. “There’s got to be more to it. Shawn’s one of the good ones.”
“Yeah,” Grace agrees. “He’s been working at the gardens for the last few months, and he’s a real gentleman. I can’t even imagine him disrespecting a woman—or anyone at all, really.”
“The guys do have secrets,” Alisha says thoughtfully. “I mean, maybe he doesn’t know you well enough to explain it all?”
I look steadily at Alisha, trying not to glare at her. “Can you explain it?”
Her violet eyes widen, and she shakes her head a little. “We’re here to form stronger bonds with your pack,” she says gently. “That isn’t going to happen overnight. There is a lot going on, and I’m no stranger to getting shocks from my new husband, believe me. But with time, it all comes together.”
“Could you be more cryptic?” Scarlett mutters. “I don’t think that’s helping.”
“Can you tell us anything else?” Grace asks. “More context? Was there any reason at all for him to disrespect you?”
I open my mouth to tell them that it was in front of my father, but slowly close it again, thinking furiously.
Careful…
“All I know is he talked me into sleeping with him, then the next morning, he acted like it was a chore. He treated me like a queen, but the moment he had me, I was expected to be a slave.”
“That’s it?” Scarlett asks. “He’s just been like that since you slept together?”
“No,” I admit grudgingly. “He apologized and said he had a reason. I just haven’t heard him out yet.”
“There you go!” Alisha says. “All you have to do is let him explain. I’m not going to defend his actions—it was totally a shitty thing to do—but he obviously had a reason.”
I’m on the verge of telling her that just a few hours ago, Shawn backtracked, deciding not to trust me, but then I have the uncomfortable realization that whatever “it” is, Alisha is probably in on it.
All of them are! They have to be.
“Sure,” I say, looking down at my lap. “That’s great advice, and when we get a chance, I’ll listen to him with an open mind.”
I put my head down and look at my hands, hearing the others talking but not following the conversation.
I want to believe that Shawn has a good heart. I have feelings for him, I just can’t deny it, and it’s making me weak.
This prison of emotion is by far the worst I have ever found myself in. It’s worse than Father’s threats, or even real chains that he could bind me with.
There is only one way out of this: to disappear, just like I always planned.
I realize now that one of my dearest wishes has been granted.
Finally, my current situation is so dangerous and unendurable, the pitfalls beyond Clover’s borders look like nothing in comparison.
I have every confidence I can overcome them and get to the human cities before anyone can catch me and bring me back.
My dream fills my mind, easing the pain in my chest and giving me hope. Suddenly, it’s easy to rejoin the conversation and talk to the other women, because I know I don’t have to keep this up forever.
All I need to do is play the part a little longer and keep my eyes peeled for an opening—then I’m gone, and I’m never coming back.