Guilty
Three years later
“I don’t know, Ami…” I trailed off as I folded my legs beneath me on my bed. I was extremely uncomfortable with this plan.
“Why not? Is there a reason you don’t want to?” she asked, the frustration evident. She took a deep breath before sighing, and tried again. “Aren’t you angry?”
Of course, I was, but that’s the thing about best friends: they’re always angrier than you.
Ami’s the nicest fucking person in the world and we’ve been inseparable since Omega Academy days.
She’d spent most of that time warring with herself—an Alpha spirit trapped in an Omega designation.
Society nearly broke her for it, yet she kept fighting.
Only thing that could keep us apart was distance.
After graduation, she was flown back to her parents, and held under lock and key.
We’d been apart for years, but were just as close as we had been freshman year.
Seeing someone daily didn’t define a friendship.
Despite me being the youngest girl of nine, Ami was closer to me than my siblings, and the only one that went crazy when she found out.
Sometimes blood wasn’t thicker than water.
“And you’re still worried about him… why?
” she huffed. “After everything he’s done, he doesn’t deserve any of your thoughts!
” I flinched, pulling the phone away from my ear as her voice screeched through the speaker.
My ear was ringing, but my best friend was right.
She told me countless times over the years to leave him, but I never did.
I stayed with him, and for what? I wanted to laugh, but couldn’t. I don’t think I remembered how.
I tried not to dwell on it. It was all in the past. I focused on the next hour, then the one after that, carving a path through the emptiness of my new life.
Her advice was sound, logical, but the thought of going out made my heart hammer.
I knew I needed to do this, to get out more, but it made me nervous.
It still didn’t feel right. When it came to this twisted loyalty, I couldn’t lie to myself yet.
My heart was still loyal to him. The treacherous, stubborn organ was not so easily persuaded.
“It has been eight months, Vee. You need to just back into it. You’re still stuck on him. I can see it 5,000 miles away! The best way to get over someone is to get underneath another. Look at him, he didn’t even wait until the two of you were over—”
“Ami,” I warned, my chest pained.
“What? I’m being real with you. I won’t lie, and I won’t sugarcoat shit.
It’s only fair that you be with someone else.
Don’t think about him, don’t worry about his stupid feelings.
Knots! Put yourself first for once! It won’t hurt to go out there and have a good time.
Even without the shitty ex, don’t you think you deserve to have a good time? ” Ami asked.
“Yes…,” I sighed.
“Thank goodness. So go out there, meet a handsome guy or two… or three and have some fun,” Ami said.
It’s not that easy. I was with him for almost six years, but it isn’t easy to explain that.
I know there’s nothing wrong with being with other people now.
We weren’t together, but tell that to my heart.
The empty space he left behind makes me nauseous.
Worse, my heart missed him. My abused Omega instincts were screaming that I did something wrong every time I swiped right on Mythinder, the dating app for the presented.
Just lingering on a guy’s picture to look at his face made me feel guilty.
I had been his for so long, the idea of offering myself to another felt like a betrayal worthy of punishment.
It’s not fair.
He’s the one who fucked up, not me.
Stop.
“… so go, be free my child, and enjoy some dick,” she said when I tuned back in to the conversation.
“I’ve got to go. Mother’s hosting an event tomorrow and if this place isn’t spotless by tonight, she’ll have my head,” I said.
“Why would you need to do that?” Ami said.
“Don’t start with that. You already know how things are here,” I sighed as I squeezed the bridge of my nose.
“I love your mom, but she’s wrong for that.” I cracked my neck at her words, the knot of resentment tightening in my shoulders.
“I know, but…” The words died in my throat.
I couldn’t explain the reality. Mother was the Alpha now, ruling a tight ship of adopted Betas and my siblings since Father died.
As the youngest and the only Omega, the responsibility for all the cooking and cleaning was mine.
The hired help? Gone years ago. We all knew what Omegas were good for, and since I was deemed unable to amount to anything else, I was expected to prove my worth by keeping everything in order before even thinking of stepping out the door.
“Love you. Keep me updated,” Ami pretended to say sternly.
“Love you too. Don’t get too drunk this weekend,” I joked.
“I promise not to get wasted if you promise to get laid,” Ami teased. I knew by the tone of her voice that her mischievous eyes were swinging left to right the way they always did at Academy.
“No promises,” I said, a small smile pulled at the corner of my lip.
“At least try,” Ami whined. That Omega whine could work on any Alpha, but I wasn’t an Alpha.
“Try,” I promised.
“Try,” she agreed.
Then she was gone. I hopped off my bed and shoved the phone into my back pocket before grabbing a hoodie.
I didn’t check myself in the mirror. I hated looking at myself.
I never looked at my reflection anymore.
My phone dinged, and I didn’t need to look.
I knew it was Mother. I’m sure she had sent me a list of what she needed done.
I rushed out of my room and made my way downstairs.
I started in the sitting room; picking up everything from the floor, vacuuming, and fluffing the cushions.
I tossed the throw over the side of the sectional.
My mind on the three guys I managed to swipe right on.
They reached out to me after we matched.
It was nice having someone message me to see how I was doing, but meeting up was another thing.
Their profiles seared behind my eyelids as I made my way through the hallway and into the next room.
There was James, Eduard, and Dane. All really good looking, but completely different in their own way.
I swiped right on James because he had kind eyes and looked put-together.
His profile said he was a low-ranked Warrior working for a nearby pack, which I liked because I didn’t want to meet anyone who might know who I am or want to get close to me because of my mother.
I swiped right on Eduard because he was what I used to like at OA: Korean, tall, muscular, but if you pumped him full of steroids.
He liked the same foods I did, and thankfully, wasn’t a Warrior.
He was a member of a pack 2 hours away. I didn’t think I’d ever meet up with him, but if he put in the effort to come see me, I’d make time for him.
Then there was Dane. Knots, just his name had my thighs clenching.
He was high risk, but I swiped right because he was everything I had ever wanted, fantasy-wise.
Think ABOTok. The idea of him in a mask made me melt in a way I haven’t in a long fucking time.
And if I ever met up with him, that’s all it would be: a fantasy.
When I picked a book off my Tbr to read the dirtiest, smuttiest, violent-filled dark romance novel, I pictured a man like Dane.
Yeah, he’s my favorite.
After cleaning the disaster that was the kitchen, I finally met Mother’s standards. I had just enough time to shower and change if I wanted to keep my promise to Ami and ‘try’. I was going to show up to the date with James even if my body was screaming at me to stay hidden in my room.
There are millions of people in the world, not everyone is lucky enough to cross paths with their scent match, and I’m not one of those delusional enough to believe I’ll get my chance now, not with all this baggage.
I don’t want to find someone to be by my side forever.
I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not that.
My dark romance loving heart likes Dane because of what he symbolizes, and the fact that he’s a Sergeant.
Men in uniform always did something to me.
The truth was I tried to see other people, but I always bailed out at the last minute.
If I’d told Ami about this date, she’d want details of every position and she’d want me to check in.
I had no plans of sleeping with anyone, but she didn’t know that.
There was a lot she didn’t know. I wasn’t the same loud-mouthed, give zero fucks girl she knew back at OA.
I couldn’t even lift my eyes to look a man in the eyes. I was so fucking broken.
But I wanted to try. I wanted to see how it felt to spend time with another man.
Baby steps.
James was the safest option. As if there was anything safe about meeting up with strangers you match with on the internet.
The chances only got worse when you went back to their place, or somewhere dark and secluded.
The horror stories and the woman dismembered on the news sent a shiver down my spine.
But the things a girl will do for some dick.
My reasons didn’t matter, I was still doing something stupid.
And that brought me closer to the girl I used to be.
Despite every survival instinct warning me not to meet up with James, I did it anyway. My instincts never saved me.
My hands were sweaty yet icy as I walked through the theater doors. He was right there, standing out like a sore thumb, but he hadn’t seen me yet. He was glorious, really. Tall, blonde, blue eyes with broad, dependable shoulders. He was the type where you could read his soul through his eyes.
He turned and saw me. I couldn’t help from lowering my chin and staring at the ground. I hated this, but my body just froze up. I couldn’t take another step forward. It wasn’t something I should do, but those damn instincts overpowered me.
It was learned behavior from him.
James cut through the distance, his shoes coming into view moments before he swept me up in a big hug. When he put me down, I lifted my chin and met his gaze, he was all smiles. I couldn’t help but feel comfortable. His eyes swept down my body and I flushed.
“Woo-ee, Vera, you’re beautiful,” he complimented.
“Thanks, you too,” I parroted. I dropped my gaze, groaning internally. I was so awkward. I wasn’t used to them and I sure as hell wasn’t used to this attention.
“Let’s get some popcorn.” His hand hovered at my lower back, guiding me toward the concessions.
I was late, so it was empty. I waited quietly by his side as he got my favorite chocolates; Goobers and Hersheys with almonds.
My breath caught. He wasn’t just grabbing candy; he was reaching for the Goobers and Hershey’s with almonds.
A casual comment I’d made when we’d discussed my unhealthy love for chocolate just last week.
Fuck, I’m embarrassing. The bar is in hell and I don’t even care.
He pocketed the bags of crack and passed me the drinks before grabbing the popcorn. Two. Amos always made me share with him so we didn’t waste money. I swore under my breath, hating how easily he came to mind.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” James asked as we walked into our gate.
“Uh, to get to the other side?” I offered.
He leaned close, his eyes filled with excitement, then he tilted his head back as he said, “Be-CAW-zz!”
I was so caught off, my jaw dropped and then I burst into laughter. The people in the first row watched me as we made our way up to the middle.
“First time I’ve seen you smile. You should do it more.
” His voice rumbled in my ear and my stomach dropped.
It wasn’t his fault, but I wasn’t used to the attention.
We sat as a trailer started. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been out on a date.
When we ran out of popcorn, he ran out and refilled it.
After the movie, I expected him to pressure me to go back to his truck, but he didn’t.
“You hungry? Want to grab a bite?” Knots. He was sweet. A guy offering to get me food? I’d love that, but all I could think about was the twenty sitting in my account. Guilt washed over me as I stressed over the cost of the tickets and snacks.
“Thanks, James. I’d love that, but I ate so much junk food I think if I’m putting anything else in my mouth I might throw up. Maybe next time?” I tried.
“Damn it. I wish. I’m flying out tomorrow. They’ve got me assigned on the east coast. I don’t know when I’ll get the chance to come back.” His shoulder dropped and his eyes filled with sadness. Everything about him was good, but still, I hesitated. I hadn’t removed that barrier between us.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I wish we could have done this sooner.” I smiled. It was the truth. Everything about him checked out, but I think that’s what it was. He was too nice. I wouldn’t be able to find any fault in him. He was relationship material, but I wasn’t.
And therein was the truth.
I wasn’t ready for that.
There was something I needed. I just didn’t know what it was yet. He gave me a hug and I let him.
“Goodnight, James,” I said when he pulled away. My first date was a success. I hadn’t been chopped up into a million pieces. I had done the thing, and that was a step in the right direction. But walking away from James, and the safety he offered, only solidified a truth: nice wasn’t what I wanted.