Chapter 35 #2
No time was ever lost with my father around.
He was like a clock himself, always moving forward and never looking back.
When we reached Basseterre, we went immediately to the ship and checked in with the first mate.
Every step onto the deck made my legs wobble as I recalled the last time I was aboard a vessel.
Very few good things had occurred on the ships in my memory.
I was led to the women’s quarters and found two other ladies settling in.
I wasn’t sure if I wished to be alone, or if I was glad of the company.
Either way, they seemed to be good-spirited sort of women.
The first, a petite blonde woman with blue eyes, reminded me of Melody.
She was called Marianne. The second was her mother, also petite but with auburn hair styled intricately.
I wondered how she would keep that style up aboard a ship.
My question was quickly answered when a stout woman entered the room with a pail of water.
She was introduced as their lady’s maid, Ruth. She barely acknowledged me.
After setting my things down on my bunk bed, I dug out Mr. Ashby’s letter. But I decided I needed air instead of reading it, so I put it off and went to the top deck.
The sun was already setting, and trepidation flipped inside of me at the thought of another journey across the sea beginning at dawn.
I reminded myself that my experience on the Katarina was uncommon.
Traveling was usually uneventful. Still, the fear existed within me.
Beyond that, I missed Patrice and Mr. Ashby, who had been there for my first voyage.
I wasn’t sure what it would be like without them.
My father came to stand beside me. “It will be fine, Elsie. No need to worry. I am here this time, and nothing like what happened on the Katarina will ever happen to you again.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“I hope you feel peace now that you are returning to the place you belong.” He looked at me expectantly, and I met his eyes with a small smile.
“Of course, Papa. I miss home tremendously.”
“As do I. This is the longest I’ve been away for years.
I don’t intend to leave again until I die.
” His resolution sunk deep into my skin.
Because he didn’t just mean it for himself; he was certain I would never wish to leave, either.
I wondered what he would say to my doubts, that I may not want to live in Scotland forever?
“I wonder how my niece or nephew is. Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?”
A small, proud smile stretched his lips. “A boy, certainly. Logan needs a brother. I was always sorry Cameron couldn’t have a brother as well.”
“I’ll try not to take offense at that,” I said with sarcasm.
“I am sorry you could not have a sister, too.” He smiled at me. “Though I think Melody a good substitute for the real thing.”
“Indeed. A most satisfactory sister.”
We smiled briefly at each other and then turned our attention fully to the harbor.
I didn’t have to wonder what was on my father’s mind; he rarely thought of anything besides Edleroy.
My mind, however, went in every direction imaginable.
This would be a very long one to two months if my thoughts continued in such a manner. I would need to find an occupation.
Before the sun set completely, I asked my father if I could go purchase a few items that would keep me entertained.
He went with me, and I bought a large amount of parchment, quills, and ink, along with books about navigation, economics, agriculture, and even poetry.
Along with those things, I added several candles and matches.
It wouldn’t do to use the ship’s rationed candles as often as I’d need them.
We returned to the ship and came into contact with the captain.
He looked at me with an upturned nose. “Don’t much like women aboard, but if I had to bring along my own wife and daughter, not much harm in bringing along another one.
” He bowed, then, as if he’d just remembered his manners.
“Keep to the lower decks, Miss Findlay. Having women on the top decks distracts the crew.”
“I see. I shall do so, Captain.” I glanced at my father, who frowned, knowing that staying below deck would be challenging.
A long month, indeed.
My father went to his quarters and I entered my cabin just as the women were leaving it. We smiled at each other but didn’t speak. I had the distinct impression that they had no intention of forming a friendship with me. No matter.
I sat and opened my bag, where Mr. Ashby’s letter awaited. I eagerly ripped it open and read.
Dear Miss Findlay,
This is my third attempt at writing this letter.
I tell you this not because I want you to know how difficult it is for me to say these things, but because I want you to understand how important it is that I say them correctly.
There have never been more important words to write in the entirety of my life.
And although you probably have guessed at my feelings, I believe you could not have guessed at the depth of them, nor of their duration.
Elspeth Findlay, you are the woman of my dreams. Indeed, I believe I have dreamt of no one but you for over five years.
Since Graham began telling me stories of the woman he loved, I have felt shame in falling in love with you, too.
At first it was simply interesting to hear of the headstrong and clever young girl who Graham had grown up with.
Then he told me how you grew into a compassionate, caring, and strong-willed woman.
He told me about the strength you gave him after his father died, and how you matured.
There was one story in particular that made me believe you were a woman of exceptional character.
You were about sixteen, if I recall correctly, when you began taking on the role of mistress of Edleroy.
You learned how to manage the estate from your brother and proved capable in many ways, especially in caring for the staff and people of Edleroy Village.
Once, when your brother and father had gone somewhere with Graham, he said they came back to find that you had delivered a maid’s baby, and in your own bedroom!
When he described your presence of mind and how calm you were even after such an experience, I couldn’t deny that my impression of you was fixed: you were the most intriguing woman I’d ever heard of.
From then on, I could not get enough of Graham’s stories.
At every age you were admirable, and my imagination ran wild with assumptions about your character.
When we met in London, everything I’d imagined about you fell short. Your loveliness, liveliness, and demeanor…everyone else paled in comparison. It was clearer to me than ever that I could love no one else.
It was wrong, I know, to love my friend’s betrothed.
But who can control their heart? Mine only knew you.
And despite your obvious feelings for Graham, I felt honored to dance with you, speak with you, and simply be in the same room as you.
Jealousy did creep in, but to see you happy only increased my love.
Perhaps now you feel sorry for me, but you mustn't.
For loving you felt so natural it was like breathing.
And I had become accustomed to loving you vicariously.
It was never agony to hear Graham speak of you or read your letters.
I cherished every word spoken of you and every word written by you.
Perhaps it did become tiresome, but I flattered myself that I could continue in that way as long as I needed to.
Then Graham asked me to take a letter to you directly.
That, I believe, was my biggest mistake.
The thought of seeing you again after so long had me leave Graham when I should have made him return with me.
I thought only of you, but not of the man you loved.
The anticipation of being in the same room, of seeing your face, hearing your voice, making sure you were well, kept any doubts I had about leaving Graham entirely silent.
It was not until I saw you again in Edleroy that I realized my mistake. Beyond worrying about Graham’s safety, being near you made my heart begin to ache. Suddenly, loving you vicariously was no longer an option.
When we met again at the roadside inn, I knew it would cause me further heartache to travel with you and to know that you traveled toward Graham.
But I could never say no, not to you. Not when my heart rejoiced in being able to finally be in your presence.
As the weeks passed, loving you overtook all my reason.
Getting to know you for myself had me truly feeling shame for the first time.
But you were beyond my imagination. Your strength, compassion, determination, and intelligence shone through in everything you did.
I became angry with Graham for hurting you.
I resented him for putting you through these hardships.
I felt myself becoming more and more disloyal to a man I’d considered nearer to a brother than a business partner.
When we reached St. Kitts, I allowed my feelings to take over completely and let my guard down enough to kiss you.