Chapter 19
ABIGAIL
It”s official.
We decided to take the plunge into a relationship. My body vibrated almost to the point of nausea, hoping that I made the right decision. I”m not one of those girls who spent time planning her future with the perfect man. I couldn”t afford to do that in any sense of the word. If I had, Elias would be my Superman. His only characteristic that got under my skin was that he was always right about everything, including knowing my body better than I did.
It took Herculean effort not to jump on him all day long. He turned me on like an Energizer Bunny and those batteries are built to last. After the second time I jumped onto his back while he measured out spaces in the barn, he put me in a time-out.
”Put your horny little ass over there, and don”t move.” I should have been hurt, but I was turned on even more.
Once I understood what the measuring tape was for, I shifted mental gears and began to imagine a future filled with things I was passionate about for the first time in my life. We outlined the floor with blue masking tape and moved junk around to represent where I would put a pottery wheel, paints, and a small kitchenette. Running into the house whenever I was hungry or thirsty was a colossal waste of time.
Elias—being Elias—suggested I invest in insulation and a bathroom so we could work year-round in this space. I would never have even considered that if he hadn”t mentioned it. He worked feverishly, making notes and sketching floor plans for us to review later this evening. He made lists of must-haves and wants so I could build out this space at a comfortable rate without putting myself in a financial crisis. That got me thinking.
I sat in my ”time-out” chair and sent telepathic messages for him to look at me.
”Why are you over there?” It only took two minutes.
”I”m thinking.” I wrapped a piece of hay, left over from Amy”s nest, around my finger, liking the texture on my hand.
”About what?” he asked, strutting across the barn as if he owned it. Wait!
I beamed at his sexy smile. ”How would you feel about owning some of this space?”
His head jerked, and his irises blew wide.
I stepped into his space. ”Come on. You must have been thinking about using this space for more than fixing my car, right?” I stood, allowing my hands to fall onto his hips.
”You”d do that? Rent me space?” His expression was priceless. My heart fluttered, and I did a little happy dance, shifting side to side.
I nodded several times, not able to control myself. ”I do. I mean, I would.” Freudian. Again, psychology videos.
”How can we have a relationship only on the weekends? What if you opened a repair shop in the barn? Nothing huge, just enough to make your time here worthwhile.”
He picked me up, wrapping my legs around his back.
”Let”s get one thing straight, princess. Seeing you is always worth the time and energy to travel here. Everything else is gravy.” His lips said everything I wanted to hear. ”In response to your question, the thought had crossed my mind. You may have noticed that I taped off a large portion of the barn. Tell me you figured that out on your own?”
Did I?I suppose I did, but it didn”t sound like that in my brain. It sounded more like blah-blah, I want Elias to stay, blah-blah, he can”t leave his business, blah-blah, I want Elias to stay. It wasn”t until I opened my mouth that a complete thought emerged.
”Sort of. It”s only that I don”t want your business to suffer if you”re gone too much. You know I can always use your help, and I”m getting used to having you around to talk to. You may have noticed that Amy doesn”t communicate so well.” I chuckled, playing with the fabric on his flannel shirt.
”I”d like that a lot, princess. We can figure something out that would benefit both of us.”
And, from that moment on, we were a team. I”d never been on a team, so I was excited to pick his brain and build another great plan that included this remarkable man.
”Hello?” A man hollered.
”Oh, shit!” I jumped out of his arms, almost falling to my knees, righted myself, and continued running toward the house. ”It”s cable guy day!”
A white pickup was backing out of the driveway when I waved my arms for him to stop. Seeing me doing a weird dance on the drive was enough for the guy to drive back and get out of his car.
A good-looking guy about my age extended his hand. ”Hi. I”m David. I rang your doorbell several times and then yelled for you. I figured you”d forgotten about our appointment.”
Out of breath, I panted a cordial reply, ”Sorry about that. I forgot that you were coming today. Follow me.” I took David on a home tour, pointing out where the existing cable connections were and where I”d like more to be installed. The barn, for example.
I felt David was checking out more than the cable system as we moved from room to room. By the time we got to the barn, his breathing had picked up, and I didn”t have a chance to put down his gentle advances. Under the guise of being a good listener, David walked beside me into the barn, a smidge too close for my comfort. Elias took notice and took care of that for me. He can be very intimidating upon first meeting him.
I choked out sweetly, ”Elias. Meet David. He”s the cable guy. We could install a TV for football games or watch YouTube out here. What do you think?”
He wasted no time sidling up next to me, tucking me under his armpit. ”Definitely, sugar.”
I snorted. Poor David. He was no match for Elias.
”Why don”t you tell David what you want, and I”ll start lunch?” I attempted a cool wink, but my eyes cramped. I must have looked like I was having an attack because Elias coughed. I turned quickly and beelined for the house.
Not long after, Elias reappeared with a piece of paper and a frown.
”This guy wants to charge you a thousand dollars in cable boxes and labor. That”s ridiculous!”
What did I know? I”d never had to have cable installed. I used my phone for everything and worked too much to need a television, let alone cable.
”I”ll have to take your word on that. It does sound like a lot. What if we only install cable boxes in the guest rooms? I want us to have one in the barn, though. It will be our workspace, and we should be happy out there. Right?”
He pulled at his beard. That was his thinking posture. It was cute and telling. ”You make a good point. We can upgrade whenever you want. I told him you”d call him tomorrow to schedule the approved work. Order us YouTube TV. We can get everything we want from that.”
See? This is why I love this guy. He”s skeptical yet reasonable, frugal yet accommodating. We”re going to work out. I know we will.
I handed him a grilled cheese sandwich with a jar of pickles. ”Thanks for helping me with that decision. I”d be broke without your help.”
”David would have been in your pants if I wasn”t here. Come to think of it, you”d have gotten free labor for life if he had his way.”
We both burst out laughing; he wasn”t wrong.
Elias spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with his service station manager, Paul, working out this new arrangement. I spent the rest of the afternoon searching the web for BBs within one hundred miles of my home. I wanted to offer competitive amenities and an experience different from most BBs.
I let Elias know I was leaving for a while and went to the closest drug store for note cards, markers, and Elias”s favorite candy. My next stop was at the hardware store to get a corkboard to pin up my ideas. My plan was going to be epic! A master storyboard for my future. Elias was going to love this. I made one last stop at the grocery store and returned home with my arms full of bags.
When Elias entered the house, I had already started a homemade spaghetti sauce and was washing a head of lettuce. The dining room table was filled with color-coded ideas broken down into categories: house, barn, gardens, and customer experiences.
”Whoa! What do we have here? Look who”s been a busy beaver this afternoon.” I could have taken his tone as patronizing, except I was too damn proud of what I accomplished in a few short hours. If I was industrious, he should praise me.
I made a beaver face and chomped my mouth. ”Tis I,” I replied with a bow. ”I have so much to show you after dinner.”
He kissed me quickly and walked toward the sink to wash up. ”Then let”s eat. I”m starving.”
”Do you want to share your notes first, or should I?” I shifted from foot to foot, energized wanting to share first.
”You should probably go first or go to the bathroom because you look like you”re going to pee your pants.” He pointed to my feet.
”Awesome!” I blurted out, unable to hold my excitement back another moment. ”Check this out. The yellow cards are for house ideas, the pink for the barn, the blue for customer experiences, and the green for the gardens. Clever, right?”
Without waiting for a reply, I continued dancing around the table, laying down all the cards like a professional presentation.
”I”ve added numbers to each card, so I know which improvement I”d like to do first, and a line to add the total amount for each project. I still have a lot of research to do to find those numbers. If you have time to help with any of these projects, all you have to do is put your initials on the card, and I”ll know that you want to be included in either the decision-making or doing the work.”
An hour later, I had outlined every project and fallen into one of the dining room chairs, buzzing and exhausted. Moments passed, and Elias stood up silently, putting his initials on only five of the fifty cards in front of us.
He walked behind me, putting his strong hands on my shoulders. ”You have outdone yourself, princess. I”m so proud of you.”
After several minutes, he walked around the table, and our eyes connected with newfound appreciation.
”You sat there the whole time and said nothing. I didn”t know if you were truly interested or bored.” I said as his eyebrows shot up.
”Bored?” he laughed. ”You are nothing if not entertaining. I was fascinated, Abigail. The woman who keeps putting herself down made a comprehensive, compelling plan to build this home into a destination worthy of the best gardens in the world. A corn maze? A sculpture garden? A community garden? Geez, woman! How did you come up with all these things?”
I had the decency to blush because I had no idea where these ideas came from. They popped into my head, and I wrote them all down. I wanted to thank my mother for the influence that inspired them.
”Thank you, Elias. You have no idea how amazing that makes me feel to be supported this way. Now it”s your turn—wait!” I jumped up and ran into the kitchen, pulling out the candy I bought for him and returning to the dining room. ”Here, this is for you because you”re so sweet.” I clasped my hands together, placing his treat on the table before him.
His sheepish face was adorable. ”You”re the sweet one. Thanks for thinking of me.” He pulled my head down to meld his lips to mine. We both moaned as his tongue slipped inside my mouth, searing me with desire. The room became warmer, but he didn”t touch me. How did he have so much self-control?
”Wait for it, Abigail.” He waited while I returned to my seat, pulling out his notes from earlier.
”I”d like to think all my ideas were original, but you have proved me wrong. Many of the things you suggested for the barn I have on my list. We should consider some partition between my repair work and your creative space, mostly for safety, but for security as well. We don”t want your clients to waltz in and help themselves to dangerous equipment. Agreed?”
I nodded my approval.
”You should know that I, too, have a passion for art and would like to get back into metal sculpting. That fits perfectly into your idea of a sculpture garden. This leads me to my next question: Would you like to have a display area for your work so that you can sell your art? I could also sell mine, giving our sculpture garden a revolving inventory to attract repeat customers. What do you think?”
My jaw dropped. ”You”ve thought of everything!”
He rolled his eyes. ”Not everything. I want you to love what you”re doing here as much as I want you to be able to monetize your talents. Why should you have to work somewhere you hate when you could create beautiful artwork to sell in your backyard?”
I could feel tears welling behind my eyes, overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness. Moreover, he believed in me as an artist even though he hadn”t ever seen my work. Shit, I haven”t painted or made pottery in years. I could be a total disaster, and yet he believed in me. I was truly grateful for him appearing in my life. More importantly, I”m terrified I”d let him down.
My face flushed, and a tear slipped from my eye. ”Hey, sweetheart, don”t cry. You”ve got this. If you don”t want to go this route, don”t. It won”t change how I feel about you.” He wrapped his arms around my back and kissed my head.
I sniffed harder and got up. The room started to close in, and I felt claustrophobic. I paced in front of the ginormous antique mirror hanging on the living room wall, noting how ridiculous I looked after each pass. I was neurotic, ungrateful, and unworthy. I didn”t deserve his love. I didn”t deserve this house. I”m an imposter to my circumstances. Sweat poured down my forehead, and I screamed.
”I. DON”T. DESERVE. THIS. I”M GOING . . .TO LET YOU DOWN! I let everyone down.” I mumbled the last part. ”I need some air.”
The front door slammed as I stormed through. I inhaled deeply the cool evening air, trying to pull myself together. My feet hit the gravel circular drive, and I walked, and walked, around and around. The buzzing inside my head sounded like a swarm of killer bees directed solely to take me down. I was drowning in despair and responsibility. Every time—and I mean every time—I got ahead in life, I fell down backward. I was Abigail Farnsworth-Burton, Always Falling Behind, and I wasn”t taking Elias down with me. He had to get out before I ruined his life. He had to save himself from my delusions of grandeur and stupid plans. He was a good man and deserved more than I could give.
I returned to the house to find Elias exactly as I left him. He spun an index card between his finger and the table, breathing deeply based on the heaving of his muscular chest.
”You have to go,” I demanded.
”No.”
”Yes,” I said more emphatically.
”No, I don”t,” he also said emphatically.
”Elias. I don”t know how to tell you this, but you”re making a huge mistake making these big plans with me. I”ll let you down. It”s what I do. Don”t paint me as someone I”m not. You have to leave.”
I could hear my voice in and outside my head. I sounded hysterical, unstable, and neurotic. He couldn”t possibly want someone like me. I”d even noticed that what I was experiencing was a panic attack. That”s how aware of my situation I was.
”Please, Elias. I would hate myself if I hurt you. Save yourself and go.” I fell to my knees, begging him to think of himself.
He got up, walked to the kitchen, and returned with a water bottle. ”Drink.”
Without muttering another word, he turned and exited the side door as my panic crept up into my throat. He was going to leave me. He would give up on me like all the others. My self-sabotaging predictions were coming true. I”m such a loser.
The side door slammed shut minutes later, and Elias reentered the room with a beet-red face—a finger pointed harshly in my direction.
”Who the hell are you to tell me that I can”t handle my feelings about you? Do you think I”m so weak that I can”t handle a few tears and some well-earned panic? You emasculated me. I”m a fucking grown man with the emotional aptitude to know you”re a fucking train wreck, but I can”t seem to breathe if you”re not around. Get over yourself, Abigail. I”m tired of you living in your head, thinking about how your life sucked before you met me. You should ask yourself if you have been happy since meeting me. You should ask yourself how much better you are when we”re together, not how you”re going to destroy me. Let me decide if you”re good enough for me. That”s my decision. Not yours.”
He spun on his heel and slammed the door again, leaving me alone to process what an ass I am. I didn”t think that what I said was selfish. He did make me feel better about myself. I felt whole with him here. Maybe he was right, and I wallowed in my past too much. I cried some more. I’d made a mess of things again.
I drank the whole bottle of water and hiccupped. Was I good enough for him? Could I be patient enough for him to decide about me? My chest ached thinking about the void his leaving would create. He”s right. I had to try and put my paranoia aside and stay present to figure this all out. The past had to stay in the past for our future to shine.
I picked up his untouched bag of candy and walked outside. He wasn”t standing in the driveway, so I headed to the only place that made him feel good: the barn. Silently, I crept in the door and found him squatting on my thinking chair, head in hand. What I did to this man made me sick. How could someone so small tear down such a huge man? It was unfair.
I kneeled on the hard concrete before him, placing the candy at his feet, and sat quietly. Minutes went by without him looking at me, but when he did, my stomach dropped. His eyes were red, and his nose was running. My hands shot to my mouth in shame, and my tears joined his.
”I”m sorry,” I whispered.
Time stood still as no words passed between us for what felt like an eternity. I broke him. This was all my fault.
I tried to speak, but my throat wouldn”t cooperate. The words cracked out one at a time when my vocal cords connected. ”Okay. I”m going to go now. Please stay, Elias. I don”t want to lose you.”
Leaning back on my heels, I stood and backed away from him. Shame blanketed me, leaving me no other choice but to go. I ran to my room, stripped out of my dirty clothes, and slid under the covers as if they were a cave where I could hide from the world. My brain hurt, and the only person responsible for that was me.