Chapter 27 #2
She’s curled up in a fetal position, her body shaking. I want to grab her and pull her to me, but it’s like she doesn’t even realize I’m here.
Gently, I brush the hair away from her face and whisper, “Sam?”
She blinks her eyes open, and then they widen when she sees me. “Jamie?”
“Yeah, baby, it’s me.”
“You know?” she asks, pushing herself up. “That’s why you’re here—you know.”
I nod.
“H-he’s really gone,” she whispers, choking out the last word.
I can’t tell if she’s asking or telling me. So again, I just nod.
“What am I gonna do without him? Without him to take care of me? He was always there to … How am I gonna live without my brother?” she gasps, the questions coming one after another. “What am I gonna do? I don’t know what I’m gonna …”
I wrap myself around her, tucking her into my chest. “Shh,” I breathe. “I’ve got you.”
It’s like the contact rips her open, and now that there’s someone to pick her up, she lets herself truly fall. A sob breaks from her lips, and I know it’s a sound I’ll never get out of my head. One I’ll never fucking forget.
It’s pure agony.
Pure heartbreak.
Movement from the other side of the room catches my eye, and I watch Billy slide down the doorway, his face painted with devastation.
I hold on to her tightly, stroking her hair, telling her it’s going to be all right, that I’ve got her, that I’m not gonna let her go. And she continues to shatter in my arms. Her body shakes against mine as sobs rack through her, until she’s crying so hard there’s no air left for her to breathe.
“It hurts,” she says, forcing the words out.
On instinct, I trail my eyes over her, looking for an injury, until I realize she’s talking about inside.
That inside her hurts.
“My chest,” she gasps. “I can’t …”
I pull away from her, giving her space.
“Jamie, I don’t …” She rubs at her chest before her hand moves up to her throat. “I … can’t … breathe.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Billy,” I call out, and he rushes over to me. “Go to my house. There’s a blue duffle bag in my closet. Top shelf. Grab it and bring it back here.”
He nods, leaving without a word.
I turn back to Sam and keep my voice steady. “I need you to listen to me, okay? Can you do that?”
She stares back at me, eyes wide.
“You’re having a panic attack. We just need to calm you down. Can you try to take a breath with me?” I grab her hand, bring it up to my chest, and breathe, hoping she’ll follow.
She does, so I do it again.
“Good,” I tell her, fighting to keep my voice calm. “Just like that. Can you give me another one?”
She sucks in another breath and exhales shakily. “That’s it,” I tell her. “You’re okay.”
We stay like this until her breathing becomes more steady.
I lean forward, wiping the tears from her face with the pad of my thumb, but they just keep falling.
“He was all I had,” she whispers, her voice so low I can barely make out the words. “How am I supposed to live without—”
“You have me,” I tell her. “As long as you want me, you’ll always have me.”
She gazes up at me, looking so fucking broken. “You promise?”
I pull her into my chest. “Yeah, baby, I promise.”
“Thank you for coming,” she says against me. “I was so alone … and it was dark … and I didn’t know how I was gonna … if I was …”
“I’ll always come when you need me, no matter what.” I stroke her hair away from her face. “All I could think about when I found out was getting to you.”
“Oh my God, Jamie!”
My heart drops at the alarm in her voice.
She pushes away from me, and all I want to do is pull her back in.
“What?”
“Your dad …” She searches my eyes. “Are you okay?”
My shoulders drop, relieved. I thought something was wrong with her.
“I don’t really know,” I answer honestly. “I haven’t gotten there yet.”
I can’t go there yet.
Not when she needs me.
“Gotten where?”
“In my head,” I tell her. “It’s … a bit more complicated for me.” That’s a fucking understatement.
How do you even begin to grieve a person you’ve wished so many times was dead?
She nods, biting her lip, trying to hold back the sob that I know is crawling up her throat because it’s not complicated for her. She and her brother loved each other unconditionally.
I take her hand. “You don’t have to try to be strong for me now.”
“But you lost …” Her voice cracks. “You lost someone, too.” Her lip trembles as she tries to hold it together.
I shake my head. “Not like you did.”
“Jamie …” The sob finally breaks free as she says my name.
“You just let me take care of you, okay?”
She stares back at me, a war going on behind her eyes. I squeeze her hand, and she finally murmurs, “Okay.”
I let out a breath. “Let’s get you off the floor.” I move to pick her up and deposit her gently on the bed.
She curls up, making her body small, and I drape a blanket over her.
“I’m gonna go get you—”
She grabs my hand. “Don’t go.”
I still at the fear in her voice. “I was just gonna get you some water.”
“No.” Her grip on me tightens. “I don’t wanna be alone. You … Please don’t leave me here alone.”
“I won’t.” I drop down onto the bed beside her, and she immediately wraps herself around me. “I’m not going anywhere.”
We sit like that for a few minutes, and I watch as she fidgets, like she can’t stand to be inside her own body. I keep my hand in hers, running my thumb back and forth.
“A cigarette,” she says, the words breaking through the quiet.
“Hmm?”
“I think … I think a cigarette might help.”
I stand from the bed and turn on a lamp. The only light before had been from the moon and streetlights. Now the space is blanketed in a warm glow.
Sam squints her eyes, rubbing at them, and when she pulls her hands away, her eyes are red, her face blotchy. There are tracks of black mascara running down her cheeks, and I realize she must have not even made it to bed before she found out.
I turn away from her, focusing on the task she gave me. Her purse is on the desk next to her bed. I sift through it until I find the familiar red and white pack and a lighter. I place two cigarettes in my mouth and light them both before handing one to her.
I don’t usually smoke, but after tonight, I could fucking use one.
Sam takes the cigarette in her shaking hand and brings it up to her lips.
I push open the window, letting my eyes briefly close as a breeze touches my face.
How the fuck am I supposed to get through this?
Get her through this?
Opening my eyes, I grab the ashtray from her desk, settling back onto the bed and placing it between us.
A few minutes later, I hear footsteps coming up the stairs before Billy fills the doorway, the duffle bag I asked for in his hand.
I start to stand when Sam shifts nervously, reaching out for me.
“I’m just gonna go over there and talk to Billy.”
She drops her hand, signaling that it’s all right that I go, and takes another drag.
“My mother?” I ask once I’m in front of him.
“She’s okay,” Billy answers. “Think she exhausted herself. She was asleep when I left. ”
I rub the back of my neck. “Good.” At least there’s that.
He motions to Sam. “How is she?”
“I got her to calm down a bit, but I don’t know …” I shake my head. “This is gonna destroy her.”
“And you?” he asks.
“You know me.” I shrug, bringing the cigarette to my lips.
“Yeah, I do,” he says. “I know how you bury things. But this shit’s too big to bury, Jameson.”
“It’s—”
He holds out a hand, stopping me. “Listen, I know how you work. You’ve gotta take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself.
And I get it—I do.” I watch his eyes flit past me, over to Sam.
“I get that she needs you. That you’ve gotta be here for her.
But this happened to you, too, and I’m not gonna let you deal with it alone. ”
“I won’t,” I tell him. “But I …” I glance at Sam. “I can’t now.”