Chapter 18 #2
“Let me,” Cash says and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. The sadness and loneliness of earlier feel like a former lifetime. In the safety of his arms, my heart feels untouchable by anything except his love.
The profound silence of the woods is the perfect balm for my tender feelings as we walk on. For a while, neither of us speak, letting our togetherness be enough until we reach the bottom of a low hill and spot a battered little hand-built fort.
“You remember Fort Cash?”
“Wow, I can’t believe this thing’s still standing!”
“When it’s built by Cash, it’s built for life,” he boasts.
“Oh, I believe it. I’m just surprised your parents didn’t take it down.”
“You kidding? They’re counting down the days until they have a pack of grandchildren roaming these woods and leaving muddy footprints on the floors.”
“They’re hardcore into the family thing, aren’t they?”
“Oh, wow, you picked up on that?” he teases, though his expression quickly turns serious. “Yeah, they have a lot of expectations for my future.”
“Coming home and taking over the business, right? What about football?”
He purses his lips, his jaw set. “What my dad said last night pretty much summed it up. They enjoyed watching my football career, but as far as they’re concerned, it’s over. It was always supposed to end when college ended. Now I need to learn the ropes so I can take over when my dad retires.”
“And if you don’t want to?”
“Want doesn’t really come into the equation. Though if you asked them, they’d probably say ‘who wouldn’t want to stay close to home and take care of the family?’ Next to that, nothing else matters to them.”
“So do you want to?”
He turns and studies the little fort. “I used to think I was lucky. I was never the smartest kid in any classroom, and let’s be honest, I never worked super hard, just did well enough to get by.
Most people don’t get the privilege of being a mediocre student and still having job security for life.
But now I wonder why I never questioned it. ”
“Questioned what?”
“Whether I want that job. Football’s the only thing I’ve ever been passionate about, so I don’t know why I thought it’d be no big deal to give it up, but here we are, and I’m not ready. Maybe I never thought I’d have a shot at being a pro player.”
“Are you sure your parents would have a problem with that? They seem like the kind of people who want their kids to be happy.”
“They are, but they think they know what’ll make us happy. Sticking together, being a family, carrying on traditions. To them, football’s just a hobby. A respectable hobby, but still. Not worth moving across the country for, risking your body for, splitting up the family for.”
“Is it to you?”
I expect him to think on that, but his response is immediate.
“One hundred percent. That’s why the last few months have been so confusing.
You wait your whole life to be an adult and make your own decisions, but now that it’s time to decide, I don’t know what I want.
” He shrugs. “That’s why I think it’s cool you have your next steps mapped out and you’re not sweating them. ”
“I can only speak for myself, but I think when you strip away other people’s expectations, it’s not so hard to know what you want.”
“Huh.” He tilts his head to the side. “Yeah. Know what? I’m not confused about what I want. I want to play football.”
I stop and turn to him. “Hold on, did I just witness an epiphany? Are you about to have an uncomfortable conversation with your parents?”
“Ha. I wish I had the balls for that. I said I want to play football, not that I’m going to.”
We walk on as I search his face, surprised. I figured Cash’s relentless pursuit of me was representative of how he lives his entire life: shouting his goals from the rooftops, doing whatever, whenever to claim them and never let go.
“I fear I’m being judged,” he says as we leave the fort behind and begin looping back to the house.
“Not at all, I’m just surprised. I always thought of you as someone who’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants.”
“For the most important things, sure.” He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.
“Football’s not?”
“Day one as my girlfriend, and you’re already a hard-ass.” He winks. “Yeah, football’s important, but I worry what would happen with my family if I wasn’t here. To Maisy especially.”
“But Maisy’s planning on going to grad school, isn’t she?”
“Yeah, but at a school an hour from home. They’ll all be here, and I could be anywhere.”
“What are you worried would happen?”
He keeps his eyes on the woods around us. “Life’s not easy for my sister, and my parents try, but…” He shrugs. “They haven’t always done the best job taking care of her or knowing what she needs. Overreacting, underreacting, just not getting it.”
“With her mental health, you mean?” When he lays a curious look on me, I add, “She told me about it last night.”
“Yeah, that’s what I mean. And there’ve been times I wasn’t around enough, and things went to shit because of it.” Tension etches into his tight jaw.
I want to tell him to let go of that responsibility, but what do I know about sibling relationships? If I had a brother, maybe I’d want to look at him and find the same fiery regret and protectiveness swirling in Cash’s eyes right now. “That’s a lot. Maisy’s lucky to have you.”
He inhales a deep breath that puffs his chest and lets it out slowly. When he looks at me, his eyes are clear again. “Maybe I do have some thinking to do about my future.”
As we emerge from the woods and the house comes into view, Cash glances up at the windows and drops my hand.
“Am I your secret lover?” I tease.
“Honestly? You are. How do you like that?”
“So far, so good. But are you sure your dad doesn’t know?”
He looks amused. “He definitely knows something. But he’s only picking up on a vibe, don’t worry. He doesn’t know, know.”
“I guess he’ll know soon enough. But we should tell Maisy first, right? It shouldn’t come from your parents.”
“Absolutely. She’d fuck shit up if I told Mom and Dad before her.”
“Actually, would you mind if I tell her?”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“It’s not like I’m looking forward to the conversation, but I feel like it’s my responsibility. I told her I’d stay away from you, and then I went and did it anyway. I need to own up to that.”
“You don’t owe her an apology. Just because she goes around making rules doesn’t mean they’re valid.”
“I’m not going to apologize for falling for you, I’m going to apologize for not being upfront with her. And I want a chance to explain how I feel.”
His mouth twists in displeasure. “I don’t like you having to do that, you know. She’s going to give you shit you don’t deserve. Shit that should fall on me.”
“I can handle it.” My stomach flutters with nerves.
“Okay, baby. All I’m here to do is give you what you want, so if that’s it, go ahead.”
Maybe if I’d known how good it feels to hear those words, I wouldn’t have spent my life insisting I didn’t need them.