Track 2
‘SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW’ (KEANE)
Before Eve
Adam and Lily’s friendship remained strong throughout the tricky time that was high school.
From the nineties, when their friendship began at primary school, all the way through high school and right up until university, everyone thought it was sweet that they were still best friends.
No one thought it weird, two heterosexual members of the opposite sex being just friends.
In fact, it didn’t matter to anyone. They never suffered teasing because it was just the norm.
As they grew up, Adam was always the one to vet the prospective boyfriends Lily had chosen.
If he didn’t think they were good enough, he would tell her straight.
More often than not she agreed, and the boy was rapidly kicked to the kerb.
Likewise, Lily had very strong opinions when it came to potentially sacrificing time with her best friend to another girl.
She didn’t beat about the bush making her feelings known either.
High school had been a nightmare for Lily.
She developed quickly and got a lot of attention – very positive attention from boys, but jealousy, spitefulness, and bitchiness from girls.
She earned a reputation, not at all befitting her true self, and learned quickly that teenage girls can be extremely cruel.
She made no female friends to speak of, and so her reliance on Adam was further compounded.
She knew he had tried frequently to stop the wretched rumour mill from turning.
But his efforts were futile. Regardless of what he said, people would believe what they wanted to believe.
She did, however, appreciate his efforts and told him so frequently.
It had been said, although she wasn’t sure by whom, that her Spanish heritage – womanly curves, bright blue eyes, and dark unruly curls – gave her the appearance of being both exotic and a little wild and free-spirited, rather like Cathy from Wuthering Heights, her favourite book.
And she was aware that at some point Adam would have to give up playing the big brother role as it was evidently exhausting.
But aside from her parents, he was the one constant in her life.
However, during the summer of 2011, the year they had both turned eighteen within a month of each other, there was one heartbreak Adam couldn’t help Lily through. Why could he offer no solace?
Because he could never know about it.
The summer holidays prior to starting university had been fateful for Lily. It was a summer that in some ways broke her, and one she would never forget. Because it was the year she realised she was in love.
With Adam.
She didn’t mean to fall for him. It was a complete accident. But fall for him she did.
And hard.
She didn’t want to be in love with him at all, but as she discovered the hard way, you simply cannot help who you fall for, nor can you help when it happens. She knew Adam simply didn’t see her that way. He never would. He had always been her big brother, her protector, and her guardian angel.
He was tall and had dark floppy hair back then.
His chocolate-brown eyes sparkled when he spoke, and his full lips were so kissable.
He had saved up and bought a set of weights, which he used in his room religiously.
She used to laugh at him and call him vain, at first. But other girls started to notice him.
Looking back, she couldn’t quite put her finger on when she actually fell for him, but she could remember the day she realised that it had happened. It was the day they had played tennis at the high school’s outdoor court. He had overheated and removed his T-shirt…
High-school summer holidays – Jedburgh, 2011
They had taken a break from playing games on the outdated Wii console with Paddy, who Lily had adopted as her little brother too. And while he was playing tennis against an avatar that looked distinctly like his older brother, Adam and Lily had escaped to the local tennis courts.
Lily was thankful that she’d put on shorts and a strappy top, as the summer heat on that July day was uncharacteristically unbearable.
So far it had been the wettest summer they’d had in years, which was saying something for Scotland; however, on this particular Saturday the sun beat down on the asphalt court which had no shade to speak of.
Sweat ran down Lily’s spine, and she pulled up her hair into a scruffy knot atop her head, securing it with a band she wore around her wrist.
‘Forty thirty!’ Adam huffed as he pulled his black Foo Fighters T-shirt over his head and tucked it into his belt.
In doing so, he exposed a broad chest and shapely biceps.
His abdomen was sculpted and almost every muscle was visible under his tight, sun-kissed skin. He bent to rest his hands on his knees.
Lily may have been losing, but she was putting up a good fight. ‘Well, that last ball was out as far as I’m concerned,’ she panted.
‘It was not!’ Adam’s voice rose an octave. ‘You’re just a sore loser.’
‘Ha! Says the man who emptied a bag of cheese puffs over my head when I beat him at gin rummy last night!’
Adam straightened and pointed his racket at her. ‘That was an accident, I tripped over the rug and you know it.’
Lily huffed. ‘Accident-schmaccident.’
Adam laughed. ‘Don’t you mean snackccident?’
She contorted her face and crossed her eyes.
‘Hilarious.’ She wiped the sweat from her brow.
‘And you don’t accidentally do something like empty a whole bag of stinky crisps on someone’s head!
If it’s an accident you stop when you realise what’s happening!
I wouldn’t mind but I’d only just washed my hair, and the crumbs made it all greasy. ’ She pretended to sulk.
Adam bent double again but this time it was through laughing. ‘Yeah… you smelled pretty bad too. You came close to getting a new nickname from that. Well… I say pretty close… Cheesy.’
That was it. She decided to seek revenge and there was no time like the present. Dropping her racket, she set off running towards him at full pelt, circumvented the net and before he could protest or get out of the way, she launched herself onto his back.
She clung onto his body with her thighs. ‘Time to pay, Adders.’
‘What are you doing?’ he gasped in between loud guffaws. Spinning around, he tried to release himself from her grasp. His laughter caused him the weakness she needed to finish him off, and so the struggle ensued. ‘God, you have the thighs of bloody Wonder Woman!’
She squeezed him tighter. ‘And don’t you forget it. Maybe you’ll think twice about pouring cheese puffs on my head in future, eh?’
He coughed. ‘Gerroff me, you loony!’ Still laughing, he struggled to keep his footing, but she was relentless in her attack, and he stumbled towards the grass at the edge of the court. He slumped to his knees and then onto his stomach. Lily fell flat on top of his back, still holding on.
It was then she began the tickling. ‘Do you surrender?’ she asked as her fingers dug into his apparently sensitive ribs.
He squealed in a high-pitched voice. ‘Never!’ And so, she continued her revenge assault, and he continued to yell. ‘Get off, Lily! Pleeeease! I’ll pee in my boxers!’
Out of breath, she finally stopped, and he rolled onto his back. His chest heaved as she lay half on and half off him, her hands flat on his toned, bare, glistening chest. She locked her eyes on his and suddenly felt trapped in his melted chocolate gaze.
Her smile disappeared. His smile faded too as he stared up at her and his hold on her upper arm tightened slightly.
His heart pounded underneath her fingertips.
His cologne, mixed with the manly scent from his damp body, infused her nostrils and her heart rate accelerated.
God, he was stunning. Why had she not noticed that before?
She inhaled sharply at the realisation, and heat rose in her cheeks.
He frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but she broke the spell.
Clambering to her feet and turning away from him, she spoke as breezily as she could.
‘Come on. We need to get going. I think we can safely say that you won.’ She turned to where Adam still lay on his back, propped up on his elbows, brow furrowed and looking confused.
‘Adders! Come on!’ She feigned frustration as she collected her racket and made her way towards the gates.
Back at home, after they had parted in the middle of their street to go into their respective houses, neither evidently willing to discuss the incident at the tennis courts, Lily went straight to her room and sat on her bed.
With her head in her hands, she recalled his toned body and his smell.
Oh, shit. Not Adam. Please not Adam. She sent up a silent prayer to Gaia – she was a feminist, after all – willing her feelings to revert to the norm she was used to.
Please let this be a glitch in the matrix.
Because this can’t happen. It just can’t.
Adam doesn’t see me that way. Oh God, maybe he read my mind back there.
She recalled the look of confusion in his eyes.
He did seem a bit befuddled. I’m so embarrassed. Oh, shit, what do I do now?
At only eighteen she had yet to experience a first love.
In fact, she had no clue what love even felt like – until now – because what she had just experienced was like a thunderbolt.
A moment of shocking clarity that she wished had never happened.
But why did it have to be Adam? He was her best friend in the world, and she couldn’t risk losing him over something like this.
She’d had several casual boyfriends but none of the heartbreaks had been that serious.
Please let it be a phase. Please. Just a phase… please?
Adam arrived home and slammed the front door before heading for the stairs that led to his room. He took them two at a time as his stomach knotted and his head swam.
‘Adam? Is everything okay, love?’ his mum called from the bottom of the stairs.
Adam paused outside his room and clenched his jaw, inhaling a deep breath through his nose and exhaling it slowly in a bid to calm his ragged breathing. ‘Y-yeah, Mum, I’m… I’m fine. Just want to get a shower. It’s boiling out there.’
‘Okay, love. It just felt like you slammed the door a bit hard and I wondered if you and Lily had fallen out.’
He closed his eyes and remembered the feeling of Lily lying on top of him at the tennis court, and how her body moulded to his like a puzzle piece. God, that feeling. He really shouldn’t be getting aroused by Lily. What the hell was wrong with him?
He fought for composure. ‘Erm… We’re all good. Sorry about the door. It was an accident.’
‘Okay.’ His mum fell silent and he waited for her to ask more questions. He was a terrible liar, after all. But instead, she called, ‘Don’t use all the hot water!’
He walked into his room, closed the door gently behind him and flopped down onto his back on his bed, covering his eyes with his forearm.
The image of Lily’s eyes locked on his was now seared into his brain.
He touched his cheek where her breath had feathered him only a short time ago.
What had that expression meant? She looked confused…
annoyed maybe. She probably wondered why he was looking at her all doe-eyed.
Idiot. How would he face her again? Probably best to just pretend it had never happened or else he could risk losing his best friend.
For a couple of weeks after the incident Lily found herself devoid of appetite, to the point where her mum fussed around her, making her all her favourite Spanish dishes to try to entice her to eat.
‘I wish you would tell me what’s wrong, carino. You’re barely eating and I worry,’ her mum said, her accent still thick with her Spanish first language.
‘I’m fine, Mamá. Please don’t worry.’
‘I make you fabada and you hardly eat, Lily. Te estas poniendo delgada,’ her mum said with a furrow of concern to her brow.
Lily rolled her eyes. ‘I’m definitely not getting thin, Mamá. You’re imagining that.’
Her mum shrugged and she cupped Lily’s face in her palm. ‘Me dirás cuando estés listo.’ You’ll tell me when you’re ready. I don’t think I ever will be, Mum.
Her mum rubbed her thumb over the apple of Lily’s cheek and kissed her head. ‘Quiero ayudar a tu hija.’
‘I know you want to help me. But there’s nothing you can help me with,’ Lily replied as sadness tugged at her insides.
‘Te quiero mucho, carino.’
Lily smiled. ‘I love you too, Mamá.’
Lily’s dreams were filled with visions of Adam.
Only in her dreams he slipped his hands into her hair and kissed her like they did in movies, as something romantic and swoony played in the background.
Then Lily was brought back to earth with a resounding thud when Adam began dating a girl he had met at his Saturday job at a pet shop and Lily had to push her feelings down.
Far, far down, into a box in her mind that she slammed the lid on, padlocked and covered in metaphorical concrete.
Or at least she tried.
Neither broached the subject after that.
Things went back to normal; whatever normal was.
Although, it turned out that Gaia had more pressing issues to deal with and her prayers for this to be a little crush, a passing phase, or imagined, were not answered.
For Lily, normal became loving Adam from afar.
And for Adam normal continued to be playing tennis and dating girls, lots of girls.
How different one person’s normal can be from another’s.