Track 12
‘DON’T SAY YOU LOVE ME’ (FREE)
Lily nervously walked through arrivals towards the meeting point at Christchurch Airport.
The spring day was bright and sunny, quite a contrast to the autumnal temperatures beginning to occur back home.
She scanned the crowd, looking for Bodhi, and eventually her eyes fell on a tall, blond, handsome man holding a single red rose, a wide, gorgeous grin fixed in place on his flawless features.
Her heart skipped ever so slightly, filling her with a tiny shred of hope. Could she begin to love him?
He began to walk towards her, his steps faster the closer he got. She stepped out from behind her trolley and was immediately scooped up by strong muscular arms.
‘God, Lily, I’ve missed you so much. I got scared,’ he whispered into her hair.
Pulling away from him, she peered into his bright green eyes, which were now filled with emotions that she didn’t want to acknowledge. ‘Scared? Why?’
He tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘You stayed away so long I thought you weren’t going to come back to me.’ His jaw clenched. ‘But I would have had to come and find you, Lily. I… I—’
Dreading the next words to fall from his mouth, Lily interrupted, ‘Well, I’m here now,’ she trilled, ‘and I’m shattered. Can we go home so I can sleep?’
He pouted. ‘Sleep? I haven’t seen you or held you in over a month and you want to sleep?’
She bit her lip. ‘Well, sleep first and then…’ She kissed him deeply, igniting a passion in him that she knew she would definitely benefit from later. He groaned into her mouth as he held his hand knotted in her tangled curls.
They arrived back at his rented apartment, and she dumped her bag in the bedroom. He followed her in and slipped his arms around her waist again, nuzzling her neck. ‘I’m going to cook you something incredible while you get some rest,’ he told her before placing a kiss just below her ear.
Turning in his arms, Lily looked up at him. ‘What do you see in me, Bodhi?’ she asked.
His brow furrowed. ‘Are you kidding me?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t get it. You’re a bloody model, and I’m… well—’
‘And you’re a sexy, talented, intelligent, and fun woman with an incredible body who drives me insane in bed and who I love spending time with.’ He kissed just below her ear again and she shivered. ‘Does that answer your question?’
She scrunched her face. ‘I have an incredible body?’ She found that very hard to believe.
She had always thought herself rather ordinary in the looks department and felt her hips were too big and her breasts matched her hips.
Hourglass was what people called it when they were trying to be nice.
Fat was what Lily called it on her off days.
‘Take it from me, Lily, you have the sexiest curves.’ He chuckled. ‘And your smile.’ Tingles travelled down her spine as he continued to feather her neck with kisses. ‘And your hair, and—’
‘Okay, okay, I think I get it now.’ She smiled, feeling boosted by his words.
‘Good, well, that’s why I’m attracted to you, but I love you for all of that and more.’
Lily gasped. Shit… what do I say?
He must have noticed the look of horror on her face as he cupped her cheek with his free hand. ‘Hey, it’s okay. I know you’re not, you know, in that place yet and that’s fine. I’ll wait. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait. Because you’re worth waiting for.’
She felt the familiar sting of threatening tears as she gazed up at the handsome, caring, sweet man before her. More than anything, she wanted to feel the same. Maybe in time. But why the hell did this keep happening to her? Why couldn’t she give her heart? It was so unfair.
Once again, he reacted to the change in her emotions. ‘Hey, shhh, don’t cry, babe. You can’t help wanting to take things slow and I accept that. Come on, let’s have a nap, eh? I probably shouldn’t have dropped that on you when you’re suffering from jet lag, eh?’
She smiled. He was probably right for the most part.
Jet lag always made her emotional. That and leaving Adam.
But she really wasn’t good company when she was tired.
After slipping out of her clothes, she climbed into bed.
Bodhi followed suit and climbed in behind her.
He snuggled up to her, and with his arm around her waist, he pulled her back into his front.
It didn’t take long before she drifted off.
Bodhi really was amazing. He seemed to understand Lily’s need to take things slow better than she could have expected or hoped.
She pondered explaining to him why she was so filled with trepidation about their relationship but worried that perhaps her admission would do more harm than good.
Perhaps he would run a mile. That wouldn’t be good.
The fact that she was worried about losing him made her smile.
Perhaps she was beginning to have feelings for him?
Several days after returning to New Zealand she logged onto her email and was reminded about why she could never love Bodhi.
Dear Lil,
Eve and I just wanted to check that you arrived okay.
Having seen no news about plane crashes we presume that all’s well and that you’re too busy bonking that Aussie bloke’s brains out to contact us.
Okay, Eve says I have to tell you that she had no part in the construction of this email.
But you know different, eh? (I’m winking at the screen; with my eyes I hasten to add!) Okay, now I’m in deep shit and Eve is demanding I get off the computer so she can spank me.
Oh sorry, not spank me, kick my arse, and apparently there’s a difference! Whoops! Better go.
Write soon, Cheesy.
Hugs, Adders
Lily smiled to herself as she read. Typical bloody Adam. She hit reply.
Hi, Pee Pants and lovely Eve,
I arrived safe and well, if a little knackered.
Bodhi has been pampering me for the past few days, and so my body clock is slowly returning to normal.
Whatever normal is! We’re going out with some friends tonight, so I’d better be awake by then or I’ll be falling asleep in my beer.
Lol! I know that Adders is saying ‘nothing new there then’. Cheeky!
Anyway, enjoy your lovely new home and I’ll see you at Christmas.
Hugs, Lily xxx
Bodhi came over as she clicked send. She had no clue how long he had been watching her.
He had walked by as she started reading, but had he read her message over her shoulder?
Well, it didn’t really matter if he had.
He sat beside her on the sofa looking quite serious.
‘What’s up, hun?’ she asked, rubbing his arm.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his gaze to the floor so that locks of his scruffy blond hair fell forward. ‘Erm, how long are you hoping to stay in New Zealand, babe?’
She bit her lip. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it much. Why?’
‘It’s just that I’ve been offered a place on that cookery course that I wanted to take. Remember me mentioning it?’
She was puzzled. ‘Yes. Yes, I do, but you weren’t supposed to be doing that until next year.’
He glanced up at her; sadness and frustration seemed to be fighting for pole position on his features.
‘I know, but my dad knows someone who knows the head chef at Alonzo’s in Sydney.
It’s the best restaurant there. It’s where almost every top chef has been trained.
They’ve offered me an apprenticeship if I start the course next month.
Me, Lil. This is huge. I really want to take it but I’m afraid…
’ He dropped his gaze to the floor again and picked at his nails.
She grasped his hand to stop him from fidgeting. ‘Bodhi, you seem to be spending a lot of the time afraid lately.’ Is this down to me?
He turned to face her. ‘Lily, I have to go back home. Soon. But I’m afraid you won’t want to come with me.
Coming with me means making some kind of commitment.
I know you’re not really ready and I need to understand why that is.
Is it because you know about my past? Because I’d hoped that you knew I’d changed because of you. ’
She knew exactly what he’d been like before they met.
He’d been completely honest with her. Too honest if the truth be known.
He’d played the field and had his fair share of conquests behind him but then with his looks and that Adonis-like body, he could have had any woman he wanted.
For some reason he wanted her and she still didn’t understand why.
She shook her head. ‘No, your past is your past. I don’t really care about that.’
‘Then can you be honest with me as to why you don’t want to make things work with me?’
She stood. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to make things work with you, but you said that you’d wait. You’ve said it more than once. I don’t understand why starting this course will change things.’
‘It won’t. Not really. But I’ve been thinking…
I thought a lot while you were away in the UK, and I’ve been thinking since you’ve been back, too.
I know what I said about waiting and I… I did mean it at the time.
It’s just that I get the feeling I’m wasting my time here and that all the waiting in the world won’t change things.
’ Pain was evident in his eyes. He had seen right through her at last.
She sighed. ‘Bodhi… it’s… it’s complicated. I really do like you. I do care about you. And I find you incredibly attractive. The sex is mind blowing—’
He stood and grasped her by the arms, staring deep into her eyes. ‘Then marry me, Lily.’ He stared intently at her, pleading with his eyes.
She gasped. ‘What? Bodhi… what? I… I don’t know what to say. We’ve been together for what feels like two minutes… I can’t think—’
‘But you’ve said you care about me and the attraction is clearly there. The rest will come, surely? We can work towards love. And when it’s right you know it’s right, and I just know, Lily.’
Heat rose in her cheeks and her heart hammered at her ribs as if making a determined effort to burst out of her chest. ‘But… why the urgency? Why all of a sudden do we have to rush into this?’ She shook her head and crumpled her brow as she stared up at him.
Bodhi exhaled a noisy, shuddering breath. ‘Can you honestly tell me that we’re going somewhere, Lily? Can you honestly tell me that one day – however far off in the future it may be – you’ll marry me?’
Her heart continued to pound as her mind raced through a million different scenarios, a million different answers she could give.
‘I… I… Bodhi… marriage… it’s…’ She tried hard to clamber through the fog of her mind at this preposterous and unexpected turn of events.
Why is he doing this now? Should she lie and say that yes, one day she could marry him?
No, that would be cruel, and lying wasn’t something she could do to this wonderful man. He deserved so much more.
He dropped his arms to his sides, sadness in his beautiful green eyes. Sadness she had put there. Guilt stabbed her heart.
He shook his head. ‘If the immediate answer isn’t obviously yes, Lily, then I think maybe it’s time I let you go.’
Anger spiked within her and the tears came. ‘But you said you’d wait! Why are you doing this?’
He stroked her cheek and his chin trembled.
‘It’s called self-preservation. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
I want a future with you but I want all of you.
Not the scraps of your heart that you’re willing to offer.
I know it’s sudden but it’s sudden for me too.
But all you’ve done since you arrived back is look at your phone and check your emails.
I haven’t seen you type a single thing until this morning.
It’s like you were waiting for something.
’ His brow creased as regret washed over his beautiful face.
‘Lily, you lit up as you read whatever it was and then you were the same as you typed. You lit up for someone else. Not for me. And the look on your face was the look someone has when they’re in love.
I should know. I know I have it when I look at you—’
‘Bodhi—’
‘Let me just finish, okay? I’m not angry.
I love you, Lily. I’m in love with you and as much as that won’t change for a long time, neither will your feelings for me while you’re clearly in love with someone else.
’ He cupped her face in his hands. ‘If I don’t let you go now it will get harder and harder for me to do that as time goes on.
And I’ll have to let you go eventually. And if I’m honest with myself, I think I know the truth.
It doesn’t matter how long I wait, I’m never going to mean as much to you as he clearly does. Am I right?’
Tears trailed down her face as she nodded and sobs burst from within.
He encased her in his arms. ‘Thank you for being honest. I know this isn’t easy for you either. Can I ask you something?’ Unable to speak through her tears, she nodded again. ‘Why don’t you just tell him you love him, whoever he is? You may be surprised and find that he feels the same.’
She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. ‘He doesn’t.’ And never will.
He wiped her tears away. ‘But how do you know if you don’t speak to him?’
She took a deep breath. ‘Because he’s my best friend in the whole world… always has been… and he just got engaged and moved in with the love of his life.’ Her legs almost gave way as she finally made the difficult admission that she had contemplated making to Bodhi only a few days before.
He held her and stroked her hair. ‘Oh, Lily… sweetheart…’
After letting her cry for a few minutes, he pushed her away and smiled sadly into her eyes. ‘Unrequited love is a complete fucking shithead of a bastard, isn’t it?’
She choked out a heartfelt laugh through her tears. ‘You certainly got that right.’