Chapter 4
Hannah
I had dreams once. Many of them.
My biggest one was to play the piano, get so lost in the music that the world around me ceased to exist and that the only thing that mattered was the sound of each key, and the soothing effect it had on my heart. I dreamt of a day in which my family would gather, and I would play for them, hearing my mother’s proud voice as she cheered me on.
Clearly, that was never going to happen.
She was dead now and all she cared about was getting more money, more power...using me and exploiting me until she bled me dry.
I couldn’t remember when those dreams faded., It happened gradually, so much that I couldn’t see it happening. Before I knew it, I was gone. The Hannah I was and the one I wanted to be were worlds apart, and there was no way for them to be the same person. Not without disappointing my mother. She got what she wanted...I gave it to her. And then, she’d left me to fend for myself. Evie never saw that side of her. Evie was able to live a semi-normal childhood with Nana, but I...oh, I was caught in my mother’s grip with no way to escape.
I’d dragged everyone I knew into my mess, leaving scars behind that would never fully heal.
I came to a stop, leaning down and catching my breath as the thought unfolded in my head. Those damned memories were vivid, and didn”t ever seem to fade. I couldn’t say it was all my mother’s fault because I made those choices, but I always wondered what my life would have been like had she shown me love. Had she shown me she cared.
One can always wonder, right?
Evie ran up to me, her ponytail bouncing as she finally caught up. She placed a perfectly manicured hand over her heaving chest, glaring at me.
“Can you not run so damn fast? I’ve had two pregnancies. I’m not as in shape as I was before.” She pointed to her body, as if there was anything wrong with it.
I rolled my eyes. She was perfect. She looked as beautiful as ever, and it wasn’t just her face or her body. No, Evie’s beauty wasn’t superficial. The purity of her heart shone through her eyes, in every word she spoke, in everything she did. Evie was all heart.
“I deserve Starbucks, you know? I need to put the calories you forced out of my body back in.” I laughed, zipping up my jacket as we began walking. “Besides...how were you pregnant just three months ago and already running so damn much. How do you do it? I can barely get out of bed half the time without cookies from the night before all over me.”
“I run three times a week, Evie. Don’t exaggerate.”
This was our drill.
Every Saturday, no matter what, I would visit and we would go out for a run together while Nathan watched the kids, and then we’d walk back home, talking about everything and anything.
It was nice to have her optimism light up the darkness. Whatever she said, I knew she meant well.
She ran for her health. I ran to...well...run away. I was running from the past and no matter how fast I ran, it always caught up to me.
We stopped at a Starbucks and I bought her a coffee for her effort. We sat outside at a table, ignoring the winter chill that surrounded us and drank our coffee in silence, watching the passerby’s that walked down the street. Evie set her drink down, glancing at me with a smile. “Nathan likes me, you know?”
My brows furrowed as I sipped on my drink, but I didn”t let go, hoping the caffeine fueled me for the rest of the day. Sleep wasn’t something I was getting lately.
“I mean...he loves me, yes, but he also likes me. And it”s nice, you know? Because I’ll eat cookies in bed and wake up to him taking the package from my hands. Or I’ll have a complete meltdown over a commercial and he won’t judge me. I’m a pain in the ass, I’m sure...but it’s nice to have someone that loves me like that. I love him too. With all my heart. And I love our kids and everything we have together.”
I hummed, finally setting my cup down.
“I don’t want you to be alone, Hannah. But more than that, I don’t want you to be lonely. And sometimes I think you are. I know...” She sighed, reaching out and covering my hand with hers, “You’ve been through a lot. But I’m here for you, okay? It doesn”t matter that Derek is back. I’m still here for you. One does not negate the other.”
“I know,” I replied.
She nodded, wanting to say more because it was Evie, and always wanted to say more, but she didn’t.
Nana would have known what to say. She would have said it regardless of how I felt. I never appreciated her wisdom when she was alive...but now that she was gone...now that my life was a mess, I would have given anything to have it.
We continued on our walk to the house, the conversation becoming lighter with every step we took. She joked about Lily’s adventures at preschool and about Noah’s constant dirty diapers, and I listened, mostly because I didn’t want to discuss my journey with motherhood. It had been painful, rough. I caught a quick glance at my scars, hiding them with the sleeves of my shirt, a quick bought of shame coursing through my veins as I remembered that day.
I knew there was nothing to be ashamed about, they were my battle scars, but my heart constricted at the thought that I was already pregnant when I did it.
I didn’t know it then, but still...
Guilt is an evil thing.
We arrived at the house a few minutes later, Lily’s excited voice coming from the kitchen and then Nathan’s hearty chuckle filled the air as he laughed at whatever his daughter said. Evie walked up to Nathan, pressing a kiss on his lips which he returned without hesitation. His hand landed on her waist, and he whispered something in her ear which made her flush.
I wrinkled my nose and his eyes met mine, another chuckle leaving his lips. “Playpen,” he said, answering my unasked question.
I smiled, leaving them to their lovey dovey scene and headed to the living room, hearing the quiet cooing that came from it. A smile formed on my lips as I saw the innocent eyes looking up at me, forcing the dormant butterflies in my stomach to take flight.
Because this...this was true love.
It was real, unconditional.
I wouldn’t ever do what my mother did to me...and I would tell Derek eventually. I had to. But not yet. I wanted to be selfish for a little longer, keep this piece of him with me, guarded. I didn’t want to confront the family we would never have and maybe that made me selfish, but it was okay. I didn’t care. I didn”t ever want to see heartache in those eyes because of the chaos that came with our relationship, because eventually, it would all blow up. We were a bomb, ticking, waiting for the explosion. Waiting for the collapse.
“Mommy loves you,” I said, blowing a kiss.
I walked down the hall into the restroom, splashing water on my face. I didn’t recognize the woman in the mirror. She was nothing like the woman I was a year ago, the woman that had opened her heart up to the world, to trust.
I shuddered, thinking that this woman in the reflection would make my mother proud. I didn’t want to be her and yet there I was. Running a hand over my face I sighed, forcing myself to smile.
I’ll be okay.
I was in the restroom for less than a couple of minutes.
Funny, how in only a few seconds, it could all change. Life had a funny way of doing that.
Cruel? Maybe.
Expected? Always.
Lily talked, her voice excited. She was talking so fast I didn’t understand a word she said, but I made out one word clearly.
Twinsies.
Everything was quiet for a few seconds. Only a few. I closed my eyes, waiting. Waiting. I could sense him the second I stepped out of the restroom. I could feel his presence even with a hallway between us.
Courage was a fickle thing. Loyalty was too.
I wasn’t going to make my sister choose, not after everything she’d done for me.
Bracing myself, I moved to the living room, all their eyes meeting mine, while Derek’s stayed glued to the pink playpen. His shoulders were tense, his jaw was tight.
I wanted nothing else to run my hands over his shoulders, ease the tension. My fight was fading, quickly disappearing as I saw his gaze set on them.
His daughters.
They squealed.
Fucking squealed, as if they knew who he was. As if they had always known he would be back.
The sound tore my heart open. He stared and stared at them, and I wondered if he saw himself in them. If he saw their green eyes, if he noticed the little dimple one of them had on their cheek, or how their perfect nose resembled his. I wondered if he knew.
He reached down, his hand caressing their little hands. The thumping in my chest was loud, heavy. But his rage was louder.
Derek finally turned to face me, green eyes set ablaze.
“Can you please tell me what the fuck is going on?”