Chapter 28
Hannah
Being back in the city after all the changes that happened over the course of the last few days was daunting. I was married, living with my husband and getting used to this new life we had started together. I smiled at the irony of it all, going from anger to love in just a matter of days, though it wasn”t fair to say because the love had always been there. Even if things were different...it felt right. Like being with Derek, like having him in my home, in my life was always how it was supposed to be.
I prepared my things for the next day, packing up the diaper bag and making sure everything my girls needed was ready before I went back to the gallery. They squealed as they crawled around the floor, refusing to sleep even though it was way past their bedtime. I didn’t mind, enjoying these last moments of our winter vacation with them despite knowing I would have to leave them.
When I was done, I sat on the floor, watching them as they raced toward me, the sound of their happiness warming my heart. They could always do that with their smiles, with their beautiful green eyes looking up at me like I was their world. The thought sent a pang straight to my chest.
I loved them, and one day they would leave...one day they would learn the realities of life and find the joy and the pain...and though I couldn’t stop it, I hoped they would always know they would have somewhere to turn. My girls giggled as they sat on my lap, both of them trying to grab my hair and I laughed, shaking my head at their silliness when one of them grabbed a handful of my hair and tried putting it in my mouth.
“You’re gross.” Isa squealed while Annie grinned, clearly planning in that silly little head of hers.
I glanced up, smiling when I saw Derek standing at the door, his gaze soft with love and adoration as he looked at our girls. He’d left to pick up things from his apartment, and I hadn’t heard him get back. He walked toward me, pecking my lips as he sat next to me on the floor. The girls immediately extended their arms to him and soon, they were in his arms, cuddling with their father. He had that effect on them, calming...peaceful.
I was glad that I had decided all those months ago to let him into their lives.
It would have been a terrible decision to take that from them.
From him.
“Did you get everything you needed?” I asked Derek.
He offered me a small smile before nodding. He was lost in thought, quiet and reserved until Annie reached up and pulled his lips up so he’d smile. Derek chuckled then, pressing a kiss on her forehead.
“If anyone would have told me a year ago that this would be my life, I wouldn’t have believed it,” he said.
“I hope that’s a good thing.”
He smiled. “It’s the best thing.”
After a few more minutes, we set the girls down to sleep in their crib, watching them as they drifted off to sleep after their disrupted schedule. Derek closed the door behind him as softly as he could, too afraid to wake them before turning to face me. He cupped my face in his hands, his lips locking with mine in a gentle kiss. I hummed, my heart racing at the action.
“Back to reality tomorrow, huh?” he murmured, brushing my hair away from my face.
“Mmhm.” My eyes fluttered closed when he nuzzled my neck, the feel of his lips against my skin causing my body to awaken. “I bet you’re ready to go back to the restaurants...get some quiet after dealing with me all week.”
He chuckled, lifting me off the floor until my legs wrapped around his body. “No. I can’t get enough of you.”
“I’m not sure you’ll say that in a few months when you’ve grown tired of my shit.”
Derek laughed, carrying me over to the bedroom—our bedroom—and setting me on the bed. He towered over me, his green eyes teasing and mischievous and yet so loving. I didn’t think he could hide it even if he tried. I hoped he could see the same love in mine.
“You’re crazy if you think I could ever get tired of you.”
I raised an eyebrow, smiling up at him. “You sure it’s not possible? I am a bit of a mess.”
“Yeah...but you’re my mess and that’s all that matters.”
I hoped he always loved me that way...so unconditionally...so raw and pure. I reached up, kissing him and he smiled against my lips. No one would ever make me feel as complete as he could. No one would ever love me like him.
One day, when he saw the depth of my darkness, how deep I had been wounded and how hard it had been for me to get out of it, he would look at me differently but for now...I would savor every moment. I would savor every kiss because I had to believe nothing would change. I had to believe that Derek would love me just the same as he did in that moment because our love wasn’t fragile.
Not anymore.
***
The city of New York buzzed with excitement at the beginning of each new year. It felt different. Usually everyone rushed, but people smiled for a change.
Or maybe it was just me.
I picked up mine and Nathan’s coffee from the shop across the street before walking to the gallery, eager to get started. While I didn’t like to be away from my daughters, I loved working. I was back marketing and helping with finances and this time it was with great intentions. This time it was with honesty. After many years, my life had finally fallen into place and I was genuinely happy. I walked up to the gallery, pausing for a second to take it all in. It was a beautiful place: peaceful and elegant and inviting. Racing through my head were the many ideas of how to change things for the new year, how to improve it all until I heard Nathan’s voice coming from the office.
His voice thundered throughout the place, the frustration pouring out of every word he said.
I peeked through the cracked door of his office, watching how Nathan paced back and forth, running a hand through his hair as he listened to someone on the other line. He scoffed, shaking his head while the other person spoke and my heart sank.
I could feel the chill of the unexpected creeping up my back...changing everything...again.
“Well that’s bullshit and you know it,” he said. He turned around and saw me, his eyes taking on a hint of guilt before he quickly looked away. “I will meet you there in a half hour.” Without saying anything else, Nathan hung up, leaving the heavy silence dwelling between us.
I cleared my throat, extending my hand with his cup of coffee until he approached me and took it. He finished the coffee in a single gulp without much hesitation before walking behind his desk and tossing it in the trash. I focused my attention on the papers scattered on his desk, like he’d been rummaging through everything, searching for something. The tension in the air quickly thickened making it difficult for me to breathe.
I couldn’t stand it...the silence.
The unknown.
“Is everything okay, Nathan?”
He didn’t bother looking at me and simply shook his head as he shoved some papers into a briefcase.
“Can I help?” I took a seat across from him, watching as he closed his laptop with such a loud snap I would be surprised if the screen didn’t crack.
“No, Hannah. You can’t.” His clipped tone made me falter, and though I could feel his anger wasn’t directed at me, it still hurt.
Nathan sighed, running hand over his face before looking at me. There was a dark cloud hanging over us...and his eyes, they looked empty.
Like all the joy had been sucked out of them.
Something was going on.
Something bad.
“I have to go,” he finally said. “I have a meeting I can’t miss so I need you to handle everything today. Just get everything prepared for the weekend. Can you do that?”
“Is it about the gallery?”
After looking at me for a few moments, his gaze softened and nodded.
That was the only answer he would give me, I knew that...but it was enough. My heart broke into pieces at the thoughts of how everything could be going wrong, my gaze fixed on the wall behind him. The gallery was now a part of who I was and what I loved to do. Things couldn’t be too bad, right? Not after all his hard work.
“I’m heading out. Don”t stay until dark, please.”
I leaned back into the chair, closing my eyes as I tried to steady my heartbeat. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up, meeting Nathan’s eyes.
It was the first time I would be closing the gallery on my own after the attack. I wasn’t sure why he was doing this, but it wasn’t right.
“Thank you for everything you do. The gallery would have never gotten this far had it not been for you.”
It was a compliment, sure, but why did it feel like an apology?
The door closed behind me and I let out a breath, hoping nothing else would change. Not with the gallery. It had been a refuge for the past months...when everything else was chaotic and falling apart, this had been consistently good.
I decided to organize the desk. Papers were scattered everywhere and though it seemed like a small task, it was enough for me to distract myself from what had just happened. I moved from the desk on to the rest of the office and then to the gallery itself, brainstorming ideas for a new theme...New Beginnings. I sketched the layout of the gallery and went through different pieces to put out on display, getting lost in my work for a couple of hours before sitting back down in front of my computer.
I answered emails, text messages and pretended like everything would be okay, but as I locked the door to the gallery before sundown, I knew things wouldn’t be the same. That feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away until I knew what was happening.
I let out a humorless laugh when I saw Nathan’s car parked outside my house that night. I bit the inside of my cheek as I tried to contain all my emotions though I knew it was pointless. There was no way things were going to be okay. There was no way my life wouldn’t change...again.
Sure, I’d grown up.
I was a better person.
I was different and stronger, but how many tests can one person truly withstand?
How much more could I handle?